R A I N B O W

-more than meets the eye-

[fadenotrainbow]

Since 3 weeks ago, I feel like I’ve been saying “let go, let it be” more often. I’ve become more tired of overthinking and constantly putting other people’s feelings above my own.

I guess now I don’t want to care too excessively anymore, not in a bad or selfish way, but I also don’t want to keep being an extreme people pleaser that ends up making myself exhausted and stressed. Some people took me and my feelings for granted because they saw how fragile and how willing to listen I could be.

It’s not that I want to become self-centered, but I just want to take better care of my own mental and emotional health too.

I still care deeply for others. But honestly, not everyone.

[fadenotrainbow]

🥀

My husband is right. I have got nothing to lose.

School is about students. Not about giving what you want.

Rose, if you hated me because I was trying to do the right thing, I will learn not to care.

[fadenotrainbow]

I hate that my feelings are right most of the time.

Sakit banget, Tuhan.

Sakit banget.

[fadenotrainbow]

Liburan 2 hari lagi selesai…

Hari ini dimulai dengan kebingungan. Begitu banyak hal yang harus dikerjakan, tapi di saat yang sama aku juga ingin meluangkan waktu bersama keluarga. Deadline sore ini dan berbagai persiapan mengajar besok, harus aku singkirkan sejenak—fokus ke keluarga dulu.

Kami berhasil pergi ke 3 tempat, dan rasanya senang sekali karena semua yang “dicari” bisa didapat. Pulang pun masih dalam keadaan terang, lalu istirahat sejenak, dan menidurkan Abby.

Setelah itu, aku kembali melanjutkan deadline yang seharusnya sore tadi dikumpul dan persiapan untuk besok mengajar.

Puji Tuhan, dengan bantuan suamiku, semuanya bisa selesai. Huhuhu… terharu banget.

One thing at a time. One step at a time.

[fadenotrainbow]

Beberapa hari ini bawaannya pengen nangis.

Merasa disakiti, dikhianati, bersalah, jelek banget, kurang banget pokoknya jadi orang.

Tapi diingetin dan ingetin diri sendiri, untuk biarin ajah. Let it be. Let it go.

Tuhan lihat. Tuhan tahu.

Aku juga diingetin kalau ngga boleh mementingkan/ merajai perasaanku sendiri.

[fadenotrainbow]

Tanpa Sepengetahuan Abby

Tahun ajaran ini, tanpa sepengetahuan Abby, dia sudah beberapa kali tidak diundang ke ulang tahun temannya (I understand, because they’re not close with Abby anyway. But when I ask Abby, “By, kalau ada teman Abby yang ultah terus Abby diundang, gimana?” Abby bilang “No, I will be sad.”). It’s something that we need to talk about with her, bcs these things will happen every year. And she might know.

Tahun ajaran ini, tanpa sepengetahuan Abby, dia dapat tulisan: “I dont like you” di cubbynya. It was Abby’s friend’s sister (anak guru, a 4th grader).

Tahun ajaran ini tanpa sepengetahuan Abby, dia satu2nya yang belum dapat Star Student, sementara teman2nya ada yg sudah dapat 2x.

Alasannya?

“Karena kata (guru yang 1) pertumbuhan Abby belum kelihatan pesat.” Dan guru yang 1 lagi setuju?

Seriously? Apa ngga ada sedikitpun hal baik yang bisa mereka lihat dari Abby?

Lalu apa arti dari semua “Eh anak lu kreatif banget loh…, Punya Abby bagus banget ssa….” yang mereka sampaikan ke aku?

Aku adalah parent yang dpt privilege untuk tahu kebobrokan ini karena aku juga guru jadi aku bisa tahu siapa2 ajah yang uda dapat.

And it hurts.

Tiap diumumin star students, I would look at Abby and I can feel her. She would hug me after chapel, sad, not saying anything, but I know, she’s been waiting for it and again it’s not her day.

One night, tiba2 dia bilang, “Mama Abby belum pernah dapat star students.”

Sedih. Sakit.

Kenapa?

1. Karena alesan guru2nya (itupun karena akhirnya aku bilang, “hey Abby belum pernah dpt loh dan Yuns*l Lev* udah dpt 2x”).

2. Karena kenyataan mereka adalah guru dan teman2ku.

One more thing, this whole star students thing also happened last year.

Aku ngerti, kadang ngga gampang untuk buat star student award thingy. Tapi, star students adalah reward and appreciation untuk anak2 for the way they are and what they are good at - based on teacher’s observation. Selalu ada baiknya. Semua harus dapat. Bukan kita malah skip anak.

Dan kenapa harus kasih tahu yang baik2 kalau ketemu, klo ujungnya kyk Abby does not deserve a star student just because she’s not showing growth? Gimana anak2 lain yang mereka selalu complaint about, kok mereka bisa dapet? Klo mau dibandingkan, Abby does not give them hard time, kyk mereka2 yang buat mereka kesel dan omongin tiap hari.

Mungkin aku denial.

Mungkin aku defensive.

But this is my tumblr and I can say anything I want🤪

And the point is, as a mom and dad (Valent juga), we’re disappointed and hurt.

On the other hand, this is a good lesson for Abby and us. Akan selalu ada ketidakadilan. May we not focus on that.

“Set your mind on things that are above.”

[fadenotrainbow]

23 February 2026

Uda lama ngga nulis.

Dari November aku mulai ada benjolan tapi bisa hilang. Interestingly, Valent bilang apa mungkin itu muncul hanya kalau mau datang bulan saja.

Ternyata benar.

Sampai akhirnya pagi ini aku putuskan untuk ke dokter. Karena ngga pengen sakit tiap bulan dan ngga pengen minum ibuprofen/ painkiller tiap bulan.

Jd kenapa tidak kita coba cari tahu.

Sebelum memutuskan ke dokter, aku coba cari tahu apakah aku hamil atau tidak. Karena aku takut kalau harus minum obat.

Negatif. Oke book appointment.

Pagi ini waktu mau ijin sama bos, ternyata aku malah didoain dan kami sama-sama nangis.

Malamnya Valent sebenarnya juga doain aku.

Tapi aku ngga nyangka pagi ini, setelah susah tidur semalaman, setelah struggling banget dengan overthinkingku, aku nangis karena doanya seperti ini (ngga sama persis, tapi kira2 ajah), “I’m sorry God that I didn’t know what she’s been through… I believe that this happens for Helssa to have stronger faith in You.”

Closer. Faith. In. Christ.

😭

Siangnya aku ke dokter. Dokter kasih obat dan menawarkan untuk papsmear.

So I did.

Hasilnya 8 hari lagi.

[fadenotrainbow]

“Kuatir itu dosa.” -Pak Yo

Tertampar.

Khotbah 1 Januari 2026 isinya jleb jleb jleb semua. Cara pandang bener2 diubah.

[fadenotrainbow]

Gue people pleaser.

Tapi gue baru sadar klo ternyata…

Abby juga people pleaser.

Dan…

My dad juga people pleaser.

[fadenotrainbow]

This picture was taken in fear and pain.

Bending and moving had never made me scared and in pain, until now.

Cried looking at this photo. Scared of not being able to see her grow up. Maybe im exaggerating. But i am really really scared.

[fadenotrainbow]

Unsure of how serious this is.

I just dont know what to do.

And tbh. Im scared to find out.

Trying to keep doing things normally. And even doing things more than i used to. Just to help me not to think and feel about it.

But i cant pretend that it doesnt hurt.

[fadenotrainbow]

I asked God for a sign.

And 30 mins later, He did give me.

But now, i dont want to know and think about it.

Gini amat hidup, adaa ajahh😞😞

Harus bersyukur tapi ngga bisa dipungkiri klo stres juga.

[fadenotrainbow]

If I’m being totally honest…

This year is just … (nvm I cant be honest)

- partner

- parallel partner

- parents

- kids

- events

- leader

The thing is…

It has been hard to be grateful. It has been hard to wake up with excitement.

I am in the point where I dont feel like I belong there. And I wanna be somewhere else. Just not there.

[fadenotrainbow]

2 weeks of 👊🏼 :

- complaint from a parent during PTC

- complaint from a parent after PTC

- he said she said- parent’s ‘war’

- someone made a playdoh written “i dont like u” on Abby’s cubby

- new door in the restroom that caused injury to my student. She even needed to be taken to the hospital. I should have covered it right away once I knew it was broken. Stpd me.

- got a “this is so fckd up. this sh*t keeps on happening” from the parent

- crazy weird cousin who spammed me, my husband, my bro, and my sis in law.

Hancur banget banget. Rasanya pengen berhenti jadi guru.

[fadenotrainbow]

My kind of overthinking: caring too much about things I don’t actually want to care about, don’t need to care about, and that don’t even care about me.

Ha!

[fadenotrainbow]

Term Break

Abby dan Valent sakit. Dua2nya tidur ngga tenang dan kebangunbangun.

I’m not complaining. I just lack of sleep.

Sorry.

Anyway, Abby who just turned 4, fell asleep right after I rubbed her with oil. But then I woke her up to drink medicine. And she said, “Mama harus berdoa untuk Abby karena Abby sakit.”

My girl.

[fadenotrainbow]

I dont feel like teaching here anymore.

It’s been different and hard.