I was so tempted to text nexus. I was so tempted to ask him to put up with me for just a bit so we could watch Orange together like we had planned. But I won't force him to be around me. I won't force him to do anything. Nor can I force myself to reach out. Though I really want to.. I have to move forward too. Jeremy, Bryan, Justin and a few others, want me to be happy. I guess letting go of people who don't want me in their lives, is a good starting point. I just .. miss everything so much. In reality, it's not just Nexus I'm hung up over. I miss being able to talk to Candy so easily. To talk to Ramiro. Hell, I can't even face Alex without feeling so much guilt now. I think I'm hurting myself while trying to be around them. Though, I can't let them go. I often speak of them with my new group and don't know how to feel about our friendship. Do we have a friendship ? After everything .. do we? Because I can lay here and sleep comfortably even though I know we might not have that friendship. That scares me. Giving up on people like that... it's terrifying, yet .. they've all done it to me before. So, maybe I can be okay with this.
I recently made a handful of new friends. Jeremy. Justin. Will. Canti. &Sometimes when he’s not tricking me, pretending to be Will, there’s Adam. These people are wonderful. They help me laugh even though I feel so sad still. They also helped me realize that I’m not at fault for being hurt. Because I am human. I’m allowed to be flawed. To be hurt. To cry and sometimes even overreact. They don’t hold it against me. I truly truly cannot explain how wonderful these guys are. I’ve known them for a week now.Â
They’re good at keeping me busy so I won’t be sad over my most recent argument with a friend. Though, they made me realize that even though I was hurt, I was getting even more hurt for being open with my feelings on the situation.
I don’t want to know that the other person’s behavior wasn’t needed like that. It’s true, we could have talked it over a lot sooner. Made things better a lot quicker. But I needed time to collect my thoughts. I needed to just be level headed. Though when I finally opened up, I felt somewhat closed off more than usual. Isn’t that weird? I think it’s better this way. To be closed off. To have my wall. To not let anyone come too close anymore. No hard feelings, but I think I’ll be happiest that way.
Though now I can’t even face my best friend. It may have been a lie.. but if they were dragged into this as well, I’m going to feel so hurt. More than I already do. Mainly because of how I’m sure he’ll reply. I don’t have anyone to defend me, defend my feelings.. defend my heart. So while I don’t want to cut ties.. I think it’s best if I start on a new path.Â
I think the only thing that bothers me right now, is no one has really reached out to me. Of course, my best friend has, though again. No idea how to reply to him. But no one else. Not from my old group. But .. its helping me see that I’m always the one reaching out to people. I can’t have that. I refuse to have a repeat of anything from my past.
So, I guess this little puppet has to start over again.
Times like this I really miss Nexus. He was understanding and would stay rational. He would understand that I need time to think, then things can work out. He would understand. Shit.
Your lack of effort shows me how much I meant to you after all this time
Gosh. I guess you know me so well to assume that, right? Like this fight, sums up our entire friendship, I guess.
I poored my heart out in that message and all I get is a in response But whatever you didn't care... So you proved to me I'm better off with my heart made of steel and not glass causeÂ
I won’t lie. I was still VERY annoyed. In game. In call and trying not to show what was going on. and well I’m no good at multitasking worth a shit. Not an excuse, just me stating why I was so-- .. short with you.
Everytime I was honest and there for you I let you see through me like an open book but that was my mistake and I know you you'll never say sorry to me you'll never ask for me back you'll just move on and cut your ties with me cause you never cared.Â
So, I did us both a favour and made the important parts bold. Your mistake for being open with me? By all means, go ahead and think that. That’s your choice. Never say sorry to you? You sound like my mother. I think I remember during our last fight, you know, the one you had no right to be in but then took extreme actions? I think I remember saying sorry, even though you had nothing to do with it. But that’s fine too. Think that. Think as lowly as you can of me. That’s nothing new and I can take it.
But for you to say I’ll never ask for you back.
I’ll just move on.
What happened 2 years ago, almost 3? I didn’t even know you and I was so scared of losing you. That I pestered you till I got answers. All my invites for games, all the late night calls, the invitations to watch shit videos. To make up and move past even the last fight- Yeah. That shows it. I’ll never ask for you back. All those things prove it, right?
I fought for our friendship more than I fought for the one I had with Danielle, and I knew her for what, 10 years? Our friendship meant so much more to me. So for you to say.. I don’t care. I’m gonna cut ties with you.Â
Fuck you.
I never cared, but yet I sat here thinking of all the ways to help you get that Twitch dream going again. I sat here and looked for apartments near you! I APPLIED FOR A DAMN APARTMENT NEAR YOU (still pending obviously.) I WAS GOING TO UP AND GO IF IT MEANT BEING NEAR A TRUE FRIEND. SO FOR YOU TO ASSUME WHAT I CARE ABOUT AND WHAT I DONT OVER SOMETHING THAT WAS BOTH OUR FAULT BECAUSE WE LACK COMMUNICATION, THEN FORGET IT. You’re entirely wrong! I care! I care more than I let you believe! That’s my flaw! I care too much and even though things kill me, I keep caring even though I don’t want to! You, more than anyone else, should know that! You weren’t getting replaced! I needed people to keep me busy till I could think things over and speak rationally to you! I needed to stay busy so I wouldn’t cry and call you out of anger and yell!
But fine!
YOU KNOW ME SO WELL, DON’T YOU.Â
I’m just the shittiest person of them all! You’re no different from Abb or Adan.
Everything confuses me. Why do I try so hard to make others happy, then I don’t give two shits about myself afterwards. Like I constantly am willing to give out pieces of my heart to make people whole, than to fix what I need to fix for myself.
I will never be able to be happy anymore.
To be whole.
I don’t know what to do anymore. No matter what I do, I can’t please my mom. She’s still hateful to me. Even after all these years. She’s never going to truly care for me. And I’m still hung up on Adan., go figure haha. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to begin.. I need to sleep. For a few days. Just a constant sleep. I’m so tired of feeling so empty and alone.
I left Kody for you.
I left Darren for you.
I broke Brody’s heart when I went back to you instead of giving him a chance.
I was relieved when frank left me because I could be with you again.
I’m such a fucking idiot for ever loving you but I can’t stop. I want to so bad. I can’t do this anymore but here I am again, crying for you. I’m a broken record and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to put up with this.
Almost 8 years.. almost. I’m not good enough. I was never good enough.
You said I was cute.
I’m not.
You said I was a great artist.
Im not.
You said you loved my smile.
It’s disgusting.
You said you loved my hair.
I’m cutting it and never growing it again. It’s disgusting..
You said “I love you” with forehead kisses to follow right after.
And look at me now. Look at us.
I’m just absolute garbage that can’t get over the way you treated me.. even though you were only sweet when you wanted something in return. No one is ever going to matter to me like you do. I’m not going to be okay. I was barely okay as it is while everything was going on. You came to see me on my birthday and when you left I knew I would never see you again.
I knew it! My gut fucking gave me that weird feeling but I ignored it! And now I’ve got nothing.. I am nothing… I’m .. lost… wi th out you.. adan..
I love you. I loved you with braces. During that fight between our parents where it was so hard to see each other out of school. I loved you even though you ditched me. Left me crying. Waiting around. Hoping for so much more. I loved you and I waited.. I waited 6 months for you after I graduated..
I went back to that town for you.. only for you to give up on me so quickly and watch me have to come back home..
I don’t quite know how to really start this one out. I have all these sour feelings and some slightly nice ones, but they’re still bad. They’re.. my feelings. I’m glad this is kept on the DL, but even so, if this tumblr gets out there, fuck it. I’m speaking my mind. Fite me, lol
Over the weeks that have passed, I have realized that this is going to be a hard point in my life to get over. What am I talking about? My “friendship” with Emily, or as you probably know her, Abb. Let me just point out, this post is going to get aggressive. If anyone wishes to talk about it after they see it, please, carry your way to a skype IM and send it to me. Reblogs are the last thing I want with this blog being more hidden than anything else.
That child has a lot of nerve saying she didn’t consider me a friend for a long time when she was the one actively looking for a bonding experience.
[5/29/2016 3:54:35 PM] Abb: xD all da scoobies! btw we gotta start watching new animus together doode
Example above. I didn’t initiate that. She did. So either she was wanting a friendship still at that point, or had no one else, because in my opinion, I’m still shocked she has friends after she is so shitty to them. Before that she had gotten me a game and we talked for a while about it and her boyfriend and their 6 months or whatever. YOU TELL ME IF THAT SEEMS LIKE YOU DIDNT WANT TO BE FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME YOU SLY LITTLE LIAR.
But fuck it right? Let me point out, I had NO intentions on being your friend after you fucked me over around March/April. The only reason I did it was to be friends with Brody again. I was friends with him before you, so I figured I’d save that one instead, since you were constantly screwing me over. But ooooh, no one seems to put that into the equation, huh?Â
I met Abb on tumblr. She was my favourite Obito. I had no idea she was going to be this fucking bad. Would I have known, I never would have brought her into the AG server to meet all my friends. I never would have had to share them with this monster.Â
Now, I’m not saying she’s all at fault here. Hell no. I know where I fucked up. Cause I sure as hell was done with her like I said, during those months that her and Brody were being so shitty to me. Fuck yeah I made a post about her past “relationships” like with Shake and Gear. What? She cried about it and what? was sad? WOW. I never would have guessed! That was the fucking point. I remember how much shit I got for making her sad. Pahah. I regret nothing. I was done with her then but SHE messaged me, as well as with Brody and I gave in. Why not. I was more so wanting to talk to Brody but how on Earth could I make that work without talking to Abb?
So I stayed up. Even though I had work, I stayed up for her. To at least hear her out. My fucking mistake. She cried and I was like? Well, shit. I guess I gotta try at this again and see where it takes me.Â
But I honestly can’t help it. I can’t &I’m sorry to anyone that reads this.. But for you to stay friends with her, after she has hurt not one, but TWO of your friends, shame on you. As much shit as she has ever talked about anyone. FUCKING SHAME ON YOU. Especially after her and Brody stopped being friends, the amount of SHIT SHE SAID ABOUT HIM. Now, I have heard from her other friends, that are friends of mine as well, the shit she has said about me. I want you to understand there has been NO friend that is in the clear of her shit talking. She has said something about everyone.
But she makes it out to seem like I’m the one that was the shittiest person alive. Was I? After all the drawings I did. Even while you’re ass was fucking gone and playing with Brody’s emotions. Even after You LIED to him saying you WERENT talking to Peyro, but you were. I stayed your fucking friend. You are just a child who wants to constantly play victim and to be honest, You go ahead and replace my “mama” status with Danielle. I have a post for her coming too. Though she was never as bad as you. No one has ever been that bad. You keep playing like the fallen angel act. I want to see who else will fall for that then realize you’re just an asshole.
I say I don’t care, but I do. If any of my friends are still friends with her, I’m not going to unfriend you. I’m going to be cold af though.Â
Shout out to the ex that made it almost impossible to watch streamers cause he got straight up jealous and called them all pieces of shit. You're Hella lame lmao
Fun fact; this is the 3rd time I had to retype this because my mobile doesn’t like to draft anything. Siiigh. Alex. I have always considered you my big brother. One of my best friends. I couldn’t really figure out how my life would have gone without you. These few months I had been selfishly only worried about myself when you always dropped what you were doing to help me. I am so sorry for being such a failure of a friend. I realized I had only added on to my mistakes and figured I should finally tell you about before. When I really hurt you and you tried talking to me but I kept coming up with stupid stuff to reply with.. I was jealous. I felt replaced. I was being so selfish. See, a few days before, the group had been joking around saying you had left us for your new friends that you were streaming with. In my mind, I knew you would never replace any of us. But my heart.. I couldn’t shake that hurt, disgusting feeling. So picked a fight. It was stupis, but I picked it because I just wanted to see that you still cared. That fight almost lost me one of my best friends…. I’m so sorry. Eventually, time went on and things sort of still made us distant. You were recently in a call with us when I was angry. When I was venting about frank and making fun of him. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but here’s why I did it. When I got with frank, the first few weeks were nice. But as time progressed he accused me of never caring for his feelings when I wanted to spend time with anyone. Even when I took too long in town because I wanted to stop somewhere else with JJ. Eventually. I distanced myself from anyone because I felt like no one else in the world would ever like me, so I did all I could to stay with him. Which brings in the fact that at 2 months, he wanted me to masturbate on call with him. Seeing how he got so upset when I said no, I eventually gave in. But that only screwed me more because almost every day after he would make me feel so bad if I didn’t do it again. I hung up one day on him, and cried because I felt so uncomfortable, and he was upset with me afterwards. He disliked you, brody, mars and adan. He would get so upset when I would want to talk about any of those people or hang out with them. One day he ended up getting mad at me when I wanted space. So he said things that made me so sad and upset. I hung out with JJ and Adan. Then with just Adan. I felt free. I think that’s when I should have left him. But I didnt. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and I didn’t think anyone else in the world would look my way. So I stuck it out. That doesn’t excuse the fact I was making fun of him, I know that. I’m just sorry you had to see that side of me. I’m sorry. I haven’t been a good friend. I haven’t been there for you and I should have been always. Even now I try to be but end up saying the dumbest things or just think inviting you to a game makes everything okay. But I know it doesnt.. I’m sorry. I wish I could make it all up to you. I really do. I want to make it up to you so bad. I’m without Internet as it is now, and only have my phone with access to anything. Things have gone way south for me, but I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.. I hope you can forgive me. .. but if you are unable to, then I hope you know that I love you, like a brother. I never meant to do all these horrible things and I never meant to distance myself from you and possibly make things difficult for you. I don’t mean to pick fights within the group.. so this time away is helping me. I’m so sorry Alex. Please, forgive me.
