Things with my mom have been better this year, I think. It's hard to tell, honestly. I know I'm selfish, I know I can be a jerk, and I know I'm so much like her that's why we butt heads so often.
Honestly, sometimes I cry about the fact that I can see my mother in myself. Sometimes I talk like her, or I walk like her, and everyone always confuses us for one another when we're talking on the phone because we sound alike. I love my mother. It's not that I don't want to be like her, but I just don't want to be *too* much like her.
I want to be my own person too.
As I'm getting a bit older and childhood friends are settling down and having kids, it's honestly making me feel so conflicted. I want to be a mother so badly, and it's something that I've wanted since I was a kid, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to screw up and just repeat the cycle.
My great-great grandmother emotionally abused my great-grandmother. My grandma and my mom have an extremely strained relationship. They love eachother so much and they cry every time they leave eachother after a visit, but they also fight constantly and my grandmother always seems to think that my mom is an idiot who doesn't know what she's doing. I know a lot of parents can be that way to adult children, but trust me, my grandma is so much worse than average.
Usually, after a visit with my grandma, my mom will come to me and apologize for how she treats me, because being around her own mother makes her see the parallels, I guess. Things get better and less tense for a while, and then it goes back to normal once my grandma isn't around.
I'm just so scared that I'm going to do this to my own children. What if I do it to my husband? What if I don't even realize that I'm doing it?
I've always had weird self esteem, and I don't know if that comes from how I was raised, or if that's just something I developed for any myriad of possible reasons. I honestly don't really like myself. I mean, I don't hate myself by any means, but I don't like myself either. But, I know that people see things in me that they like, and that's enough for me. I know it's a crappy source of validation, but hey, it's what works for me.
But I'm just so scared that I'm not going to be enough. I'm scared that I'm not going to be enough for my kids, and I'm almost positive that I won't be enough for my husband. He swears that I am, and I don't doubt him, but I do doubt my own abilities.
Honestly, I think I'll probably feel that way forever. I want to be enough so badly, but I don't think I will be. Don't get me wrong, I know that everyone on Earth has an inherent value as a baseline, and I know that applies to me too, but I don't think I'm enough beyond that. I don't know how to explain it. I just feel like somehow I'm going to fall short in some way.
I know for a fact that I fall short as a daughter.
I don't know. I just worry.
I want to be a good mom someday. I want to be a good grandma too, eventually. But I also don't want people to make a big fuss about me when I'm old, or even when I'm gone. I don't want people to talk about how good or nice I am, because I'm no better than anyone else, and I don't want anyone ever saying otherwise.
