A Journey to My Mind

I write how I feel, how I think, and mostly about this little world of mine

[fairuzhk]

Nostalgic Drive

Imagine sitting with your ex-lover in a car and then the radio’s playing “If The World Was Ending” by JP Saxe (ft. Julia Michaels) and suddenly he’s holding your hand.

What does that mean?

[fairuzhk]

Tuhan...

Tuhan cuma satu, kenapa kita harus berbeda?

[kylos]

Dead Poets Society (1989) dir. Peter Weir

[fairuzhk]

A Letter of Life Appreciation

I'm gonna be 22 years old this year and really it has been a bumpy, super hard, yet wonderful journey of self-discovery, I must say... Writing this before I turn 22 y.o this December because tonight is the first time I feel the most grateful of every not-so-positive thing in my life. I am what my history has shaped me, they told me. Hence, I am not complaining at all. This is me, a 21 y.o girl who has gone thru shit (ya who doesn't), has been under lots of various pressures in almost every dimension of her life, has always been pretending to act like everything is going right on track in her life, and who has sunk deep deep deep down there in her unreachable state of consciousness all by her own self. And who is now tired of masking. Because clearly nothing is okay. Okay is only for normal people. Judge me. So I just had a small (yet turned out to be quite deep) talk with someone whom I deeply respect and love, not so long before I decided to write this letter of life appreciation. We did a self/life evaluation (more like he did it all for me tho). He makes me realize that (1) what I am going thru right now is not the end of the world and (2) that I am not alone—that there is someone out there (him) who shares the same coin with me, only on a different side of it. Is life hard only for some people? No. Life is hard for all. We just have to face different shit. This is me dealing with my own shit right now. It's hard...but I just have to survive it. It seems neverending but I can and I should definitely put an end to this. I just have to survive some more. So this is not me complaining about my life. I should make myself clear that this is me appreciating everything, especially those not-so-positive things in my life. I'm definitely still on my journey of self-discovery, but I'm getting there. I'm getting there.

[fairuzhk]

Depth in this life

You know, it is close to frustrating to find someone so close to your emotion. Apparently, it is actually not really that kind of a big deal to find someone so charming, so good looking, so well-mannered, so understanding, and other admirable traits you seek in a person.

But, to find someone whom I can share every single thought in my mind, whom I can spend hours talking about both important and unimportant things with, whom I can randomly chat about something so unimportant and reply with the same level of quirk. Someone who can make me feel like I am being observed, and being accepted at the same time. Someone who can spend hours talking with me about anything, without them judging me or my thoughts. It is close to frustrating to find someone whom you can feel comfortable and safe with, without the urge to hug or kiss--or do any other physical things with them. It is close to frustrating to find someone whom you can feel comfortable and safe with, platonically.

Not that I mind with doing anything physical with those whom I love, not at all.

But, it is so beautiful to find someone whom you can platonically have a deep relationship with.

[fairuzhk]

None

I learned that being lonely is not an acceptable excuse of cheating on the one you love. If anything, there is no acceptable excuses of cheating at all.

[fairuzhk]

Usaha

Suatu ketika saya jatuh cinta

Terlalu dalam Hati terkoyak Luka mendalam

Suatu ketika saya bertemu Saya bahagia Nyaman terasa Senyum tersabit

Saya cinta Mungkin tidak

Saya cinta Mungkin benar adanya

Jatuh cinta Indahnya Pahitnya pernah terasa

Saya sedang berusaha untuk jatuh cinta dengan logika bukan hanya sekadar rasa semata

Saya lupa, itu bukan cinta.

[fairuzhk]

Naif

Saya percaya pada dasarnya semua orang itu baik. Terdengar naif, memang, tapi kalau itu membuat saya bahagia, kenapa tidak. Mungkin, saya terlalu terlena dalam ilusi saya semata. Mungkin, saya memang terlalu naif. Ya sudah, saya bahagia kok.

[written-in-pen]

I’m not who I was a year ago, and maybe just this once, change is good.

E. Grin (via written-in-pen)

[fairuzhk]

Him, Then and Now

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested. Hell I was interested in him unconsciously since the very first time I met him now that I think about it. It's been almost two years since then. And I'm still interested. Big time.

[fairuzhk]

Selfishness

I know I'm selfish... I might have unconsciously hurt your feelings and caused you pain I know I'm selfish... I let you fix me and I ruined you instead I know I'm selfish... Why are you making me cry?

[fairuzhk]

I'm too busy protecting my heart. I forgot that you have a heart too...

Me, exactly at the moment

[fairuzhk]

Please

It’s been really nice and all good… I’ve been really happy and I’m not even kidding.

It’s been really nice and all good… You’ve been pouring me a lot of happiness and I’m really thankful for that.

It’s been really nice and all good… We’ve been doing just fine and peaceful…

You’ve been keeping up with my pace. You’ve been trying to understand my catastrophic self. You’ve been loving me the way you do…that doesn’t irritate me at all.

I don’t know myself. I don’t even know what I want. I don’t understand.

I might be one hell of a defensive bitch—the most defensive one, if you must say. I like you. I like having you as a company. I like talking with you. I like walking with you.

I enjoy everything. I enjoy everything that hurts.

Dead God, oh please. Please don’t let this messed-up self of mine destroy everything.

[book--quotes]

Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

[quoted-books]

When did she lose her wonder? When did she start existing, and quit living?

Denise Daisy, Haytham  (via quoted-books)

[whatever-you-write]

Note to self

[fairuzhk]

I make peace with the fact that it's over. That sometimes when people grow up, they grow apart. That we are one of them.

Acceptance stage: done