hi i’m a little nervous to ask this because I’ve seen quite heated discourse about this topic, but then i’ve also had other people say entirely the opposite tbh, and u seem pretty knowledgeable on all things butch-femme, so i was wondering if u had any thoughts.
so i’ve been dating a butch for about a year now. i love her, she’s my whole world and i’d do absolutely anything for her.
recently, she’s started referring to us as a butchfemme couple to other people we know.
i know she’s always loved the idea of being in a butch-femme partnership. and i feel in so many ways, her femme. like I could be with her forever and die happy.
and we feel in so many ways like a butch-femme couple you read about in those properly historical books abt butches & femmes. like ‘boots of leather slippers of gold’ etc.
the only thing is, i can’t say for certain that i identify as a lesbian. I’ve dated a man once before, and I still think i would probably have the capacity to, although I definitely have a preference for women.
Right now, of course i couldn’t imagine dating anyone but my butch and wouldn’t even entertain the thought of anyone else, woman or man.
so she said she’d like me to call myself her femme. I feel like a femme, she considers us a butch-femme couple, but i just keep seeing everywhere that femme is absolutely a lesbian exclusive term. and I don’t think I can say that i am.
I think it would make her sad if I don’t call myself a femme, because she’s always wanted to fulfil that ideal femme-butch dynamic. And don’t get me wrong, I so want to identify as her butch. but I just can’t call myself a lesbian.
do u think in these circumstances I could call myself a femme? (I’d never dream of it if I was dating a man obviously, but as long as i’m dating a butch do you think that would be possible?) if you think femme has to be solely a lesbian identity I’d understand. truly I would. I just feel like i’m falling short of giving my girlfriend the one thing she truly wants if I don’t though, which would be for her to be a butch dating a femme.
sorry for the long post, and thanks for all ur advice !! <3
First of all, I’m so happy for you, I wish you and butch all the love in the world.
I’m going to suggest you talk to your partner about this (if you’re not already) so you feel like you’re both on the same page.
It sounds like referring to your relationship as butch/femme is something you both really want, and closely resonate with. I do not get the impression you have misunderstood what butch/femme dynamics are. So, please do what makes you happy.
Nobody owns this language. I understand that some people feel very strongly that this community must be preserved as a lesbian space, however, I feel that this community is not strengthened through gatekeeping.
There have always been people of varying genders and presentations in this community. If you look at the relationship between butch and transmasculine for example, it becomes very clear very quickly that members of this community have not uniformly described themselves as ‘women who exclusively love other women.’ Identity politics can be messy, but your labels don’t really define you any more than your past.
I can’t tell you what to do, nobody can. As long as you are sincere, that you truly enjoy and love butch/femme dynamics, then I think you belong. You’re not hurting anyone, so just go ahead and be yourself.
