𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐈 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫 || y. hwanwoong x k. youngjo
cw: mentions of death
inspired by luna - oneus
word count: 653
feedback & interactions appreciated || please be kind <3
summary:
"He loathed his past self for the small moments and actions that had been taken for granted. He loathed the way he had brushed off the soft smiles, the understanding words, and the doting expressions." —
It has been a month since Hwanwoong passed. Youngjo is trying his best to cope with the words he never got a chance to say.
The letters were endless. Each held different words. Different wishes. Yet they were all merely one part of a grief-laden song. All screamed at the heavens and the cruel world around him. A silent and futile plea. His mind was ever-burdened. Weighed down by the countless reminders of his lover's untimely passing. He loathed his past self for the small moments and actions that had been taken for granted. He loathed the way he had brushed off the soft smiles, the understanding words, and the doting expressions.
As he stared down at his latest letter, his attention was drawn to the blue-black stains on his hands and the pooling well from the long forgotten pen. It spilled over the side of his desk, a dark waterfall melting with the shadows of his darkened room. Even this served as a reminder. This time, it was of the countless times Hwanwoong would help him when the inkwell inevitably spilled. His light laugh and endless teasing veiled Youngjo’s guilt for the ruined floorboards. But now, while the spill was small, it felt overwhelming. He couldn’t bring himself to grab a rag.
He lifted the pen, disposed of the now ruined paper, and started over.
– ☪︎ –
My dearest Hwanwoong.
It has been a little under two months since your passing. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret all of the unspoken words. My mind has spilled over; these papers no longer feel like enough. I feel guilt over what I have taken for granted. I miss your touch. The way your eyes sparkled under the moonlight. That mischievous air you held. That constant warm feeling that enveloped me whenever you were around. I’ll admit, I still fall short when it comes to expressing how deep my emotions can be. Even after death, I still can’t fully express to you how I feel. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve changed. You would be disappointed. I can see your face now. You would give me that look, the one you reserved for when I holed myself up in our room. You would try to keep the air light, but you would know that I could tell. I could always tell. I hope you aren’t too disappointed in me. I don’t know that I would be able to handle it. There are days where I wish to join you. I often daydream about meeting you among the clouds. The weight and shadow that would be lifted from my heart. How happy we would be once again. But I yet again know how disappointed you would be with me. I truly do hate how tempting the thought seems to be. However, I won’t burden you with that. For you, I will continue to live. I will continue to see our friends. I will try my best to do what I think would make you happy. I truly despise this world for taking you away from me.
I miss you more than you would ever be able to imagine. I feel as if a part of me has been taken. It feels too empty here, too quiet and cold. I still expect to wake up with you by my side. I find myself unable to believe that you are actually gone. I sometimes talk and act as if you are still around. It hurts. I am able to compose myself around others, but my mind is a mess. I know I cannot expect myself to get over you so quickly, but in some selfish and twisted way, I wish I could.
I love you. And I miss you more with each passing day.
With love, Youngjo.
– ☪︎ –
A single tear signs the letter. Youngjo hadn’t even realized that he had started crying. As the moon shone onto the paper, he looked up to the stars.
“If there is a god, please tell my lover the words that I failed to deliver.”
thank you for reading <3