I remember
how seeing the shape of your mouth
that first time, I kept staring
until my blood turned to rain.
Some things take root
in the brain and just don’t
let go.
In one day, I will reach the ripe age of twenty years old.
This is significant for many reasons
No longer a teenager
Twenty has a nice ring to it
I'm entering a new decade of my life
I think about #3 and there is a certain significance about going into a new decade. When I think about all of the things that have happened through ages ten through nineteen, my mind is blown at literally all that has happened. When I turned ten, I was going into the fourth grade. Since then, I have gone through middle and high school plus one year of college, I have had my heart broken by dumb boys, I "developed" as a woman, I became a Christian and learned what that really means, I traveled to some really neat places (Finland, yeah!), I learned to drive, I realized smoking isn't really that neat, I cut all of my hair off, I got tattoos, and I have grown into the woman that I am today. These moments are just little milestones along the way of the past ten years of my life. Basically, a crazy amount of things have happened in my life. The even crazier thing is the fact that the next ten years are going to be filled with even more crazy things; graduating college, getting married, (maybe?) having kids, having my own place, having a grown-up job, moving, learning how to do my taxes, and learning even more about the woman that the Lord wants me to be. It's going to be a lot of fun.
My question tonight, however, is when did I start this trek towards "growing up"? I think I can say with certainty that when I turn twenty on Saturday that I will have neither "started" to grow up nor will have I "finished" growing up. I think that I can say with confidence that I have always felt like I needed to be more "grown up", to impress the adults, you know? I felt that there was this connectedness between acting mature and "grown up" and being an adult, and equal with those of whom I did not share a similar age with. Maybe I grew up too fast with this mentality. I possibly lost my childlike innocence too early with these actions. I forced myself into the process that should come naturally. But why?
I think the answer to that question lies in a simple answer: I wasn't content with where I was in my life and I thought that "growing up" would change everything for the better. For every birthday over the past decade, I can actively remember thinking "I wish I was just one year older than this one" as I blew out my candles and welcomed in a new year. I welcomed in each year with discontentment and disappointment. I was angsty, what can I say? Here's what's changed, however, in the past several months: I am completely content with where I am in life right now. I'm content in the fact that I've got tough schooling ahead, content in the fact that my boyfriend and I don't live in the same city, content in the fact that I'm not going to be twenty one and able to drink legally in a few days, content in the fact that twenty is exactly where God wants me.
So, now that I have breached a new decade, am I grown up? Abso-freaking-loutely not. Not even close. The Lord still has to shape me in a lot of different ways, and He's prepping me for those things right now. I don't think I'll ever be "grown up" or an "adult" because I think I realize now those are just titles that have no exact definition or container. I got my first couch today. It was free, and I got my friends to help me go pick it up and bring it to my apartment. I write this piece while I lie upon this couch. I think, much like learning to drive or getting my ears pierced, this is an important milestone and I'm glad that it wasn't rushed. Getting my own couch happened exactly when it needed to, and that's the way "growing up," I believe, needs to be looked at. I'm not going to rush to get the the milestones of getting married or getting a 401k started because those milestones are going to happen at their appointed time. I think that realizing this in itself is a milestone, a point to be remembered.
So, as I blow out candles (maybe?) this weekend, I'm going to celebrate twenty and thank the good Lord above for these incredible two decades. I'm going to be with people that I genuinely love and that love me. What more can I ask for? I'm going to think about all of the milestones to come and smile, because I know that they're going to come when they come, and that's just OK.
I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea. How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art.
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