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momcode-blog1

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lost-broken786-deactivated20200

eliminated

unspokengrief

I am still but my leg shakes. the doctor asks me how I feel - I ask him how does water feel when it first starts to freeze? / have you ever thought of that? how it feels to be trapped inside yourself? with the possibility of being frozen inside out? what do you do in that moment? do you break the ice? am I suppose to break it every time? / the doctor asks me if I feel trapped - I say no but my skin tells a different story. for each time ive tried to escape there is a scar. my skin burns with everything trapped inside this body. do I feel trapped doctor? does summer know winters coming? / the doctor asks me why I can’t look him in the eye when he brings up my rape - I remind him about the ice. water. freezing. being trapped. i remind him i am water, i am always the water. something is trying to trap me. something. something. someone. / the doctor asks if my rapist is the ice in this scenario - i look the doctor in the eye. i am still but my leg shakes. i ask him, have you ever seen someone turn so cold you couldn’t recognise them? my grief is the ice. my grief is winter. my grief is my skin. my grief is every scar thats healed. trapping me in this body. my grief is in everything. i am water and winter comes often.

— trapped © h.g

chickenfarmersan

electric-daisy-forest

I just want a relationship where we are both equally obsessed with each other, but in a healthy way. Save my selfies when I send them to you. Text me “I know you’re sleeping right now, but…”. Take the time to listen to the songs that are important to me. Joke around with me and make fun of me and then kiss me right after. Tell your friends how happy I make you and how excited you’ll be when we are finally married. Double text me because you miss me. Reassure me when I’m feeling insecure. Grab my hand, hold me, show everyone I’m yours. Don’t hold back on me, tell me how much you want me and how much you love me. Make me happy and I will do my best to make you happier.

electric-daisy-forest

Just a few months later and now I have this.

classicallyfreshh

“I’m not the person that I used to be. None of my exes would be able to identify me. I’ve grown flowers in a garden once filled with tainted soil. I think differently, I love differently, I fuck differently, I express myself differently. And I drink a hell of a lot more. I am more courageous about taking risks with my time and my future. I am softer to strangers and those I hold dearest. I am more optimistic even though I know I will always be a realist at heart. Despite all of the growth, I am not yet the person I want to be. I will plant many more seeds in my garden of growth. I will embrace compassion. I will strive for empathy. I will take more time to be understanding. I will allow myself moments of reflection on the ways I have grown, but only long enough to grant myself the inspiration to become who I want to be.”

— the garden of my being