It’s been a while, but I need to yell into the void in long-form for a second. Today, I had the realization that, with the current state of things, there is the potential that quarantine is going to keep me from graduating in May... 2021. My dissertation involves me interviewing people in-person this summer, and there are some logistical/ethical issues that could prevent telephone or video interviews. I’m hoping to get a new job that would involve me relocating in the fall, which would definitely make it difficult to conduct interviews. And obviously, public health and safety is the top priority, and so much of it is beyond my control, but I’m just so sad. If all else fails, I could do my dissertation with data collected via survey or something, but that would render a lot of the work I’ve already written up pretty much useless until I recycled it for another project in the future.
I think I’m so sad about it because I’m so excited to progress and take the next step in my career, and the reality is that I’m probably going to be stalled, worrying about money and my finances being kept afloat by student loans for another season. And getting a supplementary job isn’t really an option because my current job that looks good on my resume contractually prevents me from working any meaningful amount of time elsewhere, despite the fact that we’re working on a university contract that expired like 7 years ago. Money isn’t even the most important thing, but it has such a huge impact on my mental health, and I’m already really unhappy and lonely here and I thought I would finally be able to move on. And I don’t even feel like I have anywhere to put all of this because it’s not like ~positive~ or whatever, so why would anyone want to hear about it? Anyway, I’ve been crying all day because I’ve had to put on this persona of everything being okay and happy for everyone around me for the last few months just to feel like I could maintain my friendships, even before all of this started, and this is the final thing that kind of broke the dam, I guess. The consequences are so far in the future that I don’t even know how to ask someone to take me seriously when I’m lucky enough to be physically healthy, and there are people who are scared and dying because there aren’t enough resources to take care of them.
I’ve had people who have needed support from me all week because of the tough stuff they’re going through that’s way more immediate than my problems, and I already had scheduled telephone check-ins with other people tonight to see how they’re doing so now I have to go back to suppressing things because it’s not going to be the right time or people to be sad in front of.
