i can always sort of tell when i'm feeling - i don't want to call it depressed. this is nothing close to clinical depression, not from what i know of it, what i have to know of it for my chosen career - down? i am not sure what to call it
but i know when it's coming because things will be fine but then i will wear myself thin, with uni, with family stress, with self-expectations, and it's like it's seeping through veins, creeping from my bones, spreading along each and every nerve
i feel like i'm being consumed from the inside out except not because that would be an active process and when i feel like this i feel like i can't do anything at all. i do things, i get up, i go about my life, but i spend my nights thinking about how little drive i have to actually move on.
sometimes i think that if it weren't for external stimuli, i'd fester and die. like, if i could cut myself out from all others, i'd just. stop. i only move as a result of inertia.
literally, i don't understand how i've made it this far in my uni course. it's a little ridiculous and sometimes i feel selfish - like i've taken the spot of a student more worthy, someone who would want to study medicine and would be good at it, put their heart and soul into it
and then i remember that sometimes, when i'm not feeling like this, i am that student? i am decent at clinical things, have the memory for facts, if i could put my mind to it. i like caring for others and like knowing i can make a positive difference in others' lives?
but i'm not always that student and that is the problem. i feel like there's a low grade buzz in my bones and in my teeth and i sort of want to cry but only because that is a quick and easy emotional response to elicit from me.
i've had three exams in three days and my fourth and final one will be this monday. i'm going back home for the summer break. a friend (an acquaintance? i'm not sure who my friends are any more) asked me the other day, would i ever move back?
when i moved interstate for uni, i had every intention of returning eventually but that seems less and less likely with every moment that passes. and it saddens me a little because i felt as if i left my life back there. i left my family (i only keep in touch with my mum on a daily basis), my friends, even my hobbies. while i'm here, i don't do much more than uni and fandom stuff i guess?
the people i'd consider my closest friends in this city are from the internet (which is not a bad thing) or friends from high school that just happen to live here now. i've got a few other friends from university but even then, i can feel myself pulling away.
i am pulling away. i'm withdrawing from socialising with university people. i left the committee of my favourite club at uni, ostensibly for study/time management reasons. i don't have a job. i barely respond to texts or messages unless it's a select handful of people.
i feel like i kind of need to find my self motivation again but that assumes i had any to begin with and when i feel like this i can't remember if i ever did.
i haven't talked to anyone about this stuff fully in a while. i probably should but i have the horrible feeling i'll end up crying - and that's fine, crying is fine but i'm not fine and i don't want to face that reality.
i just want things to get better but i want them to do so without my help and i don't think that will happen any time soon.
i've set an alarm for tomorrow morning. i'm going to go and study neurology at the library. i'm going to try and do things. i still feel sort of numbed.
