Iâve been an absolute mess since summer due the various ways my life has gone to crap but oh god starting from October itâs been nothing but heartbreak month after month with the consecutive deaths of my dear Gutaeng-hyung, a personal friend who I had just found, and the most recent one being Jjongie.
For the longest time, I couldnât bring myself to read any of the articles surrounding Joohyukâs passing, or look back at any footage of him from movies/2D1N. His loss was so unexpected and raw that I couldnât deal with any reminders of it. My heart still breaks for everyone shook by the suddenness of his departure (especially poor Yooyoung and Joon-young).Â
Itâs been a week and a half, and Iâm still havenât really been able to look at anything connected to our departed dinosaur without just going Q~Q
I think the mix of nostalgia and grief is what causes me to be overwhelmed to the point of feeling pained inside and wanting to just cry it all out.Â
Although thatâs changed recently.
A couple of days ago, I was able to sit through a memoriam special for Joohyuk--and while I did cry, it was for two reasons. The first being my inability to suck up my delusions and accept real life for what it is and the second being from the knowledge that Iâm not alone in my memories.
These same feelings helped me sit through a similar moment with Jonghyun today and I realized that yes, I feel miserable in my own sadness and that my heart bleeds for everyone else (oh god Kibum, Onew, Minho, and Taemin); but at the same time, I am happy to see all these captured tidbits of his life.
There are so many moments when I have smiled and felt nothing but joy thanks to Jonghyun--the same goes for Joohyuk as well and all the times he made me laugh to the point of tears.
And Iâm not the only one whoâs looking back at these moments with a smile and some pained tears. Theyâre both gone, but they are living on in our own hearts. Yes, there are so many questions, and maybe even more regrets, but that doesnât take away from the happiness weâve shared with/because of them.
This doesnât mean I about to stop crying anytime soon, but at least I can now find some acceptance in this new reality.Â
I hope the both of them are at peace right now and are smiling with the other angels. Heck, I can imagine that both of them are being the ones to make the others smile right now.
Joohyuk, I hope you managed to track down your family, and that youâre still laughing--even if that means itâs really old jokes that probably no one but you are getting. You had a full life, and itâs time for you to take a break. Thank you for all your hard work.
Jonghyun...oh god Iâm crying again. You did your best, and you did well.
Remembered forever with love, Kim Ju-hyeok
Kim Jong-hyun, we will remember you
