Crying Over You - Sehun Angst blurb
“You don’t mean to be a problem
You don’t mean to cause me pain
You don’t mean to do much but it’s one and the same
I don’t know where this came from
I thought we were plain sailing
This has taken me aback and it goes without saying...”
The other line of the phone rings. And rings. And rings.
Eventually, Sehun’s voice answers, but only as his voicemail to tell me that he “couldn’t make it to the phone.” He can never come to the phone anymore.
A knot in my throat formed, and I did my best to choke it back so I could leave my usual voicemail of, “hey! It’s me. Just wanted to talk before I went to bed tonight. Miss you. Love you. Call me, even if I’m asleep. I’ll always answer for you!” before hitting the big red circle on my screen.
I tossed and turned all night. It had been a few days since Sehun and I had actually talked on the phone. I got his sparratic text messages, always blaming the studio and full of promises of a call that night. Believing him was making me look like an idiot.
It was starting to kill me inside because I knew the end was coming. It was obvious. We had forced our way through three years of this idol/non-idol relationship and, maybe we were stupid for it. But fuck, we loved each other. There had been a time that there was so much passion behind our relationship. We had almost been caught so many times before we went public because we just couldn’t help but kiss or hold hands. He was my whole world.
The problem with making another person your whole world, though, is that you have nothing to stand on when they disappear.
“And I don’t know why I’ve been crying over you
For the life of me, I wish that I knew
And I don’t know, just how much more I can go through
Man oh man I wish I knew, I’ve been crying over you.”
I must have finally dozed off, because I was woken up abruptly by my phone vibrating against my nightstand. Reaching over without opening my eyes, I finally found it after groping the table a few too many times.
Squinting against the blinding light, I managed to push the “accept call” button.
“Hullo?” I muttered, half asleep.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Sehun’s voice was soft on the other side.
“I called b’fore I went to bed.” Mumbling was the best I could do right now. My words were slurred and broken but I tried to force myself to wake up to talk to him.
“I’ve missed your voice.” he said. I hadn’t been ready for that.
I should have responded with something sweet. Maybe a cute “aww” with “well at least you’re hearing it now.” Instead, however, I shot back, “I mean you could have heard it every night but you choose to ignore my calls instead.”
Sehun sighed the king of all irritated sighs on the other side of the phone. “Can we not do this right now? I had an awful day and was really hoping for some comfort from my girlfriend.”
I scoffed. “And what about my awful day two days ago that got me no response?! What about the last few days that I’ve needed my boyfriend?!”
The next few middle-of-the-night-hours were spent screaming at each other. We spit every hurtful world imaginable at each other. Blame was thrown in every direction from one to the other, no matter whose fault it actually was.
Sehun blamed SM. He blamed the managers, he blamed his band mates for needing help on choreo. He blamed me for not being strong enough.
That was the final straw. With the words “I’m done,” and a click of my phone, I decided that Sehun was out of my life.
“Don’t wanna break it up but, there’s no other way
You’re not the only one who’s hurting
Or who’s finding this hard
But you gotta admit that we’re drifting apart
Look we’re gonna feel broken a bit
And it’s gonna be a little bit shit
But you’ll find the strength when you’re weak
You’ll find a love when you least expect it
So don’t fight the tears on your cheek”
