note: these all came from things i saved on my phone. these all come from youtube, discord conversations, tumblr, and things i’ve said. i did adjust the grammar for a few of these so they read better.
“it’s funny how many things are allergic to shotgun blasts.”
“i happen to be allergic to knife blades, gun shots, and fire.”
“nobody talks about jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s.”
“that’s how they act when they’re trying to demonstrate dominance.”
“once, when i was driving home from school, i had a brief moment of panic because i thought i’d forgotten my car at school.”
“ah yes, i think we all remember how we felt that time before we were born.”
“(name) YOU SLEEPY FUCK.”
“he said he wanted to bust the first nut of the new year. i’d like to believe he succeeded but i went inside.”
“the man sounded like he had a plan, can’t fault him for that.”
“sounds like your son has solid critical thinking and problem solving skills. i wouldn’t worry about it.”
“i don’t know. he forgets me, sometimes. he always forgets me.”
“i’m a baby just like satan was!”
“simon says do this. so this is what i did.”
“but most important question is… did you die?”
“every beach is a nude beach, if you’re brave enough.”
*sneezes* “terribly sorry, i have a case of the wheezy sneezies.”
“i want you to take me inside and split me open like a coconut.”
“‘walkie talkie’ is the dumbest name for anything ever but i love it.”
“clearly, keanu reeves is either a vampire, or bill and ted’s excellent adventure is a documentary.”
“well, that ain’t right… i’ll deal with this shit in the morning.”
“MY NYAS!!!!”
“you stole my nyas.”
“the cat was only 60 dollars, we can get another one.”
“clearance kitty.”
“my mom told me to ask you.”
“wait which bitch is that one?”
“maybe you should have listened and killed the fucking bear at the door.”
“fuck that with a cup of milk.”
“love it enough to fuck it?”
“if i was him, i’d tell him it was your bitch ass fault for being frozen in fear, and tell you something about natural selection ‘cause i’m an asshole like that.”
“why, oh why, did it have to be an oldish woman? everybody knows that is the form demons take possession of.”
“what are you wearing? then i’ll take a large pepperoni pizza.”
“so don’t let the creepy lady harm (name), but let the bat exterminator get killed?”
“bat exterminators know what they’re getting into when they choose that line of work.”
“the old ‘i can’t die while watching disney’ trick. classic.”
“this is why i’m 27 and sleep with the disney channel on every night. i’m still alive so it must be working.”
“ghost survival guide rule number one: keep them closet doors closed.”
“oh good. i was worried you’d seen me again.”
“benny, i’ll look up at you every night. if you look down on me, then we’ll still be togetaher.”
“it was easier to be brave when you were someone else.”
“like fam, why restrain the tiddies if it is ass o'clock at night.”
“a milkshake to summon the boys and a cold one to bind them.”
“if (name) does not come home, i will be forced to slap him like the bitch he is.”
vaporwave
jimmyeatworldofficial
2087
stormborns
