PrezLoop’s “Sal’s Uncontrollable Gas” - Part 1
I was never a guy who molded well to the gay scene, but I was forcing myself to go to a gay bar tonight. I was tired of being lonely, and hoping to make some gay friends. I don’t think I fit the gay image though. I’m 28, 5’10, thin but toned and muscular. I was skinny my entire life, but the past few years I’ve put on size at the gym. Dirty blonde hair and blue eyes, clean cut, preppy looking. Generally I consider myself more of a man’s man, than a stereotypical gay guy. OK… I wasn’t always so masculine, but in recent years I’ve discovered I like being masculine and dating masculine men, so I’ve been conscious of it. One of the reasons I avoid gay clubs is because I’m just not attracted to feminine men. I like men, manliness, machismo, masculinity.
While twinky boys I largely found unattractive were dancing away under a nearby discoball, I sat at the bar by myself and ordered a Bud Light. I saw no men who caught my eye. I felt awkward drinking by myself and was tempted to leave. Until I saw a hunk of a guy walk in with his head down who sat by himself and ordered a beer a few seats down from me. He looked 35 maybe, very tan, short thick black hair. He had to be about 6’4 and maybe 270 lbs. of big beefy muscle. He wasn’t cut like me; I saw he had a belly, which I always secretly loved, especially because he also had a wide frame, broad shoulders, a thick massive chest and big burly arms. Best of all, he was wearing dark jeans but I could see his massive legs and huge globe ass. This man was so impressive I was able to note all of his physical attributes in the few seconds he walked by me.
He looked like a real guy’s guy, someone I wanted to get to know. I tried making eye contact with him to say hello, but he sat by himself staring at the TV, intentionally not making eye contact with anyone in the bar. Hell, he looked more awkward than me, despite us both drinking beer by ourselves. Normally, I’m pretty shy and would never engage with him, but the fact that he was being more awkward at the gay bar than me gave me some confidence.
I decided to walk over and approach him, but as soon as I got out of my chair, he got up and walked into the bathroom. Did he reject me? Before I decided if I felt embarrassed, I remembered, half the guys at this bar saw me get up to walk toward this guy, so now I had to pretend like I was going to the bathroom too so as to look less awkward.
I nervously swung open the bathroom door and saw two urinals with no separator. Mr. Hunk of Beef was staring at the wall, pissing at one. He was tense like a statute. I grabbed the urinal next to him. He, of course, didn’t acknowledge me, so I stared straight ahead not acknowledging him. In my head though, I was fighting every urge I had in me to not check out the gigantic package I knew this Monster had, mostly because of how loud and forcefully I could hear his thick stream sounded as it hit the urinal. It was turning me on. I had to approach him, but the bathroom couldn’t be the place. I started to devise a plan in my head and I became lost in thought. Suddenly, Mr. Beef did something that actually startled me and caused me to jump:
Talk about a manly fart. Mr. Beef had ripped a short but incredibly loud fart at the conclusion of his piss. He then looked over at me with a slight, cocky (and very sexy, but also very charming) smile, as we made eye contact for the first time. “Sorry” he said with a slight chuckle. I wanted to say something back but I was too taken aback by how manly this guy was. I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but I did secretly get turned on when men did manly stuff like fart confidently in public. And his was so deep, basey, and loud. It felt like he was establishing his dominance, despite it not smelling that bad.
I suddenly became nervous like I needed to say something or compliment the fart. I wanted to play cool, because this guy seemed like a genuine’s man’s man. I tried not to say something “gay.” While he was washing his hands I walked over to the sink and said the first thing that came to my mind: “Lucky no one was standing behind you.” Shit. Was that funny?
“Excuse me?” He replied. Granted it had been over a minute since the fart.
“Uh, your fart at the urinal…” Shit, now I felt awkward. I shouldn’t have said anything.
“Oh,” He smiled “Haha. Sorry, I don’t know if its rude to, uh, fart, in, uh, places like this…” I took comfort in how nervous he sounded, being glad I wasn’t the only one. What did he mean by ‘places like this?’ Gay bars?
“I’m sure grosser things have happened in this bathroom.” He laughed at my joke and I congratulated myself, but I also wondered if was I harping to long on his fart.
“Good, because by my standards, that was barely gross.” He chuckled and walked out of the bathroom. It was weird to me he didn’t own how awesome that fart was. Manly guys love to brag about farting, and here this guy rips a gigantic one, but tries to play it off like it was barely anything.
I was turned on and had a sudden rush on confidence. I walked out of the bathroom briskly, grabbed my beer and moved to sit next to Mr. Beef. He looked surprised and uncomfortable but I chose to sit through it. “Names Kevin” I said extending my arm. He shook my hand obnoxiously hard. Or maybe he was just that strong?
“Sal.” He replied, and before I could respond, he cut me off to say “Can I buy you a beer Kevin?” Oh, Sal you could buy me whatever you want.
“Sure, I’ll take a bud light” I responded.
Sal grabbed the bartender’s attention. “1 bud light and 1 bud heavy”
“Bud heavy, manly drink?” I teased him. Beer had a tendency to make me gassy, and for some reason I wanted to hear Mr. Beefy Sal fart again. I hoped he would.
“Yeah, only problem is, it makes me gassy.” And as if him saying that sentence aloud wasn’t sexy enough, he proceeded to lift one leg on the chair and ripped and audible thumping fart on the stool, so loud I could hear the base blaster reverbate off the stool even though the gay dance music was playing loudly. Jesus, quite another big fart to rip, not even two minutes after his gigantic bathroom blast. This guy had game. And for some reason it was turning me on.
Unlike the bathroom blast this one smelled a little, like garlic. He looked Italian, so it figured. Sal fanned the air and chuckled. “Sorry about that.”
I chuckled back and tried to play cool despite being turned on. “All good man.” Again, I didn’t know how to respond to that loud fart.
We then switched to small talk about the Patriots game on TV. Without realizing I noticed he was almost done his beer while mine was still ¾ full. Since he was ripping those manly farts, I wanted to impress him. I was pretty good at chugging beer. So I decided to tilt my head back and chug the rest of my beer while he was speaking. I finished in 10 seconds. No big deal. I felt cocky showing off how fast I could chug. And then I felt what everyone feels after chugging beers: a huge burp bubbling in my chest. So Mr. Sal can fart? Wait until he hears my monster belch. I’ll show him. I waited a few seconds before unleashing a monster belch, which even by my standards as what I considered an excellent chugger and burper, this one was loud. I burped away from his direction. Proud of myself, I glanced over at Sal to see how impressed he was, but Sal looked un-phased.
I was annoyed Sal didn’t respond to my loud manly belch so when the bartender handed us both two new beers, I immediately chugged the entire bottle without even cheers-ing Sal. Sal looked confused. Ok, I had a little temper; I wanted Sal to acknowledge my belch. After finishing the entire bottle in under 20 seconds, I waited a few seconds and let loose and even bigger burp than the first one, this time right to the right of his face.
Sal stared back at me and looked very confused. Shit. Did I do too much? I wiped my mouth and apologized laughing to myself. Sal did a slow blink. Then without respond he lightly pounded his chest with his right hand in a fist twice, and took in a big breath. Oh man.
He unleashed a monster of a belch that nearly blew my hair back. It felt like it was erupting from the depths of hell, so deep and guttural. It lasted over 5 seconds too. It was so loud, he caught the attention of all the twinky gays dancing. I was speechless. I should have felt embarrassed, but I was just too fucking turned on. This guy just produced gas in such a manly, casual way. It was overtly sexy.
Strangest of all, Sal, barely acknowledged his burp. He smirked lightly and went back to staring at Pats game. I had to acknowledge it. “Shit man,” I said. He just smiled back barely making eye contact, playing that monster belch off like it was nothing. How was he not acknowledging his incredible gas? It confused me.
A few minutes passed before Sal turned to me, “Does this place have good food?”
“No, but there’s a Wendy’s around the corner. I planned on stopping there after here” I was getting hungry and tired. I needed to get this guy’s number first, though.
“Cool, I’ll join you” Woah, did he just invite himself to Wendy’s with me? I was in heaven. How did I score someone so manly and attractice. Ok Kevin, play it cool. Play it cool…
We finished our beers, grabbed out coats and walked outside. As soon as Sal shut the door I heard him groan. Then:
He strained to push out a long squealer fart that lasted over 5 seconds. Right in front of the bouncer, who looked grossed out but laughed. Sal moaned the whole time he pushed and it sounded like relieved an incredible amount of gas after he pushed it all out. Damn. Despite being outside, this was his worst smelling fart yet. Much more garlic this time.
“Ahhh, was holding it for so long,” Sal smiled. For so long? He wasn’t even in inside the gay bar for more than an hour total, and he had already ripped two gigantic farts, one not even 20 minutes ago. Again he seemed to barely acknowledge the rip.
“I’m starving. I might put this Wendy’s out of business, haha” Normally I’d say he was exaggerating but this monster of a man with apparently unlimited gas, was about to prove to me he had several extraordinary abilities.
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