Fat Don't Fail Me Now

Your guide to being fat. Why? Because it's easier.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #52 - Jamba Juice Type Places

Avoid those fruit smoothie places like Jamba Juice or Robeks as they are nothing but glorified slurpees that cost you around $4-5 dollars. You can simply get a non-nutritious and sugar filled slurpee from your local 7-11 for $1-2, without the embarrassment of saying stupid names such as Mango-a-go-go or Strawberry Surf Rider.

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Fat Tip #51 - White Rice vs. Brown Rice

Much like hybrid cars, organic foods, and Jennifer Lopez... do not fall for trends. The current food/health trend I'm talking about is brown rice as a substitute for white rice. Like pretty much all whole grain foods, brown rice is grittier, chewier, and tastes awful compared to the much superior soft and fluffy white rice.

Need another reason? Most or all Asian countries consider brown rice to be inferior rice.

"In much of Asia, brown rice is associated with poverty and wartime shortages, and in the past was rarely eaten except by the sick, the elderly, and as a cure for constipation."

- Wikipedia

A few billion people can't be wrong? Right?

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #50 - Dental Floss

Want to gain a few extra calories before going to bed or at the start of the morning? Instead of using regular boring dental floss, add some real flavor and substitute it with a Red Vine Licorice! Your dentist may not recommend it, but at least you're flossing once, twice, three, or a dozen times a day!

Extra Fat Tip: Gurgle with Dr. Pepper or any other non-diet soda after you're done brushing and flossing.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #49 - Not Updating Your Site

Sorry for the lack of fat tips lately. It's far easier not updating this site than it is to update it. Things been busy at the fat offices lately, which includes festering, doing nothing, and other unrelated fat things... but be assure, more fat tips will come. 

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #48 - Tortilla Chips

Instead of using spoons, use tortilla chips to scoop up anything off your plate to your mouth hole. Make sure to use double the tortilla chip to prevent the edible spoon from breaking when you eat foods like ice cream.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #47 - Grocery Shopping

Buy all of your groceries from any 99 Cents stores or dollar stores. Any edible products there are more likely to be highly processed and fattening. Imagine all of the money you save too from shopping at these places.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #46 - Nacho Slurpee

Did you know there's a hidden Slurpee flavor at your local 7-11?

It's the self-serving nacho cheese dispenser! Take that 44 oz. Big Gulp and fill it up to the brim with that delicious yellow goo. Be creative and dispense both cheese and chili into the cup and sprinkle it with jalapeños. Typically, this is frown upon by the 7-11 clerks, so we recommend topping off with real Slurpee (our favorite is Cherry) to conceal the real prize.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #45 - Housing

We suggest moving into a studio apartment as a typical home or apartment that contains numerous door frames or narrow hallways, can be difficult to maneuver through in the future. If you can't find a unit that isn't on the first floor, make sure the building has an industrial elevator for heavy lifting.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #44 - Fatdontfailmenow.com

You can now access this handy guide through it's new domain, www.fatdontfailmenow.com. Which means less letters to type to save precious calories.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #43 - Belts

You can use an extension chord or rope as a belt in case your current ones do not fit anymore. For the handyman within yourself, you can also add holes to your current belt (assuming it's pleather) using a steak knife or a sharpen pencil. 

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #42 - Donut Math

Winchell's Donuts offers over 84 donut varities, meaning you have an endless number of combinations for lunch or Dinner.

Half a dozen donutes will give you over 406 Million delicious combinations. Go with a bakers dozen for a full meal, and you have over 625 trillion combinations. Choices Choices!

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #41 - Softball

Forced to play softball because of co-workers or friends and family? Play right right field. You are less likely to get balls hit to you and is the nearest position to the snack bar for those in between innings.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #40 - Portion Control

Eating the entire thing is a type of portion control.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #39 - Treadmills

Invest in a treadmill. Treadmills are great way to walk the dog everyday. Do you take your dog out for walks so it can relieve itself on your neighbor's yard? Invest in a house with a backyard. Problem solved.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #38 - P90x

Forget that glorified infomercial that P90x is. Instead, your new training video should be seasons 1-3 of Man vs. Food. Watch closely and follow eating tips from your new gelatinous trainer, Adam Richman. Follow his eating techniques and strategies, soon you'll be eating burgers the size of a couch cushions without breaking a sweat in no time!

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #37 - Sodium

Foods that contain high sodium/salt can be dangerous to your health. You can't be fat when you're dead. Instead, do the opposite and stick to sugary and sweet foods (sugar is the opposite of salt right?). A good balance between the fried salty foods and the sugary foods can be key to your fatness goal.

[fatdontfailmenow]

Fat Tip #36 - Pudding Pops

Tired of that flavorless low-cal pudding pop? Slather on a healthy dose of peanut butter for a peanut buttery prescription that even Dr. Cosby can't beat!