father philip is here to release you from sin

welcome to father philip's confessional booth, here you may confess your most heinous of sins and be pardoned (or judged idk man)

[father-philips-confessional]

welcome one and all, to father philip's confessional, here you may share your most wretched of phannie secrets, and be absolved (judged accordingly) by our supreme heavenly overlord, the pheal.

amen.

[father-philips-confessional]

i have never liked pears but i havent tried one in years, is this my sign to try one again

Yes. There is still time to be forgiven.

[father-philips-confessional]

i'm not doing my best. so many days, i just lay in bed and doomscroll. it's not like i don't have the energy to get up, but i just don't.

Not a sin. Do not despair child, life is but a series of rolling hills, eventually one must find itself at the base, and though the climb back up may be endless and agonizing, it will feel as though it were simply a dream when you are once again upon the crest.

The energy will come on due time, free yourself from shame and let yourself rest in the meantime.

[father-philips-confessional]

Phather, I've never seen any of the super amazing project videos and I don't really care to. Am I a phake phan?

Not necessarily. However, for your sake, I would refrain from speaking of your affliction so openly.

[father-philips-confessional]

you'll be the next pope father phillip, i believe in you

Thank you dear child, your reassurance warms my heart.

[father-philips-confessional]

PHATHER! i am trans (ftm) and i need a name. please help i want something that has a cool meaning and can have a nickname. thank you and the holy pheal above phather

Pear, short for Pear, meaning pear.

[father-philips-confessional]

ate a pear just for you phather

I am proud of you.

[father-philips-confessional]

Father Phillip please help me,

I drunkenly texted a girl that I like but barely know asking her to hang out. She said yes, we are meeting tomorrow.

I am filled with embarrassment, fear, and regret.

Please pray for me.

Seeing as this has clearly worked out in your favour I cannot fathom why you are in such a state of distress. Enjoy your date my child.

[father-philips-confessional]

the part in phil and dan get down where phil turns into a werewolf and attacks dan makes me so horny i start hyperventilating. what the hell is wrong with me

Nothing at all. Your reaction is very much justified.

[father-philips-confessional]

"She'd be delighted to do as you say" oh would she now 😈

Yes, I do believe she would.

[father-philips-confessional]

father i have to confess i often think about sister daniel with the catboy socks….. i know it was not her usual attire and doesn’t fit at all but something about it is incredibly sexy i believe she would look lovely with some black thigh highs

I will mention this to her. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

[father-philips-confessional]

I think my only sin is making this

I do not think this is a sin? Perhaps eat a pear just in case.

[father-philips-confessional]

the dnp lofi beats are mid

Consider placing a pair of live leeches, one in each ear, as they clearly serve no purpose to you.

[father-philips-confessional]

dear father!

is the holy Pheal punishing me with nosebleeds? Is this pheir way to let me know I'm living a life of sin?

I even had a pear yesterday

No. Contact a medical professional. Congratulations on the pear. Have another one.

[father-philips-confessional]

Father Philip why is it that Dan and Phil got to meet their soulmate so young, what are the rest of us to do without a soulmate by our side. Simply watch Sister Daniel and goon?

Though I understand it is natural for one to question their faith, rest assured that the Heavenly Pheal has His reasons for everything that he does. You should feel grateful that you have been given the chance to lay your eyes upon Sister Daniel's form at all.

[father-philips-confessional]

Father I have been staring at Phil’s chest hair for 24 hours and have failed to contribute to society in any meaningful way since seeing him on the pontoon.

Am I forgiven?

Not a sin. Nothing to forgive. Pear.

[father-philips-confessional]

Father I really need to confess.. I have this friend who wants to go out with me, but I have rejected him because he doesn't like Dan and Phil -- is this a sin??

Not a sin. I pity your friend's narrow mind, but I applaud you for your tenacity. As you know, fraternizing with those who do not accept the Holy Church of Phan is frowned upon.