A lifetime
Ive made a lot of mistakes, I’ve lived a 1000 lives, I’m 36 and have so many regrets, I hurt a lot of people and said a lot of mean things, I put things that would bring me some sort of instant gratification, ahead of doing the right thing. I always needed some shoes or new clothes that would in my mind take away from that fact that I was never really happy or comfortable with myself. Wether that happiness was material or from women. I pissed it all away, cause the high ran out, I needed something to mask the hate and the pain. I needed to not deal with what I was truly unhappy with.... myself. I hated my body. I pushed away all the women that ever truly loved me. I cheated cause I would get slightly insecure and need the validation of a woman, they made me feel worhty of my love. I would like to think that my actoins had something more to do then just with my weight and the way that i saw myself, im sure it did, but im also sure that it had a huge part to do with it. I wish i could tell you how i started to love myself. i wish there was something i could say that would make you value what you see in the mirror everyday. i could tell the series of events that made me realize that no matter what bad things i thgouth about myself, i was still worthy of love. I dont know you, i dont even know if anyone is reading this, but i want you to know that im here, and i made it, i see photos of myself sometimes and for split second i see a fat piece of shit, then logic kicks in and i realize the person that took that picture loved me enough to want a photo of me, that i have value to the people around me. evceryone isnt gonna love you but also not everyone is gonna hate you. i recently found out that someone at work didnt like me, and for half the day i was wondering why and what i did for someone not to like me. i wanted to know more and see if there was anyting i could do to change her mind or maybe clear somethin up , but then i thought, fuck it, who cares. this person plays no part in my life other then passing them at work. the truth is you may never know why someone doesnt like you , and the truth is you shouldnt really care. Fuck them! you deserver better in your life. you deseve to be around people that cheer you on and people that accept you for your flaws but still give you the feedback that will make you a better person. the people that will joke about you to your face and love you enough to have your back but not sugar coat things, a friedn that wont deny youre fat, but also check you when you think youre the fattest person in the world. thats also not anyones responbility, no one owes you that, buy you do owe it to yourself. i was wathcing this ted talks once and the lady said " fake it till you make it"? no "fake it till you become it". i bacme it, im on a jpurney to get healthy and lose weight not becaure i give a flying fuck about what people think of me but becuase i dont wanna be in pain and die. you have to find your own reasons to over come the negative way you see and feel about yourself, there isnt a magic link or a pill that will change that, and i dont expect my words to change your life, but i do hope by reading this you know that youre not alone, and just cause this is gonna be that last thing i wirte doenst mean im not aorund.thank you all for giving me an outlet and letting me share the things ive been through, shit hasnt alwasy been all rainbows and gum drops but life is prety Hey good right now and im gratefull
as always be happy, be well, be kind, and be loved
signing out, sam