Fat, Smart, and Pretty

A fat blog about social justice, feminism, science, health, and fa(t)shion by Jenn Leyva var _gaq = _gaq || []; _gaq.push(['_setAccount', 'UA-23831473-1']); _gaq.push(['_trackPageview']); (function() { var ga = document.createElement('script'); ga.type = 'text/javascript'; ga.async = true; ga.src = ('https:' == document.location.protocol ? 'https://ssl' : 'http://www') + '.google-analytics.com/ga.js'; var s = document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0]; s.parentNode.insertBefore(ga, s); })(); var sc_project=7038928; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="e21b0e56";

[fatsmartandpretty]

I came home and rubbed my belly. My soft, fat, stretch mark ridden belly. After a barrage of weight loss ads and talk of New Years resolutions about “not eating garbage” and pointed glances at the food I was eating, I came home and took off my many layers and touched my belly. I warmed my hands first and then softly, lovingly, felt the part of my body that has been at the focus of so much hatred. It’s taken years to feel my body. To let myself touch the parts I have wished away countless times. To caress and stroke tenderly, as a gentle apology for years of abuse and neglect. And also to let myself feel my body. To feel the sensations of hunger and pain and even pleasure. To dare to reject the onslaught of training I have to override these sensations in hope of overriding my existence. It’s day two of a new calendar year, and many are trying to self flagellate as if they need to atone for their sinful holiday gluttony. They perhaps don’t realize (or maybe they do realize but don’t care) that they are inadvertently hitting me with their weapons aimed at themselves. They leave marks on my full, soft belly as I bite my tongue and hold in my pain. Decades of dieting has taught me how to act like a good masochist. Only now I go home, take off all of my armor, and lovingly rub my belly and tend to my wounds. I am grateful and amazed that after all of these years I have not become hardened and calloused. I am still soft and tender. I am still fat. I am still here.

[fatsmartandpretty]

I’m hosting a plus size clothing swap in Seoul! You should come! Tell your friends! 

[Text: All plus size babes in Korea: come together for an afternoon of fashion and baked goods in Seoul! Bring your selves, your plus size friends, and your used (and clean!) clothing, accessories, and shoes. 

Sat. May 16, 1-4 PM

Seoul, Korea

RSVP to [email protected] Sizes US 16+ / UK 20+]

[fatsmartandpretty]

“A woman who writes has power, and a woman with power is feared.”

Gloria E. Anzaldúa

[fatsmartandpretty]

Coffee makes you queer. Print by Amos Paul Kennedy Jr.

[fatsmartandpretty]

White people and non-Black POC,

Are you pissed off and frustrated with the (police) state, the astounding lack of justice, and the seemingly endless murders of Black people? Me too. This shit is fucked up, and we need to do something about it.

However, this is not the time to talk to your (token) Black friend about sad this makes you. It is not the job of the oppressed to hold your hand and help you through this.

Tell me instead. I don’t claim to be the world's expert on anti-Black racism, but I give some shits and know a few things. I promise to listen patiently, gently challenge challenge you, and suggest a few courses of actions. I’ll make you a reading list. I’ll find some rallies for you to join. I’ll find some places for you to toss in a few dollars. We’ll figure out the best ways for you to engage.

This is also a dialogue. I welcome critique and engagement in my own thoughts and practices. I will do my best to be vulnerable and present.

Send me an email (jenn at fatsmartandpretty dot com) or a message.

[fatsmartandpretty]

"I've been thinking about the combination of stories [on the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and Ferguson] in contemporary media. Take a look at just about any site, and they'll have articles about both that seem totally incongruent. Some celebrity was really cute or wacky in some stunt and a community is protesting and mourning another Black man murdered by the police. The scale on these two stories is incomparable, and yet they're presented as worthy of the same attention and audience. 

What's most striking to me, and what's making me cry on the subways of Seoul, is the ways in which white people perform discomfort. In the juxtaposition of these two types of articles, I'm struck by how white people are willing to be uncomfortable, but only in very controlled and curated situations."

Read the rest at xoJane.

[fatsmartandpretty]

Because fat girl

[fatsmartandpretty]

Queering Fat Embodiment

This book is academic as shit. This isn’t a book that you can recommend to your mom when she makes those snide remarks about what you’re eating or who you’re dating (not that that’s ever happened to anyone I know…). This isn’t a book that I’m going to casually read while waiting for the bus (though that may work for you). This isn’t even a book I’ll read in one fell swoop. I’ll read a chapter here and there, and let the thoughts simmer. There are loads of references to other texts I haven’t read, so I’ll make more lists and hopefully eventually make my way out of this literary rabbit hole.

Admittedly I read this academic shit because I (selfishly) find it validating in many ways. This text is a product of many people thinking critically and deeply to better understand themselves and the world around them. The three editors of this work have all been involved in the fat activist community for years. Cat Pausé has been the voice behind Friend of Marilyn since 2011 (I’ve even been a guest a few times!). Jackie Wykes is a fat femme babe who’s been involved with Aquaporko and Va Va Boombah. Samantha Murray is the brilliant author of The Fat Female Body, the most rigorous academic text about fat embodiment I’ve found. These are people who care about fat people, not just researchers who are fascinated by this weird phenomenon of “teh fat” (or worse, who look at us with pity— if only we could help them!). 

This book addresses fatness and queerness in real, substantive ways. Rather than falling into a weird fat/queer niche never to be thought of again, I think this text addresses the underlying aspects of our culture(s) that are illuminating to our larger cultural patterns. As with any anthology, I always want more (I am a gluttonous fat bitch, after all). I know we (the collective of internet fatties) have written tomes on the topic of fat fashion, and there’s still more to be written. One chapter is not enough-- I’d like to see a whole book on just that! I also find that there are so many pieces that could (and should) have been included. I recently read Sex and Disability, and I find myself asking how disability fits into just about everything, a question that’s largely unasked in this text. There’s only so much space in one volume; these are important openings that I hope will be addressed soon. 

If nothing else, take a moment to appreciate the (blurred but maybe naked?) fat body on the cover of a for-serious academic text. That's fucking marvelous. 

For more information, check out the book launch here and find the book here. The book is expensive (fucking academic presses are ridiculous), but you should definitely urge public and academic libraries to purchase a copy of this book. 

[fatsmartandpretty]

Vivian Kim (김지양) launches 66100, a new plus-size fashion magazine, in Korea. More info here. 

[fatsmartandpretty]

I deserve to exist. My body is valid. I think it to myself or say it quietly under my breath like a prayer. I say it sharply coupled with a “fuck you” at strangers snickering at me on the bus or on the Internet. On really difficult days when I think my body is a worthless sack of shit (there are those days; there are rough days in any relationship), I force myself to admit that I’m worthy. I stand in front of the mirror and look at my body and say it aloud until I believe it.

Read the rest of my piece here. 

[fat-grrrl-activism]

FAT FLASH MOB 2014

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Fat bodies existing in public is nothing short of revolutionary.

[dresscodecracker-deactivated201]

DCC Episode 3: Jenn Leyva "Too much is never enough"

DCC Episode 3: Jenn Leyva “Too much is never enough”

Jenn is a queer anti-assimilationist anarcho-feminist! She spoke to DCC via skype from her home in South Korea where she is teaching at a for profit school.

fat, smart and pretty

Read all about it here: http://fatsmartandpretty.com/

she did say ‘red lipstick until i die’…..

We talked about the HRC, feminism, clothes as comfort and armour, cultural differences in South Korea (and her aversion to…

View On WordPress

[fatsmartandpretty]

Oh look! It's me!

[fatsmartandpretty]

Justice, which entails acknowledgment, recognition, and loving attention, is not a state that can be achieved once and for all. There are no solutions; there is only the ongoing practice of being open and alive to each meeting, each intra-action, so that we might use our ability to respond, our responsibility, to help awaken, to breathe life into every new possibilities for living justly.

Karen Barad, Meeting The Universe Halfway, page x

[fatsmartandpretty]

Fat Queer Online Writing Group

I have a proposal of sorts: let's make ourselves a fat, queer online writing group. 

You may have noticed a bit of a lack on this space, from me in general. In part, I'm trying to take an intentional step back from the internets and focus on other things. But a large part of it is, I think, a fear of writing and creating. I have been trying to write a few things for a while, and I can’t seem to make them happen. I stare at my computer willing it to free me from a task I know it can’t; I write the beginnings of something on Facebook or in a journal and decide to scrap it because it’s hard. I want more practice, and I want people who see me to hold me accountable and push me to write more and write better.

It’s not just about my writing; it’s about our community voices. We have important things to say, things that need to be heard. I want our voices to be as powerful, beautiful, resilient, delicate, layered, and full as they can be. I want for us to write so that we can make ourselves whole.  Here’s my vision:

A 6 week writing workshop starting the first week in February (I’m open and interested in more, but I think this is a good starting chunk of time. It’s enough time to actually work on a piece or three and not so much time that we’ll burn out or forget about it by the end.)

We “meet” once a week, and we alternate submitting either original work or critiques to the works presented. I will arrange some round-robin type system so the same people don’t always respond to each other. "Meetings" will consist of a weekly deadline to submit either texts or feedback on dreamwidth.org. 

All genres and styles of writing are welcome. Texts need not be directly related to fatness / queerness, though the content of text should exist within the NOLOSE community agreements. 

If this sounds like something you are interested in, please email me (jenn @ fatsmartandpretty.com) by January 25th. We'll exchange a few emails to make sure it'll be a good fit for this group, and then we can start the first week of February. 

[fatsmartandpretty]

Selfish Women

This is part of a blog project where I’m asking women about being selfish. Interested in participating? Email me at jenn @ fatsmartandpretty.com.

Today we have Kristi M, a 30 year old American English teacher in South Korea.

1. What's the last thing you did exclusively for yourself?

The last thing that I did exclusively for myself was download and read a new book. It’s a cheesy romance novel/guilty pleasure type deal, but it was completely for me and I’m thoroughly engrossed in it. I stayed up until nearly 3 AM reading when I should have been asleep early since I had work this morning, but sometimes you just have to do something for yourself.

2. If you had an hour and $20 to spend on yourself, what would you do?

I would buy the new yarn that I want and get a Christmas Cookie Latte from Starbucks and just sip and knit.

3. What do you think of the word "selfish"?

I think that the word selfish has a negative connotation in our society today. Sometimes thinking of yourself is a good thing, as long as it is not hurting anyone else (or yourself). This is not being selfish, although lots of people get accused of being selfish for doing it. Solely thinking of yourself to the detriment of others is being selfish.

I recently started a new job teaching kindergarten in Korea. I was replacing a 43 year old, white, American, male. I’m a 30 year old, white, American, female. We both assumed that we were pretty much on the same page. Merely the commonality of being strangers in a strange land had has afforded me the opportunity to make lots of new friends. He kept complimenting me, saying that I was “just so good with kids” and asked when I would have some of my own. I politely informed him that I love kids, and I love teaching, but I don’t have any intentions of having my own kids. You would have thought that I had punched him in the face; he was so offended my statement. He accused me of being “selfish” for not having kids. It felt like he was using “selfish” as a derogatory word. I was floored. I didn’t have a clue what to say back, so I asked him why he felt that way. He told me that the only reason that I think I don’t want to have kids is because I think that I can’t find a good man and gave me the “plenty of fish in sea” speech. His assumptions made my patience start to run a little thin. I kindly explained that, I guess he’s right, I am being selfish for not having kids, but not for the reasons that he assumes. I like my life the way that it is. A baby changes everything. If I had kids, they would be the top priority in my life and I would make sacrifices to give them every advantage that I could. Having said that, I don’t have kids, and I don’t have any intentions of having kids. I’m taking every precaution to insure that I don’t have kids, and that is a choice that I get to make. I’m in a committed relationship. I like coming home to someone that I love dearly and that loves me. I like being able to stay up late reading, if that’s what I want to do. I like being able to eat desert first. I love to travel. I have a personal goal of making it to every continent. I don’t think it would be right or safe to force a child to accompany me on that journey. I enjoy extreme sports like skydiving and bungee jumping. I feel like it would be careless and irresponsible to risk my life like that if I had a child that was depending upon me. The mommy path is not the path that I choose to be on. My path has changed a lot in the last 30 years, I never expected to find myself in Korea. Maybe one day, that path will change, but right now, this is my choice. I feel absurdly lucky that I have the capability to decide how I want to live my life and actually do it. It is possible for me to carve out the lifestyle that I want to have for myself. I dislike the term selfish. Doing what I think is best for me, when it doesn't hurt anyone else, is not being selfish. One man’s selfish is another woman’s self-awareness.

[fatsmartandpretty]

Thankful

[fatsmartandpretty]

Resilience

The newest person at work is quitting. When I found out that she was quitting and moving back to Canada I was, of course, concerned about her well-being. Moving abroad is hard, and having to move back on less than ideal terms is even harder. Plus there's the fact that we'll all have more work as we train the replacement teacher and her them up to speed. It's not what anyone was hoping for.

More than anything, though, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I've fucking made it. 5 months. I'm here. I'm adjusting well. I am adaptable. I am resilient. 

I taught myself how to read Korean. I signed myself up for Korean classes and make it a point to go every Saturday morning. I find things I want to do in Seoul, and I do them. I go into the city and figure shit out by myself with little more than internet research to help me out. I try to find likeminded people and meet up with them. I managed to figure out how to feed myself, including figuring out to how budget and cook for myself. I've even increased my spice tolerance significantly. These are not easy things. Especially not all slammed together and thrown at someone all at once. It feels really good to realize how far I've come.

This is why I wanted to move abroad. I wanted to challenge myself to be more adaptable. I wanted to stretch myself and see what stuck. I wanted to challenge my notions of what is normal and typical from what is normal and typical in my circles. I think it makes me a better person. It makes me more capable to take on other tasks, and it's fun to do new things. 

I nearly lost sight of how much I've accomplished because I've been surrounded by people who don't get me. These are the kind of people who don't think about patriarchy and white supremacy and the invisible systems that define our lives. They don't think about these systems because they don't have to.

About three weeks into moving here, when I was starting to get to know everyone at work and really feel like I was going to be able to live here, one of my coworkers stopped me on the way home from work and basically told me that the people in the office thought I was a judgmental bitch. He was trying to be kind, and I don't doubt his intentions. I remember thinking, But I was trying! I am holding my tongue and playing nice! You should see me when I try to be a judgmental bitch!

I can only play nice to a certain extent. If I don't feel like I can engage with you and have a real conversation about why talking about dieting at lunch is really difficult for me or why saying things like "shut your whore mouth"* is hurtful and harmful, I simply won't respond. I realize that some may see this as rude, but what am I supposed to do? Put up with all of that shit with a smile on my face? Fuck that. I'm not here as decoration. I'm not here as an object for your amusement. I'm here for me. I'm doing shit for myself. I don't care if that means you think I'm selfish, or a cold hearted bitch, or judgmental, or the office pariah. I'm going to live a fulfilling life.

Upon reflecting on this, it occurs to me-- no fucking shit. Of course I'm resilient and adaptable. I'm a fat, femme, queer woman. I live in a patriarchy. I literally have to be both resilient and adaptable to survive. I've called killjoy and obstinate and a slew of other things when I stand up for the dignity of people. When I refuse to sit back and let dominant narratives continue to enact violence on my communities and the communities of the people I love, I make my presence known. Even the act of disengaging from these conversations can be read as an act of aggression.

The world at large doesn't want me to exist. I know this. And yet here I am. I'm not a cold-hearted bitch; I'm just not putting up with your bullshit.

*Addendum: To clarify, it was a white, straight, American man who told me to, "shut [my] whore mouth." Koreans have been overwhelmingly kind and welcoming.