Snapping with Other People: A Relationship advice blogpost
By Liz LaBrash
A friend of mine recently got involved with a guy and she is trying to navigate what to do with some information she wouldn't have had access to without the use of social media. This is a pretty common occurrence among millennials. We like to study our person of interests' social media in order to learn their likes and dislikes, if they are single, their friends etc.
It is something we have all done when we meet someone new- which we lovingly refer to as "Facebook stalking". In fact a survey conducted among college students reported that 60-80% of them used Facebook to check up on their boyfriend or girlfriends page (Stern, Taylor, 2007).
So my friend was studying this guys social media and found out he had liked other girls' Instagram selfies, and was SnapChatting other girls and she is super not ok with that. She was feeling jealous because she really likes this guy, and she wants eventually go steady with him.
What happens when your find something on your love interest's social that you don't like? What does one do with information like that? How is she supposed to feel? What does she say to her significant other about it? Have no fear, the communication major is here.
According to social exchange theory we like to date people who have highly rewarding traits to contribute (Emerson, et all., 1976.). Dating is hard, finding someone worthwhile is even harder so when you find someone "shiny" you want to keep them around! So traits like intelligence and good looks are seen as rewards in this theory. We do a cost-benefit analysis of the other person's resources in order to have a positive relationship. Weighing the pros and cons about them to see if you have a good match.
More rewards include economic/financial rewards, sex, physical attractiveness, similarities, common interests, and the list goes on. In other words, whatever floats your boat about the other person is highlighted as a reward. Costs however are those negative aspects about the other person- the "cons". These are relative from person to person because we are all different and imperfect beings with faults and insecurities of our own. One of those cons might be that they will go and SnapChat other girls. On the other hand, she likes that he is going to medical school.
When one person is perceived to have or tangibly has more to offer than the other person, that is what we call a mate value discrepancy. MVD can also serve as a predictor of jealousy and forgiveness in a relationship (Sidelinger, Booth-Butterfirld, 2007). When my friend was checking on her guys social media, she was jealous because she values him, and perceives the girls on Instagram as a possible threat.
Further, MVD describes that the person in the relationship that is less shiny than the other, is more likely to get jealous. They are also more likely to forgive the shiny person for their shortcomings. So she is more likely to forgive her shiny man for doing something shady or questionable. However, the key for further action though, is communication. If someone is truly committed to the relationship, it is beneficial to emphasize openness and honesty between both parties.
First of all it is probably not a healthy habit to get into, using surveillance of your partners social media will only feed insecurities and paranoia. It is a bad strategy to maintain a relationship (Tokunaga, 2016). Talking about these insecurities and concerns with your partner will clear the air a bit. Although it is probably super uncomfortable to talk about. Talking to your shiny person about something like this though, reduces uncertainty and reinforces the strength of the relationship.
Relational uncertainty can happen at any point in a relationship, but it occurs most at the initiation and coming together phases of a relationship. In order to reduce uncertainty about each other, we self disclose. That is telling the other person about yourself, experiences, and relating to each other through communication.
Trying to seek information through social media platforms is a double edged sword. While yes, you can reduce your own uncertainty about a person by looking at their Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter etc. You can unobtrusively seek information about the other person without them knowing what you are studying them. But too much of this, beyond general information gathering purposes, can stimulate more uncertainty and is a negative maintenance strategy in an ongoing relationship. Its not a good way to maintain a relationship.
Advice: Cut it out. Stop trying to dig up dirt on your love interest- because if you are the jealous type, you are probably going to just sabotage your own relationship. Also if it bothers you that much you should probably just ask them about the thing that is making you insecure/ uncertain. Being totally honest about something you take issue with is better in the long run. And you never know, the guy might just have a lot of female friends. Note that while you don't have control over what they do, it would make you happy if they didn't snap other girls.
If exclusivity is not defined in a relationship yet and the whole thing is in transition, it would probably help if you tell them your wishes to eventually be exclusive. If they do have an unmentioned love interest, tell them you want them to yourself, straight up. Try and restore equilibrium by talking to them about what is bugging you. One of the best ways to maintain a relationship is to not be passive and actively seek information from the shiny horses mouth. Or the unicorns mouth.
Don't combat shade in your relationship with more shade. Just be direct and honest about boundaries, and you don't want the other person Snapchatting with other people. If you value your relationship with your unicorn, you have an investment. Because you see value in them you are more likely to forgive them for this and you can carry on.
References:
Booth–Butterfield, M., & Sidelinger, R. J. (2007) Mate Value Discrepancy as Predictor of Forgiveness and Jealousy in Romantic Relationships, Communication Quarterly, 55:2, 207-223
Emerson, R. (1976). Social Exchange Theory. Annual Review of Sociology, 2, 335-362. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/2946096
Stern, L. A., & Taylor, K. (2007). Social Networking on Facebook. Journal Of The Communication, Speech & Theatre Association Of North Dakota, 209-20.
Tokunaga, Robert S. (2016). Interpersonal surveillance over social network sites: Applying a theory of negative relational maintenance and the investment model. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 33(2), 171 - 190.
