rare is this love, keep it covered

fay | she/her {ao3} {writing}

[faynthearted]

if I don’t have something posted by the end of this weekend, I might actually go clinically insane

[3-aem]

not a photograph, another art study

[allboutheyaoi]

Dessert Cafe ❤️

By Old Xian

[faynthearted]

working on something that, dare I say, is diabolical

[asfodelle]

"May 31st 07:17 p.m. - Shopworn

He Tian glares at the printer’s screen. 

‘Low ink level : Please change cartridge’ it says, though every gauge is nearly full, except for magenta. He’s already looked through the drawers and only found one yellow cartridge left over. He doesn’t need colors anyway so he ignores the warning and presses the PRINT button again. The machine lets out a strident beep and repeats the warning. ‘Low ink level : Impression quality could be compromised. Do you want to proceed?’ He presses the button again and during a second of silence, he hopes that stupid machine can figure out how to print documents in grayscale using the ink from the very full black cartridge instead of begging for fucking magenta."

Chapter 9 of Little Bit of Lead is here woohoo

[3-aem]

hand studies I loved doing

[dominiqueramseyart]

Rambling rose 2022

[faynthearted]

in every long and heated argument scene I’ve ever written, I always have to pause and wonder, “how far is too far…”

[faynthearted]

controversial but now that things have ended up the way they did, it’d kinda be nice for that night to haunt guan shan a little bit. but in a good way that he may or may not be stubborn about accepting. like c’mon, I know there’s some disappointment but it’d be a little fun if in future chapters when he tian is pissing him off again and getting up in his space, handsy like always, guan shan hesitates in the middle of telling him off and then there’s just suddenly, like, a single zoomed-in panel of hands interlocked on the mattress. lips on a neck. arms around shoulders. incredibly cliché BUT more importantly, lacking identity!!!

like, sure, there definitely is a striking resemblance between the skin tones of the faceless people in those snapshot panels and he tian/guan shan’s skin tones, but you can’t prove anything. technically. theoretically. OX looking censorship straight in the eye and maybe maybe maybe getting away with it? and then cut back to guan shan’s flushed face or he tian’s knowing smile or maybe if OX really feels like running with this, guan shan’s absolute denial or acceptance of that night, no wishy-washy feelings about it. it could potentially be all or nothin’ atp because the cat’s outta the bag now — at least in my mind, idk

[faynthearted]

today has felt like a fever dream and I can’t get a good feel on everyone’s impressions of this chapter

[rainy19days]

Tomorrow's update will be a continuation of the Tantrum chapter.

I hope He Tian finally explains his disappearance.

[beneathitall-thesame]

tianshan and the push-and-pull dynamic

preemptive disclaimer that this is just how i see the more recent developments. i am always open to discuss or expand on anything :)

I don't know how to word this in a way I can fully convey my thoughts on tianshan's plotline in the future. However, for some time now, I've read people say they don't understand why OX is "recycling" the runner-chaser dynamic. How it feels like Mo Guan Shan is overreacting or being excessively cold towards He Tian upon his return. Shouldn't he more confident in their relationship after everything they've been through and all that He Tian's done for him?

The thing is that (to me) it is precisely because He Tian has been there for Mo in some of the most traumatic times of his life, showing him it is possible for him to rely in others for his own benefit and that intimacy isn't a set-up for pain and then disappearing that makes it so hard for him to trust He Tian again. It’s not so much that Mo doesn’t believe He Tian’s words or actions or that he's forgot them, as it is that those very gestures are irremediably tangled with the memory of his disappearance.

Also, neither have had a break since the end middle school.

From Mo's perspective, it's been rug pull after rug pull after thinking he's reached some sense of normalcy. Back in their teenage years, right after Mo admits to himself and He Tian he has feelings for him, he's *fine* with He Tian leaving, because in his mind there's no doubt he'll come back. That... obviously doesn't happen and Mo is left to relive the same trauma of the person you trust most "leaving you behind".

From He Tian’s perspective, the “darkness” of his family is a force he both resents and exploits, a weapon he wields when he must protect others. It is that same family’s expectations that strip him of the chance to live like an ordinary teenager — carefree with his friends, honest with the guy he loves. And it is that same shadow that feeds directly into Mo’s fear of abandonment, while also mirroring He Tian’s own. We have already seen He Tian’s genuine terror at the thought of Mo finding him repulsive, especially after he unleashed his brother’s underlings and Qiu to deal with She Li, letting that inherited darkness take control of him.

...and the utter relief at seeing Mo actually not only being not scared, but also accepting it and cherishing him.

That "darkness" is what also holds him back from being with Mo, while also being the source of wealth he builds up to give Mo what he thinks he needs (and ultimately feeding conflict, as Mo feels his autonomy is being trampled).

The point is... these two's relationship is genuinely built on them seeing each other's at their worst and accepting all these "ugly" aspects, while growing as people. But.. apart from the absolutely adorable slice-of-life moments they had before He Tian's departure, these guys just haven't had a moment to sit down and lay any foundations to their relationship outside of these high-intensity events.

And from what we’ve seen, He Tian’s tendency to leave is a recurring pattern. Granted, this occurs after the Christmas specials (Mo doesn't work at a grocers anymore) so we don't know if He Tian left for business in amicable terms or just vanished -- yet it's clear that neither have had the balls to be honest with each other. For Mo, it's because he doesn't want to risk being left again after opening up, despite caring a lot about He Tian. That and he's just stubborn and prideful af, love it or hate it, and that always ends up being a setback that hurts him, most of all, and those around him.

As for He Tian… the last chapter left us on a frustrating cliffhanger, so we’ll have to wait and see. My theory is that his involvement in this new “business” is both a blessing (it allows him to earn his own money and provide for Mo) and a curse, since it keeps him away, forces secrecy, and deepens the distance between them.

Which leads to He Tian relying on abundance and grandiosity as proof of love (material abundance used to be his only stable resource of affection, so he leans on it as shorthand for his devotion to Mo). Which in turn bypasses Mo's hangup regarding social status and pushes yet another point of frustration. Ultimately, He Tian controls the “when” and “how” of the gesture, leaving Mo little room to meet him halfway and hurts his pride (not that He Tian would ever ask him to return the favour).

Whether he’s truly autonomous from his family remains unclear. What is clear is that He Tian looks more exhausted and sullen than we’ve ever seen him and he can't keep his cool facade for much longer.

So, no. They have grown up, sure, but their relationship feels as though it’s only beginning again, because in many ways it is. At least, there is a chance for it to take a more honest path.

If He Tian, now with some awareness of the deep wound he left in Mo (a wound Mo is still too afraid to reopen), can finally be honest about his side of the story, then we might see the first real steps toward something stable.

[faynthearted]

I agree with all of this, but I just want to add another point that might be low-hanging fruit (but is still the pillar of their relationship). and that point is that this “push-pull” dynamic is just simply inherent to both of their characters. it’s a trait that is built into them, separately, regardless of one another.

and this idea can probably be summed up with a single sentence: guan shan will never automatically accept anything that seems safe or too good to be true, and he tian will never be completely satisfied with anything that he has. guan shan is too much of a skeptic/cynic and he tian is too greedy/ambitious. in a way, guan shan is the literal embodiment of “push” and he tian of “pull.” 

so, yeah, it doesn’t surprise me that nothing has really changed in the adult timeline. it's largely due to the trauma, yes, but it's also just how they are. and quite frankly, I don’t anticipate their dynamic changing much at all — ever. and maybe I’m in the minority but I don’t consider that a bad thing! in fact, I’d argue this permanent back-and-forth dynamic is necessary for their relationship’s continuity because, like I said, it’s literally integral and inherent to their independent personalities. they fill each other’s niches. they subsist on one another. 

the way I see it, generally speaking, their relationship’s growth in intimacy will manifest itself as more instances of sincere/honest moments between them as time goes on. those moments will happen, eh, 30% of the time. they'll always be there for one another when they need each other. but the other 70% of the time? they’re going to be bickering, teasing, pushing buttons, running circles, grumbling through kisses, fussing/whining before giving in. and I don’t think that’s indicative of a lack of confidence in the relationship. I think that’s just them.

but non-generally speaking, for these more recent instances of guan shan “overreacting” or being “excessively cold” toward he tian, I… still think it’s warranted, lol. it's normal. it makes complete sense to me.

and I’m not trying to be confrontational or judgmental, but I’m genuinely curious when I ask: are people actually expecting guan shan to be more receptive to he tian at this point in the adult timeline?? if so, it almost makes me want to laugh because, oh man, I’m starting to think we’ve forgotten our humble beginnings!! our ground truths!!

yes, guan shan threw a fit about wearing he tian’s jacket at work, and he got pissed about the mattress/renovation, and he turned beet red when he tian caught him out of the shower, and he’s said some blatantly false/instantly regrettable claims that he never thought about he tian/never wanted him to come back/etc. 

but also???? they willingly spend so much time together?? and he brought he tian a flower and called him handsome when he forgot to meet him after his shift? and he let he tian stay the night with him (+ allowed him a few extra minutes for cuddling in the morning)?? and he tolerated he tian pretending to fall asleep on his shoulder and sneaking a hand up his shirt on the couch??? and he apparently had very minimal objections to staying at he tian’s house during his apartment’s renovations because he just?? went with it????? he just moved his boxes into he tian’s car and said ‘oh well, I guess I have no other choice’??????? and are we forgetting all the honest-drunk moments we’ve gotten??????? all the tears and the shirt-gripping hugs?????????

I know the order of events in the adult timeline isn’t all that clear, but I still think guan shan isn’t being any colder or standoffish to he tian than he ever was before. he’s actually shown significant signs of growth and comfortability despite all the lost time, despite everything. and if that’s hard to believe, please, I encourage everyone to go back to the very beginning of the manhua and give themselves a refresher if it’s been a couple of years. we used to PRAY for times like these in 2017. but now that it’s here, we’ve seem to have lost sight of their core characters, the fundamental parts of them that won’t change despite all the great change that other parts of them have undergone due to each other’s influence

I understand that most of the confusion regarding guan shan’s “inexplicable” attitude is probably stemming from his outburst in the recent update, the “aren’t I always like this?” chapter. and yeah, it caught me a bit off guard, too. but after thinking about it for a while, even though it’s not ideal, I don’t know what else I was expecting. there’s just no way in hell that those two would opt to have a civil, mature, sit-down conversation about the things they clearly need to talk about from the get-go. guan shan is too bitter/evasive/bottled-up for that, and he tian is too selfish/presumptive/emotionally-guarded. 

(and by the way, those are, in my opinion, fundamental traits of their characters that they will never lose. they’ll make huge strides of improvements and wield self-awareness more often, but they will always struggle with those traits to some extent, and that’s what makes them them — both as a couple and as separate characters. the entire appeal to tianshan is watching them learn how to identify, consciously work against, and understand/support each other through these struggles. if they lost those traits altogether — if that’s the assumption or trajectory of their “happy ending” — it literally wouldn’t be them anymore. I would actually rebuke that ending. they are meant to be flawed characters. they are meant to be unpredictable and to make regrettable mistakes again and again in different flavors. but they are also capable of learning and growing. I want them to fail forward; I don’t want them to become something they’re not.)

so yes, in my mind, an outburst from guan shan was to be expected. and the immediate regret he has on his face afterwards is totally on-par, too. like OP said, there’s been too much hurt, betrayal, and “rug-pulling” for this conversation to have been breached any other way. and like OP also said, there was a lot of strange ambiguity in certain parts of their relationship that was never completely resolved before he tian left in middle school, too.

so this reaction from guan shan, and all his awkwardness/reactivity to he tian’s advances so far, doesn’t feel foreign to me. it just feels like him. his moodiness is something that always has been and always will be. he's not a romantic like he tian is. and he is an over-reactor — potentially because, in a counterintuitive way, it actually helps defuse the tension in some situations. but once they get over this huge roadblock of a conversation (depending on how it goes…), I think we’ll start to see more of the “confident” guan shan many of the official illustrations depict, and I think that’ll mostly be due to the inner peace that’ll come out of forgiving he tian’s absence and choosing to move forward with him again.

but tbh, I don’t think that’s how he’ll be ALL the time. I think guan shan will always turn a bit red whenever he tian insists on complimenting him and he’ll always turn a bit grumpy when he tian gets too handsy/demanding, especially in public. guan shan will always push, and he tian will always pull, and that’s how they will keep their balance. that's how they'll keep each other happy. that’s how they’ll subsist!!

[hannahlockillustration]

Patreon postcard for this month! Join here.

[lesly-oh]

🖤🩷

[taylornprice]

a gift for my sister in law!

[faynthearted]

sleep talking by indigo de souza is heavily he tian coded

when I get home, I’m gonna love you so well

please get me out, out of the depths of hell

when I get home, I’m gonna sell you my soul

when I get home, when I get home, when I get home

I’ll break your bones with all the love I carry

keep you close and one day we’ll get married

[gayshi]

Passion 🫦