β‘.ββ° β stupid jerk.
LUCA: i didn't 'go off' with someone else. that guy was a mistake but it meant nothing, less than nothing. i know that sounds cliche but it's the truth. there was never anyone else but u in any way that counted. there's no excuse for what i did but it was always about me, never even came close to being because u weren't good enough. i was being selfish, and stupid... and as awful as it sounds, it had EVERYTHING to do with me being in love with u. i mean... u were always so nice to me? even after we started dating. it was weird. i went a little crazy, i guess, thinking that u didn't want me anymore. i kept thinking, he's too nice to tell u. that's why everything is so awkward now, because he doesn't want u but he can't figure out how to say it.
LUCA: and i just... went to a party one night and got really really stupidly drunk and took some guy who did want me back to my dorm. i can't even remember his name. he told me it like it was funny i didn't know before he kissed me goodbye the day after and all i can remember is seeing u standing there when he walked away?
LUCA: god... u can be angry with me. whether i sit there and take all the little comments or not, ur allowed to be pissed off. i would doubt me if i were u too. but if i'd known u were feeling like this all this time i would've said something sooner. i know u think i'm this horrible person now but i've never wanted u hurting. or anyone. especially you. and i guess i just figured... u were gonna just stay pissed at me forever, i'd already been removed from ur life, there was no point in groveling when i didn't really even want u to forgive me. but that means i never tried to explain it? and if u really have been thinking about it this long, then i'm sorry.
LUCA: i haven't said that to u in a long time. i'll say it until you believe i really am
LUCA: and i'll keep telling you i really loved you and none of it was your fault until you believe that, too, if u want
LUCA: ur right that i don't deserve to have u care about me. i kind of think it's weird if u do. not in a bad way, i'm just... i don't know how to process it. i don't get why either. i don't really believe u don't hate me lol, even if u still care about me too. but that's fine... obviously i never stopped caring about you even when it hurt, but i'm the one who messed it up. it seemed fair that i would keep on thinking about u even once u were out of my life. i mean... u were my best friend. u meant everything to me
LUCA: and i would never have left u. i don't know where u got that impression from. i didn't even mean to give up, or whatever. like, even when i was waiting for u to end it over a fucking text message or something i never thought that maybe i should end it first. i don't know what to say anymore... i don't understand why it even got bad in the first place if u really weren't gearing up to break up with me, but maybe that's another story. idk. i didn't know what i'd done wrong. and i was scared to ask and hear that it was just me not being enough, ha. so maybe i gave up by never asking
ALEX: god. i don't even know what to say. 'i cheated on you bc i was in love with you' sounds like the biggest fucking copout ever, but at the same time i kind of understand. bc i was feeling the same way. i always kind of thought u were just waiting on the right opportunity to leave me bc why would u wanna be with me when u could have someone better? idk. but i hate that u thought that way. i wish you would've just told me. actually, i wish we both would've communicated better. but i guess it's too late for wishing now lmao
ALEX: jfc don't you think i deserved the explanation though? i mean, i might not have listened right away, but you could have at least tried. if you really loved me, the fact that u gave up so easily and just accepted it....... god. and just bc you didn't want me to forgive u or whatever doesn't mean that i didn't deserve an explanation. that was so fucking selfish of u. i mean maybe i should have asked for more of an explanation too instead of drawing my own conclusions but still.
ALEX: ur not as easy to get over as u think you are, luca. i thought you were the love of my life. i feel like some part of me will always grieve the loss of that
ALEX: i don't really know what i believe right now. i think i'm still processing. aka why i'm saying more than i probably should, even if it's all true. i appreciate that though, if you're really being genuine
ALEX: luca. lol have you met me? i'll always care about you. some part of me anyways. i don't know how to stop caring. i really genuinely thought u were the love of my life, and even before that, you were my best friend. i'll always fucking care. which is exactly why i can't hate you, bc i DO care about u. yeah i hate some of the shit that you do, and i fucking hate that you hurt me so badly. but i don't hate YOU as a person. as much as i love to demonize you and make u into the bad guy who broke my heart, i don't really think you're a horrible person. i think it's horrible what u did to me, but i know who you are. you're not a bad person. and knowing all of that pisses me off even more, and only leads to me trying to demonize you more bc i don't WANT to sympathize with you, i don't want to be understanding or see you as a good person when i'm hurting, bc it only hurts that much worse. bc i never felt like i deserved u and i resent u for doing exactly what i was so afraid of
ALEX: u did give up. but it wasn't all your fault. it was both of ours, for not communicating. well, that part anyways... you cheating on me is still 100% your fault, but a relationship goes both ways. we both fucked up, & even though i came to u to try to make it work, i guess i came too late lol. anyways idek what to do with any of this. it's nice to feel like we're headed towards closure (if you're being genuine) but it's just. a big pill to swallow. idk. it's a lot