‘ plan a was marrying you a long, long time ago. pretty much the day i met you. ’
‘ you have no idea what your friendship means to me. ’
‘ would i rather be feared or loved? easy. both. i want people to be afraid of how much they love me. ’
‘ when you’re a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. my kids are gonna be right about that. ’
‘ not ‘enough’ for me? you are… everything. ’
‘ now that i have your attention… MONEY! ’
‘ what is a two-way petting zoo? ’
‘ welcome to hotel hell. check-in time is now, checkout time is never. ’
‘ i shouldn’t have to ask you to do stuff like beat him up for me. you should just do it. ’
‘ i feel god in this chili’s tonight. ’
‘ don’t fall in love with me, kid. ’
‘ what exactly is my responsibility here? to comfort insecure heterosexual men? that can’t possibly fall on me. ’
‘ who is justice beaver? ’
‘ so i received my first valentine from a secret admirer. roses are red, violets are blue… it’s time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup too… ’
‘ that’s what she said! ’
‘ i’m running away from my responsibilities. and it feels so good. ’
‘ doesn’t matter because i’m going to take a nap. ’
‘ i’m an adult. i don’t have to think or do anything! ’
‘ i’m dead inside. ’
‘ i’m such a stupid idiot. nobody likes me. ’
‘ i understand… nothing. ’
‘ no, god, please, no. no! no! noooo! ’
‘ i’m not superstitious, but i am a little stitious. ’
‘ no, i’m not gonna cry over it. i did that in the car on the way over here. ’
‘ yeah, i have a lot of questions. number one: how dare you? ’
‘ if you break that girls heart, i will kill you. it’s just a figure of speech… but seriously, if you break that girls heart, i will literally kill you and your entire family. ’
‘ occasionally i’ll hit someone with my car. so sue me. ’
‘ i think even then i knew i was waiting for my wife. ’
‘ there’s too many people on this earth. we need a new plague. ’
‘ just pretend like we’re talking until the cops leave. ’
‘ don’t. don’t you dare. ’
‘ you ignorant slut! ’
‘ i really should have a tweeter account. ’
‘ i am beyoncé. always. ’
‘ sometimes i’ll start a sentence and i don’t even know where it’s going. i just hope i find it along the way. ’
‘ identity theft is not a joke! millions of families suffer every year! ’
‘ well, well, well, how the turntables… ’
‘ blink once if you want me to pull the plug. ’
‘ you’re paying way too much for your worms, man. who’s your worm guy? ’
‘ you don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis. ’
‘ well, happy birthday, jesus. sorry your party’s so lame. ’
‘ you wanna hear a lie? i… think you’re great. you’re my best friend. ’
‘ webster’s dictionary defines wedding as: the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. ’
‘ st. patricks day is the closest thing the irish have to christmas. ’
‘ and i knew exactly what to do. but in a much more real sense, i had no idea what to do. ’
‘ where are the turtles?! ’
‘ i have cause. it’s be-cause i hate him. ’
‘ i’m an early bird and i’m a night owl. so i’m wise and i have worms. ’
‘ you know what they say, ‘fool me twice, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three.’ ’
‘ i don’t talk trash, i talk smack. they’re totally different. ’
‘ i’m hot, you’re hot. let’s get poppin’. ’
‘ do you think that doing alcohol is cool? ’
‘ i have very little patience for stupidity. ’
‘ hate to see you leave, but love to watch you go. cause of your butt. ’
‘ sometimes i feel like everyone i work with is an idiot. and by sometimes, i mean all times. all the time. every of the time. ’
‘ i love catching people in the act. that’s why i always whip open doors. ’
‘ presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. it’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘hey man, i love you this man dollars-worth.’ ’
‘ wow, it’s a little early for ice cream, don’t you think? ’
‘ well, just tell him to call me as asap as possible. ’
‘ there’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. that’s why it’s called a joke. ’
‘ i wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. ’
‘ all i know is that every time i’ve been faced with a tough decision, there’s only one thing that outweighs every other concern. one thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew. every instinct, every rational decision… love. ’
‘ no matter what happens, you’ve got to forget about all the other stuff. you’ve got to forget about logic and fear and doubt. you’ve just gotta do everything you can to get to the one person who is going to make all this worth it. at the end of the day, you gotta jump. ’
‘ i talk a lot, so i’ve learned to just tune myself out. ’
‘ are you trying to hurt my feelings? because if so, you are succeeding. fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal person. ’
‘ it’s britney, bitch. ’
‘ i didn’t say it, i declared it. ’
‘ i know a few things about love. horrible, terrible, awful… awful things. ’
‘ society doesn’t care. society sucks. i don’t even consider myself a part of society. ’
‘ i don’t care what they say about me. i just want to eat. ’
‘ well, i just think we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us. ’
‘ i’m boring myself just talking about this. ’
‘ i don’t care what he says, this is not the real ben franklin. ’
‘ he put my stuff in jell-o again. ’
‘ i just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. that’s all i’ve ever wanted. ’
‘ if you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. ’
‘ sorry i annoyed you with my friendship. ’
‘ why are you the way that you are? ’
‘ the doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, i’m going to die… i’m going to die. ’
‘ i am single now. what we have here is the ultimate smackdown between me and the crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. ’
‘ whenever i’m about to do something, i think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, i do not do that thing. ’
‘ i should have burned the place down when i had the chance. ’
‘ come on, guys. early worm gets the worm. ’
‘ oh my god! okay, it’s happening! everybody stay calm! everybody stay calm! stay fucking calm! ’
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