𝔴𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔯𝔲𝔫 𝔞𝔴𝔞𝔶

kieran walsh | twenty-two

[fcrvcnt]

                                            𝐤𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐡                                  via instagram ft. sailor wilson on her 22nd birthday, 7th september                                                                                       @ofsailcrs​

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

it wasn’t until sailor began to watch kieran’s features physically soften in front of her — until she heard the sound of his breathing even out in his throat, until she saw the tension in his shoulders lessen, until she was able to tell that the warmth had returned to his gaze — that she TRULY began to feel at ease. she still sort of felt like she was on a tightrope, one misstep from being sent hurtling back to square one and risking him pulling away from her all over again. she knew that trying to coax someone out of something they built up in their own mind like this wasn’t EASY — if it was, she would have been able to pull HERSELF back onto her own feet far sooner than she had — but being there, being in his shoes, meant that she understood far better than almost anyone else what he NEEDED. she could handle providing him with constant reassurance, if he needed it. she could handle being patient and waiting, if he needed it. whatever it was that he needed — now, later, EVER — she would give it to him the best that she could. that was what was important right now, that he knew that and believed that. the rest would be a process, but she wasn’t in a rush. 

his words, his careful promise that SHE HAD HIM, made her own breathing come easier. he had said it to her before, in multiple variations, but the reminder that she was still his person was what SHE needed to hear right then, too. “good,” she murmured, one of her hands shifting to cover his, the best she could, holding him in place where he was cradling her cheek. it was a silent affirmation of I’M YOURS, a reassurance that, as he held onto her physically, he held onto her heart just as much. “the idiotic parts are my favorite,” she added, a hint of a smile curling over her features, her light-hearted words laced with the silent promise of I’LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.

that was EXACTLY what kieran was — a package with an advisory label that read HANDLE WITH CARE. and she would, even if other people in his life had been quick to dismiss the warning and to toss him around haphazardly. sailor wouldn’t. she COULDN’T. not when kieran was something so precious to her, so important. she was bound and determined to be everything gentle that he had been so cruelly cheated out of in this lifetime. maybe it wasn’t in her nature — at least, the part of it that was visible to herself each time she caught a glimpse of her own reflection — but for him, she would LEARN.

when kieran spoke up again, a question on his lips that sailor wasn’t anticipating having to hear at that moment, her breath caught in her throat. her immediate instinct was to backtrack. if there was ever a time to tell him that she loved him, it certainly WASN’T right now. not when he’d nearly just ended things with her, not when he’d just explicitly admitted that he DIDN’T love her, at least not yet. and, well, it hadn’t even been exactly what she was trying to say. it had been implied, maybe — but, really, who was she kidding? it was MORE than just implied, but she HADN’T expected him to do anything more than file the insinuation away for later, when he was ready to figure all of that out.

“i…” she began, gaze dipping momentarily as she tried to figure out what she was supposed to say. the last thing she wanted was to push him away now, when she’d just barely managed to hang onto him tight enough to make him stay. it wasn’t a matter of whether or not she loved him — because OF COURSE she did — no. it was a matter of her own nerves rising up in her chest, trying to assure that she didn’t say the wrong thing. “yeah, i do. of course i do, kieran, i…” her words were scarcely louder than a whisper, as though she had to be fragile and quiet to keep from scaring him away with the weight of what she was saying. maybe it was too much, maybe it was too soon, but she wasn’t going to LIE to him. “in so many ways. you’re my FRIEND, and you’re someone that i trust more than anyone in the world, and… and you’re YOU. of course i love you.” and then, amended quickly onto the end to be sure that it wasn’t TOO MUCH, “and you don’t — i don’t expect you to say anything right now. i don’t need you to. you’re still figuring it out and that’s OKAY. that’s more than okay. you can take all the time you need, i’m not in a rush and i’m not going anywhere. and even if you end up… not knowing how you feel… that’s okay, too.”

the dryness of his mouth was instantaneous as her eyes diverted away from him. any moment of happiness that small hint of a smile that transformed sailor’s features vanishing just as quickly as it had come. had he read the whole thing completely wrong ? had he interpreted her words and found meaning within them that she'd not meant ?  maybe she’d simply meant that she could see herself loving him in the FUTURE. just like how he’d mentioned her being the only person he wanted to figure out what it truly meant and looked like to love someone. she CARED about him, that much was apparent, he hadn’t gotten that wrong and not even the cruel thoughts that tried to get him to second guess EVERYTHING could make him believe she didn't. but she didn’t LOVE him—not yet at least. it was senseless to even allow the words to linger within his thoughts let alone speak them out loud and force her into a situation she wasn’t ready to face. she'd said herself, the only person ( to his knowledge ) that she’d loved had ruined her. loving someone else may be about the LAST thing she’d want to open herself up to.

he wavered, his secure hold against either side of her cheeks slackening, before his lips parted. fully meaning to backtrack on his question. to tell her that it didn’t matter, that she didn’t need to say another word, that knowing she cared about him and that she wanted him GOOD OR BAD was more than enough. but before he could uttered a single word, she was speaking once more. dissolving every thought that had appeared only seconds ago.

tonight had been a whirlwind to say the LEAST. one moment he’d been trying to BREAK UP with her, thinking that it was BEST for her, and the next ? the next he’d closed the distance between them ONCE AND FOR ALL and was hearing sailor saying the words ‘ of course i love you, ’ as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. it would be hard for anyone to wrap their head around, enough to drain every ounce of energy they had and maybe once they moved from this spot, kieran would feel the overwhelming exhaustion of the past few weeks hit him all at once but for the moment, every inch of him felt ALIVE.

sailor wilson LOVED him.

it was impossible to keep the corners of his lips from curving into a soft smile as he studied every inch of her features, a single hand shifting to allow his fingers to graze tenderly against her skin as they trailed down against the curve of her neck. there was PLENTY that he still had to figure out. there was PLENTY of things he still wasn’t sure of. but how he FELT about her was not one of them, not anymore. maybe if they’d been at the beginning, maybe if he was still hurt over the years spent in the unknown about what had happened between them, things would have been different—but they weren’t. they were here, they knew they were together, where they stood, and most importantly they both knew exactly what they wanted—each other.

“ i might have a lot to still figure out. i might not know what the hell i’m doing but—” he shifted a single half step closer to her, his focus intently unwavering against hers as his head gave a minute shake, “ as much as i appreciate you saying that it’s okay if i don't feel the same way just yet, that you’re not going anywhere. i don’t need it. i don’t need time to figure how i feel about YOU. my feelings for you are the only thing that i know for CERTAIN. ” the smile upon his lips may have slowly faded, but the way it caused his eyes to soften and brighten never did. SHE LOVES YOU. YOU LOVE HER. it was the only thing that mattered right now. it wasn't the first time he'd wanted to say the same words tonight, but it was the first time he’d had the nerve to be able to form the words. “ it still might terrify me, knowing how DESTRUCTIVE love can be and not knowing what the hell is going to happen or where we’ll end up, or even what it—loving someone—really entails when it comes down to it. but i know, in the simplest form, that I LOVE YOU, sailor. i’ve loved you since you were eighteen. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAWYER.

her green eyes shifted from the board to the ticking clock multiple times as she began to get impatient. most of the time she was the last one to pack up and to leave the class, but it was a special day and she just couldn’t wait to get out of class. her legs were crossed under the desk in the front row, and she leaned back letting her blond hair flow over the seat, a bit falling on top of the desk behind her. when she began to hear zips of backpacks, sawyer couldn’t help but to pack up as well. the teacher gave her a stern look, but sawyer continued to pack up giving her teacher an apologetic smile. just as she zipped her backpack, the last bell of the day rang which led to a swarm of high schoolers exiting the room and out into the parking lot. sawyer put her tote over her shoulder while making her way into the hallway. her eyes searched for kieran over the crowd of students. 

it wasn’t a surprise when she spotted a tall head of messy hair facing the vending machine. sawyer quickly made her way to the side of her, bumping him with his shoulder. ‘ hey, birthday boy. ’, sawyer smiled at him. her focus then went to the vending machine in front of her. ‘ not to ruin the surprise or anything, but there’s food involved. i don’t think you need to get a snack from this thing. ’, she stated, giving him a small judgmental look. ‘ you didn’t bring your car right? ’, sawyer asked while pulling the keys to her brand new audi. ‘ because guess who can drive now! ’, she exclaimed.

usually it was a day that most waited on the edge of their seats for. the day that meant they could pull almost anything under the guise of it being their birthday and others could only roll their eyes before giving in. but when it came down to it, kieran walsh would much rather forget that the whole day existed. the two birthday cards in the morning from his mother ( his father’s name scribbled in her hand-writing ) and his sister were more than enough celebration for him, anything else felt excessive. but it had been impossible to escape all day, thanks to the ‘ happy birthday’s ’ that seemed to follow him around all day from students and teachers a like and he knew the moment the bell rang at the end of the day it was only a matter of time before a certain blonde came to find him and ignored every protest of not wanting to do ANYTHING. his protests were just as much as a tradition as her making his birthday somewhat of a decent day.

and just like clock work, sawyer wilson appeared at his side with a wide smile pulling across her lips, a smile that caused on of his own to ghost the corners of his lips as his head shook lightly, ‘ hey yourself. ’ though it wasn’t long before it vanished. his features turning defiant as his eyes turned to focus upon her as his finger entered the combination into the keypad to allow the packet of chips to drop for their place. ‘ and what if i just want to take my chips and go eat them in peace at home ? ’ not that he’d ever really skip out on whatever it was sawyer had pulled together this year for him. ‘ i did say i didn’t want to do anything after all. ’ eyes flickered down to the keys dangling from her fingers, his brows raising slightly, ‘ and the idea of you driving me anywhere hardly fills me with any confidence what so ever. unless your present for me this year is a free trip to the emergency room. ’

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

for a few minutes — a few terrible, nerve-wracking, heart-shattering minutes — sailor thought that it WASN’T ENOUGH. she knew that kieran could get into his own head, she knew because she did, too, and she KNEW how hard it was to be pulled out of something like that. especially when he had spent so long, alone, forcing himself to believe that all those terrible things were TRUE. it was more than just the time since they had returned from their road trip and distance had been forced between him, allowing him to be suffocated by his own doubts. it was the years that she had spent away, the years that she had allowed him to think that she was out finding something better, something more than him, when EVERYTHING she needed was still back in provincetown, with him. it wasn’t something she could change now, she knew that, but it wouldn’t stop her from dwelling on it — how different things would be, they would be, HE would be, if she had stayed in the first place.

maybe there was nothing she could do to reverse that, no matter how unintentional the damage she had inflicted upon him had been. she could try, and she WOULD try — there was, quite literally, NOTHING that sailor wilson wouldn’t do to prove to kieran walsh that he deserved happiness as much ( if not more ) than anyone else in the world. but, still, there was nothing she could do to make him listen if he didn’t want to. there was nothing she could do to make him stay with her if that wasn’t what he wanted.

the mere thought of having to leave kieran’s apartment right then, heart shattered into tiny fucking pieces in her chest, was almost TOO MUCH for her to think about. she’d rather stand here all night, trying and trying and TRYING AGAIN to string her words into sentences that resonated within him, that made him see just how important he was to her and how desperately she didn’t want to let him go, then walk out the door now. if he could look her in the eyes and TELL HER that he didn’t want to be with her… well, maybe that would be one thing. but he WASN’T. he was telling her that she was everything he wanted, that he was happier with her than he’d ever been, and she REFUSED to let go of that — for his sake AND for her own. 

but, then, all at once, all of those doubts and fears and worries died in her throat when kieran moved in towards her again, taking her face between his hands — and she could BREATHE again. the air left her in one quiet, shaking breath as her hands instinctively lifted to hold onto his wrists, trying to anchor the both of them into this spot. she didn’t want to know what it was bound to mean if he pulled away from her again, now. “it’s okay. it’s OKAY, kieran,” she murmured gentle assurances, slowly dragging the pads of her thumbs in what were meant to be calming circles against the skin of his wrists. slowly, she drew one of his hands away from her cheek, only enough to press her lips FEATHER-LIGHT against the center of his palm, gaze unwavering upon his own as she did. “i don’t want easy. i want YOU. i want US, even if it’s messy and complicated and hard, because nothing is worth it if it isn’t you,” she promised, fingers holding onto him a bit more firmly as she spoke, as though she was afraid that the words wouldn’t hear her if she wasn’t holding onto him. “you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to have someone who will be there for you through EVERYTHING, and you deserve to be loved — and if you want me, if you LET me, then i will. i DO. and i need you to know that, but i’ll always be right here to remind you.”

no matter the reassurances she offered him, no matter how many times she said it was okay, kieran COULDN'T wipe the guilt that had filled him as soon as he’d realised just what his actions had caused her away completely. he COULDN’T let it go just like that, even if he hadn’t meant to hurt her, he still had and that wasn’t something he could live with. but that didn’t mean that her words, or the soothing motion of the pad of her thumb grazing against his skin, didn’t help soften it. the guilt may linger for a little while longer, but she helped make it easier to handle, easier to live with. it was subtle, but his head nodded in reply. a silent indication that he’d HEARD her—that he hadn’t simply allowed the reassurances to wash over him.  hough he was sure that she would be able to know that simply by the way the sharp DESPAIRING edges upon his features began to soften. he was no open book, but sailor seemed to have a way of being able to read him in ways no one else could.

his breath had begun to even out as she brought his palm to her lips, a sense of CALMNESS slowly replacing the agitation that had filled every inch of him since they’d returned home. he may have doubted a lot over the past couple of weeks, but this was one thing he’d never doubted. he'd never doubted the way she made him feel. he’d never doubted HER. there may have been a while when she’d grown a little hazy, as if he’d been looking at her through a dusty window, when she’d left provincetown but she’d been clear within his mind since the moment he’d finally told her how he’d felt. things may change but his feelings for her would NEVER falter. that much he knew for certain.

“ and you have me—you’ve had me for quite some time and you will for a LONG time to come because you, sailor wilson, are the only girl—the only person—that will ever have my heart. not just a piece of it, ALL of it. every complicated, idiotic, messy, damaged piece of it. ” the growing pressure of her hold upon him quietened anymore words that may have followed, pulling his attention solely upon her unwavering gaze and the way her lips formed the words that fell from them. he didn't much think about the things he deserved. he’d never really believed that he deserved all that much if he was completely honest, but maybe with some work—he could start to believe that he did deserve everything sailor believed he did.

there was however something slipped within her words that caused the pace of his heart to quicken in a way that had nothing to do with the previous disquiet that had caused havoc upon the rhythm of his heart. maybe if he hadn't been focused so intently on her words, he would have missed it. it had only been two simple words after all, but there was NOTHING simple about them—I DO. a crease formed between his brows, she loved him ? his eyes flickered over hers as he attempted to piece together whether or not she’d truly meant it in that way. but no matter how hard he tried to work it, no matter what way he looked at it, he couldn’t come up with any other answer. SHE LOVED HIM. his voice came out as a small wisp of disbelief, 

“ you love me ? ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

sailor’s motions froze suddenly the moment that kieran dodged her touch. she quickly drew her hand back in towards her chest, fingers curling into tight fists to try and subdue the trembling that she felt overtake them. and then… then his touch was gone entirely and the sight of kieran trying to pull himself away from her made her feel COLD. a dull ache began to radiate outwards from the center of her palm when kieran yanked away from his contact. she was too close, she was too much, she was making things worse — always making things WORSE.

his words — I CAN’T, I CAN’T, I CAN’T — made panic bubble high in sailor’s chest, kieran making it clear that he was an immovable force hurtling quickly in the direction of her worst nightmares and she had no idea how to get him to change his course. the place where his hand had met hers, however fleetingly, felt so painfully empty now. was that the last time that she would ever hold his hand? was this the closest that they’d ever be again? maybe this was the last time that she’d ever be inside of his apartment again — she didn’t think she was strong enough to walk away from this and pretend like she could ever JUST be his friend again, pretend like it didn’t cut her into tiny pieces to just see him. she didn’t even know how she was supposed to go about living in the same town as him after all this had ended. would she cry in the parking lot every time she bumped into him at the supermarket? would he, some day, move on with someone new while she was left thinking about the kiss they shared that she didn’t know would be their last?

she shook her head, abruptly, as though it would rid the thoughts from her mind. it didn’t, nor did it do anything to stop the silent, hot tears that had begun to prick at the inner corner of her eyes. “kieran, please. you’re the most important person in the world to me, i…” she lost her words to the way she tried to reach forwards for him again, having to quickly pull her arms back in to hang by her sides, again. all she wanted was to push into his chest, bury her nose against the pulse point of his neck, kiss him over and over and over until he could see things more clearly. but she couldn’t do that. not right now. “you ARE, kieran. you’re EVERYTHING — that i want, that i need, i PROMISE.” 

“then STAY,” she pleaded, quietly, desperately. “STAY WITH ME, please. it isn’t just a dream, it’s NOT. it’s real, what we have is real, and it’s ours, and it’s the only thing that i want. and maybe we’re both still learning how to be soft and gentle and loved but… but i’m not afraid of you, kieran. i’m not afraid of anything when i’m with you. i don’t have nightmares when i’m with you. i can leave the house without feeling like i can’t breathe. you make me feel like i can put the pieces of myself back together — you make me WANT to — and you make me feel like i have things to look forward to.” she was hardly sure if her words made any sense, falling from her lips at a desperate pace, as though she needed to say everything as quickly as she could, as though he would stop listening or make her leave if she were to fall silent. stringing words together, forming beautiful and eloquent sentences to explain how she was feeling, was NEVER her strong-suit, but that wouldn’t stop her from TRYING.

his next words stung a little. to hear him say that there was someone who would love her, as though he DIDN’T, made her stomach twist. and maybe he didn’t, that wasn’t his fault. but she couldn’t let him go on thinking he was incapable of it. “that’s not true. that’s NOT the only kind of love that you know, kieran walsh. you know your mother and your sister, they love you so fucking much, you KNOW that,” she tried her best to reason, though her voice was shaking. “and if that’s the standard — well, then what am i? neither of my parents ever really cared about me, not really. and the only person who ever told me that he loved me said it with a knife pressed against my throat and he RUINED me. i had to learn what love was from people who never loved me, not really, but that’s not ME, just like it’s not YOU.”

“you’re whole, you ARE. and even if you feel like you AREN’T, sometimes, that’s okay. i feel that way, too, but you — you make me feel like i AM. let me make you feel like you are, too. i KNOW you, i know who you are. i know all the soft and all the light things inside of you, i see them all the time, even when you can’t.” she shook her head again, more forcefully, when he insisted that she had to let him go. the tears that had been held at bay in her eyes now managed to sneak past her, a few of them slipping their way down her cheeks. “no. you’re NOT sinking, and i’m NOT going anywhere. i don’t — i don’t have a future anywhere, not right now, and i don’t WANT one that doesn’t involve you. i dropped out of school, kieran. i — i should have told you before, and i’m SO sorry, but i didn’t… i didn’t know how, and i was embarrassed, but if you think that’s part of a reason as to why you’re holding me back then… it’s NOT. i don’t know what i’m doing, not with anything. i don’t know what’s going to come next. the only thing i know is that i want you — i NEED you — there, with me. without you, nothing makes sense.”

she was breaking apart EVERY piece of his logic. he knew that she’d try everything to try to get him to change his mind. to backtrack on his decision. but her words, her rebuttal, hit him harder than he thought they possibly could. it had been the FIRST time someone had CHALLENGED the way he thought. the first time someone had made him really think about everything he thought and believed.

he’d never known the FULL extent of his effect upon sailor, how exactly he’d helped her, he could have guessed some of it by the way he’d witness her blossom from that day on the beach so many weeks ago at the beginning of summer, by the way she sought him out when the voices in her head became a little to much and by the way she softened underneath his touch. but he’d never known everything. he’d never heard it spoken aloud. all he’d ever done was be there for her, something that had always been effortless—and maybe that’s all it really took to be with someone. maybe that’s all love really was. maybe he had a far better understanding of it than he ever thought he knew.

it all rendered him speechless, his eyes studying every inch of her features. features that he saw as an image of everything GOOD. his logic was twisted. he knew that. he could so easily apply everything to himself, he could call himself broken and believe he was beyond help, but when it came to HER—someone that had endured similar violence, someone that believed similar things he believed about herself—he couldn’t even begin to comprehend applying those same things to her. he’d do EVERYTHING in his power to make her believe the opposite of what her mind wanted her to believe. so why couldn’t he apply that to himself ? why couldn’t he allow himself the same kindness he gave others—that he gave her ? the tension within his shoulders slackened ever so slightly as his lips parted in an attempt to force some sort of response to stop her from continuing. to stop himself from starting to rethink that maybe he HAD got it all wrong— that he could be exactly what she. NO, that he was exactly what she needed. but nothing left his lips expected a shaky breath.

he couldn’t lie to her though. he couldn’t act as if he truly wanted to leave her, to end the one good SOLID thing in his life, not any more. his resolution was DISSOLVING with every passing second. his strength to keep her at a distance faltering as he watched blue eyes filling with tears. an image that made his eyes divert away, his hand coming up to rub roughly against the edge of his jaw, a desperate attempt to shift the attention from the faint sting within his own eyes.

the notion of sailor wanting to be there for him, wanting to help him, was unfamiliar to him. people didn’t help him—HE helped people, it had been that way for as long as he could remember. he’d been the one to make sure his mother didn’t fade away. he’d been the one to shield his sister from the worst of the storm that had taken over their lives. he’d been the one to keep their family from falling apart completely. he’d always been the one. he’d NEVER had anyone to lean on, to reach out to when the weight upon his shoulders grew too much to handle. he’d never had someone to HELP him. it had only ever been him and after 10 years of only having himself, he couldn’t wrap his head around sailor wanting to be there for him, let alone want to help him. but the thing was, it didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. to finally let someone to be there for him. to finally let himself be vulnerable. not if that someone was sailor. the girl that saw him. the girl that seemed to understood every little thing about him. the girl that he LOVED and if her last words were anything to go by, the girl that NEEDED him now more than ever.

the reveal of her dropping out of school was a shock to say the least, it caused a crease to form between his brows, but it wasn’t what was important now. there’d be time to touch upon that later. THEY were what was important. SHE was what was important and seeing tears tainting her cheeks caused any lingering thoughts that breaking up with her was the right thing to do to vanish.

she NEEDED him. HE needed her.

they COULD figure out everything together and even if they couldn’t—they deserved to try.

finally he moved towards her, his hands rising to settle against her jaw as his thumb grazed softly against the wetness left behind by falling tears. “ you do—you do have a future. ” his voice was as unstable as he felt, “ i’m sorry—-i’m sorry for pulling away. i’m sorry for making you doubt yourself. i’m sorry for making you doubt my feelings for you. i’m sorry for deciding yet again what’s best for you without even talking to you. i’m sorry for hurting you, that was the last thing i ever wanted—-i’m sorry for everything. i thought letting you go was for the best, i thought you were better off without me, but—i know—i see NOW that, that was all wrong. i had EVERYTHING wrong. and—-i can’t promise anything. i can’t promise you that things will always be easy because i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know how to be with someone COMPLETELY. i’ve never—i’ve never let anyone in far enough to see THIS part of me and it’s not easy—i’m not use to letting someone be there for me, i’m so use to being the STRONG one—i can’t promise you that i won’t ever have any doubts that i deserve to be with you—that i’m what you need. but i—-i can promise you that i’ll try. i’ll try because—” his words faltered as his head shook heavily, a reaction to the immediate thought that told him to be quiet. “—you’re the only person i want to try and figure out what LOVE really looks like. what it’s MEANT to be because you’re right, about us—-we’re not just a dream. not really. we can figure all of this out, TOGETHER. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

sailor’s gaze remained fixed downwards, watching her hands intently. very second that passed with silence still hanging over them only made her anxieties grow larger and larger. she had thought that coming here, saying something to try and mend whatever had become so clearly fractured between them would be a good idea, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. maybe there was NOTHING she could do or say now to make him change his mind. maybe he finally saw her the way that she saw herself, and realized that she WASN’T the kind of girl that ended up in long, happy relationships with someone as sweet and as caring as kieran. and, if that was the case, then coming had most certainly been a mistake — because she was a COWARD and she didn’t think that she could, truly, stand by and be forced to hear kieran voice the words she was so terrified of hearing in that moment. 

it wasn’t until he moved closer, to press of his hand against her elbow growing noticeably firmer, that she lifted her gaze back to him once more. and then he was speaking again — his voice laced with an emotion that sailor couldn’t quite place, but still made her heart ache nonetheless — telling her that she HADN’T done anything wrong, after all. “i… i don’t understand. what — ” she began, though her words died on her tongue the moment that kieran’s hand shifted and came to rest against the skin of her neck. 

the effect of his touch on her was instantaneous. her shoulders fell, more lax than rigid. her hands slowed their anxious movements to an eventual stop. the rapid pace of her heart settled into something a bit more comfortable. everything about kieran, even NOW, felt so safe and so much life HOME. the only problem was, if this conversation was bound to continue on in the direction that sailor feared it was headed, that kieran didn’t feel the same. he didn’t want to be with her. this was a break up speech — IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME — and the thought of what was about to happen made sailor’s bones ache. 

for the first time after years of torment, of pain, of manipulation, she thought that she had finally found herself in a place where she was safe, and cared for, and LOVED. she thought that, maybe, all of the choppy waters along the way had led her to come ashore here for a reason, but now it felt like she was still stuck in the middle of the sea somewhere, floundering. this wasn’t what she wanted, but… but if this was what HE wanted — to no longer be with her — then she wouldn’t hang around. if it was what would make him happy, she’d carefully make her way out of his life, as if she’d never been there in the first place.

only, his next words made her falter in her certainty. she was all he ever wanted? she was MORE than he ever wanted? her brows furrowed together, confusion woven throughout her features as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. and then, there it was — talking about what she DESERVED — and suddenly things began to make more sense. it was just like what he had said to her on the fourth of july, the reason why he’d never acted on the way he felt about her in the first place. sailor was no stranger to being swallowed whole by your insecurities, not by a long shot. and if THAT was all this was… “kieran, stop. PLEASE. don’t do this.” sailor hesitantly reached a hand towards his own, fingers brushing over his knuckles gently before carefully slipping her palm against his own. “that’s not — that isn’t TRUE, okay? you… nobody has ever cared about me as much as you do. nobody has ever looked at me and actually SEEN me, or ever listened to everything i have to say, or… or UNDERSTANDS me the way that you do. the way you ALWAYS have.” her free hand lifted, fingers splaying over his cheek in an almost FRANTIC attempt to make him focus on her, hear everything that she was saying. “i know bad people. i’ve lived with them, i’ve known them, i’ve LOVED them. and that’s not — you’re GOOD, kieran. you’re a good person. PLEASE… i don’t want to lose you.”

the feeling of her palm flush against his own, the pressure of her finger tips against the back of his hand, they had once been enough to calm erratic thoughts and though there was no denying the tightening of his chest had eased for a moment, the need to pull away, to create some distance between them, was OVERWHELMING. it filled every inch of his being. he needed to step away. give himself a chance to get out everything he needed to say, everything he needed to do, before she managed to convince him that it was wrong. that everything he was thinking was wrong. she was so good at making him believe that he wasn’t the MONSTER that he’d convinced himself lay beneath the surface, biding its time before it reared its ugly head. she was so good at making him believe that he was exactly the person he’d always wanted to be, the one he’d tried for so long to become—the one he thought he’d finally slowly started to feel like he’d be able to become. but he couldn’t. he couldn’t let her. no matter how convincing the words she spoke were. she had her whole life ahead of her, and he knew a piece of her would always be tied to provincetown if she stayed with him. he was only ever going to hold her back.

it wasn’t until her fingers grazed against his cheek, that it became all TOO much. a short, sharp breath was dragged in as his head angled ever so slightly away from the hand against his cheek. desperate to give himself room to breath and to avoid the frantic eyes that searched his. hoping, begging, pleading him to hear her words as the TRUTH. his eyes fell closed for a split second as lips formed around the beginning of some of the HARDEST words he was sure he’d ever have to form, “ i can’t— ” his hand slipped from its place against the curve of her neck as it moved to allow his fingers to encircle her wrist, “ i can’t do this, sailor. ” saying the words out loud cut him deeper than he ever imagined they would and forcing his eyes to focus upon her only twisted the knife deeper as he carefully lowered her hand and untwined his hands from hers. “ i thought i could—-i thought i could be everything you needed, everything you deserved, but i CAN’T. ”

he wanted to leave it there. give her NO chance to object and make him go back on everything. but he couldn’t. he couldn’t let her go without her knowing exactly why he couldn’t be with her even if he WANTED to. he owed her THAT much. he owed her an explanation before he walked away.

the breath that was drawn in was shaky and uneven as his jaw tightened, a desperate attempt to ground himself enough to keep his voice from breaking the moment he started to talk to. “ being with you, the last month or so—i don’t remember ever being THAT happy. you made me the happiest i’ve ever been, you made me believe that everything was finally falling into place, that i could be the person you see me as, that i had a future that was bright and full of everything that i’d never had or never thought i would have and i’ll never be able to THANK YOU enough for that. i’ll never be able to thank you enough for showing me what A LIFE WITH YOU could be like. BUT—” his voice broke as the ever ominous word fell from his lips, “ all of that—it was just a dream. a dream i desperately wanted to be real but a dream i knew i had to wake up from it eventually because that’s not what my life is. my life isn’t soft, it’s not bright and full, it never has been, and i don't have any real future ahead of me—but YOU do. i’m not the only one that’s capable of seeing you for everything that you are, you’re not hard to see, there are people out there that’ll see you and love you in ways i never can because i don’t know how. the only love i know is violent and destructive. a type of love you have already endured. maybe i am a good person—but i’m not good enough. ”

by now his features had completely opened in a way he’d NEVER allowed them to become in front of anyone or anything but the darkness of his room during the dead of night. every single wall he'd built up had crumbled, exposing the broken boy beneath the nonchalant facade he’d so carefully built around him to keep others from worrying. “ look at where we are now, sailor. look at YOU—-you deserve more. you deserve someone who’s WHOLE. someone that doesn't have their own demons eating away at them—demons i can't let you endure if they ever win out-—you have your whole life ahead of you AWAY from here. you were meant for more than staying here with me. i’m a sinking ship, sailor. you have to let me let you go before it's too late. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

sailor startled, only the slightest bit, the moment that she felt kieran’s touch against her elbow. the reaction wasn’t rooted in FEAR, but in surprise. she’d been too lost in the mess of jumbled emotions and fragmented thoughts to even process the fact that he was moving in closer to her. what she wanted, what she REALLY wanted, was to bury herself in the safety of kieran’s chest until the storm had passed and she could breathe again, but she knew that wasn’t a possibility for her right now. not when, despite what he was saying, she STILL felt like he didn’t really want her there. even now, his actions — fingers making contact with only her elbow so starkly contrasted with the way that he had, the last time he had to bring her down from a ledge she’d put herself onto, taken her face between his hands in a gesture that felt far more intimate than THIS despite the fact that they had yet to openly share the way they felt about each other then — were continuing to show her that he DIDN’T. 

still, sailor wilson was NOTHING if not soft for him, filled to the brim with a kind of TRUST for him that she couldn’t put into words. she was powerless to the way her gaze lifted, albeit slowly and tentatively, to meet kieran’s own at his instructions to do so. the moment that she did, she finally released a shuddering exhale of breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, her features twisting a little, as though the action of taking a breath was physically painful for her. she still felt so ACHINGLY far away from him, like he was still out of her reach despite the distance between them that he had closed. forcing herself to focus in on his features — the furrow of his brows, the way his lips curled into a slight frown, the unreadable expression in his eyes — silenced a decent portion of the panic that was thrumming through her body. but that only allowed for more of the HURT to become more tangible, again.

it was pity. the way that he was watching her, the motive for letting her in and helping her, it was pity. it HAD to be. that was something she was all too familiar with, having been on the receiving end of it all her life. she was pitied for the fact that she’d never measure up to her sister, for the fact that she’d never be her parents favorite. her teachers used to pity her when nobody wanted her in their group in class, the guidance counselor pitied her for having no idea what she wanted to do with her life, her professors in college pitied her when she’d told them that she was dropping out. kieran was one of the ONLY people who had ever looked at her like she WASN’T something incomplete, something that was broken beyond any hope of repair, and yet… here he was, now, offering her the same pity that EVERYONE ELSE always had. 

the painful reminder was still coursing through her thoughts, pounding itself into her mind like it was to be branded there — DOESN’T WANT YOU, DOESN’T WANT YOU, DOESN’T WANT YOU — and the sudden fear of LOSING him began to override any rational thought or pride that she had left. “did i — what am i doing wrong?” she finally managed to get out, her gaze lowering back down to the ground as she did. she couldn’t look at him, not right now. she didn’t want to have to watch him confirm her fears, validate the voice still screaming at her in the back of her mind, as he told her that he didn’t want to be with her anymore. “i’ll FIX it, i’ll be better. i — ” her words, bordering on selfish pleas, fell silent as still-trembling fingers curled around each other once more. she WOULD try, she’d do anything, but she knew better now than to believe that she really could change. 

it was IMPOSSIBLE to pinpoint the exact emotion that washed over him. between the heaviness that had rooted itself deep within him, the way his features crumbled, the way his throat started to constrict his own breath, making it near impossible to drag in a steady breath. guilt—regret—they were all present, pressing heavily against his chest. but nothing could truly come close to the ABHORRENCE that filled him. if he hadn’t truly believed he didn’t deserve her before, witnessing what he saw. listening to her stumble over words that made it clear that she thought she was the reason behind him pulling away, that she’d done something WRONG. made it abundantly clear that she was the LAST thing he deserved in the world. after everything she’d been through—after she’d been broken down time and time again and made to think she was nothing—that she was worthless—he’d put her through the exact same thing. it hadn’t been on purpose, he knew THAT much and it was the only difference, the only thing, he clung onto to keep his mind coherent enough to be able to push through. but that didn’t change the fact that he’d allowed her to go on thinking this was HER fault. if only he’d talked to her. if only he’d ignored the part of him that had wanted to retreat to figure everything out on his own and let her in. ALL the way in.

but he hadn’t. he’d hurt one of the most important person to him. he’d hurt one of the people he’d NEVER wanted to hurt. one of the people he’d over ever wanted to PROTECT. the muscle in his jaw flinched as it tightened, a look of incredulity flashing across his eyes as they studied her down turned features intently. the gentle pressure of his fingertips against her elbow tightened ever so slightly as he moved an inch closer, whether to help stable himself or in hopes the heightened pressure would ground her mind he wasn’t entirely sure.

as he finally spoke, his voice was firm. though no matter how hard he tried to keep it even, it wavered ever so slightly with desperation. “ you’re NOT doing anything wrong. ” he started, “ you haven’t done ANYTHING wrong. ” his lips pressed together into a tight line as his eyes switched to ever moving hands, and before he knew it the hand upon her elbow had slid upwards to rest against the curve of her neck, the warmth of her skin felt far too hot under his touch. “ NONE of this is your fault. ” a heavy jagged breath was dragged in as his weight shifted another inch. the frown upon his lips seemed as if it had etched itself permanently across his features.

the weight of his hand upon her neck shifted for only a single moment as he spoke, tilting her chin gently upwards to allow his eyes to focus intently upon her,  “ i need you to know that, sailor. i need you to know and understand that NONE of this is because of you. none of this is your fault. ” he’d never wanted to see blue eyes clouded grey in distress. “ it’s all ME—it’s ALL because of me. ” his voice faltered, breaking as the last few words left his lips. this time it was him who’s gaze lowered to the ground, his fingers shifting against her skin. a selfish need to feel her, to confirm she was solid and real—that neither of them could crumble to ash. even if it felt as if they were only seconds away.

it took everything in him to finally allow his head to rise once more. “ you’re all that i’ve EVER wanted. you’re MORE than i’ve ever wanted. more than i ever thought i’d ever be able to have. more than i ever thought i DESERVED—and that’s the problem. there’s nothing you can do because—-i’m the problem. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

for a moment, kieran’s words managed to quiet the monster that was trying to claw its way out of her chest — like he had at the bonfire, in his kitchen, after the fourth of july, so many countless times since that he, for some reason, decided that she was worth his time and his friendship. if she was being honest, sometimes she still struggled to wrap her mind around WHY he had pushed forward with such an effort to befriend her all those years ago, when she was quiet and uncertain and always lingering around on the outside of everything. he had seen something in her, then, just as he had seen something in her weeks ago that made him want to call her his GIRLFRIEND. the only one he wanted, he had said — and, what she wouldn’t do to go back to that moment, soft and warm and intertwined beneath their blankets in florida, when he had pinned her against the mattress with all his weight to keep her from slipping out of bed. and now… now he was going to far greater lengths to keep her away from him. 

despite her wishful thinking, and how BADLY she wanted the sound of kieran’s voice to subdue her growing anxieties and drown out the voice in her mind that was telling her all the things she DIDN’T want to hear, the flash of something resembling calm was fleeting, vanishing nearly as quickly as it had come over her. he was TELLING her that he wanted her to stay, yes, but his words didn’t come close to aligning with his actions as of late. she tried to fight back against the doubt that was rising up in the back of her throat once more, tried to fend it off by inwardly reminding herself that he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it — he’d just PROMISED that he’d never lied to her, that he wasn’t lying to her — and, yet, something lurking in the back of her mind STILL tried to push back against it. 

maybe he was only saying all that, now, because he felt guilty. because she was acting up, making a scene, overreacting. ‘ stop being so SENSITIVE. can’t you take a joke ? ’ that was what garrett had always said to her, never missing an opportunity to crush whatever certainty she had in her own emotions. and, NO, kieran would NEVER do that — she couldn’t even think for a MOMENT that he would do something like that to her, to ANYONE, ever — may be there WAS still some shred of truth in what garrett had always said. she didn’t know how to keep her emotions in check, how to keep HERSELF in check. only, the more she thought about the likelihood that this, too, was HER FAULT, the more tightly wound she felt and the sharper the pain in her chest became. 

she didn’t realize that she was moving forwards, into kieran’s apartment, until she had already crossed over the threshold of his door. it was like her body was moving on auto-pilot, carrying out actions that her brain didn’t have the capacity to process in its current FRENZIED state of racing thoughts. the change in scenery didn’t do much to lessen anything about the hurricane that was consuming her alive. if anything, it only hurt WORSE to be surrounded by so many things that seemed to scream kieran’s name at her while a mantra of ‘ HE DOESN’T WANT YOU ’ was still pounding through her head. she was imposing. she was forcing herself onto him, forcing herself into his home. she had showed up, unannounced and uninvited, and now she was making him deal with THIS — with HER — on top of it all. she couldn’t speak to apologize, she couldn’t breathe. all she could do was wind her hands together painfully tight, fingernails digging into her palm, harder and harder, in attempt to snap herself out of it — but she COULDN’T. 

for once it seemed IMPOSSIBLE to figure out what she was thinking, what she was going to do. he hoped she’d give in to his pleads, step across the threshold he straddled and let him try and piece together the words he’d been struggling with. but if the past was anything to go by, her running wasn’t off the cards by a long shot—not that’d he’d EVER blame her for turning to ways she’d learnt how to cope. ways that offered an outcome less painful, even if it was just a fraction less, than the one the could come if she stayed. a part of him wanted to reach out to her, allow his fingers to catch at the fabric of her clothing to bring a halt to any thought she had towards the latter outcome. but he couldn’t. if she wanted to leave, if she wanted to run, he wasn’t going to force her to stay. he wasn’t about to force her into anything she didn’t want. no matter how hard it would be to let her go without following her. crossing into his apartment could only be her choice, not his.

that however, didn’t stop him from shifting his weight as he caught the first hints of movement. a hand hesitantly rose as brows furrowed, a final plead to get her to stay just about ready to slip from his lips, but she didn’t move backwards. she stepped forwards and any tension that had gathered within him faded with an exhaled breath as she slipped past him into his apartment. she’d stayed—that alone was enough in itself at this point.

though that meant he’d have to finally face everything he’d been desperately trying to avoid. there was no more hiding, no more excuses, he’d have to look her in the eye and tell her that he couldn’t do this anymore. that he couldn’t be with her. that he couldn’t go on pretending as if he was someone that could give her the life, the love—everything she DESERVED. no matter how much he wanted to.

the only problem was, he wasn’t sure how to even begin.

he’d lingered for as long as he could at the door, finally closing it with a solid CLICK, eyes desperately focused upon the wooden detail of it in lieu of following and studying every minute detail of sailor’s figure as she edged further into his apartment. but eventually his hand fell from the handle to rise and settle against the back of his neck as he turned towards the small blonde. the moment his eyes fell upon her, his heart sunk at the sight of frantic twisting hands. it wasn’t the first time he’d witnessed her on the edge of panic within the walls of his apartment. the first time had happened only a wall over. but this time, he was the one that had caused it. not memories of her ex. HIM. kieran walsh. HE was the reason behind the unmanageable panic filling every inch of her.

he was meant to ease it. he was meant to help calm the thoughts before they even had the chance to create such PANIC. he wasn’t meant to cause it and who knew if he was capable of bringing an end to it. but there was only one way to find out.

“ hey— ” the attempt to catch her attention was uttered softly as he tentatively started towards her, the hand slipping from the back of his neck as he moved. every thought running through his mind was yelling at him to keep his distance. to stop reaching for her. lose the distance you created and you lose any hope of doing what you know needs to be done before it’s too late. but reaching for her, helping her, was second nature to him. it was instinctual and strong enough to over ride everything else. SHE WAS ALL THAT MATTERED. “ sailor. ” her name barely came out as a whisper as eyes flitted over every inch of her as fingers finally rose to graze delicately against her elbow, as if he was afraid anything else may just cause her to break beneath his touch. “ sailor, look at me—i need you to look at me. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

despite his words, despite the familiar gentleness that overtook his features when he said her name LIKE THAT — like he NEEDED her to listen to him — she couldn’t shake the feeling of her chest caving in. the dull ache that was radiating through her quickly sparked an instinct that she thought she had put past her, buried with all the other memories she had left behind when kieran began to prove to her that she could rebuild all the shattered fragments of herself. only, that hadn’t been true, because here she STILL was and none of the pieces felt like they were fitting together right anymore, or maybe some had been lost forever, leaving a gaping whole in the middle of who she was and who she wanted to be. 

“don’t LIE to me.” the words bubbled past her lips before she could process them or think twice about letting them loose, fueled by the instinct the shield herself with ANGER rather than to allow herself to be vulnerable. she hated it. she HATED that the feeling had returned to her now, just when she thought that she was finally healing. she HATED that it was fueled by kieran, who was supposed to be the one person who never made her feel like this. she HATED that she knew, even now, that a burst of white-hot rage and words she’d regret later was so far preferable to the dark, numbing kind of sadness that would, inevitably, set in later. 

still, when she forced herself to raise her gaze and look kieran in the eye, she had nearly no control over the way that her somewhat icy exterior began to melt away at the inherent softness written all over kieran’s features. the gentle tone his voice took on as he tried to persuade her against leaving, the way he sought out her gaze and moved in closer to her… it was like, for a moment, there had been no shift in things between them at all. he held so much of her heart within his hands, maybe without even knowing it — though, he had ALWAYS held onto so much of her heart without knowing, it was hardly a surprise — that she couldn’t say no to him. she couldn’t walk away from him. she didn’t WANT to.

“you don’t have to — i don’t want you to say things you don’t MEAN, kieran,” she tried again, her voice significantly smaller than it had been only seconds before, any trace of venom that had previously been woven through her words gone with a raw kind of vulnerability taking its place instead. she was hurt, she was confused, and she KNEW that she was doing a terrible job of masking those emotions from him in that moment, but there was nearly nothing she could do about it now — not when she was trying to focus all her energy on NOT crumpling on the spot. “i can tell… i can tell that you don’t really want me here.” those words were harder to get out, a sharp pain pulsing down to the tips of her fingers as she nearly forced herself to outwardly come to terms with the truth that had been hanging over the both of them recently. maybe what hurt the most was how much she really DID want to be around him, all the time. he had always managed to ease away even her most deep-rooted anxieties, drawing her back down to earth and steadying her on her feet. and now, when she needed that most, it was clear that he couldn’t do that for her this time. 

he deserved every inch of anger that latched itself to the four words. he deserved watching tender ocean eyes turn to ICE right in front of him. he deserved that and MORE.  pushing her away, rebuilding the walls between them, had been the only way he knew how to cope. he had thought it would be better to slowly pull away. but watching her now, seeing the state she was in because of him—he was beginning to understand just how WRONG he’d been. this had been the complete opposite of what he’d wanted. the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her—in any way—but it looked as if he’d done more damage than good. one look at her was all it should have taken for him to know that, but the hostility in her voice was what finally flipped the switch. even that night after she’d found out about sawyer and him, he couldn’t remember such animosity in her voice. it wasn't something foreign to him, but hearing it slip from between sailor’s lips? it was such a vast difference from the tenderness and warmth he had grown accustomed to—no matter how hard it was for him to understand—when it came to her that he FLINCHED. his shoulders tightened under the fabric of his shirt as his stature straightened and dark eyes scanned her features.

he may have exaggerated the truth here and there over the past little while, and skirted around the real truth behind his behaviour, but he had never straight out lied to her. that was something he could never bring himself to do and something he was far from doing now. the fact that he wanted her to stay was the MAIN reason why there was such conflict ranging within him once more. if he didn’t, all of this would have been easier on BOTH OF THEM. he’d ended relationships before, he didn’t find it hard, he’d been pushing people away his whole life and if he felt only half of the things he did for sailor he would have been able to the moment the thought had appeared. but she was the girl he’d LOVED since he was 19. the girl he’d do anything for. she was the exception, the one he could never push away. no matter how much he wanted to.

“ i’ve NEVER lied to you, ” even if he was careful to keep the words gentle in manner, they hardly lacked in strength, “ and i’m not lying to you now. ” she may not believe it right this moment, he wasn’t sure if he’d believe himself after the way he’d acted recently, but he needed her to hear it. he needed her to hear a lot, but first he needed to get her inside.

the tension across his shoulders slackened ever so slightly as her features crumbled, revealing the true emotions that lay behind the wall of anger thrown up moments ago. something that moved him another step forward, as a hand inched higher from his side towards her though it faltered as an audible sharp breath filled the air. a wave of nausea washed over him, her words cut like a knife. she didn’t know how wrong she was. but that was the problem. she didn't know. she didn't know because he hadn't been able to bring himself to simply talk to her. which was why he was frozen to the spot, sick over the thought that he hadn’t been ANY better than the men he’d been trying SO HARD not to become. he’d made her doubt everything, possibly even herself. he’d never HATED himself more. “ no—no—-no. ” the objection came out stammered and broken as his head shook, the hand that had faltered coming up to gesture between them, “ i want you here, you have to know that, i WANT you here. none of this is what you think—it’s just—i’ve just—- ” his words faltered as the arm was thrown to his side, gesturing behind him into his apartment, “ just please come in, sailor. let me explain. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

for a moment, for one terribly fleeting moment that slipped from her grasp far sooner than she would have liked, it seemed like maybe this would go well for her. kieran smiled at her when he opened the door, his gaze softened a fraction upon meeting her own — but then it was gone. she wasn’t sure if she was meant to see it, the way that something hard and almost cold flashed in his eyes not even thirty second after she appeared within his line of sight, but she couldn’t ignore it. she couldn’t pretend like she didn’t see it, and she certainly couldn’t pretend like it didn’t HURT, either. as hard as she tried to rack her brain and think of what she had done to make him look at her like she was something he wanted to get rid of, when it seemed like just yesterday he had her wrapped in his arms and was telling her not to go anywhere and to STAY WITH HIM, she couldn’t manage to come up with anything that might have warranted those feelings from him.

only, maybe it wasn’t because of something that she’d done. maybe it was just because of… who she WAS. maybe she really was just unlovable, like garrett had always said. she could still hear his voice — could still feel the way he had fisted, too tight, at a handful of her curls are forced her to study her own reflection, could still remember the ugly bruise that was starting to bloom around her eye. 

‘ look at yourself, sailor. you couldn’t possibly think that anyone else could want YOU, do you? you’re LUCKY that i’m keeping you around. ’

the memory nearly made her recoil, though a flood of guilt rose up in her chest before she could and she shoved her hands deep into her pockets, nails digging painfully into her palms to force herself to not reveal even a fraction of what she was thinking at that moment. kieran wasn’t like garrett. he WASN’T. he wouldn’t hurt her, not like that. if anything, he was trying to let her down easy, wasn’t he? it wasn’t his fault that she was nothing but shards of glass, thorns instead of roses, volatile like a hurricane where she should have been peaceful, quiet waters. it wasn’t HIS fault that she couldn’t be the girl he wanted.

but she had tried. she had tried so hard to be softer, to be kinder, to be lighter. she had tried to open her arms and hide the scars that years of trying to find love at the edge of a knife had left in her. she should have known she couldn’t change, she should have known that she could never be the pretty, gentle, lovely girl who kieran wanted — DESERVED. the weight of that knowledge sat heavy on her chest, restricting and suffocating her until she felt like she couldn’t breathe. 

his words fell on deaf ears. she thought that, maybe, he was inviting her in but she couldn’t tell — he sounded too faraway, the walls he had been slowly rebuilding between them crumbling down and swallowing her whole. he didn’t want her there, that much was painfully clear. “no, i — i should just — ” she tried to speak but her words got lost in the way her throat seemed to be closing up, feeling almost as painfully tight as her chest did as she struggled to take a breath deep enough to calm the frantic buzzing of her nerves. she needed to go before she made a scene — needed to do the both of them a favor by leaving now — but… if she didn’t belong with kieran, then maybe she didn’t belong anywhere at all.

maybe if he’d been like his father, like her ex, like the man that he thought he was deep down, he could have acted as if he didn’t see the way usual bright eyes had diminished almost entirely or the way she struggled to draw breath or even the way her hands retreated into her pockets and let her walk away. closing the door behind her without even much of a second thought. but how could he ? how could he stand there watching the girl he LOVED draw closer to completely undoing in front of him with every passing second and let her walk away ? especially knowing he was most likely the reason behind the growing anxiety within her.

the answer was, he couldn’t, and that was apart of the trepidation that grew within him. if he could only go back to the time before he’d gotten a taste of what it was like to have sailor wilson in his life—really in his life—this would be all that much easier. keeping her at a distance then may have caused an ache in his heart, but it was nothing compared to the pain radiating within his chest now. it near killed him every second he was with her to not be with her in the way he wanted.

it was obvious from the way she refused, the way she retreated into herself, that his hope of the sharpness that had taken over his features hadn’t come across as anything close to surprise. the thought that she was thinking he didn’t want her to stay, that he didn’t love her, it made him feel sick. but he HAD to remind himself that no matter how much it hurt her now, it was better than the hurt that could possibly be waiting for her in the future because just because he couldn’t let her leave now didn’t mean that he’d think the same way down the road. after all, he knew the demons that his father had within him also lurked within him. it was the fact that he LOVED her, he knew he had to let her go—before he became someone he never wanted her to think or see him as. he wanted her to think of him as the boy she knew. the boy she had, had a crush on for all those years.

though for now, he was still that boy. the one that gathered her hands up in his own, halting restless hands. the one that was capable of calming the rising panic filling her. the one that would do anything to keep her from spilling over. it wasn’t a hard feat, compartmentalising his feelings—not when he HAD to—and the only thing right now that mattered was making sure she didn’t leave. who knew where she’d end up or how she’d end up if he let her leave here in such a state.

his features grew softer as he retook the step, his hand slipping from the doorknob as he took a small breath. “ sailor. ” her name hadn’t left his lips in such a plea since the beginning of summer. “ come in— ” his words faltered for a split second, they sounded far too demanding. he dared to take another step towards her, his head dipping ever so slightly to catch her eye as he tried the words once more. this time they came out so gently that it was a miracle they could be heard in the first place. “ can you come in ? i can’t let you go, not like this. i want you to stay—come in—- please. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

for a moment, it had truly felt like EVERYTHING had managed to slide into place for sailor  — for sailor and kieran, especially. after years of stumbling around the obvious, around what was, for lack of turn of phrase, meant to be. and, if she was honest, she was feeling HAPPIER than she had in a long while, the comfort and the security of kieran’s presence making her life only that much warmer. only, by the time that the road trip had died down and they had returned to their normal lives in provincetown, it was starting to feel as though things were beginning to change, already.

perhaps, if she didn’t know kieran like the back of her own hand, such a shift wouldn’t have been noticeable to her. maybe she wouldn’t have been able to pick up on the seemingly minuscule ways that his smile didn’t always reach his eyes when he looked at her, or how it had been starting to seem like they were spending less time around each other. perhaps it was her only her own insecurities, so deeply nestled into her chest and roped around her heart to ignore, that made her feel on edge, but… but she couldn’t RISK standing by and saying nothing, merely waiting for things to fall apart entirely. she COULDN’T, not when she’d been waiting for this — for HIM — for so long. 

the burst of confidence that inspired her to go to kieran’s place was almost as unfamiliar as it was unexpected, and by the time that he actually opened the door and was standing in front of her, nearly all of said confidence had already dissipated from her body. still, she forced herself to stand a little taller instead of shrinking the way she wanted to as the voice in the back of her head reminded her, yet again, that there was a possibility he had grown tired of her, he had realized that she wasn’t as good of a person as he deserved, he didn’t want to be with her anymore. “hi,” she began, words trailing off in a bit of uncertainty, losing her nerve once more. “i just — i should have texted about coming over, i’m sorry. i can go if you’re busy, i don’t know why i just showed up like this — sorry.”

there was no denying that kieran walsh had been near the happiest he had EVER been since sailor wilson had stepped through his apartment door that july night. she’d awoken a part of him that he'd thought lost a long time ago. a part of him that let himself be optimistic about her, about himself, about the future that could possibly be waiting for them. a part that got so carried away and LOST within the euphoria of finally being able to call sailor wilson his girlfriend that he forgot everything that had ever held him back from crossing the line of ‘ friendship ’ with her before now. maybe if the road trip hadn't have happened things would have been different. maybe it was because they had been away from reality, lost within a world of their own, that he’d let himself be caught up in it all. he’d had nothing to remind himself of why he’d never told her about his true feelings. why she deserved better than anything he could ever give her. he had nothing to remind him that this was all a dream he’d eventually wake up from.

because it was. all of it. the optimism. him thinking he could be the guy sailor deserved. the possible future he and sailor shared together. it was all one big dream that he was woken up from slowly but surely the moment they’d stepped foot back in provincetown. the town he knew he’d never get out of. the town he knew sailor didn’t belong in. she was meant for bigger and better things, a life full of love and happiness with someone that could give her the world and more if she wanted; and even if he wanted to give her that—it was impossible. he wasn’t made for that life. he wasn’t made for love. he hardly understood the meaning of the word. the only version he knew was twisted and broken. she'd had enough twisted and broken love already. he couldn't put her through anymore. he wouldn’t.

the only thing was, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. he couldn’t bring himself to end it. no matter the thoughts that were ever present in his mind, thoughts her touch could hardly ease, he couldn’t utter the words needed. so instead he did the only thing he knew how to do—he pulled away. he allowed a space to form between them once more in hopes that maybe the thoughts would pass or he’d eventually grasp the right words. but work could only be used as an excuse to not see her for so long.

an excuse he would have used if sailor had asked if she could come around before she’d appeared on the other side of his apartment door. at first, he’d thought of ignoring the knock at his door but eventually he’d moved from the couch. a decision he couldn't help but feel a little regret over. “ sailor— ” her name fell from his lips before the six lettered word had even had enough time to form completely within his thoughts. “ hey. ” it wasn’t that he wasn’t happy to see her, kieran could hardly think of a time when the mere sight of her didn’t bring with it a wave of warmth, he WAS. the slight hint of a curve that appeared upon his lips gave that much away. it was just no matter what the corners of his lips showed, the intrusive thoughts that had slowly but surely crept within enveloped themselves around the happiness, tainting it and the smile upon his lips immediately. he hoped it passed across his features as a simple flash of surprise but he hardly doubted that. it was getting harder and harder to keep his inner feelings invisible to sailor’s gaze. his grasp upon the door knob tightened as he studied for a moment, sending her away was an option that appealed far too much. but watching her, noting the uncertainty within her voice and how she seemed to draw more inwardly once more, he couldn’t. “ you don’t have to— ” he started as his stature straightened and he shifted back a small step, “ you don’t have to go, you can come in, i’m not busy. ”

[fcrvcnt]

                                               𝐤𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐡                                             via instagram ft. olivia walsh

[hithewalls]

Alex Fitzalan for Da Man Magazine by Mitchell Nguyen McCormack

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

the moment that the words left kieran’s lips — STAY WITH ME — they formed a mantra in her mind, playing themselves over and over and over until there wasn’t room for any other thought inside of her. that was what she wanted, it was what she had always wanted. to hear him say those words. she had wanted to say, WITH HIM, for years now. and, even when she hadn’t been right there with him, she had wanted to come home to him. and now, finally, it was like all those little dreams that she had quietly fostered inside of her heart, kept hidden away in the places where only she could hear them, were being drawn out of her and brought to life. “i want to.” her words her quiet, as though the words she was speaking into existence between the two of them were so very fragile. and, maybe, in a way… they WERE. she had always been more certain about kieran than she had been about most things in her life — when she was a teenager who looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky, when she was a bit older and missing him with every ounce of her being, and NOW when she had been given another chance that she KNEW she had to be careful not to ruin — but she still wasn’t sure what to do with all of it, all of the certainty. just because the lines that they had previously drawn between them to protect their own hearts had been erased didn’t mean that there weren’t NEW boundaries to tip-toe around. only, now, she didn’t think she could bring herself to linger on the outside of those lines. “i want THIS, i mean. YOU. and, jesus, i don’t EVER know what i’m doing but… but wanting to be with you, that doesn’t change. no matter where we are or… what we’re doing… that’s one of the only things i’m sure about. YOU.” she can’t stop herself from leaning in, stealing soft and languid kisses from his lips between her words — and, even if it means that it’s taking her longer to get them all out, she doesn’t think either of them really mind that much. “and i’ve been sure about you for a while now, so i can’t just — i want you to know that.”

it wasn’t that her words didn’t fill every inch of his being with a warmth that was near indescribable, because they most certainly did. with every word, with every kiss she stole between inconceivable words, he felt the constant weight that sat heavily upon his chest lighten little by little until he felt like he could finally breath. the way she spoke, the things she was saying, made it impossible to doubt THEM for even a single second. she talked about them—about HIM in a way he never thought he’d be talked about. she seemed SO certain about him that she made him want to share that certainty. but those wants didn’t negate the fact that her words were INCONCEIVABLE. for no matter how full he felt, the thoughts in the back of his mind that had stayed mere whispers quiet enough to let pass by grew louder. there was no denying that she was not the only one that felt such certainty. it may have taken him a bit longer to get there, but once he’d realised, once he’d stopped denying the fact that he'd fallen for her completely and utterly, he’d always been certain that she was the only girl that he’d ever truly LOVE. something that had only grown more apparent as the years went on. but that had never been enough. his own certainty in the way he felt about her had never been enough. because at the end of the day he knew he could never fully allow her to love him in fear that in doing so, he stopped her from living the life that she deserved. but that was then. that was before they’d been given a second chance. that was before she knew how he felt. that was before he’d gotten a taste of what it was like to have sailor wilson in his life in the way he’d always wanted. his belief of not feeling as if he deserved her would always linger, he knew that, and he knew that it would take time to grasp the fact she cared so deeply about him, but what if he could be the person she deserved. her certainty made him believe that it was possible. that THEY were possible. they at least deserved a chance. OFFICIALLY. his eyes flittered between hers as a breath was inhaled before being released slowly, “ it’s always terrified me, the way i felt—the way i feel about you. i always thought keeping you just far enough away was for best, but—-sailor, letting you go without telling you how i felt will always be one of my biggest regrets because, you’re not the only one that’s been sure for a while.” gingerly, his hand curved around her waist was raised to allow finger tips to graze against her cheek as his palm cupped her jaw. “ i want you to know, you’re the ONLY person i want. the only person i want to be with, and if you want to put a label on it—-—-there’s no one else i’d want to call my GIRLFRIEND. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

if someone had told sailor a few months ago that there would be a moment that she WASN’T wracked with apprehension-bordering-on-fear at the sensation of someone’s fingers gliding against her skin, she wouldn’t have believed them. she truly had thought that whatever nauseating aversion to physical contact that had been instilled in her would linger forever, but she HADN’T counted on kieran walsh making his way back into her life. she hadn’t counted on him WANTING her. and as strange of a notion as it was — the gentle brush of his fingertips against her torso, spreading warmth in their wake with the unmistakable message of being cherished, being important — she couldn’t deny the fact that it was something she would like to hang onto FOREVER. or, at the very least, as long as he let her. usually, the sensation of kieran’s touch was grounding, the way that his hands had, so many times, sought out her own when her thoughts were running wild inside of her mind and she couldn’t process them. right now, however, they did very little but cause her mind to grow increasingly dizzy, though each and every fleeting thought that made its way into her was about HIM and ONLY HIM. once again, she was near overwhelmed with everything she might like to say to him — especially as she remembered the way that he had looked at her on the fourth of july, the way his expression had turned when he said that he HAD NOTHING TO GIVE HER. it wasn’t true then, and certainly not now, but she was near certain that he still believed it. she knew, firsthand, how difficult it was to let go of something like that — especially considering SHE was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that he wanted to be with her. “you’re very convincing, you know,” she finally murmured, barely able to bring herself to move more than an inch away from him leaving her words to be murmured between their lips. “you make me not want to go anywhere. not ever.” they were words that were similar to a promise she made him, once, at the bonfire. only, that time, there was an entirely NEW layer to them that she only hoped he understood. 

even as they broke apart his eyes stayed closed, as he remained within the enthralment that being with her filled him with for a moment longer, the tip of his nose grazing against the edge of her own as an uneven breath passed between parted lips. it took him a minute to regain some level of coherency to piece together a single thought that didn’t just revolve around her and her alone. but it wasn’t longer before a smug smile started to pull at the corners of his lips as her murmured words lingered upon his lips,  “ even if i’d love to take all the credit—you help make it incredibly easy for me. ” it really was overwhelming just how true his words were. she made all of this—being with her, having her in his life, feeling things he’d long since thought he’d never feel or didn’t want to let himself feel—feel incredibly easy and even if it still terrified him, he was slowly beginning to think maybe he could just give into the hope that maybe a life of being dealt the short straw was finally coming to an end and that he could become someone worthy of being with someone like sailor wilson. a girl that deserved only the best life had to offer. the smugness upon his features however didn’t last very long before they softened once more as eyes flickered open. you make me not want to go anywhere. not ever. he could have let them settle just for what they appeared to be but they were reminiscent of previous words she’d said to him once. a promise that hadn't left his mind since. however, the way she spoke them this time left it somewhat open-ended. it gave him a space to reply. it gave him a space to hint at a conversation that was inevitable; and though it would have been far easier for him to skim over it, allow some witty remark, such as even if disney is waiting just outside of this villa for you? to come instead, he knew if he didn't let himself do it now then he may not get another chance for a while. when he spoke, his voice was low in volume but ample in meaning and vehemence. “ then don’t. ” his head shifted to once more allow darkened eyes to focus attentively upon hers, “ don’t go anywhere, stay—WITH me. ”

[fcrvcnt]

━━  SAILOR.

“two and a half,” sailor confirmed, the motion of her fingers stilling as kieran’s head lifted to a place where she could gaze upon him once more. his words were wonderfully enticing, as was the timbre of his voice that gradually grew lower as the distance between them decreased once again — only, this time, in a way that made goosebumps blossom across her skin. she wouldn’t have complained to ANY amount of time spent with kieran in bed but she couldn’t deny that she had been feeling at least a LITTLE bit deprived of the feeling of his lips against her own since that day back in his kitchen. not that it was a difficult feat, really, given the way that she could have spent hours on hours kissing him without tiring of it. she still remained firmly set on that notion, maybe even more so as he finally, FINALLY, pressed his lips to hers once more — all gentle, and slow, and perfect. it was EASY for sailor to allow herself to be lost in the moment with him, her fingers on one hand winding through his hair a bit more securely than before while the other began to drift around, flitting from place to place as she all but drank him in. she had to admit, he certainly was onto SOMETHING with this technique of getting her to stay in bed with him a bit longer, pretty certain that there was very little that would make her want to exit the soft, warm, SAFE little bubble that they’d created for themselves right now. still, she had about a MILLION things that she wanted to say to him, all the emotions that he had stirred inside of her rising to rest on the edge of her lips while, somehow, still not giving her the proper words to speak them —   but she WANTED to. it was an almost frightening notion to, after having spent years only knowing how to repress and hide herself away — to WANT and open herself up and let everything she was thinking pour out, but the fact that it was KIERAN made all the difference. she would, she knew that much, once she mustered up enough strength to physically pull herself away from him.

it took little encouragement for kieran to relinquish any hint of soft hesitancy within his touch the moment fingers, once soothing and mindless, were felt twisting through hair in a way that kindled a desire for more—more of this—more of them—more of her—and though the pace in which his lips moved against hers didn’t hasten, once honeyed pressure shifted. it held remnants of their first kiss that night in his kitchen, but this time, every movement was deliberately ardent. as if they had all the time in the world and he was intent on soaking in and taking advantage of every second of being lost in the world that only existed for them and them alone below the cocoon of covers. there was no rush after all, her words replayed on a loop within his mind—all the time in the world. i think i’ll stay right here. plenty of days—a constant reminder, whether or not she really meant them as ones when she said them, that her wanting to be with him hadn’t been something he’d dreamt up, everything about her had always felt too good to be true, but it felt that way now more than ever. he’d never quite understand why she’d ever chosen him—a boy who only truly knew the sharp edges of love, a boy who felt like he was faking almost every day of his life, a boy who felt as if he could give love but wasn’t meant to be loved back—when she could have had anyone she wanted, because he’d be lying if he didn’t admit to needing to pinch himself every time he was with her. he was waiting for the day he’d wake up back in his bed at home to find that she wasn't there. that none of this had happened. that she was still the sandy haired girl he let get away. but that worry was only a whisper in the back of his mind, as his fingers dared to slip under the hem of her shirt seeking the warmth of her skin underneath. mostly to simply allow himself to, just for good measure, make sure she was real.

[fcrvcnt]

━━ SAWYER.

it was pretty obvious that she was avoiding him. there were many words that have remained unspoken since that fourth of july night that sawyer would just rather ignore. she wished she could just drop it, but it was different — especially because he had been spending a lot of time with her sister lately which only meant one thing. it was way easier when they were in provincetown. if she knew he was coming over she would leave the house and go to ale’s or spend the night at marco’s, but she knew it would become more difficult as soon as they embarked on their roadtrip. somehow, someway she was able to avoid him at the lake even though they were in the same house. with every location, her luck was draining. after a long day at the theme parks, everyone was winding down in the villa including sawyer. the blonde still had her mickey mouse headband on her head while she went over to the kitchen to catch herself a smirnoff ice. that was when her eyes caught the familiar head of brown curls. a breath was sucked in between her teeth when she noticed he was blocking the fridge. she was a bit too stubborn to make any first words, so she just stood there, her eyes lowering to star at the floor, and her arms crossed loosely in front of her. she cleared her throat in order to get his attention and make her presence known. 

it wasn’t a new thing, being able to act like everything was normal. it was a particular talent kieran had had down pat for quite some time now. but as his gaze moved to settle upon the figure to his left, he had to admit painting on a nonchalant expression was harder than he thought it would ever be. kieran knew it was only a matter of time before he’d have to tackle facing sawyer again, especially after the road trip had been organised, but he’d hoped that somehow it could have been avoided. just like they’d been managing to do ever since after that night. sure, avoiding the sister of the girl he was maybe, possibly, with wasn’t the most ideal situation in the world but it felt a whole lot better than facing a conversation that could only bring up memories and emotions he, and he imagined others ( sawyer included ), would rather much forget. however, his own feelings were pushed to the side as he somewhat successfully made himself appear relatively unfazed by her standing not too far away from him. just because she wasn’t his favourite person—possibly one of the furthest people from it if he was honest—didn’t mean he couldn’t be civil, right ? for sailor—though who really knew how she felt about the whole thing in truth, he hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask, he’d simply assumed keeping his distance was the safer option—and the other’s sake at least. “ can i help you with anything, sawyer ? ”