*everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
snape: so. who broke it? i’m not mad, i just wanna know.
hagrid: ...i did. i broke it.
snape: no. no you didn't. minerva?
mcgonagall: don't look at me. look at lupin.
lupin: what?! i didn't break it.
mcgonagall: huh, that's weird. how'd you even know it was broken?
lupin: because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
flitwick: if it matters, probably not, but pomona was the last one to use it.
sprout: liar! i don't even drink that crap!
flitwick: oh really? then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
sprout: i use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. everyone knows that, filius!
hagrid: okay let's not fight. i broke it. let me pay for it, severus .
snape: no! who broke it!?
flitwick: severus ... minerva’s been awfully quiet.
*everyone starts arguing*
snape, being interviewed: i broke it. i burned my hand so i punched it.
snape: i predict ten minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
snape: good. it was getting a little chummy around here.