what are you talking about snape totally said this

submissions welcome

[sayssnape]

dumbledore: you need to promise me you’ll be on your best behaviour.

snape: i promise… -ed other people i’d be on my worst behaviour. and i gave my word so…

[sayssnape]

lupin: how come you've been abnormally nice to me lately?

snape: what do u mean?

lupin: you just seem nicer than usual.

snape: i'll punch you in the face if you want.

[sayssnape]

minerva, with a wide grin the whole time: i’ve taken on a lover.

sprout: well thats great! congratulations! who is it?

minerva: severus’ mom.

sprout: …what?

minerva: severus’ mom, eileen! from that wedding we were all at.

sprout, laughing: you’re messing with me.

minerva: about what?

sprout: you did not sleep with severus’ mom.

minerva: oh, big time.

sprout: oh yeah? what kind of wand does she have?

minerva: she has a hawthorn wand-

sprout: oh fuck-

minerva: with a dragon heartstring core, and let me tell you, i’m still feeling the sparks.

sprout: oh my god.

minerva, gleefully unaware of sprouts distress: what?

sprout: okay, never tell severus, lets make a pact!

minerva: a pact? okay. although, i may have to break it tonight when me and eileen tell severus over dinner.

sprout: …oh my god, can i come watch?

[sayssnape]

*after snape insults him*

sirius: severus snape, i’m going to fuck you.

snape:

sirius: up! i meant i’m going to fuck you up.

[sayssnape]

tonks: stop saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea." i got my eye on one specific emotionally distant salmon with commitment issues.

alastor: i’m personally after the white whale that took my leg.

snape: i also want the whale that took alastor’s leg.

[sayssnape]

dumbledore: we’ve come to take you home!

sirius: three days later!

dumbledore: no one knew where you were, and your magical signature was off!

sirius: i owled snape!

*dumbledore looks at the snape*

snape: i’m sorry for not responding to, like, one owl, black. and if you decided to owl me over anyone else then honestly thats on you.

[sayssnape]

bellatrix: *turns sev into a frog* now suffer

snape: *chilling on a leaf*

bellatrix: wait

snape: *experiencing happiness for the first time in his life*

bellatrix: wait no

[sayssnape]

snape, after harry did something dangerous and nearly threw off snapes cover: how dare you disobey me?

harry: come on, sir, it was a good idea and we were trying to catch the killer.

snape: well, then, lets hear this idea, this groundbreaking idea that threatens to blow my cover wide open.

harry: okay, i know this tone, here comes petty snape.

snape: nah, bitch, i’m not being petty.

harry: you just said nah, bitch!

[sayssnape]

lockhart: hi sorry if this is weird but are you one of the people who hate me 😭

snape: hi omg not weird at all! yes i am <3

[sayssnape]

*after a particularly competitive staff board game night*

snape: you know what i’m thankful for? nursing homes.

mcgonagall: you know what you should be thankful for? breath mints. you could use one.

snape: i tried your casserole by the way. it was bland.

mcgonagall: you know what else is bland? your personality.

snape: tell me, how are your kidneys? still failing?

dumbledore: okay, why don’t we call this a night-

*gets interrupted over snape snd mcgonagall fighting*

[sayssnape]

lucius, after coming out of azkaban and having no servants left: would it kill someone to plant a few peonies?

snape: i have a feeling if you want peonies, lucius, you’re going to have to plant them yourself.

lucius: ah ahah. ah hahaha. ah ahhahaha. hA HA HAHA HA. these are dark times, severus, but not that dark.

[sayssnape]

voldemort: dude honestly shout out to my favourite death eater severus snape, i told him to seize this guy and before i could even finish my sentence he soze him. My goat

[sayssnape]

regulus: i think we should get a divorce.

snape: what are you doing?

regulus: just practicing.

snape: why are you already planning your hypothetical divorce?

regulus: i don't know. i’m 17. i think i’m going through a crisis

snape: you don't even have a partner.

regulus: hypothetically… divorce me.

snape: okay, then i’m hypothetically taking half your assets.

regulus: well, you didn't sign the hypothetical prenup. *to rosier* is it?… it’s called a prenup, right?

rosier: yeah, it's a prenup and you did hypothetically sign one, so.

snape: who the fuck is this guy?

rosier: i’m his hypothetical lawyer in this… divorce case.

snape: well, then i’m taking the hypothetical kids, so- *to mulciber* right? we can get those, right?

mulciber: yes, we can definitely get the hypothetical kids. don’t worry about it.

regulus: who the fuck is this hypothetical nerd? fucking idiot loser, no good-.

mulciber: wow, that is a lot of hypothetical insults. i need to keep these on for continuity so that we can sue

snape: this is MY hypothetical lawyer and we have been hypothetically sleeping with each other.

regulus, outraged: how could you hypothetic- *trying not to laugh* how could you hYpOtHeTiCaLly do this to me?!

snape: because you hypothetically are an alcoholic, so-

[sayssnape]

lucius: where is my scroll? you were supposed to bring it to me today.

snape: it was in my hand, but my friends stole it from me. i don't have it anymore.

lucius: do you really think i’m stupid enough to believe that lie?

snape: what lie?

lucius: that you have friends.

snape:

[sayssnape]

dumbledore: so we decided to bring in the one man who's an expert on dark magic.

snape: an expert on dark magic? do i know him?

dumbledore:

snape:

dumbledore:

snape: oh! right! that’s me, yes.

[sayssnape]

regulus: what's up, youtube? today we're going to do another unboxing video.

snape: [enters graveyard with a shovel in hand]

[sayssnape]

snape: i need to get some air.

lupin: there’s air in here.

snape: i don’t want your air.