153 days of survival
50/153
more than 30% of the time has passed. i can make it through the rest. september was me trying to somewhat fix my sleep schedule so basically just sleeping sleeping and sleeping. have not slept so much in such a long, long time. tried to stay as present as possible but did kind of leave my head every 2-3 days. has been quite the journey of doing nothing. have only one day to revise each unit lol honestly at this point i have simply accepted it. yes it makes me sad. but there is not much i can do. i will just have to roll with what my brain gives me. if it’s procrastinating and staring at screens without a single thought in my head, it is what it is. will be scheduling cry days for every 2 days again. have a nice day, week, month. thank u for reading this far, send a good thought and prayer. i am so attached to all of this it is hard to let go and give up but it is so important to know when to give things up. i am just sad and scared.
context: i am simply trying to survive my a2 exams which end on 18th of jan, 2024 and documenting this here to have some kind of responsibility. the frequency of my updates is well evident of my work.
link to previous post: https://www.tumblr.com/feelingcauliflower/728287215250276352/153-days-of-survival
25/153 How am I already done with day 25. Calculated that I did just about nothing for 10-ish days among these 25 days. I am still proud of
57/153
felt the entire spectrum of human emotions in an hour today. had kfc after so long today it doesn’t taste the same in this place. only 2 real whole days before first exam, so at most 4 hours of work. idk what i am doing what i have been doing when i gave up so deeply. i despise myself in this state.
60/153
have been sleeping scrolling and just girlrotting. planned some what to dos right before the exams, will try to get some things done before sludging off to sleep. have been trying to do daily check-ins and even mid-day checkins to keep myself accountable. even tho since im in a panickstressgoinginsane mode rn i know if i keep this practice up it will actually help me live better so there’s that. living for the hope for it all. at this moment when i have only so little time left i have come across so many things i want to go through, but i am still so grateful, i honestly want to come across more stuff and not miss out on revising anything which will make the exam even a little more bearable.
73/153
hi kind of stopped myself from posting updates in middle of exams BUT OFFICIALLY DONE WITH FIRST SET OF EXAMSSSSS!!!!!! trying so so fucking hard to be proud of myself for surviving. i am however quite relieved. babe wake up we’re halfway thru the marathon.
first exam was atrocious but figured i slept too less(and also did not fucking study at all let alone enough) spent the first few days of exam week frustrated over how i couldve had it all only if i put in SOME work it’s not even impossible or that hard in terms of like academic difficulty. but there we were again suffering from the consequences of my own inaction. the exams however ofc got progressively worse and then a bit better(those that hold least % in final grade ofc) but i am so grateful for them nonetheless. havent felt the joy of taking a ‘good’ exam in so, so long.
ok so let’s try thinking about how i feel. yesterday i was not being able to get back to the grind u know the exam week high but i know it will be difficult but i have to get it done anyways so i have to drill it in my head because most things if u want to do good at u have to do consistently u have to put in the work and it isnt sunshine and glitters every time but u HAVE to show up nonetheless. now coming back to how i feel i am scared and anxious and jittery had one too many coffees. i am slightly excited i want to be more excited. i am so scared of slacking this time too if that happens i will lose faith in myself again. no matter how stupid it sounds i may never forgive nyself it’s not about getting a bad grade more of how i can’t + don’t put in any work at all. i have gone through so much in the last couple years but never processed it all so on that aspect i am super proud of myself for just surviving but idk man. winters are always so hard i hope to cope better this time.
was am quite upset for the biggest Ls i took in bio, such shame, such shame. but hey we have another shot at this so spent one day begrudgingly and groggily on 5 hours of sleep with internet being cut off countrywide and scrolling yt shorts and then set out to study again, was very very distracted. so here are things i wish to do from today(it’s 2:30am) from after wake up:
- turn off my phone during study sessions + lock my door(unless someone is dying or the examiner themselves walk into my room the distraction is not worth it)
- NOT scroll IG TT FB YT
- meditate, stretch, move my body
- have max 1 cup of coffee
-wave sounds/brown noise
-mid-day checkins
cant think of the rest bye for now sending love
77/153
only 2.5 months left of a levels being over forever. today started terribly but ended quite beautifully. i was reminded of the importance of scheduling crying every 2 days. i also observed so much emotional growth jn myself, im so fucking proud. ive been studying a little everyday, 30 minutes of each unit. i am excited to start a new unit tomorrow, classes with new and my first ever tutor will also begin tomorrow. hoping for continued consistency and more efficiency. cheers to getting older and wiser.
101/153
52 days to go!!! have been staycationing at my khalamoni’s since a week or so. had lots of fun aas FINALLY able to catch up on the revision i missed during the whirlwind of a menstrual week. don’t feel like studying rn tho, will sit with physics again after a while. how r u? i am in the final stretch and so ready for it. just hope to be more ready academically as well. fighting!!
117/153
36 days to go!!! cant believe i am so near the end. hoping to savour every moment of this. have been slacking quite a bit, i am still working on improving my study skills and discipline. spicing up things a little today. let’s see how that goes.
127/153
have been more distracted than ever. trying to scrape together ever bit of sanity together to keep going, will focus more energy on doing instead of thinking✨
133/153
19 days to go!!! day 21 was goood studywise, day 20 slightly slacked but then covered it up a bit by the end. really proud of myself for how far i have come, i could NEVER have imagined this even in summer. feeling grateful for each and every little & big thing and person that helped me reach this position.
139/153
14 days to go wth man. trying to convince myself i tried my best but i know i didn’t. hoping to redeem in the finalest stretch. see u on the other side 🤞
148/153
5 days to go!!!! 4 units done. ONE MORE TO GO. really hoping to ace this last one. the rest were ok-ish. period week so hormones are treating me horribly having big L days right before exams. first 4 being back to back DID not help. but i am proud of the progress nevertheless and excited for it to be finally over. yesterday was the 4th one so went out then got a fever lol i woke up and planning my revision but did not sit yet today since fever again. now have another task after that planning to sit. we are yet again reminded of getting things done on time and absolutely crucial aspect of having crisis management plans
153/153
hello. 153 days are done. as expected flunked phys. not tpo upset as was expecting this. bio was borderline. can only pray for chem to be average and not too fucking horrible god. grateful that i get one more chance. the finale of the finale.
