[feelnofear]

i was at a convention all weekend and will probably take another day to rest before i go back to work tomorrow so activity might start off sporadic this month too but i’ll try to get back into a proper writing rhythm again soon

[robustdragonheart]

"The creatures out here seem to be far more docile then those in some of the different regions." The servant said before kneeling down to try and pick it up before it scuttled off back into the woods, a disappointed look across her face as she looked back towards the other. "...Of course not all of them seem to want to be acknowledged however."

But that wouldn't have stopped Mélusine from trying. Or anyone else who seemed to enjoy this type of thing. When one lived in such a loud place after awhile one would want some kind of peace and quiet. Unless they lived there in the first place, in which case places like these were more suited for them...

"Is that why you came out here? Or were you trying to get away from the hustle and bustle of everything else too."

@feelnofear | s.c

[feelnofear]

She's talkative in a way that seems to hold up most of the conversation without much input from him, mostly just continuing what he was doing before she had made her way over. If she was just curious about the wildlife then it was better to him then having someone scrutinizing him instead.

"If you know what they're like and have some patience with the shyer ones, they might come to you if you're lucky. Or if you can figure out what food entices them, even if they won't take it directly from you." He supplies in what he thinks is helpful. "...But a lot of 'em are skittish of people."

He's used to observing and learning about wildlife, having spent more time among animals then people over the years the moment he was free to do so.

As for the answer to her question... which he wasn't trying to put off answering... he nods absently as he watches a small snail moving across the ground in front of him. "Both. I like it here better, with the animals, and the city's too loud. Too crowded."

Too confining.

[existentialismee]

".. thank you," the words came out gently, after a brief moment of silence; watching as Dys worked on the fire before them. Mugetsu peeked out of Watanuki's collar just as the dancing flames came to life; feeling the slight heat against his frame as he sat, the thermos still in his hands, waiting.

Waiting.

A realization he remembered having as Dys' life slowly slipped through his fingers. Watching, waiting, as each breath slowly left his chest for the last time. Watanuki had spent the last decade of his life sitting, waiting, watching-- praying for the one person he could no longer have to come back to him. It was his fate to do so, something he'd accepted long ago; to remain stagnant, standing still in time, never aging, never changing.

But he had, here. So much had changed for him every time he was brought to this world-- yet this time felt as if it had more weight than the rest. A realization that if he changed, if he aged, if he no longer waited.. if he filled his days with other people, with living like a human, she would not be disappointed in him. She would not think he'd forgotten her.

He was always allowed this-- to take up space in other's lives, to be among the living with them. He didn't have to wait anymore-- not for this.

".. it isn't, no." It didn't surprise Watanuki how quickly the other man caught on, his expression near placid as the flames before them danced within the reflection of his glasses; obscuring the look in his eyes. The shopkeeper had no intention of pretending that the oncoming conversation would have no weight to it, however; no longer hesitating as he spoke. "My apologies. For some time now, whenever we managed to cross paths.. I worried what my presence might do to you. How uncomfortable I might make you, considering the last time we saw one another. After what happened to you, I did not want to put you through any other painful interaction-- yet I believe I've been doing that, unintentionally. I'd like for that to end today."

It was then that Watanuki fully turned to face Dys after he'd stood, baring to him an expression without a mask; no smiles, no coy remarks, no hidden intentions. It was simply Watanuki who sat before him now.

"I do not regret granting your wish. It is what you wanted from me at the time, even if in the end, you had to endure something horrific. I regret that time-- after you'd died in my arms, remaining stagnant as a spirit. Something that this world should have had no capability in doing to anyone. To watch you, to be unable to do anything but keep you company-- regardless of how little we knew one another at the time, it still brought me great pain."

He hadn't been able to step foot in that room in the shop since. He was grateful that Hanabi and Shadow chose to occupy other spaces-- to walk through the doors there, to stand where this life was lost.. no matter how much time passed, Watanuki was certain he would feel the weight of that day for a very long time.

"But I do not want to dwell on what happened forever. I want to accept it wholeheartedly. I accept my part in it, and even if I wish I could admit otherwise.. I accept that I could do nothing to help you. I do not want to let the air between us remain this way-- uncertain, trepidatious. I've gone out of my way to make sure I am never a burden to you again, yet it feels wrong to continue to avoid you. To live on, acting as if what happened never did."

It was then that Watanuki paused briefly, to unscrew the cap of the thermos in his hands. He poured a singular cup, steam rising into the air as the warm liquid rippled quietly; a faint scent of ginger wafting between the two. Before he began to speak again, he found himself back on his feet; now fully facing Dys, as he handed the cup towards him.

Waiting.

"I want to know you, Dys. Even if you feel more comfortable keeping me at arm's length, even if you do not want the same.. I want to take the chance to reach out to you. I want to hear how you feel-- whether you can accept this from me, or whether you want nothing to do with me. I will respect your choice, no matter what you say. But I.."

".. if I do not try, here and now.. I feel that it will be something I regret for the rest of my life."

[feelnofear]

This got heavy fast, but that much doesn’t surprise him. What happened then— vague memory of it or not— was still a major event. His most vivid memory of it is breathing his last breath, and the time shortly before his break down.

After that everything really did feel like a messy blur of strong emotions, from a spiteful, angry, unsettled spirit that he felt disconnected from. A remnant of himself but certainly not one that was fully there after panic took him over.

Dys breathes in, then breathes out deeply. Even though he doesn’t know what it means to feel fear, he still always feels like a coward when facing problems that involve other humans. Now is not an exception.

What is he even supposed to say?

It’s clear from just listening though, that despite all the grief and pain Dys has managed to cause Watanuki already, that the other doesn’t actually want this distance between them. Even if Dys himself continues to act distant. It isn’t a clingy sort of bond that he gets from this: not like the people at the colony pushing past all his boundaries and trying to force past all his barriers no matter what he does or how many times he runs away.

Watanuki is… it’s different somehow. He doesn’t understand how, or understand his thought process.

Something’s definitely different about him right now though.

And Dys has a million questions going through his mind. But…

“I guess I was hoping to avoid this conversation altogether.” He sighs out, even as he moves just enough to take the cup. He holds it for now, letting it warm his hands even though he isn’t chilled.

“You’ve got more patience than anyone else ever bothered to have with me. You know I’ve been staying away on purpose, right?”

If not, well. He does now.

…

But it does feel like they’re too deep into this conversation now to just leave it alone.

“I just.” He grips the cup tightly, looking like he’s actually struggling for words this time. There’s a lot he could probably say with strong emotions bubbling under the surface of his control.

“I don’t even remember much, beyond a few things. Pain. Breathing my last breath in front of you. And then it gets… blurry. I remember the feeling. No pain after that, but panic and anger. It felt more like I was watching it happen from the outside than actually experiencing whatever the fuck any of that was.

And now it’s like some weird dread settles in whenever I see you, but not as much as I feel when I see that building or go back to that ward. I don’t know how to explain it beyond that.”

…

“And I didn’t do anything for you but cause you grief every time we meet like this so I just can’t understand why you’d even want to be near me. I really doubt you even got anything good out of granting my apparent wish.”

Stars. This is not the easiest despite his usual resolve to push people away. Maybe he’s gotten too soft in a way, in no small way influenced by people already cracking his cold exterior over the last ten years. In some way it’d be nice for the loneliness to end after he got ripped away from his friends and family just as he was making progress.

He’s not going to voice those thoughts though, instead continuing with:

“…And knowing I did actually die, I shouldn’t even be here. That should have been it. There’s no second chance, or that’s what I always believed until a certain point anyway.

But I guess,” He gestures between himself and Watanuki, “That’s technically what this is. That us standing here talking is proof of another possibility.”

Before that, his only real knowledge about that possibility were vague conversations about what might have been time loops and contact with aliens that could create new bodies as needed. He definitely can’t say any of that.

“Also don’t turn me into some pity case to make yourself feel better about what happened in my first life.”

Everything he’s saying feels all over the place but ending his own spiel like that feels like the best option, to ensure this isn’t just a pity party and that he’s not being led on by false niceties.

Either way, it’s probably the most he’s talked in months. This is what prompts him to actually sip the hot tea finally, then he clears his throat awkwardly in some attempt to dispel the discomfort lingering in it.

[existentialismee]

It was that simple, fleeting moment of something more on Dys' face that broke away the stone wall over the shopkeeper's own expression; unable to help but smile slightly as his eyes trailed towards the ground below them. He couldn't be certain what it was that the young man was trying to keep hidden-- most likely not a smile, or a laugh from the things Watanuki had said. Perhaps it was a memory, rippling through him now that he had found Dys once more; standing before him for the first time in months.

Something he did not want to face, perhaps. Something he'd rather forget.

But Watanuki had not expected this visit to go off without any hiccups. He expected the uncomfortable air between them, the uncertainty in Dys' eyes-- wondering what exactly Watanuki wanted with him, why he decided to come around at all.

He hoped to answer that, of course.. but it would take some coaxing, he was beginning to realize.

"Then I'll wait until you are. This was my attempt at a peace offering, if that wasn't obvious-- I made the food with you in mind. It'd be wrong to eat it without you."

He looked towards the fire pit, however; noting a small stump just off to the side of it. The shopkeeper walked towards it, taking a seat before pulling a silver flask out of his bag.

"At the very least, would you have some tea with me? It's in a thermos, so you won't need to heat it up. But perhaps the fire would be nice to have, anyways."

He removed the detachable cups from the thermos, waiting for Dys' answer before he poured. Yet even as the honest side of Watanuki began to bleed through, there was still hesitance in him lingering; the tips of his fingers lightly tapping against the warm metal in his hand.

".. I realize that it may be difficult to be near me. Please don't think I'm purposefully trying to be inconsiderate, but.." he paused momentarily, thinking on his words before looking towards the man again. ".. I hope you will humour me, even if you are only willing to give me a small moment of your time."

[feelnofear]

A peace offering? Dys' brows raise, though that fact is fully hidden beneath messy bangs that are also beginning to get too long. He's not used to this sort of behavior for the most part, beyond maybe the couple of friends he'd made back in the colony dragging him out of hiding to eat and hydrate from time to time.

But Watanuki was someone that, from his own perspective at least, he barely knew. Even if he had seen him at his most vulnerable, a memory that's vague to Dys now but definitely somewhere there at the back of his mind. A trauma that clings to him.

His weight shifts from foot to foot before he moves, a little rigid in stature, throwing some wood into the makeshift fire pit and avoiding the other's gaze for the time being.

"I'll light it. It's not a perfect solution, but it keeps some wildlife at bay, at least." Lest they run into trouble out here, although most of the time Dys hadn't had too much issue with it. He just hadn't exactly chosen the safest place to camp after ditching his original site in Cotes and mostly refusing to stay in his home there.

He arranges the larger pieces of wood neatly, adds some kindling twigs on top, and crouches as he carefully lights it with a couple long matches.

He tips his head to the side as he watches flames dance to life slowly as he works, then side eyes Watanuki with his brows furrowed now instead. He's got tea of his own that he could brew, but not made out of anything he'd want to feed someone else.

But before he can ask what type Watanuki has brought along, he's distracted by the continued conversation at which point he can't hold back his deepened frown.

"This isn't a casual visit." Dys mumbles at first, stretching out before standing up. "...Whatever this is about, I'd rather get it over with now then delay it. I don't want to have to dance around anything or feel like I'm walking on eggshells." Voice still quiet, but at least properly audible now. He's definitely not fully above avoidance still considering how long he'd lasted without contact with people he knew from here, but he also knows realistically it'll get him nowhere at a certain point, even if he feels like his whole body is screaming at him to run away by this point. To put distance between himself and... this. To put a stop to it before he ends up hurting someone who seems to care in the same way he'd unintentionally hurt people countless times before.

But that never worked in the colony, and it wasn't working here either, apparently. People were just emotional beings, and he couldn't prevent that part ever. Why did attachment always seem inevitable?

[anikiofthesea]

“On the land I tread, tattoos are set upon the skin of criminals, but I’m not a man fit to cast judgments. Few of my own men sport ink of past wrongs, and I would trust them with my life still.” He shifts his weight, allowing his gaze to wander. “Indeed, what would a pirate have to care of such things - even so it is a heavy choice. And one that…within the throes of war, I’ve no time at all to make.”

His brows furrow at the thought. Again his mind wanders to the state of things in his absence. “Such work, seen as art rather than a brand, is audacious. Yet a view I welcome!”

“What is your name?"

[feelnofear]

Oh. Yeah. Of course. Go figure. Humans always found ways to ruin good things, didn't they? His expression turns a bit sour, although he casts his gaze more toward the ground as if trying not to let that be seen too clearly.

"That's fucked up." He says bluntly, pressing his fingers firmly into his arms where he's crossed them again. "Tattoos are art. Anyone should be able to have them, instead of it being used as a way to single a group out."

Then he exhales deeply, trying to settle himself before he answers the actual question the other has asked. If it hadn't been brought up, Dys probably wouldn't have even remembered to introduce himself at all.

"It's Dys." He supplies after a slightly too long silence. "...I don't think I caught your name either?" Unless it did come up, and he just forgot which could be embarrassing but well. Only one way to find out.

[feelnofear]

mostly just a lot of personal life update stuff so it'll be under the cut for medical stuff and whatnot

a while ago i spoke with a doctor and the general consenus rn is that i might have gallstones that have been causing me all kinds of horrible pain, which i have managed to keep from happening too much just through adjusting my eating habits but realistically i figure if it happens to be true when i go for my ultrasound, i might end up needing to get something done about it and i'm afraid that the only answer will end up being surgery

which to me is an even bigger setback and i'm afraid it's gonna make things difficult for a bit if they choose that as my only option to deal with the issue at hand

i at least am happy i could get some sort of potential idea of what's wrong and start to actually try and get it diagnosed fully but it's also just causing me a lot of stress lately!

i'm gonna hope for the best and to not to have to go through anything too major or scary but it's something i won't know the details of until my appointment later this month probably

[feelnofear]

Dys is crouched down, staring at his hand intently, where a small frog has perched and seems perfectly content for the time being. It's not the sort of wildlife he's overly familiar with, making him fascinated to watch it as he tries to stay as still as possible while it's there.

[existentialismee]

The silence lingered for what seemed like hours-- traces of his voice almost hanging heavily in the air, as Watanuki waited for some sort of response. He waited, and waited, and waited; a cool breeze brushing past the pants of his qipao, rustling the few strands of bangs across his eyes. Mugetsu eventually appeared, popping his head out of Watanuki's collar; whining in a questioning manner, as if asking whether or not Dys was really there.

Watanuki couldn't be certain, of course. He couldn't see into the tent just beyond his reach, but he dared not take a step further, just in case he was. The point of his visit certainly wasn't to scare him away, so he'd continue to stand there in the silence; until a faint rustling caught both the shopkeeper and his familiar's ears.

Though something in his eyes brightened, Watanuki's expression remained relatively the same; stagnant, unmoving, perhaps almost cautious. Yet it was a great relief to see the young man before him, his greeting certainly did not sound as though he felt the same; Mugetsu giving off a gentle kyuu in worry, while Watanuki reached up to stroke the back of his head.

"Plenty, I would think," he answered simply, lowering his hand once more to adjust the bag hanging over his other arm. "It's been a while since you've been back, hasn't it? Perhaps you've experienced new things-- I know I certainly have."

"Though, that's not something either one of us needs to get into immediately," he lifted his arm, attempting to show the other his peace offering. "I brought some food with me. A bento, among other things. Have you eaten yet today? There's enough for both of us to share."

[feelnofear]

Plenty. Yeah. Of course.

He should have definitely expected that too.

Dys inhales a deep breath, crossing both arms instead now as he eyes Watanuki with each movement. Very briefly his gaze drops onto the basket he’s got with him, before his eyes narrow as he looks up to search his face.

“You’re not… wrong?” He mumbles, rubbing at his mouth and nose clumsily in something of an uneasy response to hide the small twitch of his lips that almost betray too much emotion. Some part of him is still trying to figure out a way out of this.

What has happened since he got thrown back here though? When he tries to think about it, it’s mostly a weird blur of things at the moment. He can’t think, let alone gather his thoughts back together.

“I’ll level with you though: I’m not hungry. You can eat.” Half a lie. He did just manage to scarf something down, but part of it is in… distrust is too strong a word, maybe. More like he was simply guarded at the moment. He does point at his makeshift firepit, tacking on: “So… I can start it up. If you want to heat food or something.”

There’s a lack of chairs though, since Dys usually just sits on the ground when it’s going and he doesn’t entertain visitors.

[anikiofthesea]

His smile grew wide as he delighted in the compliment to his tastes and puffed his chest in lighthearted pride. “Back in Shikoku, I am called as such - the Sea Devil! Ogre of the West!” He brings a fist to his chest and pounds the place over his heart.

“There you have it then -! it is decided! Scars make for fine memories, but ink makes for a far less dangerous story.”

[feelnofear]

He gives a thoughtful frown before looking back at his company through his bangs, pushing them somewhat out of his eyes.

“I guess it does… yeah.”

At least he feels fairly settled on a choice now. Now all he has to do is consider what he wants more specifically rather than just jumping in blindly. Maybe he should get to designing some ideas of his own again soon.

“So…” He nods his head toward the other man, “What’s stopping you from getting one now? A tattoo, I mean.”

[blightsbite]

❝ Wait, wait—so you designed it too? ❞ Vanth brings his gaze in closer, following the inked swirls the stranger traces over his arm. That makes the tattoo at least three times as impressive to Vanth, who has hardly a creative bone in his body. ❝ After, what—aliens, you said? That's so fucking cool… ❞

Once the man tucks his arms back over his chest, Vanth stands up and back, tapping an unsure finger against his lopsided mouth. ❝ See, that's where I get totally hung up. It's like, suddenly I got no idea what I want on my skin forever! ❞ Vanth turns his wrist around and extends it for the other to see. Beneath his jacket sleeve, there's a peek of gauze bandages: injuries he continuously sustains as a price for Yophiel's presence in him. ❝ Also, I have less free real estate on my body. I'm always banged up on my arms and stuff. I guess if I got, I dunno, a smiley face on my ass that'd probably stay intact. ❞

[feelnofear]

“Yeah. Feels more… like. Personal that way. I don’t have the book I drew it in, so I can’t show off the originals.” But there’s nothing he can do about that now, since he’s pretty sure it got lost at some point. “But yeah, that is what I said. Spent a lot of time out in nature learning about a ton of alien life forms, so it felt like the right fit.”

He huffs out what’s barely a laugh.

“No one’s gonna see an ass tattoo, though, are they?” Then again… “Eh. The people you’d want to see it would though, I guess. Anyway, if you’re serious about it look at inspiration pics or scribble out some ideas ‘til you come up with something that just looks and feels right. I did the latter.”

[feelnofear]

i don’t have an in depth post but with how dys felt about going to school in general it’s possible he’d hate going to university/the urge to skip out might stick with him under normal circumstances

but i could maybe pivot that to him being invested into like, art or something with AU stuff but refusing to follow any set guidelines and just doing whatever he feels like, shows up whenever he wants, etc

[feelnofear]

Dys is crouched staring intently at a small patch of flowers, one of them tucked behind his ear but the rest untouched as he sketches them out in his notebook.

[feelnofear]

hello i was down for the count for a lot longer then i thought i would be and am only just starting to feel a little better compared to before so i might take a bit to get back to normal activity

but will try to have some drafts worked on at least and will feel out posting them somewhere between monday and wednesday

[feelnofear]

time will tell but i might have caught a cold or something so i’m going to try to rest it off as much as possible 🤧

[existentialismee]

–  ( ❀; @feelnofear )

To leave the shop felt strange, for the first time in quite a while; nearly hesitating most of the morning until the man finally willed himself to take the first few steps through the gate. He knew everything would be fine, but all the same, the effects of the dream Watanuki had recently were still lingering within him; not wanting to miss a moment with the people he cared for.. not wanting to waste a chance to still be in their lives.

Though it was that very same thought that dragged him out that day, past the warm, welcoming woods of Airaisal, until he eventually found himself in the Mistwood. A place he tended to avoid most of the time-- but if he didn't go there today, he feared he might never again see who he was looking for.

With a basket hanging off his arm, and Mugetsu securely wrapped around his collar bones, Watanuki walked the woods for what seemed like hours; assuring his companion that all was well, that they would find who they were looking for shortly. And it seemed fate would deem that so, as the shopkeeper stumbled upon someone's camp; pausing a few feet away, steadying himself before he spoke into the air.

"Dys.. are you here?"

"It's Watanuki. I'd like to speak with you, if that's alright."

[feelnofear]

Dys had been wholly avoidant of people in the last couple months following his return, any runs in the city to his actually designated home done quickly with as little small talk as possible before he headed back to the Mistwood for as long as was possible at a time.

Rarely did anyone search him out out this way as far as he could tell - unsurprising considering he hadn’t contacted anyone since his return either.

Even he knows avoidance only gets him so far, though.

It was probably a matter of time until something like this happened.

So when he hears the familiar voice outside his tent, it’s not exactly a surprise. Maybe it was bound to happen eventually.

Does it make it any easier? He doesn’t think so. After so long of trying to stay clear of Watanuki completely, the other has come to find him. Why he would is beyond Dys. If this had happened back home, he’s sure almost no one would have bothered coming to find him.

And maybe if that had been the case he could have just stayed under the radar, made them think he was MIA — it didn’t work quite as easily that way here.

Dys drags the silence out for so long, sitting on the tent floor staring at the door with conflict of whether he wants to say anything or not. Or if he even wants to come out at all.

Eventually he drags out a long sigh before he does step out, zipping the tent behind him before he stands up with his shoulders hunched and bangs obscuring his face as much as possible. He doesn’t want someone in his tent but he’d be a coward to hide behind it the whole time.

“Why?” Is the first word out of his mouth, fingers coming up to tug at the end of his bangs, straight and to the point. “What’s there to talk about?”

[blightsbite]

❝ Whoaaa, SICK tats!!! ❞

❝ That's like, what—a quarter sleeve?! I've been thinking I wanna get one too but I'm sooo indecisive! How'd you decide yours? Huh? ❞ @feelnofear — maybe the word 'cryptid' right above my backside. how bout it???

[feelnofear]

“…I guess? It’s been a while and I don’t remember the terms or whatever for it.”

He shrugs a shoulder and extends his arm to trace over the patterns. “…Being serious though, I wanted it to be like… patterns sorta resembling the alien plant life I saw all the time. And I drew so many drafts before I was happy with my ideas before I even let anyone near me to tattoo my arm.” He folds his arms close now instead. “You literally just have to think it over and REALLY narrow it down to something you definitely want, I think. Look at tons of inspiration and pictures. Stuff like that.”

[anikiofthesea]

Motochika’s boyish smirk grew as he’d fold his arms and shift his weight slightly. He listened and hummed his reply. “It sounds to me that you are closer to a decision than not.”

Motochika himself harbored no tattoos, no piercings - he could speak on no such experiences, but his body did carry scars. His own sort of permanent reminders of battles survived. Would it be enough to relate? “Do you speak of healing, which took forever? Would you claim the wait to be worth it? Surely so if you humor another.”

“I cannot speak on the art you choose. Simply that it ought to hold meaning. The weight of that meaning is up to you.” He paused for a moment, considering what, if he were given the choice, to embellish his body with. Suddenly, he is beaming.

“Heh! For instance, I would choose an ogre! Fierce in face! To my chest, so that I may never lose it!”

[feelnofear]

“Your idea sounds badass.”

At least in his opinion. He wouldn’t choose it as a tattoo for himself, he thinks, but seeing it on someone else would be cool.

“The healing and the time to actually get it done takes a while if it’s something huge, so, I mean? Yeah?”

But still:

“I’d still do it again, I don’t care if it takes forever, I think just having something more permanent as a part of myself is meaningful. It’s one of the few things that is actually permanent.”