THE NEW GIRL IN TOWN: A GUIDE ON GETTING TO KNOW THEM
AN UNFORGETTABLE KISS — THIS BEAUTY NEWLY — AN INTOXICATING BLISS — WHO’S THIS PRETTY? — ONLY YOURS TRULY
FE - LI - CI -TY
TAKE A LOOK AT THE ALBUMS & DON'T MISS OUT ON HER NEW SINGLES: ich bewahre viele dinge in meinem herzen auf (deshalb ist mein herz so schwer) | come on rude boy | make yourself at home (in my heart)
NEW SONG: er liebt mich, er liebt mich nicht
EVERYTHING U NEED TO KNOW: carrd • before you stan • list of no-go's • fan-interactions from @felinteract • co-owner of the @d1strict99 label
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
THOUGHTS ON THE FIC: RUIN THE FRIENDSHIP — A LOOK INTO FELICITY’S MESSY THOUGHTS
REGARDING THIS FIC
As said in the content warnings i like to hc sae on the spectrum, however he’s undiagnosed. I don’t try to explicitly mention it and point it out by being like “look! see! user felibrary said that sae itoshi is autistic you can read it in this fic and she's confirming it” because no I’m not. I just LIKE to hc him as autistic because of certain behavior he shows, however it is up to everyone’s own interpretation so don’t take mine and run with it.
StilI I do try to hint at certain behaviors he displays in my fic.
For example, Sae does not understand new information that doesn’t align with what he knows (he thought reader liked him, is confused to see them with someone else).
He doesn’t understand that keeping in touch is important for reader, he’s straight to the point and even tho he might not pick up every social cue he does know reader and is annoyed by their “bad habits” and I like to think that even though a lot of the people on the spectrum tend to like their alone time a lot, there are people you definitely feel more comfortable around with yeah.
And I also wanted to portray reader and Sae’s relationship as realistic as possible that reader has their flaws and sae has his too and because of the time they have spent apart they couldn't really resolve them or work around them and kinda have to do it now and now it’s also easier for both of them because they’re older and thought about each other. Reader because of his mother’s words and how they treated him and Sae coming to the conclusion he likes reader.
At the airport I’m thinking he didnt wanna say like “yeah i love you” but he knows that he feels different for reader in like a good way
Also I wanted to cut the fic short a bit at the beginning and end it after the confession but thought playing into saes “territorial” traits would be good too so we don’t just get to see reader but also see that sae feels strongly about them too. From personal experience ive had someone who couldn’t discern lies when people told them (not to say that every person on the spectrum displays this behavior) and i wanted to kind of add that too, so like taking things literally at face, but because sae knows you and knows your bad habits, he knows you’re lying and that’s why he hates it.
I personally really liked writing the miscommunications between sae and reader especially as children. Because it shows how these problems transcend childhood and are things sae and reader have to work on.
I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t self projecting a bit, but I had moments where I was really hurt (however i also have adhd and my rejection sensitivity dysphoria goes brr and am quite sensitive) because someone couldn't read the room or in between the lines and could tell what I want or see how what they did or what they said hurt me and I didn’t want to tell them because it made me feel humiliated. Only later when you talk about these things, you realize it’s uncomfortable for both sides and I want to portray that too. Both struggle from not understanding the other. And I liked using the word "difficult" because it felt fitting. Reader wasn't difficult in the sense that they were pissing Sae off but because Sae just couldn’t understand them, and thenhe got frustrated and because he didn’t figure them out easily he found them difficult. (Does that make sense?)
Again to remind everyone it’s a headcanon and autism is a spectrum and I just like to hc Sae as on the spectrum, but even without that interpretation you can enjoy the fic !!
My brain is kinda mush right now but if you guys have any questions or like to point out things you liked id be super happy!! super happy to receive and answer questions <33
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
PANGARAP LANG KITA / YOU’RE JUST MY DREAM ft. phainon
the three things that went wrong in this date and the one thing that didn’t ; alternatively, phainon intends to confess to you in the most romantic way possible but things go left.
CONTENT TAGS & WARNING — established relationship, modern!au, fluff, confessions, pining, yearning so much yearning, reader is wearing heels, phainon’s pov focus, mentions of anxiety, minor themes of self-hatred and insecurity (phainon), first date gone wrong, handholding, word vomit | wc: 3.2k
[TEA99 EVENT] AN ORDER OF… azul’s special blend of lemon fruit tea with honey in a blue cup, served with a slice of chocolate pistachio kunafa cake !! (of course, i’m doing my blend, i’m biased for myself; also that’s my favorite tea and dessert)
DIRECTOR’S NOTES — i’m a firm believer for d1 yearner phainon
what's next? navigation | masterlist
PHAINON had everything planned.
From the invitation and to the very last moment where he was going to confess his feelings for you, he had it all written down and noted.
There was the strong need to ensure that things will go smoothly. He wasn’t simply going to stand before you and declare his feelings like some madman who knows nothing of propriety and the essence of what makes the worth of devotion. Phainon was no stranger to courtship and confessions despite the lack of his experience as you are the first and only recipient of his affections, but he intends to make the grand revelation of it special. Even if it means he was going to be rejected in the end.
(But he pray for it to not be the case.)
He have witnessed adoration between his parents who seem to cannot be stopped in the public display of their affection and he have seen it on televisions late at night when he has nothing to watch, so to say that he was unfamiliar with the ways of love would be a lie in it itself; to say that he also doesn’t yearn for such would be another lie.
Phainon adored you more than he could admit to himself and even if he did, no words will be enough to fill the vessel of affection that he held dear for you. Everything he would try to say and think of would fall short to the rot of his ribs, to the light in his gaze, to the existence of you. Your whole being alone stands as evidence that stars have perished to create the shape of you, bringing your atoms closer to him, and yet, in the hours when the world slept and his guard dissolved like frost, he let himself imagine that the space between your breaths was a home he had been seeking across every lifetime.
He would not dare be greedy to ask even a caress of your light, but if the universe were merciful enough to let him orbit your gravity without burning, he would spend eternity as your silent moon—content to reflect what he could never hold, faithful to a warmth he would never taste, and thankful for the sheer mercy of being allowed to exist in the same constellation as you.
It was an understatement to use the word serious despite it was for something that definitely fits the definition of it. To Phainon, it was so serious that he had to resort consulting Aglaea for his affairs, believing the wiser lady would bring him knowledge that he had not thought of.
“The most romantic place to eat in Okhema?” The golden-haired designer repeats as her head tilts slightly, pondering, but what came out of her mouth was not an answer but another question: “Why do you ask?”
“I’m just curious, is all.” He says rather quickly as he scratches the back of his head, averting his gaze down the ground. Under this light and with that expression on his face, he looks like a puppy that have been caught by its owner doing something he ought not to do.
“It’s about [Name], isn’t it?”
“What? Is it that obvious?”
The golden-haired woman chuckles, clearly having seen through Phainon’s attempt of nonchalance earlier.
“It was merely a jest, but it seems like you’re too honest for your own good.”
So serious that he read romantic books in preparation.
“What are you reading?”
“Nothing!” He scrambled to hide the book behind his back, afraid that the feline-like woman would figure out what was in his hand. Cipher have always had sharp eyes, after all.
So serious that he practiced his lines in front of a mirror before cringing and burying his face in his hands, wondering what in the worlds is he doing.
“I must have gone crazy.”
Phainon had it all planned for weeks. It was not in his character to be meticulous, but it felt like he had to. If he doesn’t have these things planned, he’s worried that he’ll end up stumbling on a rock and messing everything up, then he’ll lose all of his chances, and what would you even think of him? A coward that can’t get his feelings out and straight? A witless man who doesn’t know how to romance another? A fool that only knows how to make you smile and be a gentleman?
He framed his invitation to you as something with the keywords of: dinner, celebration, and his treat. “Dinner” because he was planning on confessing during the night when the fireworks come and it’s the best time to do it; “celebration”? for what? He only said something about something good had happened and how he intends to share it with his “dear” partner; “his treat”, after all, how could he have you spend for your food when he was the one who took you out? Even so, he’ll never make you pay or split the bill.
(In your view, this was just your usual hangout with him, but to him, it was a date. His first date with you and you're unaware of it.)
He had all of it planned from the invitation and to his very confession.
Except none of his plans came into fruition.
It’s not that he chickened out, had cold feet, or run away. It was never any of those things. Hell, that never came to his mind. It’s just that everything in the universe seems to be working hand in hand to destroy everything he had built for this moment.
First, it was the flowers. Oh, a bouquet of your favorite flowers, intricate in all its details and selective in the overall arrangement of it to ensure that you would love it. Unfortunately, the flower shop that he had planned to pick it up from burned down in the middle of a night and he only knew of it when he went there, and saw the charred remains of what once was the store.
Although, he wasn’t mad at all. It’s not like there was some kind of superman that could prevent something like that in happening. He was only relieved that the workers were safe and no one was harmed in the incident. Besides, it’s not like it’s not the only flower shop in town.
It is.
It was the only flower shop in town.
Phainon, not wanting to be late, had to compromise and rushed to the restaurant with no bouquet in hand. It’s okay, he tells himself, everything is still going to be okay, he convinces the voices inside his head. He’s off to a really rough start and he’s not liking it already—anxiety easily weaves through the gaps of his fingers, consuming the thoughts of his thoughts. Red, green, turn left, stop, brakes, park his car, turn off the engine; every movement of his had become mechanical except for his sigh that seemed to draw from the well of his very humane worries.
By the time he had arrived, you were already there, standing outside in all your grace and charm, looking as beautiful as ever despite the restaurant lights only illuminating your figure. He stood still there, a man who cannot be moved, captured by your radiance as you remained unaware of his presence until he gathered the very little of his courage and shame to call for your name.
Just your smile as soon as you recognized him was enough to make him forget of his frustrations and when you took his hand in yours to hold—a gesture too intimate yet had become normal between you and him, but doesn’t reduced the warmth of it—, he forgot what he was even worrying about. Right, right, right, it will all be fine. Everything will be okay and fine, until it is not.
Second, it was the restaurant.
Phainon had booked a reservation in advance for a spot in the balcony that allows you to have a view of the city and the stars outside. However, when he walked in with you and asked, it seems there was no reservation under his name. How could that be? He had called in days prior and confirmed his booking; he had even provided proof of it and yet, there was nothing.
All he got was an apology from the host and a compensation which came in a mere form of: “We’ll provide a free dessert and drink for the error.”
Great. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do, he could only turn to you and apologize, asking if you’re okay with the new arrangements. If you would rather eat somewhere else, then he is okay with it too. He didn’t mind if the inconvenience was to him, as long as you weren’t affected, as long as it wasn’t you being inconvenienced.
In the end, you wanted to eat in that restaurant you and him would always eat at; that one restaurant that you would turn to in every occasion of your life. You wanted something familiar, something warm, something soothing, and you wanted his hand, too, so he gave it to you as long as you gave yours to him.
Third, the lake.
The lake that the two of you will go to as Phainon smiled warmly, telling you that he wants to take you somewhere as you finished eating. The lake that had the best spot to see the fireworks. The lake where he will confess his feelings to you just as the blaring sound of the fireworks explode overhead, painting the night sky in bursts of colors. His voice, usually so steady, wavers just slightly as he says your name like it's the answer to a question he's been asking himself for months.
The reflections of light dance across the water's surface, mirroring the flutter in his chest, and when he turns to face you fully, the last of the sparks fizzle into silence, leaving only the soft lap of waves and the tremor of his words: "I've been wanting to tell you this for so long, and I couldn't think of a better place than right here, with the stars above us and the lake beneath us, because you make everything feel this vast and this beautiful." He would squeeze your hand, his smile softer than the moonlight, and before the next rocket even leaves its trail, he whispers the three words that make the entire world fall away.
But of course, none of this happened, because as it turns out, the lake had been off-limits to the public for a crime investigation.
Thus now, you’re walking along the path of the park, dimly lit with the few light sources here and there. Phainon has been silent for a while now, seemingly deep in thought as he walks beside you. He looks… slumped? Disappointed? Frustrated? You can’t really pinpoint the exact center of his emotions, not when he seems so close yet so far at this moment.
There is a turmoil in his thoughts that resembled a hurricane wrecking everything in its way. Is this it? Is this really it? Will all of his weeks of planning fall away just like that? Has all of his efforts gone naught like that? Is that all he can do then? Let something as flimsy as the universe undermine the vastness of his feelings for you?
“Phai, wait.”
Your voice pulls him out of his trance as you held on to his arm. When he turns to look at you, he sees you bending and reaching for your heels as if wanting to take it off. It doesn’t take much for him to figure out why.
“Does your feet hurt?” Still, he asks, concern lacing with his tone as he guides you to a nearby bench instead, making you sit down while he kneels on the ground before you.
“Yeah.” You can only say. It feels embarrassing now; all of his attention easily pours into you like liquid to an empty goblet. He takes off your footwear before carefully setting it on the ground. Thankfully, he has prepared for something like this to happen—he takes out a small box of bandaid from the pocket of his pants.
You’re so reliable, you want to say, but the heavy and tense atmosphere stops you from doing so. Instead, it was Phainon that speaks for the both of you and his words weren’t something that you have expected him to utter.
“I’m sorry,” he sounds guilty and the way he gently tends to the small blisters of your skin feels almost like an apology, too. “I didn’t want things to go this way.”
He must sound so pathetic in your ears now. A sorry-excuse of a person who cannot even do anything right.
“Phai, none of it is your fault, okay? None of us expected for the reservation to not come through and besides, how would we have known someone was going to steal the swan figurines on the lake?”
That was true; none of you would have known. But also, that wasn’t just it. That wasn’t just all of it and right now, in this moment of you and him, he wants to spill everything he’s been hiding. He’s always known within himself that secrets are something that he can never keep from you—from you who is able to untangle him easily, who reads the falter between his syllables.
“I had a bouquet prepared too.”
“Huh?”
“But the flower shop burned down.”
“Phai, really,” you laugh softly and it eases off some of the weight on his shoulders, “you’re pretty unlucky today, huh?”
“Don’t laugh.” Even if your laugh is the sound he is fond of. Phainon is pouting now and you see that he’s less tense compared to earlier, which makes you feel relieved too. You pat the empty space on the bench beside you and he easily understood what you’re trying to say.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.”
“Besides, I like you too.”
“What?”
You turn to look at him, grinning. Your eyes sparkled brighter than the stars above you and aeons, titans, heavens, there is no words to capture your beauty. He adores you so much that it would consume him until all that is left is the marrow of his bones, but it will never be enough. No, nothing will be enough, not even him.
“You’re not entirely… how do I say this? You’re not really good at hiding things or maybe,” you begin, trying to find the right words scrambled on the feet beneath you, picking up the letters until it finally forms into a proper sentence: “You’re just way too honest.”
You’re too honest for your own good, Aglaea’s words echoed inside his head.
He sighs, “that’s another thing that I screwed up then.” And you hum, tilting your head, questioning him what he means by it, to which he simply resolves your confusion with: “I haven’t even told you of my feelings and you even beat me to it.” He doesn’t look angry, only disappointed at himself but only for a brief moment as a knowing smile tugs on the corner of his lips. He should have known you and how you also know him the same.
“Who’s to say you cannot say it now?” You beam at him, legs swinging off the ground as if an excited kid who's just discovered that the world bends to the shape of their joy. Phainon watches you, and the heart in his chest cracks open, warm and terrifyingly in the shape of you. “I still want to hear it from you. Just because I already know it, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.”
So say it, Phainon. He should let you have this—let you have him saying it out loud, so you can keep it tucked somewhere safe. After all, who is fate and the universe to decide that he cannot tell you of his feelings right at this moment? There is no strict rules in feelings. He has no bouquet, no restaurant reservation, no lake to watch with you, but he has you.
"I…” He stumbles, falters, but he doesn’t relent. “I've been wanting to tell you this for so long, and I couldn't think of a better place than right here—well, I don’t think this is a better place. I was supposed to say this when we’re at the lake.”
Ah, I think I screwed up again, he would add, and you would only laugh as you call his name, and in that very instant, he feels so small and big at the same time, like the universe contracts and expands to make space for him and the scale of his feelings.
You placed your hand on top of his. “You even practiced your lines too?”
“I wanted it to be perfect.”
“That’s ridiculous, I doubt anything could be perfect.” You laugh once more and he feels happy despite the despair of your words.
“But you are.” And you laugh harder.
“Fine then, take your time. I won’t go away.”
Time. There is no time at all; time is a social construct made by people who needs to label something just to make sense of everything. The rise and fall of the sun, the way the moon conquers the sky, the stars in your eyes, the rise and fall of your chest where your heart lies beneath, the warmth of your hands, and the glimmer of your smile. There is two truths that Phainon knows for certain: 1.) time is a social construct made by people who wants to understand everything within their experiences—born from the human need to measure, to name, to contain the vast and formless flow of existence within the narrow limits of what we can grasp, and 2.) you are made for him.
“You make everything feel this vast and this beautiful,” he laces his fingers into the gaps of your own, holding you and holding your hand, sharing his warmth and the intensity of his feelings with a small squeeze, “and I like you.”
You squeeze his hand back: I like you too.
“Phai, even if you screw up yesterday, today, and tomorrow; even if you do it in a toilet, a garbage dump, or in the most romantic spot while we’re out there rowing in the lake, my answer will not change.”
For the first time this night, Phainon finally relaxes and lets the heaviness leave his shoulders. He finally lets slip the laughter along with the last thread of doubt he'd been clutching onto and it spills out of him; he presses his forehead against yours, rubbing the tip of your noses together, which only makes your breath shaky, warm against his lips.
“May I?”
His voice is soft but so loud, lingering in the space that exists between you and him. A nod and you feel it; his lips meeting yours like the first spark that climbs into the dark, a small trail of light that almost look like shooting stars, and then suddenly, the sky above you cracks open in a shower of bright colors.
The fireworks are blooming exactly as they were meant to as if it had been waiting for this very moment to applaud. Each burst of light echoes the way his mouth moves against yours, soft then deeper, radiant then dissolving into the heat that pesters long after the color fades, and when you part, you both simply laugh—breathless and giddy, foreheads still touching—as your fingers find his again and tighten around them.
(At least one thing went right.)
i couldn't stop writing at all !?@!@? I GOT CARRIED AWAY UGHGHHHH
PANGARAP LANG KITA / YOU’RE JUST MY DREAM ft. phainon
the three things that went wrong in this date and the one thing that didn’t ; alternatively, phainon intends to confess to you in the most romantic way possible but things go left.
CONTENT TAGS & WARNING — established relationship, modern!au, fluff, confessions, pining, yearning so much yearning, reader is wearing heels, phainon’s pov focus, mentions of anxiety, minor themes of self-hatred and insecurity (phainon), first date gone wrong, handholding, word vomit | wc: 3.2k
[TEA99 EVENT] AN ORDER OF… azul’s special blend of lemon fruit tea with honey in a blue cup, served with a slice of chocolate pistachio kunafa cake !! (of course, i’m doing my blend, i’m biased for myself; also that’s my favorite tea and dessert)
DIRECTOR’S NOTES — i’m a firm believer for d1 yearner phainon
what's next? navigation | masterlist
PHAINON had everything planned.
From the invitation and to the very last moment where he was going to confess his feelings for you, he had it all written down and noted.
There was the strong need to ensure that things will go smoothly. He wasn’t simply going to stand before you and declare his feelings like some madman who knows nothing of propriety and the essence of what makes the worth of devotion. Phainon was no stranger to courtship and confessions despite the lack of his experience as you are the first and only recipient of his affections, but he intends to make the grand revelation of it special. Even if it means he was going to be rejected in the end.
(But he pray for it to not be the case.)
He have witnessed adoration between his parents who seem to cannot be stopped in the public display of their affection and he have seen it on televisions late at night when he has nothing to watch, so to say that he was unfamiliar with the ways of love would be a lie in it itself; to say that he also doesn’t yearn for such would be another lie.
Phainon adored you more than he could admit to himself and even if he did, no words will be enough to fill the vessel of affection that he held dear for you. Everything he would try to say and think of would fall short to the rot of his ribs, to the light in his gaze, to the existence of you. Your whole being alone stands as evidence that stars have perished to create the shape of you, bringing your atoms closer to him, and yet, in the hours when the world slept and his guard dissolved like frost, he let himself imagine that the space between your breaths was a home he had been seeking across every lifetime.
He would not dare be greedy to ask even a caress of your light, but if the universe were merciful enough to let him orbit your gravity without burning, he would spend eternity as your silent moon—content to reflect what he could never hold, faithful to a warmth he would never taste, and thankful for the sheer mercy of being allowed to exist in the same constellation as you.
It was an understatement to use the word serious despite it was for something that definitely fits the definition of it. To Phainon, it was so serious that he had to resort consulting Aglaea for his affairs, believing the wiser lady would bring him knowledge that he had not thought of.
“The most romantic place to eat in Okhema?” The golden-haired designer repeats as her head tilts slightly, pondering, but what came out of her mouth was not an answer but another question: “Why do you ask?”
“I’m just curious, is all.” He says rather quickly as he scratches the back of his head, averting his gaze down the ground. Under this light and with that expression on his face, he looks like a puppy that have been caught by its owner doing something he ought not to do.
“It’s about [Name], isn’t it?”
“What? Is it that obvious?”
The golden-haired woman chuckles, clearly having seen through Phainon’s attempt of nonchalance earlier.
“It was merely a jest, but it seems like you’re too honest for your own good.”
So serious that he read romantic books in preparation.
“What are you reading?”
“Nothing!” He scrambled to hide the book behind his back, afraid that the feline-like woman would figure out what was in his hand. Cipher have always had sharp eyes, after all.
So serious that he practiced his lines in front of a mirror before cringing and burying his face in his hands, wondering what in the worlds is he doing.
“I must have gone crazy.”
Phainon had it all planned for weeks. It was not in his character to be meticulous, but it felt like he had to. If he doesn’t have these things planned, he’s worried that he’ll end up stumbling on a rock and messing everything up, then he’ll lose all of his chances, and what would you even think of him? A coward that can’t get his feelings out and straight? A witless man who doesn’t know how to romance another? A fool that only knows how to make you smile and be a gentleman?
He framed his invitation to you as something with the keywords of: dinner, celebration, and his treat. “Dinner” because he was planning on confessing during the night when the fireworks come and it’s the best time to do it; “celebration”? for what? He only said something about something good had happened and how he intends to share it with his “dear” partner; “his treat”, after all, how could he have you spend for your food when he was the one who took you out? Even so, he’ll never make you pay or split the bill.
(In your view, this was just your usual hangout with him, but to him, it was a date. His first date with you and you're unaware of it.)
He had all of it planned from the invitation and to his very confession.
Except none of his plans came into fruition.
It’s not that he chickened out, had cold feet, or run away. It was never any of those things. Hell, that never came to his mind. It’s just that everything in the universe seems to be working hand in hand to destroy everything he had built for this moment.
First, it was the flowers. Oh, a bouquet of your favorite flowers, intricate in all its details and selective in the overall arrangement of it to ensure that you would love it. Unfortunately, the flower shop that he had planned to pick it up from burned down in the middle of a night and he only knew of it when he went there, and saw the charred remains of what once was the store.
Although, he wasn’t mad at all. It’s not like there was some kind of superman that could prevent something like that in happening. He was only relieved that the workers were safe and no one was harmed in the incident. Besides, it’s not like it’s not the only flower shop in town.
It is.
It was the only flower shop in town.
Phainon, not wanting to be late, had to compromise and rushed to the restaurant with no bouquet in hand. It’s okay, he tells himself, everything is still going to be okay, he convinces the voices inside his head. He’s off to a really rough start and he’s not liking it already—anxiety easily weaves through the gaps of his fingers, consuming the thoughts of his thoughts. Red, green, turn left, stop, brakes, park his car, turn off the engine; every movement of his had become mechanical except for his sigh that seemed to draw from the well of his very humane worries.
By the time he had arrived, you were already there, standing outside in all your grace and charm, looking as beautiful as ever despite the restaurant lights only illuminating your figure. He stood still there, a man who cannot be moved, captured by your radiance as you remained unaware of his presence until he gathered the very little of his courage and shame to call for your name.
Just your smile as soon as you recognized him was enough to make him forget of his frustrations and when you took his hand in yours to hold—a gesture too intimate yet had become normal between you and him, but doesn’t reduced the warmth of it—, he forgot what he was even worrying about. Right, right, right, it will all be fine. Everything will be okay and fine, until it is not.
Second, it was the restaurant.
Phainon had booked a reservation in advance for a spot in the balcony that allows you to have a view of the city and the stars outside. However, when he walked in with you and asked, it seems there was no reservation under his name. How could that be? He had called in days prior and confirmed his booking; he had even provided proof of it and yet, there was nothing.
All he got was an apology from the host and a compensation which came in a mere form of: “We’ll provide a free dessert and drink for the error.”
Great. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do, he could only turn to you and apologize, asking if you’re okay with the new arrangements. If you would rather eat somewhere else, then he is okay with it too. He didn’t mind if the inconvenience was to him, as long as you weren’t affected, as long as it wasn’t you being inconvenienced.
In the end, you wanted to eat in that restaurant you and him would always eat at; that one restaurant that you would turn to in every occasion of your life. You wanted something familiar, something warm, something soothing, and you wanted his hand, too, so he gave it to you as long as you gave yours to him.
Third, the lake.
The lake that the two of you will go to as Phainon smiled warmly, telling you that he wants to take you somewhere as you finished eating. The lake that had the best spot to see the fireworks. The lake where he will confess his feelings to you just as the blaring sound of the fireworks explode overhead, painting the night sky in bursts of colors. His voice, usually so steady, wavers just slightly as he says your name like it's the answer to a question he's been asking himself for months.
The reflections of light dance across the water's surface, mirroring the flutter in his chest, and when he turns to face you fully, the last of the sparks fizzle into silence, leaving only the soft lap of waves and the tremor of his words: "I've been wanting to tell you this for so long, and I couldn't think of a better place than right here, with the stars above us and the lake beneath us, because you make everything feel this vast and this beautiful." He would squeeze your hand, his smile softer than the moonlight, and before the next rocket even leaves its trail, he whispers the three words that make the entire world fall away.
But of course, none of this happened, because as it turns out, the lake had been off-limits to the public for a crime investigation.
Thus now, you’re walking along the path of the park, dimly lit with the few light sources here and there. Phainon has been silent for a while now, seemingly deep in thought as he walks beside you. He looks… slumped? Disappointed? Frustrated? You can’t really pinpoint the exact center of his emotions, not when he seems so close yet so far at this moment.
There is a turmoil in his thoughts that resembled a hurricane wrecking everything in its way. Is this it? Is this really it? Will all of his weeks of planning fall away just like that? Has all of his efforts gone naught like that? Is that all he can do then? Let something as flimsy as the universe undermine the vastness of his feelings for you?
“Phai, wait.”
Your voice pulls him out of his trance as you held on to his arm. When he turns to look at you, he sees you bending and reaching for your heels as if wanting to take it off. It doesn’t take much for him to figure out why.
“Does your feet hurt?” Still, he asks, concern lacing with his tone as he guides you to a nearby bench instead, making you sit down while he kneels on the ground before you.
“Yeah.” You can only say. It feels embarrassing now; all of his attention easily pours into you like liquid to an empty goblet. He takes off your footwear before carefully setting it on the ground. Thankfully, he has prepared for something like this to happen—he takes out a small box of bandaid from the pocket of his pants.
You’re so reliable, you want to say, but the heavy and tense atmosphere stops you from doing so. Instead, it was Phainon that speaks for the both of you and his words weren’t something that you have expected him to utter.
“I’m sorry,” he sounds guilty and the way he gently tends to the small blisters of your skin feels almost like an apology, too. “I didn’t want things to go this way.”
He must sound so pathetic in your ears now. A sorry-excuse of a person who cannot even do anything right.
“Phai, none of it is your fault, okay? None of us expected for the reservation to not come through and besides, how would we have known someone was going to steal the swan figurines on the lake?”
That was true; none of you would have known. But also, that wasn’t just it. That wasn’t just all of it and right now, in this moment of you and him, he wants to spill everything he’s been hiding. He’s always known within himself that secrets are something that he can never keep from you—from you who is able to untangle him easily, who reads the falter between his syllables.
“I had a bouquet prepared too.”
“Huh?”
“But the flower shop burned down.”
“Phai, really,” you laugh softly and it eases off some of the weight on his shoulders, “you’re pretty unlucky today, huh?”
“Don’t laugh.” Even if your laugh is the sound he is fond of. Phainon is pouting now and you see that he’s less tense compared to earlier, which makes you feel relieved too. You pat the empty space on the bench beside you and he easily understood what you’re trying to say.
“Sorry, I can’t help it.”
“Besides, I like you too.”
“What?”
You turn to look at him, grinning. Your eyes sparkled brighter than the stars above you and aeons, titans, heavens, there is no words to capture your beauty. He adores you so much that it would consume him until all that is left is the marrow of his bones, but it will never be enough. No, nothing will be enough, not even him.
“You’re not entirely… how do I say this? You’re not really good at hiding things or maybe,” you begin, trying to find the right words scrambled on the feet beneath you, picking up the letters until it finally forms into a proper sentence: “You’re just way too honest.”
You’re too honest for your own good, Aglaea’s words echoed inside his head.
He sighs, “that’s another thing that I screwed up then.” And you hum, tilting your head, questioning him what he means by it, to which he simply resolves your confusion with: “I haven’t even told you of my feelings and you even beat me to it.” He doesn’t look angry, only disappointed at himself but only for a brief moment as a knowing smile tugs on the corner of his lips. He should have known you and how you also know him the same.
“Who’s to say you cannot say it now?” You beam at him, legs swinging off the ground as if an excited kid who's just discovered that the world bends to the shape of their joy. Phainon watches you, and the heart in his chest cracks open, warm and terrifyingly in the shape of you. “I still want to hear it from you. Just because I already know it, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.”
So say it, Phainon. He should let you have this—let you have him saying it out loud, so you can keep it tucked somewhere safe. After all, who is fate and the universe to decide that he cannot tell you of his feelings right at this moment? There is no strict rules in feelings. He has no bouquet, no restaurant reservation, no lake to watch with you, but he has you.
"I…” He stumbles, falters, but he doesn’t relent. “I've been wanting to tell you this for so long, and I couldn't think of a better place than right here—well, I don’t think this is a better place. I was supposed to say this when we’re at the lake.”
Ah, I think I screwed up again, he would add, and you would only laugh as you call his name, and in that very instant, he feels so small and big at the same time, like the universe contracts and expands to make space for him and the scale of his feelings.
You placed your hand on top of his. “You even practiced your lines too?”
“I wanted it to be perfect.”
“That’s ridiculous, I doubt anything could be perfect.” You laugh once more and he feels happy despite the despair of your words.
“But you are.” And you laugh harder.
“Fine then, take your time. I won’t go away.”
Time. There is no time at all; time is a social construct made by people who needs to label something just to make sense of everything. The rise and fall of the sun, the way the moon conquers the sky, the stars in your eyes, the rise and fall of your chest where your heart lies beneath, the warmth of your hands, and the glimmer of your smile. There is two truths that Phainon knows for certain: 1.) time is a social construct made by people who wants to understand everything within their experiences—born from the human need to measure, to name, to contain the vast and formless flow of existence within the narrow limits of what we can grasp, and 2.) you are made for him.
“You make everything feel this vast and this beautiful,” he laces his fingers into the gaps of your own, holding you and holding your hand, sharing his warmth and the intensity of his feelings with a small squeeze, “and I like you.”
You squeeze his hand back: I like you too.
“Phai, even if you screw up yesterday, today, and tomorrow; even if you do it in a toilet, a garbage dump, or in the most romantic spot while we’re out there rowing in the lake, my answer will not change.”
For the first time this night, Phainon finally relaxes and lets the heaviness leave his shoulders. He finally lets slip the laughter along with the last thread of doubt he'd been clutching onto and it spills out of him; he presses his forehead against yours, rubbing the tip of your noses together, which only makes your breath shaky, warm against his lips.
“May I?”
His voice is soft but so loud, lingering in the space that exists between you and him. A nod and you feel it; his lips meeting yours like the first spark that climbs into the dark, a small trail of light that almost look like shooting stars, and then suddenly, the sky above you cracks open in a shower of bright colors.
The fireworks are blooming exactly as they were meant to as if it had been waiting for this very moment to applaud. Each burst of light echoes the way his mouth moves against yours, soft then deeper, radiant then dissolving into the heat that pesters long after the color fades, and when you part, you both simply laugh—breathless and giddy, foreheads still touching—as your fingers find his again and tighten around them.
(At least one thing went right.)
i couldn't stop writing at all !?@!@? I GOT CARRIED AWAY UGHGHHHH
SYNOPSIS: Growing up fairy tails would always talk about unconditional love and going lengths for your beloved, but who's decide when unconditional love borders obsession? When another girl starts to spend time around Lohen , you make it your mission to deal with her. Although, what you didn't expect was for you to discover a new side about yourself and Lohen, as your relationship pushes you both towards your limits and tests you.
WORDCOUNT: 5.2k | TRANSLATION OF TITLE: he loves me, he loves me not | CONTENT & WARNINGS: reader is an unreliable narrator, black-white thinking as defensive mechanism (from reader), depictions of violence (both from reader and lohen's side), unhealthy established relationship, both are toxic and kinda know it (they match ea's freak ok), lohen & reader speak german and english (translations will be given), jealousy issues, abandonment issues, includes elements of yandere behavior which might not be comfortable for all audiences, hints of masochism/sadism, angst, suggestive, swearing; oneshot
AUTHORS NOTE: i had to get this out of my drafts + this is bascially a prelude to my other lohen fic !!
“Segne mich, Barbatos, denn ich habe gesündigt." Begrudgingly you clasp your hands together, praying for your confession to be heard. Your confession, something that was meant for your ears only, echoes through the cathedral, like an exposed secret. A beat of silence passes and you’re met with nothing but the quiet of the dead night. It’s your karma for committing a sin—the rightful punishment you deserve for what you have done.
“Bless me, Barbatos, for I have sinned.”
Initially you haven’t planned for it to take so long, it was supposed to be nothing but an empty threat to keep her hands away from Lohen, after all the days she’s spent around him. It couldn’t interest you any less that she was a new member joining the knights of Favonius and was assigned to the Knights of the fifth company to learn from them.
Couldn’t she have chosen anyone else but Lohen to teach her?
As for Lohen he was no better. He was more than aware that she got on your nerves and that’s what he enjoyed seeing—you writhing in jealousy as she was batting her lashes at him and asking for her to teach her. He wouldn’t necessarily initiate contact with her, but the fact that he kept in touch with her annoyed you.
Sure, it might be his dutiful task, but he clearly savored your moments of jealousy whenever he saw you rolling his eyes at her. Every single day, without a doubt, you’d complain to Lohen about her behavior towards him. The way she tugged at his sleeve whenever she needed help, whining that she’s only able to learn when he’s around or how she always tried to get as close as physically possible to him.
But he’d always tell you that there was no other girl in his life, other than you, and there’ll never be. Whenever you voiced your thoughts about his relationship with the rookie knight, he cooed sweet words of affirmation into your ears, telling you not to worry about such trivial matters.
It was hard to believe him at first. Granted, the more you came to know Lohen, the more mistrustful you were towards him, always needing him to prove his love for you. However, it wasn’t like Lohen despised it. In fact he was very willing to listen to everything you had to say and would make sure to fulfill your requests. Moreover, his jealousy even exceeded yours. He was aware about your whereabouts, your relationships, your belongings—everything—there wasn’t a single part in your life in which Lohen didn’t have control over.
Ironically, whenever you were approached by another person, Lohen would practically beg you to tell him that you still love him or give you the cold shoulder, displaying a distant resentment towards you, because you’ve “betrayed” him—there was no inbetween.
When he did it was alright—justfied, as he’d say. He’s never gone this far to seek out the people that approached you to tell them to stay away from you (as far as you know of), however he made sure, you’d never see them again. So would it be wrong of you to do the same, and go a bit further?
Your last thread of patience snapped when she asked Lohen to meet him outside of the official training times to meet with her, so she could “learn” more from him, smiling all sly.
All while you were standing next to him, making it apparent that you wanted to leave as you impatiently tugged at his sleeve. Truly, you expected him to decline, but he must’ve seen the grossed out expression you wore, which made him agree to it right away, and probably reveled in joy as you walked away in a fit of anger.
Her face flashes in your mind and you wince as you think back of her scared expression.Your body stiffens as you recall the way her body squirmed against your chest as you held her with a dagger to her throat.
If it weren’t for the way she clung to your arms, scratching against your skin as she was trying to resist your attempts to knock her out, you would’ve finished the job much sooner. Her screams for help still ring in your ears supported by the marks her nails left on your forearm.
At that very moment, all moral sense left your body. She continued to scream and cry for help, like a cub left behind and howling after its mother. Before you knew it you flipped her around, pressing her back against your chest, and from your peripheral vision you could see the fear glimmering in her eyes. However, that didn't stop you from putting your gloved hands around her throat and pushing her down onto the muddied earth floor.
You pressed down her neck even harder and before you knew it she started uncontrollably coughing, choking on her breath as she stammered incoherent words. She did all of that while tears pricked at her eyes. You’ll give her credit where credit is due–she was difficult to deal with especially with how she fought you off but that only made you more insistent on continuing to put an end to her.
Caught in a trance, still having your hands wrapped around her throat, you failed to notice that the time had passed until her breath started to hitch and her body eventually fell still. Only then did realisation hit you–what you’ve done–you attempted to murder someone–you did this for Lohen. Hastily, you pressed your gloved fingers against her pulse point, and in the moment without really realising it may have worsened her injuries, still to your delight there was a faint beating and you let out an exasperated sigh.
Exhausted you collapse onto the floor, back now slumping against a tree as you look at the body in front of you. You could practically feel the guilt seeping through your body and altering your system, however beneath that guilt was something else—something quite darker. How you were feeling as of now wasn’t considered normal. Internally you should feel regretful and resentful towards yourself–you should be ridden with guilt and hand yourself in, but no—you felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
Honestly, you’d wish that you could have an ounce of sympathy with her now as a last act of kindness. But rather it's the opposite—you don’t really feel anything, this feels more accomplished rather than dreadful. After all it was her who kept on provoking you, sneaking around Lohen and you and interrupting your guys’ time—she dug her grave herself—this is what she should’ve expected.
With the remaining strength you had, you reach up and lean over her almost lifeless body, you discarded the brown wool gloves you found tucked in Lohen's drawer without any ceremony somewhere next to her—at least now she has a token from Lohen—before gently brushing loose strands of her hair out of her face. “Schlaf gut.” you whisper quietly, cradling her face once more before pressing your index- and middle finger to her eyelids and shutting them.
“Sweet dreams.”
—
Tired, you drag your feet over the cobblestone floor and force yourself to keep your eyes open so you don’t doze off. You walk home wonkily, clinging onto your forearm that's been scratched open–her nails really sunk into the flesh of your arm leaving nasty marks that you attempt to cover up with your sleeve.
In the end you didn't manage to kill her—you couldn’t bring yourself to muder her. Why so? You’re not so sure either. It’s not like you had any time to think about it anyway, because before you could even fully comprehend the situation that had just played out in front of you, you had to flee the scene of crime, hearing as there were heavy steps accompanied with neighing, approaching you from a distance.
When you finally stand in front of your door, you barely manage to keep your eyes open, much less your body that’s leaning with one shoulder against your front door. After all of this you just want to take a warm bath and lay down without any care in the world, what you did just now was a worry for later.
Lost in your thoughts and paying less attention to your surroundings, you continue to rummage through your pockets to search for your keys, not noticing that you leaned more of your body weight against your door and it opened with a loud creak.
Deep down you know better than this—you know you should question why your door was open in the first place. Recently more treasure hunters have taken an interest in Mondstadt hence you made sure that your door was locked every time you went out. Oddly enough, as you step further into the house nothing seems to be out of place. Your shoes were lined up properly, the dishes in the sink from this morning were tucked away neatly—everything was almost too perfect—that is until you noticed the open windows in the living room.
As if on cue the moonlight streams through the curtains and casts a light on the figure who hid themselves in your living room. There on your windowsill sits none other than Lohen with his legs crossed over each other. Knowing Lohen he most likely let himself in, picking at the lock of your door before prying it open and forcing his way inside. He stares out of the window with no care in the world, as he simultaneously plays with his dagger. As you walk closer, you notice that he’s not holding his dagger by the hilt—no, he’s throwing it up and down and catches the side of the blade.
Smoothly he jumps off the windowsill and you can feel your whole body freezing as you stop in your tracks, too shocked to react. A cold gust of wind rushes in the room, Lohen steps closer to you and just smiles, raising his eyebrows before directing his gaze to the clock cabinet. Naturally you follow and that’s when it hits you—the time; it’s already past midnight. All of a sudden Lohen’s dagger flies across the room, you gasp as it misses you only by a hair’s breadth; you feel the sharp edge of the blade grazing your face, before boring into the wall right next to the clock.
“Um diese späte Stunde zurückkommen.” He slowly draws out the words, making sure that each and every of them is etched into your brain. “Sag mal, weißt du nicht, welche Gefahr da draußen rum lauert?" He coos as he moves closer to you, he positions himself behind you and you feel his warm breath fanning over your nape. It’s warm, so warm that it sends shivers down your spine.
His presence makes you uneasy and you gulp as you feel him guiding his fingers up your body. Still, you don't dare to turn back or to meet his eyes, fearing that everything you did would now crumble away. “Ich musste ein paar Sachen erledigen.” You nod, but he notices it too—how you’re trying to convince yourself more than him.
Lohen’s fingers move up your neck before finding your chin to tilt your head upwards, leaving you no choice but to face him. “Aha.” He hums as he studies your face, eyes drifting from your lips, to your ears before they eventually find your eyes and stay there.
“Coming back at this late hour.” / “Tell me, do you not know the dangers that are lurking outside?” / “I had some errands to run”
“Hm.” He eyes you with a look that tells you he’s up to no good. “What kind of errands?” Getting rid of garbage. The words lie on your tongue but you know better than to confess a murder. “You know, I just helped Barbara at the cathedral today.”
He tuts in disapproval and shakes his head as he chuckles. “Barbara was helping out Jean today, silly. I saw her.” His laugh suddenly stops and looks up, a dark shadow cast over his eyes. “Lügst du mich gerade an?” Lohen asks and he quickly strips his fingers away from your face. “Lohen.” your eyebrows furrow in confusion and you whisper his name like a foreign concept, unsure if this is another cruel joke of his.
One of the qualities you value about Lohen is patience, he always listens to what you have to say, except when it comes to situations like these. “Verstehe.” He nods slowly and adverts his gaze away from you. “Du gehst mir fremd.” He states coldly as if it’s a fact, a law proven over and over evidenced by peoples effort.
“Are you lying to me right now?” / “I understand” / “You’re cheating on me.”
“Entschuldige?” you yell in disbelief, backing away from him. “Warum ist das das erste, wovon du ausgehst.” It’s already past the quiet hours, but you don’t care anymore, whether you scream, yell or shout at Lohen right now, because how could he accuse you of cheating? If someone was cheating it had to be him. “Sonst würdest du mich doch nicht anlügen.” He replies curtly, his ruby irises staring right through you.
“Excuse me?” / “Why’s that the first thing you think of?” / “Otherwise you wouldn’t lie to me.”
Anger drips from your mouth as you continue to scream at him. “You haven’t talked the entire day to me.” You point your index finger at him to make your point. “And now when you do the very first thing you do is declare me as a cheater?” You’re seriously dumbfounded.
It was you who attempted to murder someone for him just so the two of you could be together all the time. Where your bodies would melt into one soul and are unable to live without one another. Lohen was everything to you—he’s your everything.
“Well, I was working.” He shrugs in simplicity and turns his head away from you. “Told you there's a ton of danger outside.” Suddenly he starts to walk around in the living room, the old floor tiles creaking from his steps. “I had a really stressful day at work today, dove. Not long before you came home the squad on patrol found a fatally wounded woman.” He elaborates as he walks over to the clock cabinet. “You should’ve seen her. It’s a miracle she was still alive.”
Lohen pulls his dagger out of the wall and admires the hole it left behind, as he mumbles about replacing the wall. However that was the least of your concerns right now, it couldn’t be, right? Still if they’d found her body there is absolutely no way it could be traced back to you, you assure yourself.
But no, Lohen had other plans. “At first the knights were unsure if they just misheard, but when the noises suddenly stopped they decided to check up on where they came from.” He begins, tucking the dagger back into his beltholder. “Luckily they came right on time.”
The end—you thought this was where Lohen would stop. He’d warn you about the dangers outside and tell you that he was worried and that everything’s fine now because you have him. Although what you didn’t expect was for Lohen to pull out a pair of brown gloves and hold them up for you to see, thereby bursting your bubble. “It’s weird, don't you think?” He tilts his head to the side and asks. “These are the gloves given to rookies starting in the knights. The culprit must have been someone from the knights.”
Panic is written all over your face and you feel your head overheating as you try to come up with an excuse. “I mean she’s a rookie knight right, couldn’t those just be hers?” You suggest, hoping it would provide a somewhat reasonable excuse.
A small smile twitches at the corner of Lohen’s lips and the look in his eyes is something you can’t quite pinpoint—contentment wouldn’t describe it right. He hums and takes another look at the gloves. ”We found her gloves in her pockets, so no. And did you know? A while ago the gloves have been changed. They were claiming that they had been too itchy and the material was unsuitable for any activity.” Lohen practically starts to reminisce as he thinks back to his junior years in the knights. “The rookies get other ones now. So it must be someone who has been with us for a long time and had the old gloves.” Lohen crosses his arms and looks back, pretending that he’s thinking very hard.
“Oh and, how’d you know the victim was a rookie knight?” It’s in this exact moment where you realise that Lohen is catching on–if not having it figured it out already. All you could hope for is that your expression didn’t give away your surprise, you gave him a half-hearted smile to mask your turmoil of emotions. “Well, just a hunch and don’t you think it’s so nice that many young women apply to the knights now?” You put your hands behind your back to stop them from trembling before innocently tilting your head to the side and blinking at Lohen. “If you ask me it’s kinda refreshing seeing women in male dominated fields.”
He hums and looks away as he wipes off the dirt on his uniform. “But then again others could also become jealous of these rookie knights.” Lohen gives you a knowing look, one that says more than words ever could. “Are you implying I did it?” Negative thoughts consume you and you can’t help but start rambling. “Ich bitte dich Lohen, du weißt ich würde sowas niemals tun.” He doesn’t answer—you don’t give him any time to.
“I’m begging you Lohen, you know I’d never do something like that.”
“Ich meine, es ist deine Schuld.” You pride yourself in being a composed person, but when it comes to Lohen it’s the complete opposite. “Aber du weißt, dass ich sie nicht einfach so ignorieren kann.” He starts to explain himself but you cut him off. “Warum nicht?” you ask, voice quivering. "Wer ist dir wichtiger, ich oder sie?”
“I mean it’s your fault” / “But you’re aware that I can’t just ignore her.” / “Why not?” / “Who’s more important to you, me or her?”
Lohen opens his mouth to respond but you don’t let him. “You don't even love me” your voice breaks and you tear your eyes away from Lohen. “You’ve never loved me. Just admit it.” You murmur but loud enough for him to hear. “All you do is spend time with her and when I ask to get even a sliver of your attention you refuse.” Verbalizing your thoughts into words was worse than what you expected, because you could even finish your sentence tears started blurring your vision.
Lohen is quick to act and cups your face in both of his hands and looks at you with wide eyes. He’s probably disgusted—no, he must be shocked that you guessed his intentions right. “No, no, don't cry please. I was just teasing you.” He hushes you while brushing over your cheeks to wipe away your tears.
He continues to smother your face, even as you try to break away. “You never spend any time with me and when you do you just talk about her.” You sniffle and push him away. “You’re always with her. Always, always, always.” The repeated words linger in the air along with your staggered breath. “I feel like you have become distant. You no longer love me. Did you ever even love me?” You attack him with statements, seeing how far he’s willing to go, but also to finally confess everything you’ve been bottling up.
There’s a silence that stretches across the room. “Why don’t you just admit it.” You whisper quietly. “I’d rather have you tell me the truth than continue to lie to me.” Eventually you’re able to look at him, looking at his eyes and trying to find something—anything that proves that he still loves you.
Drowning in the pools of his eyes, you don’t notice the way Lohen moves forwards, closes his eyes and presses his lips against your forehead. The warmth of his lips is a reminder of his love—no—it’s a sign of his farewell and you freeze. Lohen is already backing away but you stand there glued to the floor, still processing. Everything around you starts turning black, something ugly comes up and crawls its way into your heart.
Lohen hates you. He doesn’t love you anymore, in fact he’s never loved you. All the sweet things he’s said were lies. You’re nothing special to him, he treats everyone like that. He never planned anything serious with you to begin with. Seeing him with other people makes you realize that he’s not your Lohen, he was never yours. Lohen didn’t see anything in you other than a source of temporary fun—no, not even that, he just searched for someone to emotionally exploit off.
Exactly, that’s it. Lohen isn’t the good guy you’ve always imagined in your head. No, he’s just a miserable man who tries to manipulate you. How could you have ever fallen for someone like him? What was it that Lohen did to you? Lohen has never loved you. Why did you delude yourself into thinking that he did?
“Let’s break up.” you suddenly say. The tears that were flowing from your eyes just now seem to have stopped as soon as the words left your mouth. “I dare you to repeat that.” Lohen demands of you enraged. “Du hast schon richtig gehört!” You yell back at him and just as the tears have stopped you feel them starting to spill again. “Du hast weder Zeit noch nimmst du dir Zeit für mich.” You start off. “Du hasst mich doch.” Your words are accompanied by a laugh and you continue. “Immer hältst du dich mit irgendwelchen anderen Mädchen auf, und du sagst nie was, wenn sie sich förmlich an dich schmiegen.”
“You heard right!” / “You don’t have time for me nor do you make time for me” / “You hate me.” / "You're always with other girls and you never say anything when they practically fawn all over you.”
Lohen stares at you in disbelief, his once worried expression contorting into one of pure rage. “Don’t come at me with that bullshit.” He spits and moves closer to you that there's barely any space between the two of you, on instinct you step away, but Lohen grabs your wrist to stop you from moving and to keep you on the spot. “Don’t I show you my love enough?” He asks desperately, the corners of his mouth twitching as if to smile, laughing at how ridiculous this situation is.
“No.” You say sternly. “Get out of my sight.” Unfortunately for you, your words only seem to spur on Lohen’s anger. “You hate me and you know what? I hate you too, so just go away.” Frantically, you try to wiggle your arm out of Lohen grasp, however to no avail. “You don’t mean that.” He whispers under his breath, eyes narrowing down at you and inspecting your expression. “Doch.” Strong willed, you attempt to push through, but Lohen doesn’t accept that as an answer. “Nein, tust du nicht.” He’s right you don’t. “Get lost.”
“Yes” / “No, you don’t”
This seems to do it for Lohen because he yanks you by your wrist and you’re certain that his touch will leave a mark. “Wen verarscht du hier eigentlich?” All of a sudden, Lohen starts to laugh—hysterically so, as if he’s overwhelmed and this is his last resort. “You’re gonna do what I say, doesn’t matter if you want to or not.” He declares and forces you to abide by it. “But we both know that you don’t want to leave.” Lohen whispers all knowingly before leaning in to kiss you, he lets go of your wrist and presses his hands on your waist.
“Who do you think you’re fooling?”
The kiss is messy and you can feel his tongue nudging at your teeth, asking for permission to enter and you let him. His tongue roams inside the cavern of your mouth and you can’t help but make embarrassing noises against his mouth. Suddenly he leaves your mouth and his tongue swipes across the tear stained marks left on your skin. You squirm to get away from him, but he doesn’t let you.
If this continues you know you really won’t be able to stop.
Feeling the wet muscle on your face filled you with a mix of shame, disgust but also a certain enjoyment and you know you couldn’t let this go on. Leave—that was your top priority. You can’t give in, Lohen is manipulating you again, don’t fall for the same trick twice. Infuriated, you slap Lohen across the face and the noise echoes throughout the room as you shove him away by the chest.
The shock in Lohen’s eyes is priceless, he’s baffled. You catch your breath, heavily exhaling and so does Lohen before wiping his mouth with the back of his hands. Even without saying a word you know what he’s about to do next, so why is it that you can’t move? This time Lohen grabs both of your wrists and holds them above your head so you won’t be able to wiggle away again. You stare at him through fiery eyes and scratch his hands with your nails, but your plan backfires,because firstly, he doesn’t budge and secondly his desire to ruin you just became stronger. Lohen kisses you—once again, you let him. You can feel his smirk against your lips as he pries his tongue into your mouth and continues to aggressively kiss you. Not allowing him to take the lead, you bite down on his lower lip and the sound Lohen makes is music to your ears, fueling you to keep on biting until you’re hit with the metallic taste of blood.
What are you thinking about? Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Well, how are you supposed to know you’ve never known anything or anyone else other than Lohen. But this isn't normal. Normal people don’t kiss a person who’s manipulated them into loving them.
It’s as if someone rewinded time, because the same scene plays out again.You push Lohen away at his chest once more, shaking your head and he heaves. “We were enjoying ourselves just now.” He speaks, as if trying to convince you. “What happened?” He asks, voice shaking as his fingers press into the flesh of your skin. “Did you not like it?” Lohen’s eyes widened. “I can also start with a different approach, just tell me what you want. I’ll do it” Before you know it, there are tears brimming in his eyes and this time it’s you who’s taken aback. This can’t be real.
“I love you. I really love you. You’re the only girl for me.” There’s tears running down both of your faces now and you’re too shocked to even say anything to him. Something like this has never happened, this shouldn’t be happening you think. Without much thinking you let Lohen take your hand and guide it to his face before he nuzzles his cheek into the palm of your hand. “N..no Lohen.” You stutter, the words stuck in your throat. “I know you’re just coercing me. Stop it.” You scream and pull back your hand. “But it’s working isn’t it?” Lohen smiles before wiping away the tears, although some still cling onto his lashes.
The ticking of the clock makes you feel uneasy—the longer you go on without saying anything the more Lohen will take it as a sign. “No, Lohen, you seriously need to leave. Just go.” You urge him and he just stands there with an expression that's hard to read.
Of course you don’t want him to go—you want him to stay. Why is it unhealthy to just rely on each other? You’re fine with it. Lohen is your world, but maybe that’s the problem.
“I know that you don’t want me to leave. I love you therefore I know you.” He tells you and you can’t help but hold back a sniffle. Why does he have to make this harder than it already is? “Lohen, I told you we’d break up. We’re not together anymore so fuck off.” You declare bluntly, but you know that your eyes betray you. “No, I never agreed to breaking up.” Lohen exclaims in disbelief. “Well, too bad because I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, okay?” Whenever you and Lohen fought, you always needed to have the last word and Lohen would let you have it, because he knew that it made you gain a sense of control for a situation you didn’t plan.
But with Lohen you never know what to expect. There’s a pregnant pause and Lohen exhales. “If you leave me I’m going to kill myself.” That did it for you. You gave him so many chances to leave before it got to this point, but Lohen just couldn’t listen, could he? “Do it then. I don’t care. I hate you.” You challenge him, but it’s Lohen and Lohen never backs out from a challenge.
Upon not seeing you hesitating or showing much reaction, you can practically tell how irritated Lohen has become. Even if he doesn’t make it as obvious as you do, there are still signs. One of them is doing something impulsive, if not entirely reckless. The dagger he stored in his belt holder is in his hand again, only this time isn’t he just playing around with it. No, he’s putting it against his throat, the tip of the blade barely touching his skin.
“Tell me you love me. That you don't mean any of this” He starts to push the tip of the dagger into his skin slowly. “Youre just bluffing.” You snort and roll your eyes. “Am I?” Lohen starts to drag the tip over his skin and a streak of red comes to life. It starts off a small slit but the more you look at it the more blood comes out. He positions his dagger at another spot on his throat again and you start panicking. “No, no, Lohen, stop it!” You yell, taking the dagger from his hand and throwing it somewhere down the floor.
The blood continues to flow and you press your sleeve against it for the material to soak up the blood. “Tell me you love me.” He whispers like a little kid making a wish that’s only for a certain pair of ears to hear. “Ther’s no one else for me.” Lohen starts off as he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. “None of the other girls could ever compare to you, so tell me that you love me too.” You don’t answer and only look up at him with a look that tells him more than enough. “It’s not working out, Lohen, okay? Just leave please and never come back.” You plead, you weren’t able to fulfill one last act of kindness for someone, but you hope that Lohen will for you.
Lohen doesn’t say anything as he removes himself from your embrace nor does he look back once. He doesn’t tell you goodbye. No nothing and maybe that’s the best farewell you could’ve asked for and the one you deserved.
END NOTE: “I'm scared youre gonna abandon me so ill abandon you first.” Reader and Lohen probably + feli (me) too hahahahahahahah — call it a self insert atp
SYNOPSIS: Growing up fairy tails would always talk about unconditional love and going lengths for your beloved, but who's decide when unconditional love borders obsession? When another girl starts to spend time around Lohen , you make it your mission to deal with her. Although, what you didn't expect was for you to discover a new side about yourself and Lohen, as your relationship pushes you both towards your limits and tests you.
WORDCOUNT: 5.2k | TRANSLATION OF TITLE: he loves me, he loves me not | CONTENT & WARNINGS: reader is an unreliable narrator, black-white thinking as defensive mechanism (from reader), depictions of violence (both from reader and lohen's side), unhealthy established relationship, both are toxic and kinda know it (they match ea's freak ok), lohen & reader speak german and english (translations will be given), jealousy issues, abandonment issues, includes elements of yandere behavior which might not be comfortable for all audiences, hints of masochism/sadism, angst, suggestive, swearing; oneshot
AUTHORS NOTE: i had to get this out of my drafts + this is bascially a prelude to my other lohen fic !!
“Segne mich, Barbatos, denn ich habe gesündigt." Begrudgingly you clasp your hands together, praying for your confession to be heard. Your confession, something that was meant for your ears only, echoes through the cathedral, like an exposed secret. A beat of silence passes and you’re met with nothing but the quiet of the dead night. It’s your karma for committing a sin—the rightful punishment you deserve for what you have done.
“Bless me, Barbatos, for I have sinned.”
Initially you haven’t planned for it to take so long, it was supposed to be nothing but an empty threat to keep her hands away from Lohen, after all the days she’s spent around him. It couldn’t interest you any less that she was a new member joining the knights of Favonius and was assigned to the Knights of the fifth company to learn from them.
Couldn’t she have chosen anyone else but Lohen to teach her?
As for Lohen he was no better. He was more than aware that she got on your nerves and that’s what he enjoyed seeing—you writhing in jealousy as she was batting her lashes at him and asking for her to teach her. He wouldn’t necessarily initiate contact with her, but the fact that he kept in touch with her annoyed you.
Sure, it might be his dutiful task, but he clearly savored your moments of jealousy whenever he saw you rolling his eyes at her. Every single day, without a doubt, you’d complain to Lohen about her behavior towards him. The way she tugged at his sleeve whenever she needed help, whining that she’s only able to learn when he’s around or how she always tried to get as close as physically possible to him.
But he’d always tell you that there was no other girl in his life, other than you, and there’ll never be. Whenever you voiced your thoughts about his relationship with the rookie knight, he cooed sweet words of affirmation into your ears, telling you not to worry about such trivial matters.
It was hard to believe him at first. Granted, the more you came to know Lohen, the more mistrustful you were towards him, always needing him to prove his love for you. However, it wasn’t like Lohen despised it. In fact he was very willing to listen to everything you had to say and would make sure to fulfill your requests. Moreover, his jealousy even exceeded yours. He was aware about your whereabouts, your relationships, your belongings—everything—there wasn’t a single part in your life in which Lohen didn’t have control over.
Ironically, whenever you were approached by another person, Lohen would practically beg you to tell him that you still love him or give you the cold shoulder, displaying a distant resentment towards you, because you’ve “betrayed” him—there was no inbetween.
When he did it was alright—justfied, as he’d say. He’s never gone this far to seek out the people that approached you to tell them to stay away from you (as far as you know of), however he made sure, you’d never see them again. So would it be wrong of you to do the same, and go a bit further?
Your last thread of patience snapped when she asked Lohen to meet him outside of the official training times to meet with her, so she could “learn” more from him, smiling all sly.
All while you were standing next to him, making it apparent that you wanted to leave as you impatiently tugged at his sleeve. Truly, you expected him to decline, but he must’ve seen the grossed out expression you wore, which made him agree to it right away, and probably reveled in joy as you walked away in a fit of anger.
Her face flashes in your mind and you wince as you think back of her scared expression.Your body stiffens as you recall the way her body squirmed against your chest as you held her with a dagger to her throat.
If it weren’t for the way she clung to your arms, scratching against your skin as she was trying to resist your attempts to knock her out, you would’ve finished the job much sooner. Her screams for help still ring in your ears supported by the marks her nails left on your forearm.
At that very moment, all moral sense left your body. She continued to scream and cry for help, like a cub left behind and howling after its mother. Before you knew it you flipped her around, pressing her back against your chest, and from your peripheral vision you could see the fear glimmering in her eyes. However, that didn't stop you from putting your gloved hands around her throat and pushing her down onto the muddied earth floor.
You pressed down her neck even harder and before you knew it she started uncontrollably coughing, choking on her breath as she stammered incoherent words. She did all of that while tears pricked at her eyes. You’ll give her credit where credit is due–she was difficult to deal with especially with how she fought you off but that only made you more insistent on continuing to put an end to her.
Caught in a trance, still having your hands wrapped around her throat, you failed to notice that the time had passed until her breath started to hitch and her body eventually fell still. Only then did realisation hit you–what you’ve done–you attempted to murder someone–you did this for Lohen. Hastily, you pressed your gloved fingers against her pulse point, and in the moment without really realising it may have worsened her injuries, still to your delight there was a faint beating and you let out an exasperated sigh.
Exhausted you collapse onto the floor, back now slumping against a tree as you look at the body in front of you. You could practically feel the guilt seeping through your body and altering your system, however beneath that guilt was something else—something quite darker. How you were feeling as of now wasn’t considered normal. Internally you should feel regretful and resentful towards yourself–you should be ridden with guilt and hand yourself in, but no—you felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
Honestly, you’d wish that you could have an ounce of sympathy with her now as a last act of kindness. But rather it's the opposite—you don’t really feel anything, this feels more accomplished rather than dreadful. After all it was her who kept on provoking you, sneaking around Lohen and you and interrupting your guys’ time—she dug her grave herself—this is what she should’ve expected.
With the remaining strength you had, you reach up and lean over her almost lifeless body, you discarded the brown wool gloves you found tucked in Lohen's drawer without any ceremony somewhere next to her—at least now she has a token from Lohen—before gently brushing loose strands of her hair out of her face. “Schlaf gut.” you whisper quietly, cradling her face once more before pressing your index- and middle finger to her eyelids and shutting them.
“Sweet dreams.”
—
Tired, you drag your feet over the cobblestone floor and force yourself to keep your eyes open so you don’t doze off. You walk home wonkily, clinging onto your forearm that's been scratched open–her nails really sunk into the flesh of your arm leaving nasty marks that you attempt to cover up with your sleeve.
In the end you didn't manage to kill her—you couldn’t bring yourself to muder her. Why so? You’re not so sure either. It’s not like you had any time to think about it anyway, because before you could even fully comprehend the situation that had just played out in front of you, you had to flee the scene of crime, hearing as there were heavy steps accompanied with neighing, approaching you from a distance.
When you finally stand in front of your door, you barely manage to keep your eyes open, much less your body that’s leaning with one shoulder against your front door. After all of this you just want to take a warm bath and lay down without any care in the world, what you did just now was a worry for later.
Lost in your thoughts and paying less attention to your surroundings, you continue to rummage through your pockets to search for your keys, not noticing that you leaned more of your body weight against your door and it opened with a loud creak.
Deep down you know better than this—you know you should question why your door was open in the first place. Recently more treasure hunters have taken an interest in Mondstadt hence you made sure that your door was locked every time you went out. Oddly enough, as you step further into the house nothing seems to be out of place. Your shoes were lined up properly, the dishes in the sink from this morning were tucked away neatly—everything was almost too perfect—that is until you noticed the open windows in the living room.
As if on cue the moonlight streams through the curtains and casts a light on the figure who hid themselves in your living room. There on your windowsill sits none other than Lohen with his legs crossed over each other. Knowing Lohen he most likely let himself in, picking at the lock of your door before prying it open and forcing his way inside. He stares out of the window with no care in the world, as he simultaneously plays with his dagger. As you walk closer, you notice that he’s not holding his dagger by the hilt—no, he’s throwing it up and down and catches the side of the blade.
Smoothly he jumps off the windowsill and you can feel your whole body freezing as you stop in your tracks, too shocked to react. A cold gust of wind rushes in the room, Lohen steps closer to you and just smiles, raising his eyebrows before directing his gaze to the clock cabinet. Naturally you follow and that’s when it hits you—the time; it’s already past midnight. All of a sudden Lohen’s dagger flies across the room, you gasp as it misses you only by a hair’s breadth; you feel the sharp edge of the blade grazing your face, before boring into the wall right next to the clock.
“Um diese späte Stunde zurückkommen.” He slowly draws out the words, making sure that each and every of them is etched into your brain. “Sag mal, weißt du nicht, welche Gefahr da draußen rum lauert?" He coos as he moves closer to you, he positions himself behind you and you feel his warm breath fanning over your nape. It’s warm, so warm that it sends shivers down your spine.
His presence makes you uneasy and you gulp as you feel him guiding his fingers up your body. Still, you don't dare to turn back or to meet his eyes, fearing that everything you did would now crumble away. “Ich musste ein paar Sachen erledigen.” You nod, but he notices it too—how you’re trying to convince yourself more than him.
Lohen’s fingers move up your neck before finding your chin to tilt your head upwards, leaving you no choice but to face him. “Aha.” He hums as he studies your face, eyes drifting from your lips, to your ears before they eventually find your eyes and stay there.
“Coming back at this late hour.” / “Tell me, do you not know the dangers that are lurking outside?” / “I had some errands to run”
“Hm.” He eyes you with a look that tells you he’s up to no good. “What kind of errands?” Getting rid of garbage. The words lie on your tongue but you know better than to confess a murder. “You know, I just helped Barbara at the cathedral today.”
He tuts in disapproval and shakes his head as he chuckles. “Barbara was helping out Jean today, silly. I saw her.” His laugh suddenly stops and looks up, a dark shadow cast over his eyes. “Lügst du mich gerade an?” Lohen asks and he quickly strips his fingers away from your face. “Lohen.” your eyebrows furrow in confusion and you whisper his name like a foreign concept, unsure if this is another cruel joke of his.
One of the qualities you value about Lohen is patience, he always listens to what you have to say, except when it comes to situations like these. “Verstehe.” He nods slowly and adverts his gaze away from you. “Du gehst mir fremd.” He states coldly as if it’s a fact, a law proven over and over evidenced by peoples effort.
“Are you lying to me right now?” / “I understand” / “You’re cheating on me.”
“Entschuldige?” you yell in disbelief, backing away from him. “Warum ist das das erste, wovon du ausgehst.” It’s already past the quiet hours, but you don’t care anymore, whether you scream, yell or shout at Lohen right now, because how could he accuse you of cheating? If someone was cheating it had to be him. “Sonst würdest du mich doch nicht anlügen.” He replies curtly, his ruby irises staring right through you.
“Excuse me?” / “Why’s that the first thing you think of?” / “Otherwise you wouldn’t lie to me.”
Anger drips from your mouth as you continue to scream at him. “You haven’t talked the entire day to me.” You point your index finger at him to make your point. “And now when you do the very first thing you do is declare me as a cheater?” You’re seriously dumbfounded.
It was you who attempted to murder someone for him just so the two of you could be together all the time. Where your bodies would melt into one soul and are unable to live without one another. Lohen was everything to you—he’s your everything.
“Well, I was working.” He shrugs in simplicity and turns his head away from you. “Told you there's a ton of danger outside.” Suddenly he starts to walk around in the living room, the old floor tiles creaking from his steps. “I had a really stressful day at work today, dove. Not long before you came home the squad on patrol found a fatally wounded woman.” He elaborates as he walks over to the clock cabinet. “You should’ve seen her. It’s a miracle she was still alive.”
Lohen pulls his dagger out of the wall and admires the hole it left behind, as he mumbles about replacing the wall. However that was the least of your concerns right now, it couldn’t be, right? Still if they’d found her body there is absolutely no way it could be traced back to you, you assure yourself.
But no, Lohen had other plans. “At first the knights were unsure if they just misheard, but when the noises suddenly stopped they decided to check up on where they came from.” He begins, tucking the dagger back into his beltholder. “Luckily they came right on time.”
The end—you thought this was where Lohen would stop. He’d warn you about the dangers outside and tell you that he was worried and that everything’s fine now because you have him. Although what you didn’t expect was for Lohen to pull out a pair of brown gloves and hold them up for you to see, thereby bursting your bubble. “It’s weird, don't you think?” He tilts his head to the side and asks. “These are the gloves given to rookies starting in the knights. The culprit must have been someone from the knights.”
Panic is written all over your face and you feel your head overheating as you try to come up with an excuse. “I mean she’s a rookie knight right, couldn’t those just be hers?” You suggest, hoping it would provide a somewhat reasonable excuse.
A small smile twitches at the corner of Lohen’s lips and the look in his eyes is something you can’t quite pinpoint—contentment wouldn’t describe it right. He hums and takes another look at the gloves. ”We found her gloves in her pockets, so no. And did you know? A while ago the gloves have been changed. They were claiming that they had been too itchy and the material was unsuitable for any activity.” Lohen practically starts to reminisce as he thinks back to his junior years in the knights. “The rookies get other ones now. So it must be someone who has been with us for a long time and had the old gloves.” Lohen crosses his arms and looks back, pretending that he’s thinking very hard.
“Oh and, how’d you know the victim was a rookie knight?” It’s in this exact moment where you realise that Lohen is catching on–if not having it figured it out already. All you could hope for is that your expression didn’t give away your surprise, you gave him a half-hearted smile to mask your turmoil of emotions. “Well, just a hunch and don’t you think it’s so nice that many young women apply to the knights now?” You put your hands behind your back to stop them from trembling before innocently tilting your head to the side and blinking at Lohen. “If you ask me it’s kinda refreshing seeing women in male dominated fields.”
He hums and looks away as he wipes off the dirt on his uniform. “But then again others could also become jealous of these rookie knights.” Lohen gives you a knowing look, one that says more than words ever could. “Are you implying I did it?” Negative thoughts consume you and you can’t help but start rambling. “Ich bitte dich Lohen, du weißt ich würde sowas niemals tun.” He doesn’t answer—you don’t give him any time to.
“I’m begging you Lohen, you know I’d never do something like that.”
“Ich meine, es ist deine Schuld.” You pride yourself in being a composed person, but when it comes to Lohen it’s the complete opposite. “Aber du weißt, dass ich sie nicht einfach so ignorieren kann.” He starts to explain himself but you cut him off. “Warum nicht?” you ask, voice quivering. "Wer ist dir wichtiger, ich oder sie?”
“I mean it’s your fault” / “But you’re aware that I can’t just ignore her.” / “Why not?” / “Who’s more important to you, me or her?”
Lohen opens his mouth to respond but you don’t let him. “You don't even love me” your voice breaks and you tear your eyes away from Lohen. “You’ve never loved me. Just admit it.” You murmur but loud enough for him to hear. “All you do is spend time with her and when I ask to get even a sliver of your attention you refuse.” Verbalizing your thoughts into words was worse than what you expected, because you could even finish your sentence tears started blurring your vision.
Lohen is quick to act and cups your face in both of his hands and looks at you with wide eyes. He’s probably disgusted—no, he must be shocked that you guessed his intentions right. “No, no, don't cry please. I was just teasing you.” He hushes you while brushing over your cheeks to wipe away your tears.
He continues to smother your face, even as you try to break away. “You never spend any time with me and when you do you just talk about her.” You sniffle and push him away. “You’re always with her. Always, always, always.” The repeated words linger in the air along with your staggered breath. “I feel like you have become distant. You no longer love me. Did you ever even love me?” You attack him with statements, seeing how far he’s willing to go, but also to finally confess everything you’ve been bottling up.
There’s a silence that stretches across the room. “Why don’t you just admit it.” You whisper quietly. “I’d rather have you tell me the truth than continue to lie to me.” Eventually you’re able to look at him, looking at his eyes and trying to find something—anything that proves that he still loves you.
Drowning in the pools of his eyes, you don’t notice the way Lohen moves forwards, closes his eyes and presses his lips against your forehead. The warmth of his lips is a reminder of his love—no—it’s a sign of his farewell and you freeze. Lohen is already backing away but you stand there glued to the floor, still processing. Everything around you starts turning black, something ugly comes up and crawls its way into your heart.
Lohen hates you. He doesn’t love you anymore, in fact he’s never loved you. All the sweet things he’s said were lies. You’re nothing special to him, he treats everyone like that. He never planned anything serious with you to begin with. Seeing him with other people makes you realize that he’s not your Lohen, he was never yours. Lohen didn’t see anything in you other than a source of temporary fun—no, not even that, he just searched for someone to emotionally exploit off.
Exactly, that’s it. Lohen isn’t the good guy you’ve always imagined in your head. No, he’s just a miserable man who tries to manipulate you. How could you have ever fallen for someone like him? What was it that Lohen did to you? Lohen has never loved you. Why did you delude yourself into thinking that he did?
“Let’s break up.” you suddenly say. The tears that were flowing from your eyes just now seem to have stopped as soon as the words left your mouth. “I dare you to repeat that.” Lohen demands of you enraged. “Du hast schon richtig gehört!” You yell back at him and just as the tears have stopped you feel them starting to spill again. “Du hast weder Zeit noch nimmst du dir Zeit für mich.” You start off. “Du hasst mich doch.” Your words are accompanied by a laugh and you continue. “Immer hältst du dich mit irgendwelchen anderen Mädchen auf, und du sagst nie was, wenn sie sich förmlich an dich schmiegen.”
“You heard right!” / “You don’t have time for me nor do you make time for me” / “You hate me.” / "You're always with other girls and you never say anything when they practically fawn all over you.”
Lohen stares at you in disbelief, his once worried expression contorting into one of pure rage. “Don’t come at me with that bullshit.” He spits and moves closer to you that there's barely any space between the two of you, on instinct you step away, but Lohen grabs your wrist to stop you from moving and to keep you on the spot. “Don’t I show you my love enough?” He asks desperately, the corners of his mouth twitching as if to smile, laughing at how ridiculous this situation is.
“No.” You say sternly. “Get out of my sight.” Unfortunately for you, your words only seem to spur on Lohen’s anger. “You hate me and you know what? I hate you too, so just go away.” Frantically, you try to wiggle your arm out of Lohen grasp, however to no avail. “You don’t mean that.” He whispers under his breath, eyes narrowing down at you and inspecting your expression. “Doch.” Strong willed, you attempt to push through, but Lohen doesn’t accept that as an answer. “Nein, tust du nicht.” He’s right you don’t. “Get lost.”
“Yes” / “No, you don’t”
This seems to do it for Lohen because he yanks you by your wrist and you’re certain that his touch will leave a mark. “Wen verarscht du hier eigentlich?” All of a sudden, Lohen starts to laugh—hysterically so, as if he’s overwhelmed and this is his last resort. “You’re gonna do what I say, doesn’t matter if you want to or not.” He declares and forces you to abide by it. “But we both know that you don’t want to leave.” Lohen whispers all knowingly before leaning in to kiss you, he lets go of your wrist and presses his hands on your waist.
“Who do you think you’re fooling?”
The kiss is messy and you can feel his tongue nudging at your teeth, asking for permission to enter and you let him. His tongue roams inside the cavern of your mouth and you can’t help but make embarrassing noises against his mouth. Suddenly he leaves your mouth and his tongue swipes across the tear stained marks left on your skin. You squirm to get away from him, but he doesn’t let you.
If this continues you know you really won’t be able to stop.
Feeling the wet muscle on your face filled you with a mix of shame, disgust but also a certain enjoyment and you know you couldn’t let this go on. Leave—that was your top priority. You can’t give in, Lohen is manipulating you again, don’t fall for the same trick twice. Infuriated, you slap Lohen across the face and the noise echoes throughout the room as you shove him away by the chest.
The shock in Lohen’s eyes is priceless, he’s baffled. You catch your breath, heavily exhaling and so does Lohen before wiping his mouth with the back of his hands. Even without saying a word you know what he’s about to do next, so why is it that you can’t move? This time Lohen grabs both of your wrists and holds them above your head so you won’t be able to wiggle away again. You stare at him through fiery eyes and scratch his hands with your nails, but your plan backfires,because firstly, he doesn’t budge and secondly his desire to ruin you just became stronger. Lohen kisses you—once again, you let him. You can feel his smirk against your lips as he pries his tongue into your mouth and continues to aggressively kiss you. Not allowing him to take the lead, you bite down on his lower lip and the sound Lohen makes is music to your ears, fueling you to keep on biting until you’re hit with the metallic taste of blood.
What are you thinking about? Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Well, how are you supposed to know you’ve never known anything or anyone else other than Lohen. But this isn't normal. Normal people don’t kiss a person who’s manipulated them into loving them.
It’s as if someone rewinded time, because the same scene plays out again.You push Lohen away at his chest once more, shaking your head and he heaves. “We were enjoying ourselves just now.” He speaks, as if trying to convince you. “What happened?” He asks, voice shaking as his fingers press into the flesh of your skin. “Did you not like it?” Lohen’s eyes widened. “I can also start with a different approach, just tell me what you want. I’ll do it” Before you know it, there are tears brimming in his eyes and this time it’s you who’s taken aback. This can’t be real.
“I love you. I really love you. You’re the only girl for me.” There’s tears running down both of your faces now and you’re too shocked to even say anything to him. Something like this has never happened, this shouldn’t be happening you think. Without much thinking you let Lohen take your hand and guide it to his face before he nuzzles his cheek into the palm of your hand. “N..no Lohen.” You stutter, the words stuck in your throat. “I know you’re just coercing me. Stop it.” You scream and pull back your hand. “But it’s working isn’t it?” Lohen smiles before wiping away the tears, although some still cling onto his lashes.
The ticking of the clock makes you feel uneasy—the longer you go on without saying anything the more Lohen will take it as a sign. “No, Lohen, you seriously need to leave. Just go.” You urge him and he just stands there with an expression that's hard to read.
Of course you don’t want him to go—you want him to stay. Why is it unhealthy to just rely on each other? You’re fine with it. Lohen is your world, but maybe that’s the problem.
“I know that you don’t want me to leave. I love you therefore I know you.” He tells you and you can’t help but hold back a sniffle. Why does he have to make this harder than it already is? “Lohen, I told you we’d break up. We’re not together anymore so fuck off.” You declare bluntly, but you know that your eyes betray you. “No, I never agreed to breaking up.” Lohen exclaims in disbelief. “Well, too bad because I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, okay?” Whenever you and Lohen fought, you always needed to have the last word and Lohen would let you have it, because he knew that it made you gain a sense of control for a situation you didn’t plan.
But with Lohen you never know what to expect. There’s a pregnant pause and Lohen exhales. “If you leave me I’m going to kill myself.” That did it for you. You gave him so many chances to leave before it got to this point, but Lohen just couldn’t listen, could he? “Do it then. I don’t care. I hate you.” You challenge him, but it’s Lohen and Lohen never backs out from a challenge.
Upon not seeing you hesitating or showing much reaction, you can practically tell how irritated Lohen has become. Even if he doesn’t make it as obvious as you do, there are still signs. One of them is doing something impulsive, if not entirely reckless. The dagger he stored in his belt holder is in his hand again, only this time isn’t he just playing around with it. No, he’s putting it against his throat, the tip of the blade barely touching his skin.
“Tell me you love me. That you don't mean any of this” He starts to push the tip of the dagger into his skin slowly. “Youre just bluffing.” You snort and roll your eyes. “Am I?” Lohen starts to drag the tip over his skin and a streak of red comes to life. It starts off a small slit but the more you look at it the more blood comes out. He positions his dagger at another spot on his throat again and you start panicking. “No, no, Lohen, stop it!” You yell, taking the dagger from his hand and throwing it somewhere down the floor.
The blood continues to flow and you press your sleeve against it for the material to soak up the blood. “Tell me you love me.” He whispers like a little kid making a wish that’s only for a certain pair of ears to hear. “Ther’s no one else for me.” Lohen starts off as he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. “None of the other girls could ever compare to you, so tell me that you love me too.” You don’t answer and only look up at him with a look that tells him more than enough. “It’s not working out, Lohen, okay? Just leave please and never come back.” You plead, you weren’t able to fulfill one last act of kindness for someone, but you hope that Lohen will for you.
Lohen doesn’t say anything as he removes himself from your embrace nor does he look back once. He doesn’t tell you goodbye. No nothing and maybe that’s the best farewell you could’ve asked for and the one you deserved.
END NOTE: “I'm scared youre gonna abandon me so ill abandon you first.” Reader and Lohen probably + feli (me) too hahahahahahahah — call it a self insert atp
SYNOPSIS: Growing up fairy tails would always talk about unconditional love and going lengths for your beloved, but who's decide when unconditional love borders obsession? When another girl starts to spend time around Lohen , you make it your mission to deal with her. Although, what you didn't expect was for you to discover a new side about yourself and Lohen, as your relationship pushes you both towards your limits and tests you.
WORDCOUNT: 5.2k | TRANSLATION OF TITLE: he loves me, he loves me not | CONTENT & WARNINGS: reader is an unreliable narrator, black-white thinking as defensive mechanism (from reader), depictions of violence (both from reader and lohen's side), unhealthy established relationship, both are toxic and kinda know it (they match ea's freak ok), lohen & reader speak german and english (translations will be given), jealousy issues, abandonment issues, includes elements of yandere behavior which might not be comfortable for all audiences, hints of masochism/sadism, angst, suggestive, swearing; oneshot
AUTHORS NOTE: i had to get this out of my drafts + this is bascially a prelude to my other lohen fic !!
“Segne mich, Barbatos, denn ich habe gesündigt." Begrudgingly you clasp your hands together, praying for your confession to be heard. Your confession, something that was meant for your ears only, echoes through the cathedral, like an exposed secret. A beat of silence passes and you’re met with nothing but the quiet of the dead night. It’s your karma for committing a sin—the rightful punishment you deserve for what you have done.
“Bless me, Barbatos, for I have sinned.”
Initially you haven’t planned for it to take so long, it was supposed to be nothing but an empty threat to keep her hands away from Lohen, after all the days she’s spent around him. It couldn’t interest you any less that she was a new member joining the knights of Favonius and was assigned to the Knights of the fifth company to learn from them.
Couldn’t she have chosen anyone else but Lohen to teach her?
As for Lohen he was no better. He was more than aware that she got on your nerves and that’s what he enjoyed seeing—you writhing in jealousy as she was batting her lashes at him and asking for her to teach her. He wouldn’t necessarily initiate contact with her, but the fact that he kept in touch with her annoyed you.
Sure, it might be his dutiful task, but he clearly savored your moments of jealousy whenever he saw you rolling his eyes at her. Every single day, without a doubt, you’d complain to Lohen about her behavior towards him. The way she tugged at his sleeve whenever she needed help, whining that she’s only able to learn when he’s around or how she always tried to get as close as physically possible to him.
But he’d always tell you that there was no other girl in his life, other than you, and there’ll never be. Whenever you voiced your thoughts about his relationship with the rookie knight, he cooed sweet words of affirmation into your ears, telling you not to worry about such trivial matters.
It was hard to believe him at first. Granted, the more you came to know Lohen, the more mistrustful you were towards him, always needing him to prove his love for you. However, it wasn’t like Lohen despised it. In fact he was very willing to listen to everything you had to say and would make sure to fulfill your requests. Moreover, his jealousy even exceeded yours. He was aware about your whereabouts, your relationships, your belongings—everything—there wasn’t a single part in your life in which Lohen didn’t have control over.
Ironically, whenever you were approached by another person, Lohen would practically beg you to tell him that you still love him or give you the cold shoulder, displaying a distant resentment towards you, because you’ve “betrayed” him—there was no inbetween.
When he did it was alright—justfied, as he’d say. He’s never gone this far to seek out the people that approached you to tell them to stay away from you (as far as you know of), however he made sure, you’d never see them again. So would it be wrong of you to do the same, and go a bit further?
Your last thread of patience snapped when she asked Lohen to meet him outside of the official training times to meet with her, so she could “learn” more from him, smiling all sly.
All while you were standing next to him, making it apparent that you wanted to leave as you impatiently tugged at his sleeve. Truly, you expected him to decline, but he must’ve seen the grossed out expression you wore, which made him agree to it right away, and probably reveled in joy as you walked away in a fit of anger.
Her face flashes in your mind and you wince as you think back of her scared expression.Your body stiffens as you recall the way her body squirmed against your chest as you held her with a dagger to her throat.
If it weren’t for the way she clung to your arms, scratching against your skin as she was trying to resist your attempts to knock her out, you would’ve finished the job much sooner. Her screams for help still ring in your ears supported by the marks her nails left on your forearm.
At that very moment, all moral sense left your body. She continued to scream and cry for help, like a cub left behind and howling after its mother. Before you knew it you flipped her around, pressing her back against your chest, and from your peripheral vision you could see the fear glimmering in her eyes. However, that didn't stop you from putting your gloved hands around her throat and pushing her down onto the muddied earth floor.
You pressed down her neck even harder and before you knew it she started uncontrollably coughing, choking on her breath as she stammered incoherent words. She did all of that while tears pricked at her eyes. You’ll give her credit where credit is due–she was difficult to deal with especially with how she fought you off but that only made you more insistent on continuing to put an end to her.
Caught in a trance, still having your hands wrapped around her throat, you failed to notice that the time had passed until her breath started to hitch and her body eventually fell still. Only then did realisation hit you–what you’ve done–you attempted to murder someone–you did this for Lohen. Hastily, you pressed your gloved fingers against her pulse point, and in the moment without really realising it may have worsened her injuries, still to your delight there was a faint beating and you let out an exasperated sigh.
Exhausted you collapse onto the floor, back now slumping against a tree as you look at the body in front of you. You could practically feel the guilt seeping through your body and altering your system, however beneath that guilt was something else—something quite darker. How you were feeling as of now wasn’t considered normal. Internally you should feel regretful and resentful towards yourself–you should be ridden with guilt and hand yourself in, but no—you felt guilty for not feeling guilty.
Honestly, you’d wish that you could have an ounce of sympathy with her now as a last act of kindness. But rather it's the opposite—you don’t really feel anything, this feels more accomplished rather than dreadful. After all it was her who kept on provoking you, sneaking around Lohen and you and interrupting your guys’ time—she dug her grave herself—this is what she should’ve expected.
With the remaining strength you had, you reach up and lean over her almost lifeless body, you discarded the brown wool gloves you found tucked in Lohen's drawer without any ceremony somewhere next to her—at least now she has a token from Lohen—before gently brushing loose strands of her hair out of her face. “Schlaf gut.” you whisper quietly, cradling her face once more before pressing your index- and middle finger to her eyelids and shutting them.
“Sweet dreams.”
—
Tired, you drag your feet over the cobblestone floor and force yourself to keep your eyes open so you don’t doze off. You walk home wonkily, clinging onto your forearm that's been scratched open–her nails really sunk into the flesh of your arm leaving nasty marks that you attempt to cover up with your sleeve.
In the end you didn't manage to kill her—you couldn’t bring yourself to muder her. Why so? You’re not so sure either. It’s not like you had any time to think about it anyway, because before you could even fully comprehend the situation that had just played out in front of you, you had to flee the scene of crime, hearing as there were heavy steps accompanied with neighing, approaching you from a distance.
When you finally stand in front of your door, you barely manage to keep your eyes open, much less your body that’s leaning with one shoulder against your front door. After all of this you just want to take a warm bath and lay down without any care in the world, what you did just now was a worry for later.
Lost in your thoughts and paying less attention to your surroundings, you continue to rummage through your pockets to search for your keys, not noticing that you leaned more of your body weight against your door and it opened with a loud creak.
Deep down you know better than this—you know you should question why your door was open in the first place. Recently more treasure hunters have taken an interest in Mondstadt hence you made sure that your door was locked every time you went out. Oddly enough, as you step further into the house nothing seems to be out of place. Your shoes were lined up properly, the dishes in the sink from this morning were tucked away neatly—everything was almost too perfect—that is until you noticed the open windows in the living room.
As if on cue the moonlight streams through the curtains and casts a light on the figure who hid themselves in your living room. There on your windowsill sits none other than Lohen with his legs crossed over each other. Knowing Lohen he most likely let himself in, picking at the lock of your door before prying it open and forcing his way inside. He stares out of the window with no care in the world, as he simultaneously plays with his dagger. As you walk closer, you notice that he’s not holding his dagger by the hilt—no, he’s throwing it up and down and catches the side of the blade.
Smoothly he jumps off the windowsill and you can feel your whole body freezing as you stop in your tracks, too shocked to react. A cold gust of wind rushes in the room, Lohen steps closer to you and just smiles, raising his eyebrows before directing his gaze to the clock cabinet. Naturally you follow and that’s when it hits you—the time; it’s already past midnight. All of a sudden Lohen’s dagger flies across the room, you gasp as it misses you only by a hair’s breadth; you feel the sharp edge of the blade grazing your face, before boring into the wall right next to the clock.
“Um diese späte Stunde zurückkommen.” He slowly draws out the words, making sure that each and every of them is etched into your brain. “Sag mal, weißt du nicht, welche Gefahr da draußen rum lauert?" He coos as he moves closer to you, he positions himself behind you and you feel his warm breath fanning over your nape. It’s warm, so warm that it sends shivers down your spine.
His presence makes you uneasy and you gulp as you feel him guiding his fingers up your body. Still, you don't dare to turn back or to meet his eyes, fearing that everything you did would now crumble away. “Ich musste ein paar Sachen erledigen.” You nod, but he notices it too—how you’re trying to convince yourself more than him.
Lohen’s fingers move up your neck before finding your chin to tilt your head upwards, leaving you no choice but to face him. “Aha.” He hums as he studies your face, eyes drifting from your lips, to your ears before they eventually find your eyes and stay there.
“Coming back at this late hour.” / “Tell me, do you not know the dangers that are lurking outside?” / “I had some errands to run”
“Hm.” He eyes you with a look that tells you he’s up to no good. “What kind of errands?” Getting rid of garbage. The words lie on your tongue but you know better than to confess a murder. “You know, I just helped Barbara at the cathedral today.”
He tuts in disapproval and shakes his head as he chuckles. “Barbara was helping out Jean today, silly. I saw her.” His laugh suddenly stops and looks up, a dark shadow cast over his eyes. “Lügst du mich gerade an?” Lohen asks and he quickly strips his fingers away from your face. “Lohen.” your eyebrows furrow in confusion and you whisper his name like a foreign concept, unsure if this is another cruel joke of his.
One of the qualities you value about Lohen is patience, he always listens to what you have to say, except when it comes to situations like these. “Verstehe.” He nods slowly and adverts his gaze away from you. “Du gehst mir fremd.” He states coldly as if it’s a fact, a law proven over and over evidenced by peoples effort.
“Are you lying to me right now?” / “I understand” / “You’re cheating on me.”
“Entschuldige?” you yell in disbelief, backing away from him. “Warum ist das das erste, wovon du ausgehst.” It’s already past the quiet hours, but you don’t care anymore, whether you scream, yell or shout at Lohen right now, because how could he accuse you of cheating? If someone was cheating it had to be him. “Sonst würdest du mich doch nicht anlügen.” He replies curtly, his ruby irises staring right through you.
“Excuse me?” / “Why’s that the first thing you think of?” / “Otherwise you wouldn’t lie to me.”
Anger drips from your mouth as you continue to scream at him. “You haven’t talked the entire day to me.” You point your index finger at him to make your point. “And now when you do the very first thing you do is declare me as a cheater?” You’re seriously dumbfounded.
It was you who attempted to murder someone for him just so the two of you could be together all the time. Where your bodies would melt into one soul and are unable to live without one another. Lohen was everything to you—he’s your everything.
“Well, I was working.” He shrugs in simplicity and turns his head away from you. “Told you there's a ton of danger outside.” Suddenly he starts to walk around in the living room, the old floor tiles creaking from his steps. “I had a really stressful day at work today, dove. Not long before you came home the squad on patrol found a fatally wounded woman.” He elaborates as he walks over to the clock cabinet. “You should’ve seen her. It’s a miracle she was still alive.”
Lohen pulls his dagger out of the wall and admires the hole it left behind, as he mumbles about replacing the wall. However that was the least of your concerns right now, it couldn’t be, right? Still if they’d found her body there is absolutely no way it could be traced back to you, you assure yourself.
But no, Lohen had other plans. “At first the knights were unsure if they just misheard, but when the noises suddenly stopped they decided to check up on where they came from.” He begins, tucking the dagger back into his beltholder. “Luckily they came right on time.”
The end—you thought this was where Lohen would stop. He’d warn you about the dangers outside and tell you that he was worried and that everything’s fine now because you have him. Although what you didn’t expect was for Lohen to pull out a pair of brown gloves and hold them up for you to see, thereby bursting your bubble. “It’s weird, don't you think?” He tilts his head to the side and asks. “These are the gloves given to rookies starting in the knights. The culprit must have been someone from the knights.”
Panic is written all over your face and you feel your head overheating as you try to come up with an excuse. “I mean she’s a rookie knight right, couldn’t those just be hers?” You suggest, hoping it would provide a somewhat reasonable excuse.
A small smile twitches at the corner of Lohen’s lips and the look in his eyes is something you can’t quite pinpoint—contentment wouldn’t describe it right. He hums and takes another look at the gloves. ”We found her gloves in her pockets, so no. And did you know? A while ago the gloves have been changed. They were claiming that they had been too itchy and the material was unsuitable for any activity.” Lohen practically starts to reminisce as he thinks back to his junior years in the knights. “The rookies get other ones now. So it must be someone who has been with us for a long time and had the old gloves.” Lohen crosses his arms and looks back, pretending that he’s thinking very hard.
“Oh and, how’d you know the victim was a rookie knight?” It’s in this exact moment where you realise that Lohen is catching on–if not having it figured it out already. All you could hope for is that your expression didn’t give away your surprise, you gave him a half-hearted smile to mask your turmoil of emotions. “Well, just a hunch and don’t you think it’s so nice that many young women apply to the knights now?” You put your hands behind your back to stop them from trembling before innocently tilting your head to the side and blinking at Lohen. “If you ask me it’s kinda refreshing seeing women in male dominated fields.”
He hums and looks away as he wipes off the dirt on his uniform. “But then again others could also become jealous of these rookie knights.” Lohen gives you a knowing look, one that says more than words ever could. “Are you implying I did it?” Negative thoughts consume you and you can’t help but start rambling. “Ich bitte dich Lohen, du weißt ich würde sowas niemals tun.” He doesn’t answer—you don’t give him any time to.
“I’m begging you Lohen, you know I’d never do something like that.”
“Ich meine, es ist deine Schuld.” You pride yourself in being a composed person, but when it comes to Lohen it’s the complete opposite. “Aber du weißt, dass ich sie nicht einfach so ignorieren kann.” He starts to explain himself but you cut him off. “Warum nicht?” you ask, voice quivering. "Wer ist dir wichtiger, ich oder sie?”
“I mean it’s your fault” / “But you’re aware that I can’t just ignore her.” / “Why not?” / “Who’s more important to you, me or her?”
Lohen opens his mouth to respond but you don’t let him. “You don't even love me” your voice breaks and you tear your eyes away from Lohen. “You’ve never loved me. Just admit it.” You murmur but loud enough for him to hear. “All you do is spend time with her and when I ask to get even a sliver of your attention you refuse.” Verbalizing your thoughts into words was worse than what you expected, because you could even finish your sentence tears started blurring your vision.
Lohen is quick to act and cups your face in both of his hands and looks at you with wide eyes. He’s probably disgusted—no, he must be shocked that you guessed his intentions right. “No, no, don't cry please. I was just teasing you.” He hushes you while brushing over your cheeks to wipe away your tears.
He continues to smother your face, even as you try to break away. “You never spend any time with me and when you do you just talk about her.” You sniffle and push him away. “You’re always with her. Always, always, always.” The repeated words linger in the air along with your staggered breath. “I feel like you have become distant. You no longer love me. Did you ever even love me?” You attack him with statements, seeing how far he’s willing to go, but also to finally confess everything you’ve been bottling up.
There’s a silence that stretches across the room. “Why don’t you just admit it.” You whisper quietly. “I’d rather have you tell me the truth than continue to lie to me.” Eventually you’re able to look at him, looking at his eyes and trying to find something—anything that proves that he still loves you.
Drowning in the pools of his eyes, you don’t notice the way Lohen moves forwards, closes his eyes and presses his lips against your forehead. The warmth of his lips is a reminder of his love—no—it’s a sign of his farewell and you freeze. Lohen is already backing away but you stand there glued to the floor, still processing. Everything around you starts turning black, something ugly comes up and crawls its way into your heart.
Lohen hates you. He doesn’t love you anymore, in fact he’s never loved you. All the sweet things he’s said were lies. You’re nothing special to him, he treats everyone like that. He never planned anything serious with you to begin with. Seeing him with other people makes you realize that he’s not your Lohen, he was never yours. Lohen didn’t see anything in you other than a source of temporary fun—no, not even that, he just searched for someone to emotionally exploit off.
Exactly, that’s it. Lohen isn’t the good guy you’ve always imagined in your head. No, he’s just a miserable man who tries to manipulate you. How could you have ever fallen for someone like him? What was it that Lohen did to you? Lohen has never loved you. Why did you delude yourself into thinking that he did?
“Let’s break up.” you suddenly say. The tears that were flowing from your eyes just now seem to have stopped as soon as the words left your mouth. “I dare you to repeat that.” Lohen demands of you enraged. “Du hast schon richtig gehört!” You yell back at him and just as the tears have stopped you feel them starting to spill again. “Du hast weder Zeit noch nimmst du dir Zeit für mich.” You start off. “Du hasst mich doch.” Your words are accompanied by a laugh and you continue. “Immer hältst du dich mit irgendwelchen anderen Mädchen auf, und du sagst nie was, wenn sie sich förmlich an dich schmiegen.”
“You heard right!” / “You don’t have time for me nor do you make time for me” / “You hate me.” / "You're always with other girls and you never say anything when they practically fawn all over you.”
Lohen stares at you in disbelief, his once worried expression contorting into one of pure rage. “Don’t come at me with that bullshit.” He spits and moves closer to you that there's barely any space between the two of you, on instinct you step away, but Lohen grabs your wrist to stop you from moving and to keep you on the spot. “Don’t I show you my love enough?” He asks desperately, the corners of his mouth twitching as if to smile, laughing at how ridiculous this situation is.
“No.” You say sternly. “Get out of my sight.” Unfortunately for you, your words only seem to spur on Lohen’s anger. “You hate me and you know what? I hate you too, so just go away.” Frantically, you try to wiggle your arm out of Lohen grasp, however to no avail. “You don’t mean that.” He whispers under his breath, eyes narrowing down at you and inspecting your expression. “Doch.” Strong willed, you attempt to push through, but Lohen doesn’t accept that as an answer. “Nein, tust du nicht.” He’s right you don’t. “Get lost.”
“Yes” / “No, you don’t”
This seems to do it for Lohen because he yanks you by your wrist and you’re certain that his touch will leave a mark. “Wen verarscht du hier eigentlich?” All of a sudden, Lohen starts to laugh—hysterically so, as if he’s overwhelmed and this is his last resort. “You’re gonna do what I say, doesn’t matter if you want to or not.” He declares and forces you to abide by it. “But we both know that you don’t want to leave.” Lohen whispers all knowingly before leaning in to kiss you, he lets go of your wrist and presses his hands on your waist.
“Who do you think you’re fooling?”
The kiss is messy and you can feel his tongue nudging at your teeth, asking for permission to enter and you let him. His tongue roams inside the cavern of your mouth and you can’t help but make embarrassing noises against his mouth. Suddenly he leaves your mouth and his tongue swipes across the tear stained marks left on your skin. You squirm to get away from him, but he doesn’t let you.
If this continues you know you really won’t be able to stop.
Feeling the wet muscle on your face filled you with a mix of shame, disgust but also a certain enjoyment and you know you couldn’t let this go on. Leave—that was your top priority. You can’t give in, Lohen is manipulating you again, don’t fall for the same trick twice. Infuriated, you slap Lohen across the face and the noise echoes throughout the room as you shove him away by the chest.
The shock in Lohen’s eyes is priceless, he’s baffled. You catch your breath, heavily exhaling and so does Lohen before wiping his mouth with the back of his hands. Even without saying a word you know what he’s about to do next, so why is it that you can’t move? This time Lohen grabs both of your wrists and holds them above your head so you won’t be able to wiggle away again. You stare at him through fiery eyes and scratch his hands with your nails, but your plan backfires,because firstly, he doesn’t budge and secondly his desire to ruin you just became stronger. Lohen kisses you—once again, you let him. You can feel his smirk against your lips as he pries his tongue into your mouth and continues to aggressively kiss you. Not allowing him to take the lead, you bite down on his lower lip and the sound Lohen makes is music to your ears, fueling you to keep on biting until you’re hit with the metallic taste of blood.
What are you thinking about? Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Well, how are you supposed to know you’ve never known anything or anyone else other than Lohen. But this isn't normal. Normal people don’t kiss a person who’s manipulated them into loving them.
It’s as if someone rewinded time, because the same scene plays out again.You push Lohen away at his chest once more, shaking your head and he heaves. “We were enjoying ourselves just now.” He speaks, as if trying to convince you. “What happened?” He asks, voice shaking as his fingers press into the flesh of your skin. “Did you not like it?” Lohen’s eyes widened. “I can also start with a different approach, just tell me what you want. I’ll do it” Before you know it, there are tears brimming in his eyes and this time it’s you who’s taken aback. This can’t be real.
“I love you. I really love you. You’re the only girl for me.” There’s tears running down both of your faces now and you’re too shocked to even say anything to him. Something like this has never happened, this shouldn’t be happening you think. Without much thinking you let Lohen take your hand and guide it to his face before he nuzzles his cheek into the palm of your hand. “N..no Lohen.” You stutter, the words stuck in your throat. “I know you’re just coercing me. Stop it.” You scream and pull back your hand. “But it’s working isn’t it?” Lohen smiles before wiping away the tears, although some still cling onto his lashes.
The ticking of the clock makes you feel uneasy—the longer you go on without saying anything the more Lohen will take it as a sign. “No, Lohen, you seriously need to leave. Just go.” You urge him and he just stands there with an expression that's hard to read.
Of course you don’t want him to go—you want him to stay. Why is it unhealthy to just rely on each other? You’re fine with it. Lohen is your world, but maybe that’s the problem.
“I know that you don’t want me to leave. I love you therefore I know you.” He tells you and you can’t help but hold back a sniffle. Why does he have to make this harder than it already is? “Lohen, I told you we’d break up. We’re not together anymore so fuck off.” You declare bluntly, but you know that your eyes betray you. “No, I never agreed to breaking up.” Lohen exclaims in disbelief. “Well, too bad because I no longer want to be in a relationship with you, okay?” Whenever you and Lohen fought, you always needed to have the last word and Lohen would let you have it, because he knew that it made you gain a sense of control for a situation you didn’t plan.
But with Lohen you never know what to expect. There’s a pregnant pause and Lohen exhales. “If you leave me I’m going to kill myself.” That did it for you. You gave him so many chances to leave before it got to this point, but Lohen just couldn’t listen, could he? “Do it then. I don’t care. I hate you.” You challenge him, but it’s Lohen and Lohen never backs out from a challenge.
Upon not seeing you hesitating or showing much reaction, you can practically tell how irritated Lohen has become. Even if he doesn’t make it as obvious as you do, there are still signs. One of them is doing something impulsive, if not entirely reckless. The dagger he stored in his belt holder is in his hand again, only this time isn’t he just playing around with it. No, he’s putting it against his throat, the tip of the blade barely touching his skin.
“Tell me you love me. That you don't mean any of this” He starts to push the tip of the dagger into his skin slowly. “Youre just bluffing.” You snort and roll your eyes. “Am I?” Lohen starts to drag the tip over his skin and a streak of red comes to life. It starts off a small slit but the more you look at it the more blood comes out. He positions his dagger at another spot on his throat again and you start panicking. “No, no, Lohen, stop it!” You yell, taking the dagger from his hand and throwing it somewhere down the floor.
The blood continues to flow and you press your sleeve against it for the material to soak up the blood. “Tell me you love me.” He whispers like a little kid making a wish that’s only for a certain pair of ears to hear. “Ther’s no one else for me.” Lohen starts off as he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. “None of the other girls could ever compare to you, so tell me that you love me too.” You don’t answer and only look up at him with a look that tells him more than enough. “It’s not working out, Lohen, okay? Just leave please and never come back.” You plead, you weren’t able to fulfill one last act of kindness for someone, but you hope that Lohen will for you.
Lohen doesn’t say anything as he removes himself from your embrace nor does he look back once. He doesn’t tell you goodbye. No nothing and maybe that’s the best farewell you could’ve asked for and the one you deserved.
END NOTE: “I'm scared youre gonna abandon me so ill abandon you first.” Reader and Lohen probably + feli (me) too hahahahahahahah — call it a self insert atp
