╭──╯ RUIN THE FRIENDSHIP !
PAIRING: Sae Itoshi x gn!reader
SYNOPSIS: When Sae left for Spain, you regretted not ruining the friendship by telling him how you really feel. Having spent the past years trying to rid your lingering feelings for Sae, you’re hit with a whiplash as you meet him again at your middle school reunion and old feelings start to resurface. However you’re proven that it’s not that easy to get over your childhood love when Sae is adamant on making you his.
wordcount: 7.7k (trust me) | content & warnings: possibly ooc!sae, sae as kind of aloof, hard time reading social cues & blunt (i firmly believe in sae w undiagnosed asd but it’s not explicitly mentioned), jealous!sae, they’re childhood friends, reader and sae in a closet, sae has a hard time communicating, rin cameo, fluff, hurt/comfort (they clash), sae is yearning (in his own way — him and his emotional constipated ass), miscommunication, kabedon, attempt at kissing ; oneshot
CURRENT ORDER FOR TEA99: Felicity’s special blend which consists of a purple cup filled with Black Tea, with a splash of almond milk. It’s served on a platter along with a slice of Pandan Honeycomb cake
AUTHORS NOTE: taking my own special and calling it a day & this is what a one week cruise without wifi does to u
Nothing lasts forever, because time is an all returning tide that softly kisses the shore before it washes away everything, leaving no trace behind. Memories will be woven into the form of photos and trinkets until they're nothing more than remains of the past. When time flies, so does everything else with it, they’re carried into the sky and fly away from your grasp — quite literally so.
In your dictionary the definition for missing someone who was still alive would be Sae Itoshi — your former neighbour — the boy from next door.
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that Sae saw you in every stage of your early teenage years. From when you were eleven and got those hideous braces to fix your teeth (that you still regret to this day because why would you have chosen that design out of all the designs there were?) that made you lisp for the first two months you got them.
Or when you were twelve and had gotten your first bad mark because your teacher didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that it was your bench neighbour that copied the answers from your sheet. After that you wailed for the entirety of the day while Sae just sat there and nodded along while listening to you as you decided about how you’d quit going to school after this. (You still went the next day.)
Not to forget the time when you were thirteen and you finally tried to make a move on Sae. You had it all planned out: the when, the how and the where. Rin had liked horror movies from a young age on and he’d always ask Sae to watch them with him, so when you asked if you could watch a horror movie with them that’s when you seized your chance. The three of you sat in the living room and shared a blanket on the sofa. Your plan was simple: anxiously move around, wait for a jumpscare, yelp and hold Sae’s hand — it’s basically a foolproof plan.
It wasn’t hard to guess that the climax of the movie was soon, the anticipation built up and you felt your heart hammering against your chest along with it. “It’s time now” you thought to yourself and crept your hand under the blanket “Where is his hand?” the thought plagued you as your hand frantically roamed around. “What are you doing?” Sae spoke up quietly, accentuating every word and you jumped in your seat. Luckily Rin didn’t bat an eye and continued to focus on the movie. “Just searching for the remote.” you laughed sheepishly, embarrassed he caught you. “What? You’re scared?” He teased and quirked his eyebrow. “Pff, who me? No, never-“
Hurriedly you look back to the television and the universe just had to bite you in the ass after that. It was exactly in the moment when your eyes met the
screen that a jumpscare had appeared. “THE FUCK?!” You screamed and amidst the moment you accidentally pushed Sae off the sofa making him tumble down onto the floor. Safe to say that your plan was a failure.
However the same goes for you — you’ve also seen Sae grow up over the years. It was around the time the two of you entered first grade that you had to teach Sae how to be more polite. Sae had always been quite blunt and straight to the point — you’ve gotten used to it, but for others, especially adults it was a shock seeing a six year old telling their teacher that they have morning breath and asking them if they’ve never heard of brushing their teeth.
Many disliked Sae, be that classmates, teammates or other neighbouring children, with very few exceptions who did like him, still, that never seemed to faze him even in the slightest. In fact his confidence made you like him even more. Looking back Sae probably found you to be a stick in the mud and only tolerated you because his mother had forced him to, but you like to think that he eventually had started to enjoy having you around.
Because why else would Sae have met you outside in the dead of the night when you couldn’t sleep and stayed with you until you calmed down? He hung out with you after training, talked to you about his dreams of aiming to be the best striker in the world and never made any rude comment towards you like he did with others. (You might be a bit delusional for that one, but for Sae, being polite was quite literally a miracle, so you’ll take it.)
That was until Sae became the boy you had to say goodbye to. What would you do if your childhood best friend, also crush, left for god knows how long? There were still unresolved feelings which lingered between you and Sae — at least from your side.
‘Is it better to speak or to die?’ When you were 14 you practically lived off that quote and made it your entire personality, thinking you’re the most sophisticated person to walk this earth. When you first heard it online somewhere you just stole it and ran with it, so there wasn’t much originality to it, but it did motivate you to do some things — whether those were good or bad are debatable.
Because confessing to Sae shortly before he leaves maybe wasn’t the smartest decision you’ve made.
When his parents went to the washing rooms with Rin you decided to muster up the courage. “I hope you have lots of fun in Spain.” you told him before hugging him shortly. Sae wasn’t a big fan of physical contact, he’d always stiffen like a stone statue, however this would be the last time you see him, so can he blame you? After letting him go, Sae fixed his clothes, brushing over his wool sweater to iron it out. “Yeah I will. I’ll become the best striker in the world soon enough.” Based on the way his eyes shone, the folds of skin around them crinkled and how his usually aloof expression took on a smile, you could tell that he meant it sincerely — it’s always been his dream after all.
“Yeah, definitely.” you assured him, fully believing in him. You didn’t know it yet, but the next time you’d see Sae neither of you would be the same. But maybe a small part of you did know and that’s why you decided to confess your feelings back then. “You know Sae.” It started off awkwardly, you still remember it as if it just happened. You vividly remember the way his head turned and how a small “hm?” escaped his lips. On the inside you felt yourself hesitating, thinking it’s not too late to back out now. Still, even back then, you knew that if not now, Sae would slither through the gaps of your fingers like flowing sand. “I actually used to have this big crush on you.” Too ashamed by your own words, you turned your head away from Sae and laughed nervously. “But don’t worry! Not anymore!” You quickly added as you continued to laugh to cover up your embarrassed state. Not wanting to stay in this situation any longer you ushered Sae to go away, motioning with your hands for him to leave now. “Have a safe travel. Text me when you land!” From your peripheral vision you saw his parents returning and stepped back from Sae. “[Name.]” Sae called out your name and you tilted your head to the side, and shot him a bashful look. He opened his mouth and croaked out some incoherent sounds as if the words that lied on the tip of his tongue got mixed up. His next attempt to talk was interrupted both by his parents and an announcement.
“Flight 1211 will now depart. The last passengers please board the plane. Thank you.”
Rin ran up to Sae and looked at him with big eyes. “Big bro, your flight! You need to go now!” The younger Itoshi brother said as he was beaming with a smile so sweet that the cherry blossoms which grow in your shared hometown, Kamakura, don’t even compare to. (You haven’t seen Rin smile like that for a while.)
That was Sae’s cue to leave. After this moment you won’t see him again for a while and maybe that made it worse because you didn’t know how long that while would be. No, you weren't over Sae Itoshi, in fact his farewell made your heart ache even more for him.
As soon as that realisation hit you, it felt like there was an invisible border that separated the two of you — one which both of you knew better than to overstep.
It was an all too familiar line. It’s the same line Sae used to draw in the sand with the wooden stick he got from the icicle; he’d always buy one when you went to the beach. The line was supposed to represent a border that marked your territories to establish where one’s territory ended and where the others started. It was a silent mutual agreement between the two of you.
In response to Rin, Sae hummed in acknowledgment and you’re still not sure to this day, but it looked like he swallowed the words he wanted to say to you in the end. “Yeah, you’re right.” He nodded at Rin and his parents before casting his gaze over to you. “See you.” Wistful cerulean eyes met yours and even though his face didn’t say it, his eyes told you enough. You think that that was the saddest you have ever seen Sae. He shot you one last smile, one that doesn't quite reach his eyes as he waved his hand towards you before going through the check in.
——
There’s someone talking in your ear, but you can’t hear it over the loud thudding of the music and people talking. Moreover your mind is completely elsewhere. Why’d that memory suddenly pop up in your mind, and out of all times, now?
“I guess what I’m trying to say is if you wanna go out for drinks some time?” The question snaps you out of your memories, transporting you back to the present. You shake your head and blink rapidly, to the point where you can feel your eyes tearing up. The drink in your hand almost spills from how tightly you’re holding the plastic cup. “Wait, I’m so sorry. What did you say?” Apologetically you turn to the person who was talking to you for almost the entirety of the whole reunion. Not to lie, but you didn’t have any clue who this guy was. From what you’ve gathered his name is Shin, his classroom was next to yours and apparently he was also on the middle school football team with Sae. Not like you really paid attention to anyone other than Sae, so you never really noticed any of his teammates until you were approached this evening. However he does seem like a nice person. Well spoken, sweet, quite polite and doesn’t look bad either.
He — Shin as you learned — profusely coughs in his hand before swallowing as if to prepare for what he’s about to say. “I meant to ask if you have any interest in going ou—“. Before you can fully listen to what he has to say, you get interrupted. “Guys! Don’t just stand around. Come over here and play!” The host — your former class rep — comes over to the two of you and invites you to join her and the others who are sitting in the living room, circling around what seems to be some sort of bottle.
“Sure, why not.” Upon your agreement she happily grabs your hand and leads you to the living room, Shin following the two of you. You look back over your shoulder and whisper to Shin. “What is it you wanted to say?” In response to your question he just chuckles, shakes his head and mouths something you don't quite get, leaving you confused.
Not wanting to pry any further you follow your former class rep as she leads you over to her friends who are all sitting on one side of the room. They all have matching hair tinsels—how cute—you think to yourself as you observe the shiny gold strands in your class reps hair. Shin on the other hand gets pulled away by a group of guys—his friends you presume. One of them slings an arm over Shin’s shoulder and whispers something into his ears. Whatever it is, it makes Shin laugh and he shakes his head as he says something to his friend. Amused by whatever his friend said he playfully swats said friend’s arm away before his eyes find yours and he waves his hand. You look around to see if he means you and he confirms by nodding enthusiastically. Not quite sure how to respond, you give him a small smile, unaware of a pair of cerulean eyes watching you from across the room.
There’s a lot more people gathering in the living room now and more familiar faces start to pop up.
Sitting on the sofa is the girl who won the running race at every sports festival, the same group of people who performed at the school festival are still hanging out together and—oh—the captain of the baseball club—wait—THAT captain of the baseball club? Not trusting your eyes you ask the girl next to you and she confirms it for you. Your eyes widen in disbelief as you see him walking into the living room. Back in middle school your friend was head over heels for him, even going as far as gifting him chocolates on Valentine’s Day and confessing to him after graduation. If she’d be here she would totally freak out.
When he stops to check his phone you don’t even let a second pass. There’s no way you're gonna let this chance slip away—you have to take a picture for your friend. Hastily you pat your jeans to find your phone. Now your only mission was to somehow find a way to sneakily take a picture without looking like a complete stalker that’s been counting down all the days until middle school reunion to take a picture of him from afar.
Luckily for you, he’s still looking down at his phone. Carefully you zoom into his face, getting a better look at him was essential. But the more you look at him the more you realise something—wow—your friend does have a type, now that you think back of her ex-boyfriends.
All of a sudden there's something blocking your camera; someone’s standing in front of your phone. Expecting to see maybe Shin or one of your old classmates, you look up, however you weren’t prepared for the person standing in front of you.
It’s sudden, terrifying and at the same time embarrassing, how your heart rate immediately increases. Your heart races in your chest. You feel it jumping against your ribcage urging to run away—as if it’ll explode if it doesn’t escape from the insides of your body. Like there is something on the line.
Except there is something. “Everyone’s gawking.” The blunt words linger in the air and you’re reminded of who’s talking to you. Too stunned to say anything you stay quiet, amidst it all still managing to put your phone down your lap. “Youre like the sixth person who took a photo of me since I came here.” He eyes the tiny gap next to you and on instinct you move. You understand it immediately—it’s something that’s been ingrained in your brain—something you always did, as you inch away to make space for him.
In response to your gesture, he merely nods as a way of saying thanks, before sitting himself next to you on the floor. Your mind still can’t comprehend it, this must be some sort of illusion. “Sae?” It’s barely a whisper, but it’s the only thing you seem to be able to say at this moment, your mind still short circuiting over him being here and sitting next to you.
He doesn’t say anything, maybe because he doesn’t feel the need to, Sae’s never been a talkative person after all. Still, there are so many questions popping up in your head, so many that you don’t even know what to ask first.
Should you be worried? That might not be the most appropriate reaction, maybe you should be happy? Still, that doesn't seem right—perhaps relieved would do? The more you think about what you should feed the more you start to doubt yourself. Maybe Sae didn’t want you to react at all? All of your emotions are starting to stack together like a tower of plates, which is just waiting for the right moment to tumble down to end up shattering into a mess of shards.
Your train of thought doesn’t have the time to drive to any other thoughts due to your class rep interrupting to explain the mechanics of the game. There’s not much to it; it’s quite simple. After spinning the bottle, the two lucky people who sit where the ends of the bottle point at, have to go into an enclosed storage room for ten minutes and have time to kiss. If they don’t, whether they decide against it out of personal reasons or something else, the outcome is the same. Both of them are forced to down some kind of alcohol mixture with something you don’t even want to know.
This reunion might as well just be a typical week for middle school with all the things that are happening. People are already talking and whispering amongst themselves as the game proceeds and the further it goes, the more it reminds you of middle school; it’s like you're on a field trip again, sharing a room with your closest friends and playing truth or dare past midnight.
There are so many unlikely pairs which you would’ve never thought of ever seeing together—hell—you’re certain that they also haven’t ever talked to each other in middle school. Then there were others with unrequited crushes or exes who ended on bad terms. As for the others who weren’t so lucky, they had to endure the punishment of drinking a mixture of alcohol, some fruit juices, soft drinks and sometimes even condiments.
It’s all fun and games until it’s your turn. The bottle with the end where the bottle cap is located, lands on you, you look over to who sits at the opposite end of the bottle and to your surprise you see Shin who’s already grinning at you. It wouldn’t take an expert to determine that he looks delighted and quite happy, that claim of yours is practically being supported by how his friends cheer on him. Shin helps himself up, stands up straight and looks at you with this expectant glimmer that makes you feel uneasy and your gut churn together. Everything seems to still in that moment, the chatter, the music, the people. It’s futile—the way you tell yourself to stand up and walk over to Shin, simply because that’s what everyone expects you to do. However you can’t and there’s a simple reason for that, unlike the person you love—Sae.
Sae is difficult to read—he’s always been a closed off person. Everything about him is neatly tucked away, hidden behind a curtain of thorns that sting when you try to squeeze yourself past them. Still, when you do manage to fight them off, you’ll find that beneath all of these sharp thorns there’s a delicate rose that waits for you in all its purity—its delicate petals start to bloom when you get closer to it. Take a step closer to Sae and you take a step into his heart, you’ll find out that there's much more to him than his seemingly apathetic demeanour.
As ridiculous as it sounds, you have to refuse because of a puppy love that you haven’t been able to get over. In the past four years you have gone on dates with other people and they were great, so it wasn’t like that your whole love life revolves around Sae. Also, there’s no way you could ever discredit those people's efforts to get to know you, in fact they tried their best, but it was always you who ran away before it could develop into something more serious. You were the one who stopped responding to messages after a while, pretended not to know them when you walked past them on the streets or turned down invitations when you knew that they’d be there.
No matter how much you try to deny it, there’s a part inside of you that's unmistakably still in love with Sae Itoshi. There are fragments of Sae’s personality that only have ever been exposed to you, and yes, maybe it’s selfish to want to keep those to yourself—in fact you don’t want to risk them being shown to someone else, because that would mean that you’re no longer special to him.
For thinking like this Sae would surely call you stupid, because he isn’t some sort of exclusive celebrity (except he kind of is) and just because others learn more about him that doesn’t equal you being of any lesser worth. Still, he is your Sae and you know what kind of person he is.
He was always aiming to be the best there is; any medal other than gold was something Sae refused to accept. That’s why he left for Spain. To become better. Simultaneously you tried to do the same—becoming a better version of yourself that you can be proud of, pursuing dreams and different relationships. You succeeded in doing so—at least that's what you thought. Seeing that Sae is once again entering your life, you think that you haven’t changed at all—you’re the same 14 year old chasing after one of his rare smiles and affirmations. Just by being here, Sae has once again turned your whole world upside down.
A love you develop for someone at the age of 14 can’t last, it’s just a fleeting crush that exists because you don’t know the person—is something you’d probably think if it weren’t for Sae.
You’re almost certain that even if Sae hadn’t come this evening you still would’ve decided against kissing Shin by telling him some on the spot made up reason. But now that Sae is here, everything inside you tells you that you most definitely can’t, simply because of Sae’s presence. Is it pathetic to have lingering feelings for your childhood best friend? Maybe.
Once more you’re drowning in a pool of memories. Only when someone calls out your name, are you able to pay attention. Everyone’s staring at you, their gazes heavy as they observe your every move. The way your fingers tremble under the dim purple lights, how your eyes flicker around the crowd and they might as well hear your heartbeat from how loud it’s hammering.
This shouldn’t be so difficult—if you do it now you’re done with it, just be honest and there’ll be no hard feelings. Stand up, spend time with Shin in the room, tell him you can’t do it and face the humility of drinking one of these mystery mixtures. Just as you were about to stand up and do as you planned, a hand grabs your wrist and pulls you upwards—Sae.
His hand feels cold to the touch and his grip is harshly pressing against your forearm that you’re sure it’ll leave marks, but you don’t fight it; you indulge in it, granting him the chance of continuing.
The people in the living room start gathering around you, watching as Sae drags you into the enclosed storage room. He pushes the door open and throws you inside, the wall cushioning you, as you press your palms against it to prevent a hard fall.
“Ouch.” you remark drily, sarcasm dripping off your tongue. It’s only then when you notice how annoyed Sae looks that this closet is tiny; it’s no more than a small storage for brooms and some canned goods. “Still not a fan of small spaces?” You attempt to begin a conversation with him, but Sae doesn’t react. On the contrary his face is blank, his lips press into a thin line and his eyes search for something to fixate on so he doesn’t lose his composure. You recognise that expression, he makes the same face when he tries to puzzle pieces of information together or overwrites them, because they differed from the information he had previously gathered.
Sae had always said what's on his mind—each and every single thought—meaning that utmost honesty was to be nothing to be surprised about. So, seeing that he’s at a loss for words, is rare. You don’t say anything, knowing that if you disturb him he’ll lose his train of thought.
There’s barely any space between the two of you and you start feeling warm. Everything is too much too process. Your clothes are sticking too tightly on your skin, your hair is plastered all over your face and your lips feel incredibly dry as you brush over them.
“I thought you liked me.” Sae says all of a sudden, his words startling you. If you weren’t overstimulated enough from the sensory overload, you were now as well emotionally overwhelmed. “I,” you stutter, the words are stuck in your throat. “I’m sorry?” You croak out quietly. Sae simply blinks, his bottom lashes fluttering as he repeats his words. “No, no,” you laugh, eyes roaming around the enclosed space. “I understood you the first time. I’m just,” you inhale deeply, because this isn’t what you expected; this wasn’t the outcome of what you had in mind. “I’m just surprised.” You confess to him, before quickly switching the topics. “I mean, yeah, I like you. We’re childhood friends after all.”
Sae’s eyebrows furrow together, suggesting that you misread his intentions. “I didn’t mean it like that.” The worst part of it all is that you know what he’s referring to, and you’re sure that’s why Sae looks so frustrated right now. Embarrassed that he caught on to you makes your eyes meet the ground. You’ve always had a bad habit of denying things you were embarrassed of which oftentimes led to miscommunications between the two of you. As it seems, things haven’t really changed a lot. “If it’s about the confession you don’t have to worry.” You thought it’d be easy to say these words out loud, but you can feel how your cheeks are burning up, probably reddening by the second. “I already told you that I don’t have a crush on you anymore.” Sae lets out an exasperated sigh and you can practically feel the annoyance it carries. His reaction makes you look up, afraid you might have offended him. Somehow you say the first things that comes to mind. “Seriously, that was sooo long ago. I don’t like you like that anymore.”
You look at him, expecting him to sigh again or to maybe just stay quiet, because he’s tired of explaining, however you aren’t prepared for his next words. “But I do.” Three simple words leave you more breathless than any “I love you.” It’s an objection that makes your heart flutter and your mind spin in a way that only Sae could manage to do. Still, this doesn’t feel right nor real. “Sorry?” You express confusion, because although your heart is overjoyed and jumping from happiness, your mind still can’t fathom it. “Yeah.” Sae confirms it as if it’s the easiest thing in the world; he’s been waiting to say this.
The longer you wait for something the more you want it. Humans are sociable beings that crave for bits of attention, because mutual understanding and love creates a bond that cannot be recreated alone. For one cannot survive a life alone that is meant to be shared by many. Meaning that even someone as reserved as Sae, like anyone else, has the need for human interaction, in his case, with you as the center.
“You like me.” Each word is heavily accentuated to make Sae hear himself and how unbelievable he sounds. But all Sae does is nod; he just shakes his head in approval. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.” The admission is so quiet that you don’t know if Sae even heard you. Whether he doesn’t acknowledge it on purpose or simply ignores your word is unknown to you, but it doesn't matter to him, if Sae has a goal in mind he’s keen on accomplishing it. “Do you like me?” And perhaps after all your doubt and uncertainty, you’re no better than Sae—it is you who fulfills his need. “Yeah.” You manage to say. The words lift a burden off your shoulders, because even after all this time, you can’t deny your feelings for him.
You thought that if you kept this a secret for a little longer the feelings would’ve gone away. That they would disappear. But every time you saw Sae on the billboards, social media or walked by his house which was quite literally every day, the feelings started to resurface. Each time stronger.
Alas, Sae is a person full of surprises and you recall the time when you were around ten years old. Sae and you have been talking about something for a while and somewhere during that conversation the word “difficult” fell from his mouth. All you remember after that was that your mother had to console you as she patted you on your back for the whole afternoon. It was only after Sae left that his mother explained the incident to you.
She saw you running off, looking upset and went up to Sae to ask him what had happened. Sae told her what the two of you talked about and how your expression changed into something he couldn’t describe, when he called you difficult. His mother then explained to you that Sae didn’t mean difficult in the sense that he was annoyed at you, but because he couldn’t figure you out. He tried solving you, but failed—that’s why he said that. She had explained that usually Sae doesn’t bother finding people out if he doesn’t understand them, but he genuinely wanted to know you. And then, when you ran off, Sae didn’t run or call after you not because he wasn’t worried, but because he never saw you sad and he was exposed to a new situation with no instruction on how to act.
Sae has a hard time figuring out other people’s feelings, moreover he has a more difficult time understanding his own. He doesn’t know why he feels a certain way and somehow when he tries to express it, people often get the wrong idea. With the little pieces he has about someone or the concept of something, Sae tries to piece together a picture of what is happening, but that doesn’t always work out in his favor.
Even if he doesn’t admit it, you know that Sae thinks of himself as a composed person who can maintain a clear head in every situation. So that’s why when he asks you: “If that’s true, would you also have kissed another person then?” You’re taken aback, because this wasn’t something Sae, out of all people, were to ask. Maybe as a way to confirm his thesis about you liking him, but there was something else in Sae’s voice—something that could only pinpoint to possessiveness. He means Shin, you’re sure of it. Granted, Sae is a rational person and you know that he’s never been much of a jealous or envious person, but there were times when he did become this kind of territorial person. His feelings don’t come from a place of insecurity or anxiety, but because he has the need to maintain what is his. You wouldn’t call it a pride thing, more like a safety measure for himself.
“I don’t know.” You whisper after a while—a lie. Back in middle school when Sae asked how you were doing (as a form of courtesy because his mother told him that small talk is a way of showing politeness) you’d always lie to him, going on about how you were doing fine and so on. Sae never really questioned it, because in his mind lying is useless, why’s there the need to lie; isn’t being truthful more useful? It’s only when one day you asked him if he really believes you’re always fine that Sae started to get an insight into your head. For what reason did you need to lie for? Sae never got it, he wasn’t mad at you because of it, he genuinely just didn’t understand what your purpose behind it was.
That’s why Sae knew that you were lying, he didn’t know what for, but he knew that you were being untruthful. “Don’t give me that crap.” Sae spits, the words coming out more aggressive than he had planned. In fact, Sae always says things in a monotone manner. As long as his message gets across, he doesn’t see the need to put any unnecessary emotion into his words. “Why are you so mad? I should be the one who’s mad.” Your eyebrows furrow together in confusion, because you didn’t expect Sae’s former habits to act up—Sae knew you didn’t like his way of being rude and honest. Perhaps that’s why you couldn't repress your own bad habits. Whenever Sae started being like this you’d become agitated and sensible about everything.
“I’m not mad.” Sae tries to explain, slowly catching on to the fact once again, he conveyed his thoughts wrongly. “Well, too bad because I am.” You sigh and run your fingers through your hair. “You left for four years. After the first few months I didn’t hear anything from you! It’s like you disappeared. Do you know how worried I was?” Your voice quivers as you recall the memories. Sae listens attentively as you continue. “Then one day when I did get a message from you it was some shitty birthday message.” You express frustratedly. “Also how about replying to my messages instead of leaving me on read?” You’re aware that something like that, something so little, is such nonsense, but to you it felt like any ounce of attention Sae gave you was enough to provide you with a sense of fulfilment for a while.
Whilst you were complaining you wiggled around with your hands in the storage room, your fingers managing to hit the shelf behind you and causing a number of cans to fall out. You don’t react fast enough to dodge one of the cans bumping your shoulder, it’s only then, when Sae pulls you by the waist and away from the shelf that you realize what position you’re in—Sae has you pinned to the wall. His one arm folded over your head and his other touching the wall behind you. From your position you can survey his face. You could almost count the row of his bottom lashes, the way his bangs start becoming loose and how nicely they frame his face and how his teal eyes gaze downwards at your lips, almost like on instinct, you do the same.
Realizing what you’re doing and the position you’re in, you start becoming flustered and end up pushing Sae away. Sae doesn’t complain, in fact it almost seems like he lets you do as you please. You turn away from Sae, your back now facing his head. “Then, if you had been paired with someone else, would you have kissed them?” In actuality you don’t want to hear the answer, because it doesn’t matter what it is. You press your teeth into your bottom lip, the contact sharp as you feel the canines gnawing at the flesh. “No.” His response is immediate, like he doesn’t even need to think about it. The way he says it—the calmness behind it, it makes you wonder if you’re perhaps overreacting. Sae is no liar, far from it, still you don’t know if you have it in you to fully forgive Sae yet. “And now I’m supposed to trust your word after you don’t trust me?” You turn around and snap at him. “It’s up to you to decide.” He merely shrugs and you’re quiet after that. Because after all these and now when given the chance to let go of him Sae comes back like nothing happened and confesses to you as if it is the easiest thing in the entire world.
“When I left for Spain you confessed to me.” Hearing that Sae brings up that memory again you can’t help but groan. “We’ve been over that matter,” you sigh in annoyance. “Yes, yes I confessed to you. Happy now?” You ask, the words laced in exhaustion. Nevertheless, Sae sure knows how to wake you up to the point where his mere words can stir something inside you. “I wanted to tell you that I liked you too and still did, but then my parents came.” He explains, his hands now stuffed in the pocket of his jeans as he looks at you. When you think back, there’s an image of Sae swallowing his words down that flashes in your mind. “Then why didn’t you say anything all these years?” You complain, wanting to know what has made him decide that keeping it to himself would be a good idea. “I thought you were over me, but I wanted to see for myself before accepting it.” He confesses and you’re stunned. “That’s one way to do it.” You scoff sarcastically, crossing your arms over your torso. “Couldn’t you have just texted me?” You say before your mouth forms a small o-shape. “Oh right, you never responded to me.” You remark and you look at him through half lidded eyes.
Sae combs his fingers through his hair before sighing. “You know I don’t talk a lot. I just didn't see any reason to.” He sighs before tilting his head to the side. “Was reading them not enough? It means I saw them.” You don’t want to blame Sae for things he cannot control, you know he doesn’t mean it with bad intent, but that doesn’t make his words hurt any less. “It makes me feel important. Like I’m still a part of your life.” You start off. “Everyone knows your name now and I just feel like I’ve just become a bystander of your life, like everybody else.” Sae’s following silence after your words makes you feel uneasy. Have you blamed him for something unreasonable and started projecting your own insecurity onto him?
“Is that how you felt?” He eventually speaks up and his eyes find yours. Over the years you’ve learned that Sae’s eyes express the most emotion, whether that be a little squint of his eyes when he’s confused, rolling his eyes when he’s irritated or how his eyes slightly widen when he sees something he likes. “Yeah, it’s dumb. I know, okay, but like,” you stop mid sentence not even sure what it is you want to say. Sae uses your silence to move closer to you, the remaining space between the two of you almost gone. “I’m gonna be honest I don’t understand why you feel like that.” His words make your heart drop to your stomach, you want to say something, but you’ve reached your limit. “Because you’ve always been more than just a bystander. I never saw you like that.” It’s funny to the point where it’s kind of pathetic, the way Sae makes you feel. “Just because I didn’t text you regularly, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t think about you on the regular.” You’re sure that your heart just skipped a beat, because that wasn’t what you anticipated for him to say. “What do you mean?”
Sae looks away, seemingly embarrassed. “I remember when I first came to Spain I’d often go to the beach.” He breathes in deeply before turning his gaze back to you, a small smile grazing his lips. “I thought about you there.” His confession makes you feel warm and fuzzy and you can’t help but let a smile of your own slip out. “Any time before a game I’d look at my stupid horoscope like you always did for me.” He huffs in something you’d describe as amusement. “It’s not stupid though.” You let out a cheerful laugh and Sae’s expression softens, his eyes resting as he sees your happy expression. “It is.” He scoffs, but you can sense the fondness beneath his words. “But I like it cause it reminded me of you.” He admits and at his words, you can’t help but smile. Sae wasn’t a person of many words, but all the words he did say, you know that they’re all sincere.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” He says and you can’t help but roll your eyes in amusement. “You have a lot more to do when you think I’m gonna forgive you that easily.” To your dismay, Sae might have taken this quite literally and he quirks his eyebrow in confusion. “Like what?” The more he looks at you the more you curse yourself for that stupid remark because why did you feel the need to say that? “Like uh,” you cough and start feeling your cheeks burning up as you try to think of something. “Let’s just discuss this somewhere else. You know, appropriate time and place.” You laugh awkwardly, but unfortunately Sae doesn’t seem to be fazed by your words. “We could kiss.” Sae says it so easily you think you misheard. “What?” You shriek, though Sae’s reaction makes you put your hands over your mouth in response to him twitching at your voice. You mouth a “sorry” after putting your hands down and Sae just shakes his head, the corners of his mouth crinkling.
He pulls out his phone and shows you the time—there’s one minute left. “Or are you eager to drink today?” You immediately shake your head, eyes widening at the mere thought of drinking some vodka, lemon soda mixed with tabasco sauce. It’s then when Sae eyes your mouth and looks upwards to your eyes that you realise what situation you’re in. 13 year old you would not believe you if you told them that Sae, out of all people, would be the first to initiate a kiss. You gulp and nod in response to his proposal and he reaches forward to softly cradle your face, looming over you, before closing his eyes and leaning in.
Not wanting to embarrass yourself you close your eyes and pout your lips together before leaning forward, you can feel Sae inching closer and closer, his warm breath ghosting over your lips. It’s clumsy, the way your noses bump against each other first, but the both of you try anyway. He gingerly presses his lips onto yours before, there’s barely any contact, because he’s only grazing your upper lip with his mouth but—
“AND TIME’S UP.” Your school comrades practically burst through the door with your class rep holding up her phone. On it is a timer set for 10 minutes that had already run out.
Ashamed that you had been caught you quickly push Sae away, making him fall into a tower of plastic buckets as you scramble away from him. Sae rubs his forehead and groans as you put your hand at the side of your head to shield you from the prying eyes that are looking at you.
It happens so quickly, but the door is being closed shut again, that you don’t even process it at first. Only when you hear a “Don’t mind us!” Come from the other side of the door can you relax and sigh in relief. You move closer to Sae to check up on him. “I’m sorry for that.” You giggle as you look at Sae's disheveled state. On the other hand Sae doesn’t look as amused as you do, but he lets out a fond sigh, that tells you more than enough.
Outside the chatter doesn't die down and you start hearing some:
“I told you guys that there was something between them ever since middle school. See, I told you the rumours weren't fake!”
“Didnt he always reject valentines gifts from girls? I honestly thought he was gay.”
“No way! I’ve actually had him as the anti-romantic type.”
Upon hearing everything that’s being said about the two of you, you can’t help but laugh. Sae snorts at your reaction, before smiling at you as he watches how you have to calm yourself down from laughing.
There are lots of things that Sae and you still have to work on. Many of them find their origin deeply rooted in your shared past, but if you can wait four years for Sae, the man you love, you’re also willing to spend the next four years and the years to come, to figure things out with Sae. All that matters is that you do it together.
BONUS:
Sae rings the doorbell once and the front door is opened almost immediately. “Sae..Itoshi?” Someone who Sae doesn’t recognise calls out his name (not like he really recognised anyone here), the guy's mouth is wide agape as he continues to stare at Sae. Not bothering to pay attention to him, Sae just walks past the guy and inside the home, before pulling off his shoes. “Itoshi, I didn’t expect to see you here.” What a loud voice, he thinks. One that rings a bell for him though and is oddly familiar. The girl walks up to him and bumps him on the arm. “Now whatcha doing here.” Sae just grunts, not in the mood to respond, instead he scans the room and his eyes almost immediately land on a figure—you—who’s standing at the kitchen counter. However you’re not alone, someone else who Sae reckons as familiar, stands close to you and is talking your ears off. The girl's gaze follows Sae’s before she turns to him and smirks. “Had a change of heart, huh?” She says teasingly, before she runs off. Her back faces Sae and all he sees is the golden plastic strands woven into her hair swaying from side to side as she runs up to you and the guy.
END NOTE: oh yeah i read blue lock like 2 years ago and larp the chapters off tiktok but my love for Sae never died okay… also justice for shin #plotdevice and shoutout to the class rep #bestwingwoman + also, if you wanna read my thoughts for the fic and things I had in mind that go deeper into the characters you can find them HERE
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