life of a random

Living the life in the randomest way possible

[feliceperez]

Thought 22: Thank You, 2021.

Trust the process.

The first time I heard this phrase was from a retreat I went to more than 6 years ago. I never quite understood it the first time I heard it. At that time, I was about to cross borders: leaving the familiar walls and faces of Poveda, and entering my college journey. In my head, I was thinking “Process? What process?” Back then, I was busy thinking about how was I going to take everything in, starting from not going to the university I really wanted, and starting my college journey earlier while the rest of my friends enjoyed a 5-month summer vacation because of the academic calendar shift. Since my mind was elsewhere that time, I did not really have the chance to fully grasp the meaning of trusting the process, whatever that meant. Fast forward to more than 5 years later, I encountered this phrase again during the pandemic, some time after my college graduation when I finally found time to be by myself. That time, I was facing a lot of uncertainties: life after college, law school, future plans, rocky relationships, work applications, COVID-19 putting the world in a halt. So many things were happening all at once, and there were a lot of other things that were going through my mind. My insecurities were at its peak, traumas from the past haunt me every now and then, the burned out feeling where I just wanted to not do anything, and the loneliness I felt was so great that even if I had people talking to me, I still felt that I was all on my own. This was the time where I wanted to hide, I wanted to run from my problems, and I complained endlessly why things weren’t going the way I wanted them to go. I felt like I was stuck a dark hole with no way out, chained to a heavy boulder pulling me down every time I tried to get up. Seeing this phrase again gave me a glimmer of hope I never really understood, the unknown hand I held to without me knowing where it was going to lead me. I entered 2021 pressured and full of fear and uncertainty of what was going to happen in my future.

My 2021 started with me getting my own dog. I was so confused that day because for the longest time, I was not allowed to have a dog  since nobody was home most of the time. But since we were in a pandemic and I have not really gone out of the house, my mom saw it as a chance for me to have a companion during the days when I am home alone. I saw this as a plus for me, because I have always wanted a dog to take care for and play with. However, even then, it did not make sense to me for a puppy to come at that point in my life, since I was too busy thinking and planning how was I going to find work to finally get my life as an adult started. But I went along with it, seeing how my mom wanted to have the poodle puppy as well. We named him Nugget because of his chicken nugget shaped ears. Some weeks passed, and over time I saw how much I needed Nugget with me. He became my angel and baby who lifted away my stress even just for a little while every time I was with him. Whenever I’d feel tired or down, I can just play with him or get him out of his crate and cuddle him like my own child. He always knew when I was down, and he’d always just snuggle to me whenever I took him out of his crate when I need to release some emotions. He eased the loneliness I was feeling, and became the silver lining that helped me get through the most difficult days and nights I had this year. 

Months passed by, and there have been countless times I’ve asked myself where was I going wrong, if I was not good enough for anything, if I was looking for work and happiness in the wrong places. I thought with Nugget with me, I can finally keep going. But as I saw people around me finally getting a headstart in their life, friends already progressing in their careers, I could not help but feel tired, envious and insecure. It was already more than half a year since I graduated, but I was not getting accepted to any work. I could not understand what was happening, and to top it off, people kept pulling me down and adding to the already heavy burden I was carrying. Nothing was making sense, and for a few weeks I was just in my bed, totally lost, burned out, and unsure where my life was headed. My future seemed so blurry for me. I could not get a vision of what I wanted to do, of what life I wanted, of who I was supposed to be. I was starting to get scared because I didn’t want to stay like that for such a long time, and it was the first time in my life where I was unsure of everything that I was doing. 

But just like a wake up call, a hand reaching out to me, I encountered the phrase again: Trust the process.

Tired of being in a slump and not knowing what else to do, I made it my phone’s wallpaper so that I won’t forget it. It was tiring, it was not easy, but I let each day pass by with me doing what I can do and accomplish. Each day felt like a drag for me, but whenever I see my wallpaper, I pull myself back up and kept moving forward, still unsure of where I was headed. Bombs were dropped in my path, fear clouded my rational sense, but a voice kept telling me “Keep going, trust me”. Eventually, I was starting to gain back my sense of self again, alongside plot twists and miracles that I never knew I’d live to see. I was starting to be happy again, I was starting to make memories again. I was starting to meet amazing people, have achievements, to know myself in ways better than ever before. Slowly, I was beginning to see and understand why I went through the things I went through. Slowly, I was beginning to understand the meaning of trusting the process of life. It was amazing to see how the timing of this phrase is so perfect each time it came by, but it took me time to finally understand what it means to go through the process of things and trust that process no matter how blurry, painful and scary it was. It was amazing to realize how from then until now, I was already being prepared for this  peaceful present I am currently in. It was amazing to see how my prayers even from before were slowly being turned into reality one by one. It was amazing to see that all this time, I was never alone, that I always had a Guide with me no matter what I went through. If you were going to ask me if I imagined myself to be where I am right now a year ago, my answer will be no.

2021 taught me to go through the course of things no matter how difficult, scary, and uncertain they may seem to be. This year showed me that sometimes, we have to acknowledge that we cannot take everything on our own and put everything under our control. Taking things on our own is a heavy weight to carry, and it was never a requirement for us to carry all of it by ourselves. Sometimes, we just need to let things flow at its own course, because everything that is meant for us will always happen in the right moment and time. When that happens, everything will just start falling into place. Trusting the process and letting things go liberated me from all the heavy weight I was carrying, and made me see and appreciate everything once again from a different light.

Looking back at how this year was like, I could not help but tear up as I started realizing that all the things I used to just pray for have unfolded right before my very eyes. I was really overwhelmed with all the plot twists I had this year, because each plot twist that came to me came at the most perfect timing possible. Each plot twist that came to me, I was just in awe, because when I start realizing all the things I had to go through for it, I would not want to have it any other way. I have nothing for this year but gratitude, because I would not have appreciated all the good things that happened to me if it weren’t for all the experiences I had from the beginning. Without me realizing it until later, 2021 became my year of growth, of happiness, of gratitude.

I entered 2021 fearful and anxious of what was to come for me. I’m leaving 2021 full of happiness, and with a grateful heart.

Here’s to a better and more fulfilling 2022 ahead! 

[feliceperez]

Thought 21: Cloudy Day

It’s been exactly a year since I graduated, and it seemed fitting to share what my college journey was like. Hope you like it!

One cloudy day in July, closer comes goodbye. As I enter uncertain halls, distant voices became my future calls.

Blue and white were the colors I aspired to be, but fate knew it was not meant to be. "Red and gold is what befits you, there are fights within that you need to subdue."

"Welcome to Freshstart!"  What a calming way to start. It was what I wanted, and here I was, thinking it was granted. But fate had another surprise, changing my idea of college paradise.

Days, weeks, and months pass, courses became difficult to surpass. Fate knew I cannot handle it alone, it gave me a silver lining that shone. Technology came in the form of friends, an unexpected love I thought knew no ends.

Months became years, it felt nice to hear and feel heartfelt cheers. Finally! I am halfway done, but little do I know, it was where my fights within had begun.

Old fears, old pains came rushing in, it was getting difficult to fake a grin. Evil forces me to succumb to temptation, making me think it will be my only consolation.

Choices made, regrets slowly drowned me, into an abyss I did not know how to flee. A glimmer of hope shone at the end, "Survive me and offer it up to see yourself ascend."

Light became brighter, burden became lighter. After shedding of what seemed to be endless tears, the miracle I thought will never come finally appears.

Walking once again where grass should be, silhouettes of happiness flashed under my favorite tree. Passing through what once were halls of uncertainty, I found myself smiling, Realizing that all this time, this university radiated reason and positivity.

On a cloudy day in August, the day finally came to say goodbye. As I leave what once were uncertain halls, distant voices became my future calls, to a red and golden place that became my home.

[feliceperez]

Thought 20: Takbo, Bilis, Takbo!

This was a short story I wrote for my Filipino 103 class back in college. I stumbled upon this during my dig in my old files and I ought to share this with you. For the purpose of posting, I have made revisions on this.

“Papasok na ako, Dad!”, sigaw ng isang kolehiyala sa kanyang ama na nagbibihis sa kabilang kwarto para pumasok sa trabaho. Nagmamadali siyang umalis ng condo unit dahil mahuhuli na siya sa kanyang klase na nakatakdang magsimula alas-nuwebe ng umaga. Sumagot naman nang kanyang ama na natatawa, “Sige Elise, bilisan mo ang takbo at mag-ingat ka.” Pagkababa at pagkalabas ng dalaga sa gusali, dali-dali niyang nilakad ang maingay at mataong kalsada na napapalibutan ng mga gusali upang hindi mabilang sa mga lumiban para sa kanyang unang klase.

Ganyan ang araw-araw na gawain ni Elise bago pumasok sa pamantasan. Gigising, maliligo, at magbibihis ng kanyang karaniwang pantalon, t-shirt, at puting sapatos. Tanging suklay at pantali sa buhok lamang ang gamit ng dalaga sa pag-aayos sa sarili dahil hindi naman niya ugaling maglagay ng kolorete sa mukha. Mas gusto niya ang natural na kulay at ayos: hindi masyadong maputi, ngunit hindi rin masyadong kayumanggi; mahaba ang buhok na nakalugay o naka-pugong. Para sa dalaga, sapat na sa kanya ang kanyang ayos dahil siya ay papasok lamang sa pamantasan at hindi naman nagpunta doon upang magpaganda. Sa pamantasan, madalas siyang mapagkamalang Haponesa dahil sa kanyang mga bilugan ngunit may pagka-singkit pa ring mga mata, matangos na ilong at bilugang mukha. Payat at hindi katangkaran din ang dalaga, kaya marami-rami din ang humahanga sa pisikal na anyo nito. 

Kadalasan, gabi na nakakauwi ang dalaga mula sa maghapong araw ng klase. Madalas siya ang nauuna sa kanyang ama na makarating sa bahay dahil parati siya ang huling umaalis ng opisina.  Pagdating nang kanyang ama, mapaaga man o mapa-lalim ang gabi ang kanyang uwi, ay tahimik silang maghahapunan dahil gusto ng kanyang ama na maaga siya makatulog para sa kanyang klase kinabukasan. Gustuhin man niyang kwentuhan ang kanyang ama nang mga nangyari sa kanya sa araw na iyon, hindi niya iyon magawa sapagkat mas gusto ng kanyang ama na makapagpahinga sila ng maaga kaysa magkwentuhan nang kung anu-anong bagay.

Isang araw, habang si Elise ay nasa kasagsagan ng pagsusuri sa isang kasong ginamit na halimbawa nang kanyang guro, naramdaman niyang nag-vibrate ang kanyang cellphone sa kanyang bulsa. Lumabas siya ng silid upang tugonan ang tawag, at nakita niya ang pangalan ng kanyang ama. Nagtatakang sinagot ni Elise ang tawag dahil hindi naman siya tinatawagan ng ama pwera kung may kailangan. Sa pagsagot ng dalaga, nagulat siya dahil iba ang tinig na nasa kabilang linya. Binalita nang boses na iyon na ang kanyang ama ay isinugod sa ospital dahil hinimatay siya habang naglalaro ng bowling kasama ang mga ka-opisina. Nakiusap sila na pumunta si Elise sa ospital upang kanilang makausap. Nag-paalam si Elise sa kanyang guro at dumerecho agad sa emergency room ng ospital kung saan nakita niya ang kanyang ama. Sinalubong si Elise ng kanyang tiya, na kapatid ng kanyang ama, at sinamahan siyang kausapin ang doktor na nag-aasikaso sa kanyang ama. Ayon sa doktor, hinimatay daw ang kanyang ama dahil sa sobrang stress at pagod na nakasama sa kanyang puso na naging dahilan ng kanyang pagka-atake. Nang dinala ng doktor si Elise sa silid nang aking ama, siya ay nagimbal sa aking nakita. Ang dati rati’y daig pa ang kalabaw sa lakas niyang magbuhat, ngayon ay dinaig pa ang mga matatanda sa pagiging maselan at mahina. Ang dating morenong bilugang mukha na parating masigla at may ngumingiti pang mga mapupungay na mata ay pinalitan ng maputla at mga mata na nakapikit, pilit ikinukubli ang sakit na nadarama. Ang dating malaking tao na kailangan pang tingalain upang makausap ng maayos ay ngayon mas maliit pa kay Elise dahil sa pagkakahiga. Unang beses ni Elise na makita ang kanyang amang nakaratay sa kama na may maraming nakakabit na kung ano-ano sa kanyang katawan. Sabi ng doktor ay para daw iyon sa pag-obserba nila, lalo na sa kanyang puso dahil mahina na daw ito. Sinabihan din si Elise ng doktor na kailangan niya itong makausap upang makabuo sila ng analisasyon sa nangyari sa kanyang ama. Pagpasok ni Elise at ang kanyang tiya sa silid ng dokton, tinatanong ng doktor kung ano ang malimit na kinakain nang kanyang ama at kung anu-ano ang malimit na ginagawa niya sa mga nagdaang araw. Sa sandaling iyon, walang masagot sa doktor si Elise kung hindi “hindi ko alam”. Paglabas ni Elise ng silid, hindi na nya napigilang humagulgol, dahil kahit ang mga paboritong gawain, pagkain at inumin ng kanyang ama ay ni minsang hindi niya naitanong sa kanya. Pakiramdam ni Elise ay isa siyang napakasamang anak sa kanyang ama, dahil sa tinagal-tagal nang panahon na kasama niya ito ay hindi man lang niya kinilala ang kanyang ama. Ani ni Elise, “Sintulin kong kumilos tuwing umaga ang pagdaan ng mga oras at panahon na sana ay nagamit ko upang mas makilala ang aking ama.” Humagulgol na lamang si Elise sa labas ng silid ng kanyang ama.

Biglang may tila isang kamay na yumuyugyog kay Elise at boses na sinasabi ay “Gising, Elise, gising.” Ginising siya ng kanyang tiya sa isang masamang panaginip. Namumugto ang mga mata ni Elise at ang unang hinanap nito ay ang kanyang ama. “Nasan si Dad, Tita?” Tanong ni Elise sa kanyang tiya na gumising sa akin. Hindi nagsasalita ang kanyang tiya. “Tita, asan si Dad?” Tanong muli ng dalaga sa tiya. Sabi ng kanyang tiya, “Elise, nakalimutan mo na bang nasan ang iyong ama?” Lumingon si Elise sa paligid. Ang daming taong nakaputi o naka-itim. Amoy na amoy din ang halimuyak ng mga bulaklak sa buong silid na tila ba ay sinasabihan siya nang “Bilisan mo Elise at bumangon ka na diyan.” Bumangon si Elise mula sa pagkakahiga sa upuan at nakita niya ang isang pilak na kahon sa kabilang dulo ng silid. Narinig niya ang paiyak na sabi ng tiya, “Nandoon ang iyong ama”, sabay turo sa pilak na kahon na nasa kabilang dulo ng silid.

[feliceperez]

Thought 19: Highest Form of Love

(Disclaimer: Pictures in this post were not taken by me)

For those who have known me long enough, they know how active I am in activities that aim to give back to the society. Ever since my grade school years, I always find myself drawn to communities, most especially those who are in the marginalized sector of society. I have Poveda to thank for that, because my exposure to the community in our academic and non-academic activities gave me a lot of realizations and helped me remain humble and share my blessings to those who need it the most.

Yesterday, I attended a webinar that give teachers a different perspective  and approach in how they teach, most especially during the pandemic where a drastic shift happened in terms of education practices. I was invited to the webinar since one of my former high school teachers was going to give a talk, and she will be using my testimony as part of the alumni testimonials in her presentation. Hearing how she and the other Povedan teachers discussed Poveda’s educational approach pre-pandemic up to present made me backtrack my memories on how I found my love for service and community. So this post will be about that, so that one day, in case I forget why I do what I do, I can just go back to this post and rekindle that fire again.

I started getting exposed to the community in Grade 7 through our KABALIKAT activity. For those who do not know, this activity was similar to NSTP LTS, where you will teach younger students to assist them in their academics. That time, the directive was that each of us should handle 1 or 2 students only. However as time went by, the students I was assisting went as high as 7 because they were a lot more compared to the our number in the batch. That was a gain for me though, since I personally enjoyed preparing lesson plans, activities, and even candies and other goodies for them if they are able to perform well in the activities I have prepared for the visit. 

Come high school, my exposure to the community grew, since this was where I started meeting the marginalized elderly, kids who were found abandoned in the streets, and families living in a place that is not conducive for proper growth and learning. Listening to their life stories, hearing their sentiments, and spending time with them awakened the sense of thirst for change in me. I am the type to not want other people to suffer, and I’d go lengths for these people to at least make them feel better. Every community visit I went to was a treasure for me, because it was fulfilling for me to see how our visits made them happy. I still remember their smiles and laughter whenever we’d come to visit during TALABAN and Panagpuan. Even then, I was amazed at how happy they looked despite of their circumstances (they even give life advice too), and it inspired me to always stay positive not just for me, but also for the people I wanted to help 

The encounters were timely because at that time, I was in the discernment stage of who I wanted to be, and what would my end goal be at life. I have always put others’ needs before mine, and I have wanted to be someone who can and will be relevant in her own little way. I have always wanted others not to go through the same things I went through. I have always to be someone’s glimmer of hope. Through the relationships I built with those I have interacted with during these encounters, it slowly introduced me to the highest form of love: service. It was then that I decided on my end goal, my definition of a life that has successfully accomplished a mission: to bring justice to those who lack access to it by being a lawyer for those who need it the most.

I entered college thinking it will be easier for me to accomplish my dreams and goals for service. However, as I breezed through college, it turned out to be the opposite. There were a lot of community-related activities that I missed out on. It was a good thing though that I had NSTP-CWTS, and contrary to popular belief, it became one of the few silver linings and helped me stay focused on my end goal. It also helped that this particular NSTP was similar to the TALABAN activities in Poveda, and it became my constant reminder of my love for service throughout my college life. 

Being with the community felt like home. It was a different feeling to be playing with kids, talking with parents, seeing how they live, and eventually creating possibilities for them that can help them in the long run. Giving them the humblest and most genuine forms of service in the little things gave a different sense of happiness, one that you will not gain from material things. Service shows a different kind of good, because the results of it is endless and it will always be something that will make things better for the person receiving it. Service gives a different sense of fulfillment, one that will overflow you and will not make you feel empty. Finally, service shows a different form of love, one that can fill both the giver and receiver endlessly and the kind of love that is irreplaceable even with the highest value of money in the world.

“You do not need to be rich in order to give. It is enough to be good. He who is good will always find something to give.” - Saint Pedro Poveda

[feliceperez]

Thought #18: On the Way There

I dedicate this post to all of my friends who never left me during the darkest days and most difficult times. Thank you my constants, I would have never made it without you. 

Originally, this post was meant to culminate my 5-year journey in UA&P; my experiences, learnings, and the notable things that happened in my college life. A “traditional graduation post” I call it. However, since we are still in the pandemic quarantine and I just got out from a much needed hiatus, I thought it would be more fitting to post it now given all the events that have happened ever since my last post. 

It has been 4 years since I last posted, and so many things have changed since then. I drifted away from friends and gained new ones, encountered a lot of obstacles in finishing my academics, experienced betrayals, manipulation, broken promises, and disloyalty from some of the most unexpected people. I experienced countless times of self-doubt, emotional anxiety, and guilt, accompanied by people who made me feel that I was a complete nothing, that my efforts and all the other things I do to make things better were just for naught. I honestly thought I’d never make it (and for those who know and were there during the darkest of the darkest days, you would know what I am talking about). But here I am, 4 years later, still alive and breathing and about to officially close this dark book of my life.

My college journey was not easy. I have encountered professors and lecturers who diminished my value, even going as far as trying to humiliate not just me, but a lot of other students as well. I have cried, I have given up on passing certain papers, only to try again just for me to pass my subjects. Multiple subjects I failed, multiples times I questioned if I was treading the right path, multiple times I doubted if it was really worth fighting for my degree and not transfer schools. But one thing was true all throughout the journey: UA&P was not my dream university, but it was the university that I needed in order for me to grow. My university may have shook and tested my values and principles a lot of times, but it was for me to stand better and taller for the future that I was about to take. As I said in my graduation post back when I graduated last August 2020, this university made me understand more what it means to hold on and offer it up. 

After graduation, my trials did not end there. Apart from the pressure at home for law school and the pandemic stress, I struggled finding work for 10 months. Competition for jobs were high, since I was competing not just with my fellow Batch 2020 graduates, but also with those who were laid off from their work and were also looking for a new job. Before I landed on the job that I have found right now, I had 68 work applications sent to various organizations and companies. Of that 68 work applications, I received 4 offers, with me finally taking the latest offer after much consideration. In the past 10 months, I battled with myself, trying to answer questions such as “What was lacking in me?”, “Where am I going wrong?”, and “Should I have just done law school now just like what some people said?” Amidst my work application stress and pressure, my 5-year relationship ended last April, and the things I found out later on added to the things I was thinking about. For me to process things properly since everything was happening all at the same time and to avoid the toxicity I can possibly give to my friends, I took a 4-day hiatus from my Facebook account and kept in touch with only the ones I can trust. 

Today, I come out of it as someone who’s found what she has lost over the years, and is on the way to knowing herself more than ever.

I read once again the learnings I posted back in 2015 when I turned 18 years old. It felt surreal going through them again more than 5 years later, because I was realizing them in a different perspective with different explanations this time. Allow me to share the changes (and to add to the list) what I realized and thought over during my 4-day Facebook hiatus:

1. Letting go is not a “have-to-do” kind of thing, rather it’s a choice that you make. 18-year old self:  Yes, it’s hard to set people free, to let go of someone or something you’ve gotten really attached to. But sometimes, you have to let go because they’ve become something that prevents you from moving forward in your life. In other words, a magnet that’s pinning you to them like a metal. You have to set not only the other free, but yourself as well from all the pain it’s causing you. However, you won’t be able to do it just because of the “haves” mentioned, but you should always want to do it. It will take a while coz face it, it’s never easy to willingly decide to move on. But if you really want to, and as long as you have the right justifications to do so, then you will.

23-year old self: 5 years later, this is still true, but it does not just apply to people now. When you let go, you need to choose to let go of everything about the person, including feelings. Whether that is love or anger, you need to let go of it because that is the only way for you to move forward. And, you need to choose it, you need to want it. If you will only do it because “you have to”, then there is always the risk of not letting go of everything, of tolerating things, because you will feel that you are forced instead of willingly choosing to do it. Letting go is a choice you make for yourself, for your own well-being, and not for anybody else. 

2. The best people that hone who you are aren’t only those who became your constants, but also those who left you. 18-year old self: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Maybe you’ll find it funny why I used this quote because your understanding might be different from mine, but hey everyone has their own way of thinking and understanding things.

In my perspective, your enemies are the ones that give you some (if not most) of the worst trials of your life. Let’s say you were bullied in school during your younger years. Not everyone will be able to cope with those really well. Some may become bullies too when they get older, or be depressed, or worse even commit suicide. But for those people who know how to cope with it well know how to handle themselves better in similar situations. They don’t repeat the same mistake, they don’t hurt others just because they are hurt themselves, and there are times when they are the ones who defend the bullied. Furthermore, they know the effects of it and they grow to be better people because of it. It’s amazing how one person, whether he/she has hurt you or not, can teach you a lot of lessons that you need to know in order to live this life in a better way than the rest.

23-year old self: Looking back at my explanation back then, I do admit it is confusing HAHAHAHAHA. Maybe now I can offer something better.

People get to hurt us because they hold pieces of us that we gave to them when we trusted them. But I would not, and cannot count it as a wrong decision because at the time we trusted them, it was their choice to hurt us. So we should not beat ourselves up for the choices they make themselves. But even if they hurt us, the pain that we felt is in itself a lesson, something that we can take away while we process that pain. That is why the people who hurt us are also the best people that help hone who we are, because with the pain they give come the learnings and takeaways that we cannot learn from those whom we are in good terms with. 

3. Take risks. 18-year old self: Life is too short to avoid taking risks. It’s not bad to take risks, coz they give you experience too. But know which one to take, and weigh the possible outcomes. It’s okay to commit mistakes or the ”wrong risks”, but not all the time. Learn to think too and not be careless. Be reckless, but not to the point where you won’t think and just “go lang ng go”.

23-year old self: This is still true and this is something I should have done while I was in college. But I guess it is not too late now right? I mean, I am finally done with school so I have that whole life ahead of me to do this already. 

Don’t forget this anymore, self. 

4. Don’t regret on lost opportunities. 18-year old self: Yes, it’s not good to miss an opportunity or let it slip from your hands. But hey, always remember that there’s a reason why you missed out on that opportunity. It’s either you had to learn an important lesson, be safe from an unfortunate experience or He wants you to experience it, or better, He has a better opportunity laid out for you.

23-year old self: I better understand this now that I found the miracle job that I have been looking for. I call it the miracle job because it was everything I wanted: good company, good offer, good proximity from where I live, and from the looks of it, good culture as well (since I have a fellow UA&P Political Economy alumna as one of my bosses). I lost 2 opportunities before this miracle job, but I do not regret those lost opportunities. Indeed, He had a better opportunity laid out, and I can’t wait to see how this road will play out for me. 

5. Know a lot of people, but know who your constants will be. 18-year old self: Your constants are the people who will be with you for a really long time (I didn’t say “forever” because it’s really up to them if they want to), so know the “right ones”. These are the people who will see who you become asides from your family, who will form the other major parts of your whole self. Your constants will play an important role in your life, so better know who they are.

Definition of “right”? Well that’s up to you.

23-year old self: Growing up not relying on my family and relatives, my friends were the people I run to in times of need. With all of the things I experienced, they became the fortresses I lean on, the witnesses of my cry fests, heartbreaks, and giving up moments. Unfortunately, because of certain circumstances, I drifted away from so much good friends from my high school days when I went to college. So during the pandemic, I took this as an opportunity for me to regain lost connections and build new ones. So far, some of them were successful, while there were a handful that were not. 

Throughout my college journey, I am happy that I also found some of my constants from another course. College became the living proof that even if I knew a lot of people in the university, there will only be a handful of them that I can call my constants, the “right ones”. Also, the length of the friendship does not define if they will be your constants or not. People are your constants when you know that your friendship with them can stand above time and physical interactions, knowing at the end of the day, they got your back and you got theirs.

6. Leave the bad memories in the past. 18-year old self: In my perspective, “bad memories” trigger trauma, fear, and grudges against anything or anyone. Those aren’t healthy for me because it hinders me from doing what I want to do, hence not making me “grow” to be a better person. I’m not saying that keeping the bad memories is “bad”, but if it’s not helping you anymore and instead becoming toxic to your personality and way of thinking, then I think it’s best to get rid of it. Learn what you have to learn from it, then leave the memory in the past and move forward with the lesson.

23-year old self: College gave me a ton of bad memories. But I guess that is also the reason why I said it was also this journey that made me understand more what it meant to hold on. Bad memories are there for you to learn from them, not for you to keep reminiscing and going back to. So it is better to leave them in the past, but never forget the lessons it gave you. 

7. Best version of yourself? Look at the mirror everyday. 18-year old self: You are at your best version each day that comes in your life. So chin up, smile, and make the most out of everything every day. You’re beautiful, just the way you are.

23-year old self: Still true. Each day we grow, and from each day we do not stay the same as who we were yesterday. Your best version of yourself will always be who you are at present, and it will keep getting better as each day passes by.

8. Hone your natural skills. 18-year old self: Natural skills are your intangible gifts from God. So, the best way you can give back to Him is by nurturing your given talents and using them for a good purpose. After all, He gave those to you because He wants you to use them for the good.

23-year old self: Waw daming time? AHAHAHAHAHA but this is one of the things I miss doing. So in this pandemic, I started catching up on these by attending to one of the primary skills I need to master: writing. I have a lot of content in line folks hehehe so stay tuned.

9. Do something new everyday. 18-year old self: Don’t be content with your present natural skills! Be out there and do something out of the norm. Who knows, your other talents are just hidden, waiting to be discovered by you.

23-year old self: As what people say, the best time to try new things is the moment you start thinking about it. However, for some people who have priorities and timelines set, this will have to wait. But hey, resourcefulness is key. There may be a lot of things I want to try and do everyday, but I will do them once I get to save up my own money. For now, I shall settle with focusing on one thing I have always wanted to learn and master: playing the ukulele. 

10. Having your alone time isn’t bad. 18-year old self: Being a lone wolf makes you discover something about you. Go on a date with yourself, write, have fun with movies at home, or simply go out and do some self-exploration. Self-adventures are usually how people get to know themselves better, because these are where people get to test their capabilities and limits to the maximum levels. Just don’t be a lone wolf too much, after all humans were made to be social beings.

23-year old self: Something definitely not ideal given the pandemic situation. But that does not mean you can’t do stuff while at home. I have been catching up on my books here, and I have been catching up on sleep that I lost when I was in college. Self-care, self-love is so important, which is something I should have done a long time ago.

11. Give your all when you love. 18-year old self: Loving someone isn’t all about you, rather it’s about both of you. Love doesn’t just work because of the feelings you both have. It flourishes because of the efforts placed in to make the relationship work. Love works and becomes better when both sides invest time, compromises, and sacrifices in it.

23-year old self: Fresh from a 5-year relationship, I can say that this is still me, and this is still how I love: choosing others before me. I am still the type to go lengths for my friends, and give a lot of sacrifices for my significant other. Though I do admit I chose not to look at all the red flags waving at me, it was a relationship where I saw how far I can give for love. It may have not worked, but I am happy and proud that the way I love is the genuine, honest. sincere, and pure kind, and I do hope the next and hopefully the last person (pang-forever type), will feel lucky with the kind of love I can give.

But hey, this does not just apply to romantic relationships, it also applies to friendships you have built over the years. Giving your all in love for people who matter to you is something not everyone can do, so keep at it while you have it. Just do not forget to give yourself some love as well.

12. Failed relationships aren’t a bad thing. 18-year old self: After all that you’ve done, the relationship fails. It hurts, but hey, focus on the positive things that it gave you. You learn from your mistakes. You learn what you should do and not do. You know what traits of a guy you don’t like. You see yourself in a different light. Yes, it may bring negative effects like you develop the fear of getting hurt, or trusting someone with your heart. Don’t despair, because you’ll be able to get rid of those fears that you have in time. Just don’t shut your doors completely because who knows, your “the one” is just lingering around the corner waiting to be discovered.

23-year old self: Man, my 18-year old self is sure a hopeful one. Though I still agree that failed relationships are not a bad thing, it is tiring most especially if you have invested a lot of time and effort and the other party still does not recognize the sacrifices you did. But as I said, with failures come learnings, so they are not completely a total loss. 

13. Never waste time on something that ain’t worth it. 18-year old self: Get rid of anything toxic to you. Leave behind anything that’s keeping you from moving on with life. Stop going back to the previous pages, and instead keep writing onto the coming ones. Time is more precious than jewels, so don’t waste it on anything that’s less than its worth. You’re the only one who has a say on who’s worth of your time, so spend it wisely! Life’s too short to get your time wasted on worthless stuff ya know.

23-year old self: This hits hard most especially since I spent so much time on someone who was not worth it at all. I thought that it was a person worth spending that much time with, but I guess I was wearing rose-colored glasses for me to see that it was not worth it anymore. 

Still, it feels good finally remove those glasses and never look back. So self, this is something you should never forget anymore, most especially since you like wearing your heart on your sleeve. 

14. You define who you are, not what people say. 18-year old self: Hypocrites can judge you on what you wear, say, or do, but only you have the say if these are really you or not. Sure you can take in comments from them, but you have to filter. Not everything they say are true about you. You know yourself, your capabilities, abilities, skills, weaknesses, flaws, whatever. The point is, you know yourself better than anyone. Who are they to judge you anyway, they aren’t the boss of you. Only One has the right to judge you, and He’ll do that when you die.

23-year old self: Still true, most especially now that I am about to work and venture out there in the real world. No matter how long a person may have known you, they do not have the right to define who you are and who you are going to be. You are the boss of yourself, since it is only you who decide between choices that come your way. 

15. Don’t let the bad stuff pin you down. Get up! 18-year old self: Get up from that pit of pity of yours. Show everyone who you are and what you can really do. Free yourself from those chains of the bad, and do yourself a favor. You wanna grow and be better? Go do it. No one’s stopping you from doing so, and don’t let anyone stop you from getting yourself free.

23-year old self: The past years have not been easy, but if I continue to linger around and let it consume me, I will stay in the same place forever. I am really happy I decided on this sooner than I expected it. This is a decision you decide because you want to make things better for yourself, not for anyone else. If you let negativity tie you down, you will not grow for the better. Rest is okay, but it does not mean you should stay in that spot for too long. When you feel better, get up! Keep walking and moving forward.

16. Change is normal. 18-year old self: One minute you’re happy, but next thing you know it, you’re bellowing your eyes out because something unfortunate has happened. What I’m saying is, changes can happen all of a sudden in a span of a second, so you have to live with those changes. Cope, adjust if you have to.

However, never forget that you have to change too. It’s inevitable. Whether you like it or not, you will change physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. But, it’s up to you how you will change. Will you change for the better, or retain the you now? Take your pick.

23-year old self: So much change has happened through the years. Some good changes, some bad changes. To answer the question “Will you change for the better, or retain the you now?”, I am more than happy to say that I chose to change for the better, and I will keep choosing to change for the better. 

17. Live each day as if it’s your last. 18-year old self: Face it, you’ll never know when you’ll die. Isn’t it better to die having done all that you want to do in the world? Be happy, be carefree. Do what you want, be who you are. Make the most out of every moment that you have and be with the people who matter to you. Make a lot of memories that you can. Go out with your friends, explore, discover. Love as if there’s no tomorrow and live like you’ve only got one shot in your whole life.

23-year old self: This is hard, most especially when you are restricted because of people and your circumstances. But if there’s one thing that I learned in the past years, it is to always choose to be happy. Choose what makes you grow, what makes you happy, what is good, and what makes your life worth living. 

18. The Guy up there will always be with you til the end. 18-year old self: May not be true for everyone, but true for me. No matter what age I was in, He stood by me always. And it is to Him I owe everything I have.

23-year old self: One of the truths that I got to see for myself most especially in my college journey. He made the impossible things possible, and He gave me so much more than what I deserve. His miracles in my life have been amazing, and I am so excited to see how else is He going to make me grow into the person I am meant to be. 

19. Trust your gut feeling. Gut feeling is a feeling or thought you get when you are about to decide on something or when you are about to get yourself into something that is not really familiar to you. Sometimes it can come as a warning, or a random thought that you suddenly get out of nowhere.

Looking back in my 23 years of existence, my gut feelings have almost never failed me. Honestly, if only I listened to my gut feeling before, I would have not went through some of the things I went through. I am happy though that I listened to it more in the past few months, which also contributed to the place where I am today.

20. It’s okay to take a break, even retreat when you have to. Rest is a necessity. You will not be able to function properly if you do not give yourself ample time to take a break from everything that is happening. Some may do it through catching up on sleep, while others may find it when they play video games or do their other hobbies. For me, I caught up on much needed sleep from the sleepless nights in college, and played Call of Duty Mobile with my friends. Usually my retreat sessions happen in actual retreats, but given the current situation, I resorted to deactivating my Facebook account for the first time. It felt good, and it was something I needed before I start working in a few days. 

21. Choose your battles wisely. In the recent events that happened to me, I learned that it was tiring to fight in every single thing that will not have any value in the long run. Energy is precious, and it should not be spent on battles not worth engaging in. Choosing not to engage in a battle does not mean weakness, it just means that you are choosing to spend your energy on battles where you will learn and grow.

22. Learn from your regrets. I have always lived by “Never regret anything that made you happy” ever since my high school days. However, as I went through college, regretting things became inevitable, most especially on bad decisions made and missing really good chances and opportunities that passed by and never came back.

Though I still believe in not regretting things that made me happy even just for a while, I learned that not all decisions that made me happy momentarily were good for me in the long run. Anything temporary will just be temporary, and in this life, things that matter and affect you in the long run will always be better. So it is always important to learn from those regrets and mistakes, and make sure that it does not happen again in the future.

23. The little things matter.  In this pandemic, I have realized how much I took for granted the little things such as seeing friends face to face, on-site internship and office interactions, having dinners or late night walks, travelling around the city and watching in cinemas. Now, it is so hard to do that without worrying if you can catch the virus or bring it home unknowingly and put certain family members at risk. 

Now more than ever, little things matter. So it is important to make the most out of everything, keep yourself happy, and make even the smallest blessings count. Be there for people who matter to you, and keep your relationship with them strong and worthwhile.

There you have it: 23 key takeaways from a life of laughter, tears, and everything in between. Here’s to celebrating growth and learning. ♡

[feliceperez]

Thought #17: Hey, it has been a while

I’m currently writing this even when I’m supposed to be asleep, because my stomach is painful and I felt the need to put my thoughts into writing. Late night thoughts with a stomachache? Let’s see if me writing my thoughts down will lessen the pain I feel so I can sleep.

It has been a a year since my last post, and sadly, even my previous post here was acads-related. I honestly thought I would be able to write frequently after that post, because as much as possible, I did not want my last comeback post to be academics - related. Unfortunately, my numerous readings and papers from my classes ate up most of my free time, which was why my supposedly “comeback” post became my last post before this one. 

Tonight, I am free from any school-related stress because I am on vacation. I just finished my first academic year with majors classes. Readings here and there, papers to submit almost every day, almost thrice a week of no sleep because of school and cramming midterms and finals papers. Luckily, I passed all my subjects that I enrolled in for the past school year. All those all-nighters definitely paid off after I saw my grades. 

Ever since school ended, I have been either sleeping in, having dates with my boyfriend, or meeting up with my HS friends. Sometimes I play games too. But, I’m using this time to catch up with the people I don’t get to see everyday because when school starts, we will be immersed in our own worlds again. Especially for me and Dianne, since she starts her regular semester this June, while I start with my midyear term this June as well. Nikki Bat has started her school already, and its sad because during her break, I couldn’t meet up with her because it was weeks before our finals week. We’re really trying to find a common time though, especially since its been how long since I last saw her. 

This past school year physically, mentally, and emotionally drained me. I’m glad that not much drama happened this past year. Although some misunderstandings happened with some people, but I got to fix it through proper communication with them. Misunderstandings are part of any relationship with anyone anyway, whether it be the friends-kind or the boyfriend-kind. 

I guess I’ll stop here for now, since I need to sleep. Writing my thoughts down did wonders for my stomach.

[feliceperez]

Thought 16: A Film Review on “1st Ko Si 3rd”

“1st ko si 3rd” was a movie directed by Real Florida in 2014. It depicts about an old retired lady named Corazon “Cory” Gonzales (played by Nova Villa) who flashbacks on her happy memories and feelings for her first love, Roberto Rodriguez III, or more known as Third (played by Freddie Web). According to the director who gave a forum in the university after the film showing of this movie, he wanted to show the eagerness of Cory to rekindle things back with Third made her fail to see the efforts of her husband, Alejandro (played by Dante Rivero). The movie has an embedded story type of plot structure because of its “story within a story”, showing Cory’s story with Third and Cory’s story with Alejandro.

The movie’s plot structure played a big role to the viewer’s access to the emotions and thoughts of the protagonist. Because of the flashback scenes, the viewers were given access to the thoughts and memories of Cory. However, they were only able to access Cory’s memories and thoughts alone. The viewers do not know what are Third and Alejandro thinking about. This gave the viewer restricted and subjective type of perspective, because the viewers did not have an omniscient view of the whole film, but only to one character. This perspective guided the viewers to back up the decisions that Cory made in the movie. Furthermore, there were scenes that gave viewers access to Cory’s inner self through her what ifs, for example that dance that she imagined between her and Third, but she was also getting passed to Alejandro, and the scene where Third called Cory and Cory thought Third saying “You know, this might be our last chance to see each other.”

In the prologue sequence, it was started with a rakking long shot of the greenery landscape, followed by two close-up medium long shots of the grass and greenery landscape respectively. This is important because the director tries to emphasize that this was the place where Cory and Third used to spend time together. It was followed by a mobile framed shot on the grass, starting with a tracking movement and eventually shifting to a crane movement, starting to show Cory’s hand, then Cory herself walking on the grassy path towards Third. It then shifted to a handheld cam movement, since it was seen to be shaky when Cory has approached Third. Asides from the non-diegetic music in the score, there were sounds of footsteps walking along the grass that were heard. The shots were transitioned by cuts from one shot to another. The sequence was taken in deep-space composition, and was also the sequence that set the mood for the whole movie.

The clock and the car were the recurring props/metonymic props of the film. Most of the time, this was shown in long duration shots in slow motion. You can also hear the ticking of the clock as part of the score in some parts of some sequences in the movie. The clock represented how short time Cory had with Alejandro because of old age, and how she made it shorter because of her fantasies with Third. It also symbolized how Cory always wanted to do anything productive, whether household chores or fixing important papers. The clocks also depicted the time of the life of the characters. Multiple times was the line “We are getting older” repeated by Cory, Alejandro, Maria (best friend of Cory), and Third, and this is important because this line emphasizes on the time that they have left. The car symbolized the efforts of Alejandro to make Cory happy. Alejandro is seen majority of the screen time of the movie fixing the car. It foreshadows Alejandro’s efforts to make Cory feel loved and cared for despite Cory overlooking those efforts.

In the office sequence, the director has planted clues for the viewers on how the film will go. When the five ladies in the office said, “new life”, “the places you can visit”, “beauty rest”, “lovey-dovey time with husband”, and “unlimited time to watch soap operas”. These five sayings foreshadowed the main events in the movie: the new life of Cory after she retired, the places she can visit after the car was fixed, the time that she can beautify herself when she colored her hair, the time she can sleep because she can watch her soap operas, and finally Cory realizing how much Alejandro loves her towards the end of the movie. In this sequence, Cory is seen to be looking at her office mates one by one. This Point of View Cutting/POV cutting was seen through a shot of Cory, then a shot of her office mate, then back to Cory, then to another office mate, then back to Cory again. The mesmerizing long duration shot of Cory walking alone the hallways of her office on her last day is also seen in this sequence. Cory isolated in the center and her surroundings are obscured/blurry while walking emphasized her feelings of loneliness now that she has retired from her work.

During the coffee shop sequence, we can see there how the tonalities were changed for a bit because of Cory’s bright red dress. Red is often attributed to passion, which coincides with her passion to meet Third and rekindle the spark that they once had. In this sequence also, the filmmaker intentionally applied slow motion from the time Cory entered the coffee shop to when she embraced Third. However, the filmmaker gradually increased the speed during her embrace with Third, going back to the normal, to emphasize the that “spark” between Cory and Third was short-lived. Those slow motion shots helped the viewers infer that Cory must have realized Alejandro’s love because of Alejandro’s voice echoing in the score, “I just want you to be happy” during her embrace with Third.

It was amazing how the filmmaker kept the movie’s mood consistently. The whole movie was deemed relaxing, because of its warm color tonality used for the whole of the film. Also, low key lighting was used throughout the film as a way of the director to properly set the mood for the viewers. What also help set the mood was the non-diegetic­ music that was used in the score for some sequences: fast-paced, yet happy and calming instrumental music. At the same time, the director made it clear which ones were the present time scenes, and scenes which were Cory’s flashbacks. To attain this, the director used a sepia effect for the flashback scenes, and colored the present time scenes.

Over all, the movie showed excellent cinematographic qualities to help the viewers watch, feel and understand the meaning of theme of the movie. Through the use of long duration shots, slow motion shots, the viewers were able to infer the lesson of the movie, which is: Look around if you want love, because you might have already taken for granted the people who really love you.

[feliceperez]

Thought 15: Revival

Lol hey!! 

It has been a while since I last wrote. Maybe over a year? I apologize for my long absence. I have been busy with schoolwork (rip org life I don’t have any thanks to my big pile of readings) because I needed to pull my grades up (It’s a long story regarding that matter). Anyway, since I didn’t want my requirement for my film class to be “comeback post”, I decided to make this. HAHAHA

I’ll be making a film review on the indie movie “1st ko si 3rd” on my next post, in partial fulfill my requirements for my Film class this semester. Forgive me if I will sound too formal for that post, well it’s still a school paper after all. Hope you guys enjoy reading it! :) 

[normajeaned]

No matter how your heart is grieving. If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

[feliceperez]

Indeed, its the little things that matter the most.

[feliceperez]

Thought #12: Lectures by the time 2015 ends

2015 will be ending and another year will begin in a few. But before 2015 ends, I just want to share a few words of wisdom to anyone who will stumble upon this post.

1. Letting go is not a “have-to-do” kind of thing, rather it’s a choice that you make. Yes, it’s hard to set people free, to let go of someone or something you’ve gotten really attached to. But sometimes, you have to let go because they’ve become something that prevents you from moving forward in your life. In other words, a magnet that’s pinning you to them like a metal. You have to set not only the other free, but yourself as well from all the pain it’s causing you. However, you won’t be able to do it just because of the “haves” mentioned, but you should always want to do it. It will take a while coz face it, it’s never easy to willingly decide to move on. But if you really want to, and as long as you have the right justifications to do so, then you will.

2. The best people that hone who you are aren’t only those who became your constants, but also those who left you. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Maybe you’ll find it funny why I used this quote because your understanding might be different from mine, but hey everyone has their own way of thinking and understanding things.

In my perspective, your enemies are the ones that give you some (if not most) of the worst trials of your life. Let’s say you were bullied in school during your younger years. Not everyone will be able to cope with those really well. Some may become bullies too when they get older, or be depressed, or worse even commit suicide. But for those people who know how to cope with it well know how to handle themselves better in similar situations. They don’t repeat the same mistake, they don’t hurt others just because they are hurt themselves, and there are times when they are the ones who defend the bullied. Furthermore, they know the effects of it and they grow to be better people because of it. It’s amazing how one person, whether he/she has hurt you or not, can teach you a lot of lessons that you need to know in order to live this life in a better way than the rest.

3. Take risks. Life is too short to avoid taking risks. It’s not bad to take risks, coz they give you experience too. But know which one to take, and weigh the possible outcomes. It’s okay to commit mistakes or the ”wrong risks”, but not all the time. Learn to think too and not be careless. Be reckless, but not to the point where you won’t think and just “go lang ng go”.

4. Don’t regret on lost opportunities. Yes, it’s not good to miss an opportunity or let it slip from your hands. But hey, always remember that there’s a reason why you missed out on that opportunity. It’s either you had to learn an important lesson, be safe from an unfortunate experience or He wants you to experience it, or better, He has a better opportunity laid out for you.

5. Know a lot of people, but know who your constants will be. Your constants are the people who will be with you for a really long time (I didn’t say “forever” because it’s really up to them if they want to), so know the “right ones”. These are the people who will see who you become asides from your family, who will form the other major parts of your whole self. Your constants will play an important role in your life, so better know who they are.

Definition of “right”? Well that’s up to you.

6. Leave the bad memories in the past. In my perspective, “bad memories” trigger trauma, fear, and grudges against anything or anyone. Those aren’t healthy for me because it hinders me from doing what I want to do, hence not making me “grow” to be a better person. I’m not saying that keeping the bad memories is “bad”, but if it’s not helping you anymore and instead becoming toxic to your personality and way of thinking, then I think it’s best to get rid of it. Learn what you have to learn from it, then leave the memory in the past and move forward with the lesson.

7. Best version of yourself? Look at the mirror everyday. You are at your best version each day that comes in your life. So chin up, smile, and make the most out of everything every day. You’re beautiful, just the way you are.

8. Hone your natural skills. Natural skills are your intangible gifts from God. So, the best way you can give back to Him is by nurturing your given talents and using them for a good purpose. After all, He gave those to you because He wants you to use them for the good.

9. Do something new everyday. Don’t be content with your present natural skills! Be out there and do something out of the norm. Who knows, your other talents are just hidden, waiting to be discovered by you.

10. Having your alone time isn’t bad. Being a lone wolf makes you discover something about you. Go on a date with yourself, write, have fun with movies at home, or simply go out and do some self-exploration. Self-adventures are usually how people get to know themselves better, because these are where people get to test their capabilities and limits to the maximum levels. Just don’t be a lone wolf too much, after all humans were made to be social beings.

11. Give your all when you love. Loving someone isn’t all about you, rather it’s about both of you. Love doesn’t just work because of the feelings you both have. It flourishes because of the efforts placed in to make the relationship work. Love works and becomes better when both sides invest time, compromises, and sacrifices in it.

12. Failed relationships aren’t a bad thing. After all that you’ve done, the relationship fails. It hurts, but hey, focus on the positive things that it gave you. You learn from your mistakes. You learn what you should do and not do. You know what traits of a guy you don’t like. You see yourself in a different light. Yes, it may bring negative effects like you develop the fear of getting hurt, or trusting someone with your heart. Don’t despair, because you’ll be able to get rid of those fears that you have in time. Just don’t shut your doors completely because who knows, your “the one” is just lingering around the corner waiting to be discovered.

13. Never waste time on something that ain’t worth it. Get rid of anything toxic to you. Leave behind anything that’s keeping you from moving on with life. Stop going back to the previous pages, and instead keep writing onto the coming ones. Time is more precious than jewels, so don’t waste it on anything that’s less than its worth. You’re the only one who has a say on who’s worth of your time, so spend it wisely! Life’s too short to get your time wasted on worthless stuff ya know.

14. You define who you are, not what people say. Hypocrites can judge you on what you wear, say, or do, but only you have the say if these are really you or not. Sure you can take in comments from them, but you have to filter. Not everything they say are true about you. You know yourself, your capabilities, abilities, skills, weaknesses, flaws, whatever. The point is, you know yourself better than anyone. Who are they to judge you anyway, they aren’t the boss of you. Only One has the right to judge you, and He’ll do that when you die.

15. Don’t let the bad stuff pin you down. Get up! Get up from that pit of pity of yours. Show everyone who you are and what you can really do. Free yourself from those chains of the bad, and do yourself a favor. You wanna grow and be better? Go do it. No one’s stopping you from doing so, and don’t let anyone stop you from getting yourself free.

16. Change is normal. One minute you’re happy, but next thing you know it, you’re bellowing your eyes out because something unfortunate has happened. What I’m saying is, changes can happen all of a sudden in a span of a second, so you have to live with those changes. Cope, adjust if you have to.

However, never forget that you have to change too. It’s inevitable. Whether you like it or not, you will change physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. But, it’s up to you how you will change. Will you change for the better, or retain the you now? Take your pick.

17. Live each day as if it’s your last. Face it, you’ll never know when you’ll die. Isn’t it better to die having done all that you want to do in the world? Be happy, be carefree. Do what you want, be who you are. Make the most out of every moment that you have and be with the people who matter to you. Make a lot of memories that you can. Go out with your friends, explore, discover. Love as if there’s no tomorrow and live like you’ve only got one shot in your whole life.

18. The Guy up there will always be with you til the end. May not be true for everyone, but true for me. No matter what age I was in, He stood by me always. And it is to Him I owe everything I have.

There you have it. 18 years worth of laughter, struggle, tears, and everything in between narrowed down to phrases and a few sentences. Yes, I intentionally made it 18 because I turned legal this year too.

Cheers to 2015! And a grace-filled 2016 ahead! Watch out for the next 6 pizza slices!!!

[feliceperez]

Before I place my 18th post, I just want to commemorate the memory of my cousin who passed away just a year ago.

Hey Kuya! It’s been a year since you left. I miss you already. I missed you when I celebrated my 18th coz the family wasn’t complete without you. Please, please help all of us the strength to stay strong for your family. Thank you for all the memories that make me strong every day. Thank you for being my constant reminder that no matter how hard life may be, I can get through it. Thank you for continuing to be there for us. We miss you so much already. 

I love you Kuya. We all do. Happy 1st birthday up there in heaven.

Kier Erwin A. De Guzman January 2, 1997 - December 15, 2014

[feliceperez]

Felice at 18

"Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset." – Wildest Dreams, Taylor Swift Felice Perez 18th Birthday at Washoku…

(Please click the Post title for those who want to watch the video!)

It feels good to reach 18. Like finally. It felt like a really long, tough, and crazy roller coaster ride, but I made it. I made it without getting into vices, without getting myself raped. Okay I know I’m exaggerating but you know what I mean. 

This video shows me: me after all the tears I went through, after all the peaks and troughs, this is me now. Let this video be my tribute to everyone who made me who I am today. :)

Thank you for being with me, and continuing to be with me in my journey. This is just the start.

P.S.: Watch out for my blog post for my 18th!

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Comet

[feliceperez]

Stars.

[feliceperez]

Thought #8: Coming from the Unexpected

These words come from a game I finished today. And when I read everything, damn it hit me straight to my heart. Definitely something worth sharing.

Never give up. Some things are for worth fighting for.

This will be full of unexpected twists and turns. Tread carefully and control yourself. Trust your instincts. Change is normal. Do not deny it. Embrace it.

Anger may make certain choices clearer. Patterns always emerge, even in chaos. This need not define you. Let it amplify you. Repeating the same action but expecting new results is a sign of madness.

It’s also a sign that you are human. Once an action is undone it cannot be undone. You cannot get out of this. Accept the situation and move on. To try invites failure. Resistance is not an opinion.

It’s all a matter of perspective. Regret has two sides. The things we do... And the things we wish we had done. Others may try to make you feel guilty. But guilt can only truly come from within.

Nothing is wrong with you. Why are you doing this to yourself? What exactly are you trying to prove? You will not win. All that pain and misery. Was it worth it? I don’t want you to keep going...

I want you to want to keep going. We have no reason to give up. You probably didn’t expect to get this far. But if we expect something, how can it move us? Unexpected things are beautiful. Abandon all your expectations.

I wish you could see this. You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for me. Admit it. Change is good for you. There is nothing to regret. Anger is always temporary. Sometimes letting go is the harder choice. You must move forward. But I want you to know one last thing... I am here.

[feliceperez]

I Hate You

My friend wrote this poem out of boredom and I just wanna share it because it’s really nice. (No I am not being sawi or shit I just really liked it)

To my best friend I hate you. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for showing me and making me addicted to mocha. I hate you for showing me the beauty of the world. I hate you because you were the only one who can make me smile every day when I see you. I hate you because, because you were my first crush. I hate you because you made me fall for you. I hate you because you died. In this early stage of life, I hate you for leaving me in this earth. And now, I hate you because you were the only beautiful thing in this earth and you just left me. I will never forget the last meeting with you. And I hate you because I loved you. And so later I will raise a cup of mocha in your name.

- K.S. 2015 

[feliceperez]

(School is keeping me busy so sorry for this super duper late post)

2015 The year of lasts. The year of firsts.

More than half of the year has passed by, and it has been a habit of mine to write about my memories because I am the type of person who loves to reminisce on my past (the good kind of past mind mind you). Not only because I am a sentimental person, but it is also my way of cheering myself whenever I am down and to bring up my spirits. These memories, these highlights are definitely something that I will never get tired of remembering.

Highlights of my first half of the pizza:

JANUARY - Palawan trip (January 10-12) - Encounter with Pope Francis at the UST grounds (January 17-18)

FEBRUARY - Senior Retreat (February 4-6) - Days With The Lord Weekend (February 6-8) - LSGH Kabihasnan Fair 2015 (February 13) - TEDxADMU (February 21) - UA&P Freshmen Orientation (February 28)

MARCH - Faith 7 DWTL (March 6-8) - Campus Day at UA&P (March 14) - Xavier Ball 2015 (March 18) - HS Graduation (March 25) - Poveda Ball 2015: Le Grande Reverie (March 27)

APRIL - The Script Concert (April 17) - Palmolive Commercial Auditions (April 25)

MAY - Zambales Road Trip with Nikki Bat (May 1-4) - Summer Family Outing (May 16-17) - Mega with kada! (May 25)

JUNE - NCCC (June 6-7) - UA&P Freshmen Orientation/FreshStart! (June 8-11) - First day of college (June 15) - BTL 26 (June 26-28)

These are my highlights, but within these highlights are more memories that I’d rather keep in my personal treasure chest in my heart. Nevertheless, here are the flavors to each slice of my first 6 slices. ♥

‘Til the next 6, folks.