Thought #18: On the Way There
I dedicate this post to all of my friends who never left me during the darkest days and most difficult times. Thank you my constants, I would have never made it without you.
Originally, this post was meant to culminate my 5-year journey in UA&P; my experiences, learnings, and the notable things that happened in my college life. A “traditional graduation post” I call it. However, since we are still in the pandemic quarantine and I just got out from a much needed hiatus, I thought it would be more fitting to post it now given all the events that have happened ever since my last post.
It has been 4 years since I last posted, and so many things have changed since then. I drifted away from friends and gained new ones, encountered a lot of obstacles in finishing my academics, experienced betrayals, manipulation, broken promises, and disloyalty from some of the most unexpected people. I experienced countless times of self-doubt, emotional anxiety, and guilt, accompanied by people who made me feel that I was a complete nothing, that my efforts and all the other things I do to make things better were just for naught. I honestly thought I’d never make it (and for those who know and were there during the darkest of the darkest days, you would know what I am talking about). But here I am, 4 years later, still alive and breathing and about to officially close this dark book of my life.
My college journey was not easy. I have encountered professors and lecturers who diminished my value, even going as far as trying to humiliate not just me, but a lot of other students as well. I have cried, I have given up on passing certain papers, only to try again just for me to pass my subjects. Multiple subjects I failed, multiples times I questioned if I was treading the right path, multiple times I doubted if it was really worth fighting for my degree and not transfer schools. But one thing was true all throughout the journey: UA&P was not my dream university, but it was the university that I needed in order for me to grow. My university may have shook and tested my values and principles a lot of times, but it was for me to stand better and taller for the future that I was about to take. As I said in my graduation post back when I graduated last August 2020, this university made me understand more what it means to hold on and offer it up.
After graduation, my trials did not end there. Apart from the pressure at home for law school and the pandemic stress, I struggled finding work for 10 months. Competition for jobs were high, since I was competing not just with my fellow Batch 2020 graduates, but also with those who were laid off from their work and were also looking for a new job. Before I landed on the job that I have found right now, I had 68 work applications sent to various organizations and companies. Of that 68 work applications, I received 4 offers, with me finally taking the latest offer after much consideration. In the past 10 months, I battled with myself, trying to answer questions such as “What was lacking in me?”, “Where am I going wrong?”, and “Should I have just done law school now just like what some people said?” Amidst my work application stress and pressure, my 5-year relationship ended last April, and the things I found out later on added to the things I was thinking about. For me to process things properly since everything was happening all at the same time and to avoid the toxicity I can possibly give to my friends, I took a 4-day hiatus from my Facebook account and kept in touch with only the ones I can trust.
Today, I come out of it as someone who’s found what she has lost over the years, and is on the way to knowing herself more than ever.
I read once again the learnings I posted back in 2015 when I turned 18 years old. It felt surreal going through them again more than 5 years later, because I was realizing them in a different perspective with different explanations this time. Allow me to share the changes (and to add to the list) what I realized and thought over during my 4-day Facebook hiatus:
1. Letting go is not a “have-to-do” kind of thing, rather it’s a choice that you make.
18-year old self: Yes, it’s hard to set people free, to let go of someone or something you’ve gotten really attached to. But sometimes, you have to let go because they’ve become something that prevents you from moving forward in your life. In other words, a magnet that’s pinning you to them like a metal. You have to set not only the other free, but yourself as well from all the pain it’s causing you. However, you won’t be able to do it just because of the “haves” mentioned, but you should always want to do it. It will take a while coz face it, it’s never easy to willingly decide to move on. But if you really want to, and as long as you have the right justifications to do so, then you will.
23-year old self: 5 years later, this is still true, but it does not just apply to people now. When you let go, you need to choose to let go of everything about the person, including feelings. Whether that is love or anger, you need to let go of it because that is the only way for you to move forward. And, you need to choose it, you need to want it. If you will only do it because “you have to”, then there is always the risk of not letting go of everything, of tolerating things, because you will feel that you are forced instead of willingly choosing to do it. Letting go is a choice you make for yourself, for your own well-being, and not for anybody else.
2. The best people that hone who you are aren’t only those who became your constants, but also those who left you.
18-year old self: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Maybe you’ll find it funny why I used this quote because your understanding might be different from mine, but hey everyone has their own way of thinking and understanding things.
In my perspective, your enemies are the ones that give you some (if not most) of the worst trials of your life. Let’s say you were bullied in school during your younger years. Not everyone will be able to cope with those really well. Some may become bullies too when they get older, or be depressed, or worse even commit suicide. But for those people who know how to cope with it well know how to handle themselves better in similar situations. They don’t repeat the same mistake, they don’t hurt others just because they are hurt themselves, and there are times when they are the ones who defend the bullied. Furthermore, they know the effects of it and they grow to be better people because of it. It’s amazing how one person, whether he/she has hurt you or not, can teach you a lot of lessons that you need to know in order to live this life in a better way than the rest.
23-year old self: Looking back at my explanation back then, I do admit it is confusing HAHAHAHAHA. Maybe now I can offer something better.
People get to hurt us because they hold pieces of us that we gave to them when we trusted them. But I would not, and cannot count it as a wrong decision because at the time we trusted them, it was their choice to hurt us. So we should not beat ourselves up for the choices they make themselves. But even if they hurt us, the pain that we felt is in itself a lesson, something that we can take away while we process that pain. That is why the people who hurt us are also the best people that help hone who we are, because with the pain they give come the learnings and takeaways that we cannot learn from those whom we are in good terms with.
3. Take risks.
18-year old self: Life is too short to avoid taking risks. It’s not bad to take risks, coz they give you experience too. But know which one to take, and weigh the possible outcomes. It’s okay to commit mistakes or the ”wrong risks”, but not all the time. Learn to think too and not be careless. Be reckless, but not to the point where you won’t think and just “go lang ng go”.
23-year old self: This is still true and this is something I should have done while I was in college. But I guess it is not too late now right? I mean, I am finally done with school so I have that whole life ahead of me to do this already.
Don’t forget this anymore, self.
4. Don’t regret on lost opportunities.
18-year old self: Yes, it’s not good to miss an opportunity or let it slip from your hands. But hey, always remember that there’s a reason why you missed out on that opportunity. It’s either you had to learn an important lesson, be safe from an unfortunate experience or He wants you to experience it, or better, He has a better opportunity laid out for you.
23-year old self: I better understand this now that I found the miracle job that I have been looking for. I call it the miracle job because it was everything I wanted: good company, good offer, good proximity from where I live, and from the looks of it, good culture as well (since I have a fellow UA&P Political Economy alumna as one of my bosses). I lost 2 opportunities before this miracle job, but I do not regret those lost opportunities. Indeed, He had a better opportunity laid out, and I can’t wait to see how this road will play out for me.
5. Know a lot of people, but know who your constants will be.
18-year old self: Your constants are the people who will be with you for a really long time (I didn’t say “forever” because it’s really up to them if they want to), so know the “right ones”. These are the people who will see who you become asides from your family, who will form the other major parts of your whole self. Your constants will play an important role in your life, so better know who they are.
Definition of “right”? Well that’s up to you.
23-year old self: Growing up not relying on my family and relatives, my friends were the people I run to in times of need. With all of the things I experienced, they became the fortresses I lean on, the witnesses of my cry fests, heartbreaks, and giving up moments. Unfortunately, because of certain circumstances, I drifted away from so much good friends from my high school days when I went to college. So during the pandemic, I took this as an opportunity for me to regain lost connections and build new ones. So far, some of them were successful, while there were a handful that were not.
Throughout my college journey, I am happy that I also found some of my constants from another course. College became the living proof that even if I knew a lot of people in the university, there will only be a handful of them that I can call my constants, the “right ones”. Also, the length of the friendship does not define if they will be your constants or not. People are your constants when you know that your friendship with them can stand above time and physical interactions, knowing at the end of the day, they got your back and you got theirs.
6. Leave the bad memories in the past.
18-year old self: In my perspective, “bad memories” trigger trauma, fear, and grudges against anything or anyone. Those aren’t healthy for me because it hinders me from doing what I want to do, hence not making me “grow” to be a better person. I’m not saying that keeping the bad memories is “bad”, but if it’s not helping you anymore and instead becoming toxic to your personality and way of thinking, then I think it’s best to get rid of it. Learn what you have to learn from it, then leave the memory in the past and move forward with the lesson.
23-year old self: College gave me a ton of bad memories. But I guess that is also the reason why I said it was also this journey that made me understand more what it meant to hold on. Bad memories are there for you to learn from them, not for you to keep reminiscing and going back to. So it is better to leave them in the past, but never forget the lessons it gave you.
7. Best version of yourself? Look at the mirror everyday.
18-year old self: You are at your best version each day that comes in your life. So chin up, smile, and make the most out of everything every day. You’re beautiful, just the way you are.
23-year old self: Still true. Each day we grow, and from each day we do not stay the same as who we were yesterday. Your best version of yourself will always be who you are at present, and it will keep getting better as each day passes by.
8. Hone your natural skills.
18-year old self: Natural skills are your intangible gifts from God. So, the best way you can give back to Him is by nurturing your given talents and using them for a good purpose. After all, He gave those to you because He wants you to use them for the good.
23-year old self: Waw daming time? AHAHAHAHAHA but this is one of the things I miss doing. So in this pandemic, I started catching up on these by attending to one of the primary skills I need to master: writing. I have a lot of content in line folks hehehe so stay tuned.
9. Do something new everyday.
18-year old self: Don’t be content with your present natural skills! Be out there and do something out of the norm. Who knows, your other talents are just hidden, waiting to be discovered by you.
23-year old self: As what people say, the best time to try new things is the moment you start thinking about it. However, for some people who have priorities and timelines set, this will have to wait. But hey, resourcefulness is key. There may be a lot of things I want to try and do everyday, but I will do them once I get to save up my own money. For now, I shall settle with focusing on one thing I have always wanted to learn and master: playing the ukulele.
10. Having your alone time isn’t bad.
18-year old self: Being a lone wolf makes you discover something about you. Go on a date with yourself, write, have fun with movies at home, or simply go out and do some self-exploration. Self-adventures are usually how people get to know themselves better, because these are where people get to test their capabilities and limits to the maximum levels. Just don’t be a lone wolf too much, after all humans were made to be social beings.
23-year old self: Something definitely not ideal given the pandemic situation. But that does not mean you can’t do stuff while at home. I have been catching up on my books here, and I have been catching up on sleep that I lost when I was in college. Self-care, self-love is so important, which is something I should have done a long time ago.
11. Give your all when you love.
18-year old self: Loving someone isn’t all about you, rather it’s about both of you. Love doesn’t just work because of the feelings you both have. It flourishes because of the efforts placed in to make the relationship work. Love works and becomes better when both sides invest time, compromises, and sacrifices in it.
23-year old self: Fresh from a 5-year relationship, I can say that this is still me, and this is still how I love: choosing others before me. I am still the type to go lengths for my friends, and give a lot of sacrifices for my significant other. Though I do admit I chose not to look at all the red flags waving at me, it was a relationship where I saw how far I can give for love. It may have not worked, but I am happy and proud that the way I love is the genuine, honest. sincere, and pure kind, and I do hope the next and hopefully the last person (pang-forever type), will feel lucky with the kind of love I can give.
But hey, this does not just apply to romantic relationships, it also applies to friendships you have built over the years. Giving your all in love for people who matter to you is something not everyone can do, so keep at it while you have it. Just do not forget to give yourself some love as well.
12. Failed relationships aren’t a bad thing.
18-year old self: After all that you’ve done, the relationship fails. It hurts, but hey, focus on the positive things that it gave you. You learn from your mistakes. You learn what you should do and not do. You know what traits of a guy you don’t like. You see yourself in a different light. Yes, it may bring negative effects like you develop the fear of getting hurt, or trusting someone with your heart. Don’t despair, because you’ll be able to get rid of those fears that you have in time. Just don’t shut your doors completely because who knows, your “the one” is just lingering around the corner waiting to be discovered.
23-year old self: Man, my 18-year old self is sure a hopeful one. Though I still agree that failed relationships are not a bad thing, it is tiring most especially if you have invested a lot of time and effort and the other party still does not recognize the sacrifices you did. But as I said, with failures come learnings, so they are not completely a total loss.
13. Never waste time on something that ain’t worth it.
18-year old self: Get rid of anything toxic to you. Leave behind anything that’s keeping you from moving on with life. Stop going back to the previous pages, and instead keep writing onto the coming ones. Time is more precious than jewels, so don’t waste it on anything that’s less than its worth. You’re the only one who has a say on who’s worth of your time, so spend it wisely! Life’s too short to get your time wasted on worthless stuff ya know.
23-year old self: This hits hard most especially since I spent so much time on someone who was not worth it at all. I thought that it was a person worth spending that much time with, but I guess I was wearing rose-colored glasses for me to see that it was not worth it anymore.
Still, it feels good finally remove those glasses and never look back. So self, this is something you should never forget anymore, most especially since you like wearing your heart on your sleeve.
14. You define who you are, not what people say.
18-year old self: Hypocrites can judge you on what you wear, say, or do, but only you have the say if these are really you or not. Sure you can take in comments from them, but you have to filter. Not everything they say are true about you. You know yourself, your capabilities, abilities, skills, weaknesses, flaws, whatever. The point is, you know yourself better than anyone. Who are they to judge you anyway, they aren’t the boss of you. Only One has the right to judge you, and He’ll do that when you die.
23-year old self: Still true, most especially now that I am about to work and venture out there in the real world. No matter how long a person may have known you, they do not have the right to define who you are and who you are going to be. You are the boss of yourself, since it is only you who decide between choices that come your way.
15. Don’t let the bad stuff pin you down. Get up!
18-year old self: Get up from that pit of pity of yours. Show everyone who you are and what you can really do. Free yourself from those chains of the bad, and do yourself a favor. You wanna grow and be better? Go do it. No one’s stopping you from doing so, and don’t let anyone stop you from getting yourself free.
23-year old self: The past years have not been easy, but if I continue to linger around and let it consume me, I will stay in the same place forever. I am really happy I decided on this sooner than I expected it. This is a decision you decide because you want to make things better for yourself, not for anyone else. If you let negativity tie you down, you will not grow for the better. Rest is okay, but it does not mean you should stay in that spot for too long. When you feel better, get up! Keep walking and moving forward.
16. Change is normal.
18-year old self: One minute you’re happy, but next thing you know it, you’re bellowing your eyes out because something unfortunate has happened. What I’m saying is, changes can happen all of a sudden in a span of a second, so you have to live with those changes. Cope, adjust if you have to.
However, never forget that you have to change too. It’s inevitable. Whether you like it or not, you will change physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. But, it’s up to you how you will change. Will you change for the better, or retain the you now? Take your pick.
23-year old self: So much change has happened through the years. Some good changes, some bad changes. To answer the question “Will you change for the better, or retain the you now?”, I am more than happy to say that I chose to change for the better, and I will keep choosing to change for the better.
17. Live each day as if it’s your last.
18-year old self: Face it, you’ll never know when you’ll die. Isn’t it better to die having done all that you want to do in the world? Be happy, be carefree. Do what you want, be who you are. Make the most out of every moment that you have and be with the people who matter to you. Make a lot of memories that you can. Go out with your friends, explore, discover. Love as if there’s no tomorrow and live like you’ve only got one shot in your whole life.
23-year old self: This is hard, most especially when you are restricted because of people and your circumstances. But if there’s one thing that I learned in the past years, it is to always choose to be happy. Choose what makes you grow, what makes you happy, what is good, and what makes your life worth living.
18. The Guy up there will always be with you til the end.
18-year old self: May not be true for everyone, but true for me. No matter what age I was in, He stood by me always. And it is to Him I owe everything I have.
23-year old self: One of the truths that I got to see for myself most especially in my college journey. He made the impossible things possible, and He gave me so much more than what I deserve. His miracles in my life have been amazing, and I am so excited to see how else is He going to make me grow into the person I am meant to be.
19. Trust your gut feeling.
Gut feeling is a feeling or thought you get when you are about to decide on something or when you are about to get yourself into something that is not really familiar to you. Sometimes it can come as a warning, or a random thought that you suddenly get out of nowhere.
Looking back in my 23 years of existence, my gut feelings have almost never failed me. Honestly, if only I listened to my gut feeling before, I would have not went through some of the things I went through. I am happy though that I listened to it more in the past few months, which also contributed to the place where I am today.
20. It’s okay to take a break, even retreat when you have to.
Rest is a necessity. You will not be able to function properly if you do not give yourself ample time to take a break from everything that is happening. Some may do it through catching up on sleep, while others may find it when they play video games or do their other hobbies. For me, I caught up on much needed sleep from the sleepless nights in college, and played Call of Duty Mobile with my friends. Usually my retreat sessions happen in actual retreats, but given the current situation, I resorted to deactivating my Facebook account for the first time. It felt good, and it was something I needed before I start working in a few days.
21. Choose your battles wisely.
In the recent events that happened to me, I learned that it was tiring to fight in every single thing that will not have any value in the long run. Energy is precious, and it should not be spent on battles not worth engaging in. Choosing not to engage in a battle does not mean weakness, it just means that you are choosing to spend your energy on battles where you will learn and grow.
22. Learn from your regrets.
I have always lived by “Never regret anything that made you happy” ever since my high school days. However, as I went through college, regretting things became inevitable, most especially on bad decisions made and missing really good chances and opportunities that passed by and never came back.
Though I still believe in not regretting things that made me happy even just for a while, I learned that not all decisions that made me happy momentarily were good for me in the long run. Anything temporary will just be temporary, and in this life, things that matter and affect you in the long run will always be better. So it is always important to learn from those regrets and mistakes, and make sure that it does not happen again in the future.
23. The little things matter.
In this pandemic, I have realized how much I took for granted the little things such as seeing friends face to face, on-site internship and office interactions, having dinners or late night walks, travelling around the city and watching in cinemas. Now, it is so hard to do that without worrying if you can catch the virus or bring it home unknowingly and put certain family members at risk.
Now more than ever, little things matter. So it is important to make the most out of everything, keep yourself happy, and make even the smallest blessings count. Be there for people who matter to you, and keep your relationship with them strong and worthwhile.
There you have it: 23 key takeaways from a life of laughter, tears, and everything in between. Here’s to celebrating growth and learning. ♡