the internet's feminist boyfriend.

noted mansplainer. advice for boys and girls from a sex-positive feminist dude who's not too pretentious about it.

[feministboyfriend]

What are your thoughts on being friends with benefits with someone?

Go for it! Connect Four!

Just know that one or both of you will probably at some point want something more, or something less, and it will probably end up putting your relationship in a weird place for a while, and...

[feministboyfriend]

best of.

[feministboyfriend]

We are a society of rules.

[feministboyfriend]

Hey, Feminist Boyfriend... what do you think about "Pick up arists", and that culture? One of my guy friends seems to be buying into it, and it's driving me crazy. -Brandi

Ugh. That shit is toxic. Part of the reason I began this site was to fight back against some of that idiocy. The saddest part is that it preys on a lot of well-meaning guys who happen to be a little awkward and genuinely want to know how to get a girlfriend, and maybe find some love.

Take an awkward dude and load his mind full of bullshit and you're bound to turn him into a powder-keg of douche.

Turns out women don't like being touched by strangers in bars. Or in any setting, really. It's gross.

Turns out, telling them they're fat or ugly (negging is the term they use) is a turn off. 

Turns out, when a woman seems to be uninterested it's because she's, uh... not interested.

And some women are out of your league. 

This does give me an idea for a much needed book, though. Thanks, Brandi. :)

[notkatniss]

[feministboyfriend]

It's hard to be a good feminist when you have albums to sell and corporate executives to please. This should not shock anyone.

[feministboyfriend]

Feminist Boyfriend, Back To Serve You...

Sorry it's been so long. Life. I want to get this thing back on track now, though. Let's push this over 1,000 followers and see where we can go. Help me?

Send questions. I want to help.

[feministboyfriend]

I'm back. My boyfriend of 2.5 years just left me. I feel like I am supposed to be all strong and independent now but the truth is I don't know how, and if he came back, I would take him. I just returned from Panama--he greeted me with roses, food, and a beautiful necklace. The next day, bam, I don't love you anymore. I don't see myself as beautiful and I hear about these "I saw you across the room and i knew you were the one" stories... I feel like that will never happen for me. Emotions.

Dear Feminist Kesha,

I hear you, Kesh. Love leaves us pretty weak and helpless sometimes. It’s easy to beat yourself up about it—YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH! But it’s never that easy. People burrow into our hearts, and when they leave they leave holes, whether it was a bad time or a good time. 

Your (ex?) bf seems either super slimey, or just a confused young man who doesn’t know what the fuck he wants. Either way, it’s a recipe for being fucked over. 

Sorry my reply wasn’t more timely. Either A) you’re back together now, or B) You’re over it already, meaning my bullshit probably doesn’t mean much now. In any case, I hope this finds you well, and you’re happy. Keep me posted. 

-IFB

[feministboyfriend]

Ta muchly for your reply to my question. What an excellent reply/advice/general awesomeness. Life can be rather shit, but with people like you in the world, it's a lot less shit. So thanks, Kia Kaha Feminist boyfriend, Kia Kaha (That's Maori for be strong or stay strong) and keep doing your thing. X

Thank you, X. I like to think I'm doing a tiny bit to help make the world slightly less shit. Thank you for the kind words, and stop by anytime.

Happy fuckings! -IFB

[feministboyfriend]

So I seem to be surrounded by anti slut shaming campaigns at the moment (totes legit) obviously I can see that slut shaming is a device used to regulate female sexuality etc etc. However, from recent personal experiences it feels pretty bad to be a "slut". Maybe thats just ingrained societal stigma. Maybe I should only be having sex with someone who cares about me etc etc. Or just do what I want. What's your stance? I want to be empowered, But I'm struggling with the emotional side of it. x

Slut is such a misused word, methinks. You can be the biggest slut in the known universe, and yet only have ever fucked one partner. Or you coudl fuck an entire football team on a lazy nondescript Tuesday afternoon. A big part of growning up is learning your sexual tastes. What works for you. What makes you happy, what makes you sad. What leaves you feeling indifferent. What makes your pussy drip in anticipation. Etc.

You do not need to feel bad that you want sex in a committed relationship with "someone who cares about you". And, let me say this... no matter how many people you're fucking, in my opinion, they should all care about you. They don't need to love you, or want to spend the rest of their lives with you... but they sure as fuck better care about you. Otherwise, you're letting yourself be shit on. No one ought to be shat on. 

As long as you're being truthful to yourself, refraining from slut-shaming others who have different sexual boundaries than you do, and you're not merely allowing yourself to fall victim to what you think society deems acceptable sexual behavior for a young woman, you do not need to apologize for a damn thing. In fact, that's what feminism is... the freedom to fuck as many, or as few people as YOU (yes, you) fucking feel like.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm assuming you're fairly young. Keep on learning yourself. You'll be surprised how much you change over time. I promise. Who knows what's in store for your vagina. 

Love, IFB

[feministboyfriend]

I miss you ! Post some more stuffs so I don't lose faith in humanity (mostly the MAN part) =) x

aw  thank you, rebel.  send me a  question!!  I'll answer  it!!! xoxoxox

[feministboyfriend]

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/my-best-friend-was-raped-or-was-he/ What’s your take on this? My best guy friend told me about a time he woke up to a girl having sex with him and ‘didn’t really know what was happening until it was over’. he felt weird/bad about it but didn’t want to call it sexual assault and I didn’t want to push a label on him but it sounded not okay. 

-about whistles

  yeah, this stuff gets so murky, doesn't it? in the end, we're not the ones who get to decide for others how to feel about these things. what is to gain by convincing our friends that they are victims? what is gained by feeling like a victim? 

  female-to-male sexual assault is so much different than the other, because of the shame involved with female rape. women are socialized to be ashamed of their sexuality, and to cherish their "purity". and if a woman is raped, she is socialized to believe that she has had the core of her being ripped apart. she has been violated, damaged, and can never live again like she once had. she is changed forever.

  men are not socialized the same way. we do not view sex, and sexual assault, through the same lens, because we live in two completely different planes of power, and sex is so interwoven with power that they are sometimes indistinguishable. so, yes, when something like this happens to men (and yes, it's happened to me), we may feel strange; we may feel like something uncool has happened; we may be confused; maybe even angry. but we don't feel like we have to hide. we don't have to feel the shame. we don't have to explain to our friends what happened and why even though it happened it wasn't our fault because we did and said all the right things and we didn't deserve it, we didn't dress wrong, or walk down a street we shouldn't have... it's just... something that happened to us that kind of sucks.

  this does not diminish male victims of sexual assault and abuse. but we can't pretend like men and women experience it in the same way, because we live in two completely different neighborhoods, sexually speaking. we have so much more privilege than we even know, us men. 

  but i'm not going to tell your friend how to feel. it's up to him how he wants to feel about it. if he wants to talk to you about it, let him. but i don't think it's appropriate or helpful to try to make him feel however you believe he should feel about it. just let him know you're there for him. that's what friends are for.

anyways, i'm drunk and rambling. hope this helps. 

oh, also... stop reading thought catalog. your 30-something self will thank me later. seriously, it's the worst.

  love,

  <a href="http://twitter.com/feministBF">IFB</a>

[feministboyfriend]

I'm a college student and I'm on birth control because I don't want to make babies. I'm in a great relationship with my boyfriend and he has a pretty crazy sex drive. Unfortunately, my birth control really messes up my libido. It is this awful catch-22. It's hard to explain it to my boyfriend. When we have sex we have a great time, but it's pretty infrequent, and sometimes he is sad that I don't want to have sex even though I assure him it's not his fault. What do we do?

Fuck, Feminist Kesha (love that name, by the way), I don’t know what to tell you. Well, no, wait, I guess I do know what to tell you. You’re a college student, so I have to assume you’re still pretty young. And being pretty young, I have to assume you haven’t tried every effective birth control option out there. I would consult your gynocologist, tell her or him what’s up, and see if you can do a little experimenting with other forms. 

Cuz, really… what’s the fucking point of being on birth control if you don’t want to fuck? Maybe you can find a better balance. You may never be able to match your boyfriend’s “pretty crazy sex drive”, but a couple that isn’t even in the same ballpark, sexually speaking, is never gonna end well.

love,

IFB

[feministboyfriend]

Top 5 Feminist Boyfriend Valentine's Day Date Ideas.

1) Walmart date -- Try on funny pants and laugh about the pants. Fuck after!

2) Sex date -- Go somewhere funny and have sex! Fuck after!

3) Music date -- Find where a band is playing and see the band. Fuck after!

4) Hat date -- Go to a hat store and try funny hats. Bring in 80's montage music if possible. Fuck after!

5) Cooking date -- Buy some ingredients for food and cook it together. Fuck while you're cooking the food!

[feministboyfriend]

Dear Feminist boyfriend, About a year ago I asked you for some advise with my boyfriend. We've been going out strong for a little over a year and i must say you're advise really helped. Thanks for everything even if you don't remember me its cool :]

i love hearing when i've helped people. most 'advice' givers seem to be about themselves--how they can write something buzzworthy, or get attention, etc--i genuinely want to help people grow, learn to view the world a little differently, and hopefully be a little happier for their trouble. this is all an adventure. enjoy it.

xox, IFB

[feministboyfriend]

you got issues.

let me help you with them.

send me your quesitons/problems/concerns/n00dz

[feministboyfriend]

books.

[feministboyfriend]

I just recently got out of an abusive relationship. Nothing physical, only emotional. Throughout the relationship, the boy made me give him things that were really important to me to "make up" for things I did. Of these things included many trinkets that my late grandmother gave to me. Now, I initially asked for these things back very nicely, and then meanly, and then nicely again, however nothing is working. I've contacted his mom, I've went to his house, and he still refuses. What should I do?

Yeah, fuck that guy. 

I would first try to take him to Judge Judy. She might order him castrated along with getting you your shit back.

Other than that, get a real lawyer. Usually getting served is enough to scare someone enough to giving in. If not, clearly you would win a small claims case. 

I know it's not a sexy answer. Although I don't believe in violence 98% of the time, it would be lovely to help you take care of this in a dark alley somewhere. I don't suffer little pieces of shit. And you shouldn't have to live with injustice, either.

Let me know how it goes... Love, -IFB

[thisiswhywedont]

“she was the kinda girl you made mixtapes for. learned french. or japanese. or quit working nights in that shitty bar and found a more respectable job that could pay for more than just scraping by. the kind of girl that had men lined up, one by one, happily waiting to be sliced in two, just so they could say they once felt the touch of her blade.”

jca, 2012 (via thisiswhywedont)