Fern The Accountant

She/they, queer, ENTJ, returning to tumblr, but in a VERY different place

[spacelazarwolf]

ppl who oppose gender affirming care for kids are nuts like the extent of medical intervention for trans kids is maybe puberty blockers but they’ll still be like “SO UR SAYING WE SHOULD LET TODDLERS HAVE TOP SURGERY???????” barbara toddlers do not have a top to surgery

[mixtapetraxx]

Bond girls are out. Blanc girls (underprivileged women who screw over rich assholes with the help of this silly detective) are in.

[catchymemes]

[melrows]

glass onion was amazing and I wouldn’t change anything about it. BUT I do think it would have been hilarious if there was a post credit scene with all of them getting covid, because of course miles’ gun vax thing doesn’t work.

[may-darling]

I find it absolutely hilarious that after playing the popularised sexy man “James Bond” for what feels like a millennium, Daniel Craig has only now reached tumblr sexy man status by playing a funky southern gay detective with a hubby that bakes sour bread. If this is not the most on brand tumblr thing I don’t know what is

[rorschachisgay]

we dont know anything about Benoit Blanc's husband except that hes called Philip but i want him to be a retired jewel thief who Benoit met during a case after he was hired to locate some stolen diamonds and Philip was posing as a gardener and Benoit kept asking him increasingly complicated questions about gardening so Philip thought he was onto him but really Benoit just thought he was hot and asked Philip out but the entire time Philip was like this is some kind of gambit so kept getting weirder and weirder until Benoit was like what is up with you so Philip confessed the whole thing and Benoit was like oh shit. but the guy he robbed was a total asshole so Benoit was like whatever it's fine so they started dating and the diamonds ended up paying for their apartment

[fern-the-accountant]

Philip becomes super into gardening in the process and their apartment is covered in his plant babies

[fern-the-accountant]

Why have I not found one Merther modern AU of Merlin and Arthur as JFK and is gay best friend Lem Billings? Their college pics are couple goals and Lem literally had a room in the White House. The Kennedy complex is literally called Camelot why does this not exist

[memewhore]

[collidedscope]

the “bad guys” in hallmark movies end up always being the most respectful men ever.

because they will find out their girlfriend of 3 years (that they were about to propose to) went off to a random farm in minnesota, hours away from were the two of them built a life together, and she decided to just… stay there without even consulting him.

and then he decides to take a trip to make sure she’s okay, because this is generally alarming behavior, and then sees that she literally fell in love with her ex within one (1) week- and he wasn’t there, but you can TELL that they’ve made out a couple times.

and then she just strings him along for a few days, until fucking christmas eve, when she just breaks up with him and is like “i know we used to have the same values, but i’ve never loved you. mark makes me happier than you ever did. and you ONLY care about work, whereas i like christmas and fun, like a Good Person.”

and then, after finding out his entire relationship was a lie and he had his life turned upside down in a week and he got dumped on christmas, this guy’s just like “ok yeah that makes sense. i only wish you the best of happiness with mark. i hope you guys build a great life together in christmastreefarmville. thank you for everything.”

[spitcastle]

[rollerskater]

this is the most accurate representation of this scene

[messermoony]

Death Eaters ➸ Severus Snape “I don’t expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses…” 

[fern-the-accountant]

[ace-angel]

‘bi people can pass as straight!’

anyone can pass as straight, if they silence themselves enough.

[pro-aspec-lesbian]

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

[shayalonnie-deactivated20210610]

Three years ago I was dealing with a bout of depression. It was not unusual, I’ve had depression and anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. But this bout followed my thirtieth birthday. I was not upset about turning thirty. I did not think my life was over or that my youth was behind me. Rather, I was in the middle of an amazing year full of the freedom that came with stepping away from religious oppression, finding my own faith and defining what that meant to me, and coming off of a year of painful fertility drugs and the decision not to continue treatment. I’d honestly never felt better.

And yet … depression.

I got that apathetic kind of depression where nothing seems fun or exciting or even remotely attention grabbing enough to pull me out of bed. I was just … stuck. I was missing something. 

As I do when I’m in a depression, I binged watched things. On a random Saturday, I stumbled upon Deathly Hallows Part One playing on ABC Family, likely during one of their marathons. 

“God I forgot how much I fucking love these movies.”

I’d seen almost every one in theatre. He-Man had read the books religiously (and even worked at a book store during the release of the first few). I knew the general plot because he is utterly incapable of NOT sharing things with me when he’s reading. So when the movies came out, of course we went. He fumed and fumed in his seat over missing characters and twisted plotlines, and I laughed and laughed until some random kid behind me loudly whispered to his friend “That’s the one that dies at the end” when Cedric Diggory first appeared on screen. (Seriously. WTF, you little brat?)

Rather than read the books, I’d spent time playing on Pottermore and the wiki pages learning ingredients to potions and the etymology behind the spells. I loved the world that JKR created, but I suck when it comes to reading fiction. My attention span (especially in my twenties) was garbage. 

So in the last week of June 2014, I borrowed my mother-in-law’s DVDs of the movies and binged them all. I laughed, I cried, I FELT something for the first time in weeks. Emotions. Feeling. Life. Magic. 

“I want to read the books now. I need to read the books.”

So I read them. I read several chapters every night out loud while my husband played video games. I laughed when he cried. He laughed when I cried. I did voices, and we argued over exactly how pompous Lockhart should sound. I gasped during parts that were not in the movies. “Why is Molly being such a bitch to Sirius?” “Wait, who are all these other elves?” “Dumbledore’s a shit. I’m glad he’s dead!” “OMG Tonks. OMG Fred. OMG Remus. OMG I hate this so much.”

And I loved it.

I loved it so much. 

I felt like an addict waiting for my husband to get home each night so I could keep reading. I begged him, “Just two more chapters. I’m almost done with this book!” even as I LITERALLY lost my voice in the middle of Deathly Hallows. 

Then, like magic, I remembered that the story didn’t have to end. I’d been RPing written stories with friends for two decades, and I’d stumbled into fanfiction from time to time. So I knew what sites to go to.

I read epilogue continuations first. I wanted to know what happened after. Then I thought, “I wonder what if …?” And I fell head first into the deep end of Dramione, Marauders, and a crap ton of Marriage Law and Time-Turner fics.

“I have an idea. I want to be apart of this. I think I have a story in me.”

And three years later, I have a life. A hobby. A PASSION. I’ve made amazing friends, rebuilt a really fucked up self esteem and sense of pride, learned a lot about grammar and story structure, and helped to add building blocks to a fandom that saved me. 

I can’t believe it’s been three years.

Thank you all, for some of the best three years of my life.

♥♥♥ Shaya ♥♥♥

[fern-the-accountant]

Oh my god literally crying because I didn't realize until recently that I have been dealing with depression through reading Harry Potter fanfics and this hits me so close to home, honestly.

[jisungjuice]

The Toad Question

Part 1 | Part II

The library was finally emptying out and Neville’s resolve had never been so great. He had been there all afternoon watching Pansy Parkinson study, her little dark green toad on the table accompanying her. He had meant to study initially, but ever since she walked in he hadn’t been able to read a single word, so a couple of hours later he decided it was necessary to go and talk to her.

Neville needed to know why someone like her had a toad. Toads weren’t fashionable or cool, and they certainly weren’t expensive like some owls and cats. If someone had asked him, he would have said that Pansy Parkinson was the type of girl to have a beautiful, exotic, purebred cat that would sit and purr on her lap all day long. Something very different from the fat amphibian hopping all over her homework right then.

Neville tried to gather all of his Gryffindor courage. He stood up and looked around to make sure no one was watching him before strolling over to where Pansy was sitting. He was a few feet away when her head snapped up. She narrowed her eyes at him and Neville panicked.

“Sorry, I was just wondering if I could ask you a question,” he blurted out before he lost his nerve completely.

Pansy rolled her eyes. “If you’re looking for a girlfriend for your toad, I’m sorry to say that Juniper is also a male, so you might want to keep looking.”

Neville blushed unexpectedly. “Oh, no. That’s not what-”

“Look,” she interrupted with a sigh. “I have a lot to do, so you better be on your way.” Pansy dismissed him with a hand. Neville noticed that her nails were painted in a shade of green that matched Juniper.

He turned to leave, resigning himself to the fact that he would never know why Pansy Parkinson had a toad.

“Juniper’s too cute for Trevor, anyway.”

For a moment Neville thought he had imagined the words, but when he dared to look over his shoulder, he saw that Pansy had a half-smile on her face as she continued scribbling on her parchment. Juniper was hopping happily over her tower of books.

Or perhaps, he just needed more time.

[fern-the-accountant]

All about this

[fern-the-accountant]

It's a teary day when the 20th anniversary of Harry Potter coincides with the first day of my period...

[fern-the-accountant]

What I say: I'm fine What I mean: in the new Pirates movie I was expecting Wills son to be able to break out of the jail on his own because Will could with his Blacksmith Powers(c), but he couldn't because his father could never teach him anything because he was cursed to remain on the Flying Dutchman

[fern-the-accountant]

So today I did a thing...