f.b.

[fernbrooke]

the dull ache of missing you

deep in my marrow, swirling in my stomach, pumping through my veins

the slight pain of missing you

the tightness in my throat, the throbbing in my muscles, the twitch of my nose

the calm emptiness of missing you

the hollowness of my chest, the coldness of my breath, the sound of my sighs

physically apart from you, mentally apart from me

[fernbrooke]

I miss you the most in the night.

On the nights when your absence is an immeasurable cavity on your side of the bed that I deep dive into, in search of the you that was mine.

On the nights my pillow is soaked with the tears of the loss and the sweat of the fear it’s permanent. I am drenched with the pain.

On the nights I squeeze my eyes shut so tight in hopes that it will wring you from my mind so my heart can rest.

It’s the nights I feel lost and lacking because you’re missing. I’m left waiting for a familar arm to reach around my waist, drawing me to safety, that’s never present.

On the nights that should’ve been ours, I miss you the most.

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

‪I’ve always been indecisive, out of fear of regrets or wasted time.

I’ve never felt certain about anything in my life.

The only thing I’ve ever been sure of is you. ‬

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

don't you dare tell me you love me

when you know your power

you know my weakness

you tell me you love me

you tell me I'm pretty

you tell me I'm worthy

and I fall into your arms like your words meant something

but they are exactly that - words

I love you

you know

I know

but still I fall every time

still I forgive

I accept

I move forward

and I call it love

because love is hard, love is compromise and patience and growth

but love is not love when I am doing all the growing and working and the compromise

love is not love when I am the only one loving

- fernbrooke

[fernbrooke]

I want to be held

when my chest is heavy and my heart feels broken

when breathing feels like the hardest task I've ever had to face

when I cannot see beyond the next second and I'm not sure I want to be there for it

I want to be held

I want to be held by you

but you

you are the one pressing on my chest

taking away my air

and shattering my heart

I want to be held by you

pulled back together by you

you broke me

and still

I'm pathetic enough to want you to fix what you did

- fernbrooke

[coffee-crinkled-pages]

I. You can tell me You love me In the sunrise And by midday I will think I’m completely Alone. Your love is enough But I feel like I’m not enough for your love. II. I will wake you up At 2 am When I’m stone-cold-sober To say sorry For everything. You won’t know what I’m talking about. Neither will I. Say it’s okay. III. Some days I will tell you I need you to hold me. Tell me I am strong on my own But you’ll be there Just the same. IV. I am and will be Jealous of Everyone and everything That goes on When you’re not with me. Remind me That you care but Never let me make you Feel guilty for not letting Your world revolve Around me. V. When I call you crying One too many times I don’t need advice, Just to know That my tears are not Falling unheard. VI. I will accuse you Of being sick of me, Of being tired of me A lot. And you will spend These conversations Feeling like a broken record. Don’t get bored of me. I’m just scared That you’ll see me The way I see myself. VII. I will never be angry But I’ll get passive-aggressive. If I tell you It doesn’t matter Tell me It matters To you. VIII. I’m not as broken As I often like to think I am. Don’t try to fix me. I still need to learn. IX. I’m afraid of being rejected But don’t stay If you don’t want to. I’d rather be alone Than with someone There out of pity. X. Be patient And let me Grow into your arms.

M.S. An open letter to anyone who loves me (via coffee-crinkled-pages)

[fernbrooke]

be a poem

u can be short,

long

painful

beautiful

painfully beautiful

your story can be filled with love or bitterness or comedy or tragedy

you can rhyme

or not

you're allowed to make no sense

you can space yourself out into neatly organised lines and stanzas to make for an easy read

- or you can explode onto the page and everything you are can lie there, so much at once, heavy, hard to comprehend

no matter how you do it

be a poem

no matter how you come

beauty will be found in you

you will mean something to someone

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

most of the time I'm drunk on you

the buzz

the most impossible isthisreallyhappeningIdidn'tknowIcouldbesohappy feeling

that something inside that screams that you must have more, more, more and you do until you're falling over yourself giggling with glee and everything feels so much less heavy

but then there are moments where being with you feels like a cruel hangover

that throbbing in your head except with you it's in my heart and that feeling that makes you sick to your stomach and you have no idea what it is that you need you just don't wanna feel like this

but then you remember the night before and how

incredible

and invincible

and wonderful

that sweet, sticky liquor made you feel

you know the pain will pass

and you'll get drunk again

because nothing feels the same

and it's all so worth it

- f.b

(addicted to you)

[fernbrooke]

they tell you

"it'll all work out in the end"

but I wonder how many people have died unhappy

their worlds never healed, everything didn't happen for a reason, they didn't end up where they needed to be, they didn't find the one, their world never stopped ending

it didn't all work out in the end

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

can I tell you a secret?

whenever I see those blog posts, those tweets, about how the boy you love will never find anyone that will compete with you,

that tell you not to concern yourself with his future women because he will always wish his future was with you instead

that offer reassurance, support and a boost in the confidence that you are magic and so worthy of love

instead of me feeling as though you will never find anyone as good as me, I question

as I lie next to you, naked in your bed, if you have already found that girl and in fact I am the one competing but could never compare to her

am I the only one?

does anyone think of that?

does anyone think about that woman?

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE SO IN LOVE YOU CANT BREATHE?

[fernbrooke]

I am a strong woman

I have survived stormy, crashing waves in a tugboat

I have lived through battles with no weapons, taking cover in the tiny alcoves of my self-assurance & fighting with anything I had within me when I could no longer hide

with my fierce bravery

with any pride & confidence I had remaining after everything that had already been taken from me

I am independent with ease

I am a strong woman

I can handle anything

And I can do it alone

Until you rocked up with your gorgeous brown eyes, your mysterious aura and that stupid fucking smile

How dare you

How dare you make me weak

I have survived it all

But I will never survive you

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

loving you

is like finding a poetry book

full of words you love

and finding out that some of the poems were taken from other books

snatched to fill the pages and make it full

it doesn't mean you love the book any less

it's doesn't mean the poetry book can't be yours

it just feels like it never really belongs to you

it's not totally yours

because it's always a little bit theirs

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

this is becoming a pattern

me, with people

drive them insane

make them cry

push them away

make them mad

I'm too paranoid

too loud

too irritating

too much

It's upsetting every time but I always manage to find a path that leads to equal blame, some kind of balance, signs of an already toxic relationship only slightly infested with my own issues

but with you it's different,

the thought of me

being stupid

being shitty

ruining things for no reason other than my own fears or poor character traits

breaks my heart

because you

are the sunlight and my safe place

and if I can't get it right with you

then I couldn't ever get it right

because I'd do anything for you

you'd have every right to get sick of me, I often get sick of me

I don't want you to get sick of me

pls don't get sick of me

I could be the worst person ever but I'd always try my best with you

I just wanna be the best for you

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

when I tell you I'm sorry

I don't expect you to tell me not to be

because I know I should apologise

for being like I am

for not being what you deserve

but I didn't expect you to agree with the blame I'm drenching myself in by saying nothing at all

when I tell you I'm ruining us, that I hate myself for not being right for you because all I want is to be the only one whose right for you

I want you to tell me it's ok, to kiss me on the forehead and hold my hand until I stop being so hard on myself even though I know I don't deserve it

I didn't expect you to be silent

I didn't know it was that true

I didn't know how bad I am for you

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

the moment you said it was beautiful there

I felt a sickness in my stomach

because I knew it would mean you're leaving me soon

- f.b.

[fernbrooke]

he's the kind of guy

that breaks your heart, with how he loves you

because he's the kind that you don't deserve and you know it

so you spend so much of your time trying to earn the right, to love him

and be deserving of the right for his love

and you hope it's enough

because he deserves the world, someone better than you

but you're so endlessly in love with him, you ache to become worthy of him

because for some reason he really loves you too

- f.b.