My therapist said something the other day, that blew my mind and I wanted to share.
He brought up my inclination to over explain myself, and the conversation went like this:
Him: why do you think you do that?
Me: Because I’ve had a couple instances in my life where someone said they felt like I was trying to be manipulative/mean/etc when I hadn’t intended that at all. And I thought maybe if I had explained myself better, or said it differently, they wouldn’t have felt that way and the conflict could have been avoided
Him: is it possible they were actually trying to manipulate you by saying that? Especially since you wear on your sleeve that you try to be a good person?
The thought had genuinely never crossed my mind.
Something we didn’t say, because it is an agreed upon understanding between him and I - is that obviously, not every person who says they feel manipulated is trying to do an “UNO reverse” on you.
But it had genuinely never occurred to me that there might be a portion of the population who uses it that way. (This being tumblr, I assume I am not the only person this will be a surprise to)
After that, we discussed how people are, in general, given the benefit of the doubt.
ie: you are (generally speaking) allowed to just say what you think, without the entire group assuming the worst/meanest/most uncharitable definition of what you mean.
Also if you are around people that chronically assume the worst of you, unless you preface everything and give them no other possible alternative to what you say - then you should probably surround yourself with different people.
This could look like a lot of things:
Example: You communicate normally to people who chronically assumes the worst of you
You: hey we tend to have a lot of dirty dishes around, can you to be a little better about putting them in the sink?
Them: as if YOU never leave anything out! I pick up your stuff all the time! I’m tired of you attacking me in my own house!
note: things you didn’t say, but were nonetheless heard:
I never leave the dishes out
You never have to clean up after me, because I’m so clean
You are really gross for the way you live
Example: managing the other person emotions, by over explaining - to a person that requires it from you.
You: hey. Not saying I never leave anything out, but I’ve notice a lot of your dirty dishes being left around the house. Since I do most of the dishes, it’s really hard for me to clean them, and it smells bad, can I ask you to put them in the sink when you’re done with them.
Them: *no response* (but notably - no fight either)
Note: in an inability to interpret what you said as aggressive, they choose to disengage. Because if they feel they are the innocent person being attacked, then being hurtful is justified, but an instance where they look at their own bad behavior- even a small ome - is uncomfortable to the point of disengagement.
Example: over explaining to a normal communicator
You: hey. Not saying I never leave anything out, but I’ve notice a lot of your dirty dishes being left around the house. Since I do most of the dishes, it’s really hard for me to clean them, and it smells bad, can I ask you to put them in the sink when you’re done with them.
Them: okay?? (Wondering why this needed to be such a long question)
Finally: normal communication
You: hey, we tend to have a lot of dirty dishes around. Can I ask you to be a little better about putting them in the sink?
I sincerely hope this helps someone else.
