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This Room

Built with the same four walls like every other room, this room holds a special place for Riley. Of course, it’s her bedroom. This room is where Riley took her alone time and reminisce every other memories that had happened below its roof.

Every inches and angles, she remember it clearly how she’s always been different in this room. Different from herself outside this room.

Sometimes she jumps happily, sometimes she’s frustrated, sometimes she’s angry, and sometimes she cries. She begins to feel overwhelmed with all these emotions.

Sometimes, at midnight she might think about something and another thing with music playing out of her stereo until the break of dawn. With these four walls around her, she stays awake every other night and it becomes a habit.

With the company of these light blue colored walls, there is no one who knows her better than this room. Not even her knowing that something could have happened. Unspeakable ones. It’s probably better that way.

This room, sometimes its scary. It could eat her up in the middle of the night and even though she close her eyes, she’ll be having trouble falling asleep.

Months from now this room will be empty and there’s no Riley in it without knowing when will she be back. It’ll leave some stories behind or just keep every unspeakable truths inside it. Happiness, anger, sadness, and other emotions will always be its history.

Riley won’t say goodbye to this room but she promise that she’ll be back with a new story. That is why that it is amazing how just a room can hold a lot of different memories, feelings, and possibilities without breaking its walls up like they broke Riley.

-SA

The Whale and The Squid

Everybody got a story to tell that nobody knows. Mine’s about a whale and a squid.

This is a story of Whale and Squid. One day Whale came down to the bottom of the ocean where it wasn’t usually there. Whale wanted to make some friends because it thought that it’d be lonely up in the surface on its own. After spending some time below the surface, Whale met a cute little Squid.

Squid found a place where Whale is. They got a little bit close; at least that is what Whale think and it has no clue whether Squid ever think the same way.

One day Squid told Whale that a squid can be funny too. Whale was in an awe after hearing some jokes that Squid had told. It was so sudden and Whale did not see that coming. Ever since then, Whale became very sure that this particular squid can really motivate how Whale live its life; at least until it is ready to come back up to the surface and find another species to fancy.

For several years, the whale had not got onto the surface. It really likes to spend some time down below with Squid rather than on the surface.

“There’s Squiddy. It feels better with Squiddy in my life.” But Whale knows better about the consequences that if Whale stays below the surface for too long, Whale won’t live any longer.

Even though Whale already knows that much, Whale still kept itself below the surface because that’s where Squid was until it is time for both of them to live that place below the surface.

They both left the spot where they were for several years. Whale got back to the surface and never came down again because Whale grew tired without any oxygen to breathe, while Squiddy swam away from place to place leaving Whale never knowing how Squid really feels about them.

For some time, Whale tried to revisit that spot below the surface but Squid was never there. “Squid must be happy on its own and I should too.” Whale began to think that what they had weren’t all that special to Squiddy as it is for Whale. It also seems that Whale was the only one who imagined things that never exists.

On a one summer day, Whale was lob-tailing its tail just to have fun. But while Whale was at it, Whale unconsciously looked below the surface to that spot where Whale and Squid usually hang a long time ago. Whale saw a wide-little blob swimming under the water with its fluffy red cheeks swaying due to the water pressure while swimming.

“Whaley!” Its Squid. Whale swam below the water while scrunching its face because it wasn’t sure who did it saw. “Squiddy? Why are you here?” Whale asked. “Came to check if you’re still here.” Squiddy said. Whale smiled and they talked for a while.

“Hey thanks for checking up on me. I’ll still be in this particular spot if you ever want to visit this place again.” Whale said. “Okay. I gotta get going, its really nice to meet you again.” Squid said while it softly wraps its two tentacles around Whale. “Yeah you too.” Whale replied.

After that small reunion, Whale can’t help but notice that Whale never said that Whale had always wanted to check up on Squid but the ocean’s water pressure won’t let it dive too deep to look for Squid. Though there were some thoughts that had never been shared, Whale will always make sure that that particular spot under water won’t be as empty as before for Squid to come every now and then.

But Whale became very tired to have to check under the water when there will never be anyone there, so Whale had to travel far away from that place to find itself without Squid shadowing its mind.

Then Whale wrote Squid a letter in a bottle so that when Squid comes to visit their spot, it’ll know that Whale had been gone across the pacific ocean to the north atlantic.

By the time Squid read the letter, it was already fading but still readable.

‘Thank you Squiddy. I’ve been cherishing all those years with you in it. Sorry I couldn’t be here longer…

By the time you read this letter, I’m probably already across the pacific ocean. Gotta clear my head and try to live in the northern atlantic. Hope we’ll cross path again and with me being a different whale. Take care.

Love, Whaley.’

Squid read the letter and sat there for a while. It then left the bottle on their spot and swam away.

-SA

Pizza

We sat on a table for (more) than two close to the window looking to the outside road.

Waiting for our orders and on a stop for the trip to uni.

I ordered mac ‘n cheese, I forgot yours but I bet it’s something alike.

As we and the others wait, we were all very quiet and somehow I felt really nervous because we’re sitting face to face here.

Your hands and mine close. I was trying so hard to not move them to where your hands were. But some time later I felt a tap on my hand and you made a sound, ‘boop’ or something like that.

As I’m remembering how it goes, I just assume that you felt the same. You wanted to hold my hand too so you did that ‘boop’ thingy. But I guess it don’t matter to you, right?

Things Has Changed

So things has changed a bit. I got a new life way ahead of me and you too. I got a job and its challenging in every aspect. While you are still there wandering around your text books and notes. Getting in to classes after classes. It’s still the same but a little different, right? Many days had passed. Days that don’t include you there. Usually I was always looking forward to meet you but its way different now. But until the last Sunday we’ve met, I’ve missed the feeling of sitting right beside you. Oh here I am again being my delusional self. But I was so happy to actually see your face again in person. Oh how I wish that the time could be longer. Oh how I wish that you and I could get the chance to take a longer time together. But I think that every thing have its own part. I shouldn’t wish for more. And I just need to say that, for now I think that there won’t be anyone that can make me feel the way I feel towards you. Will I always be this way? Cause if I am, then its going to be hard for me to find love again.

Who?

Nobody knows with who I fell for. Lets just let it be that way and I won’t let my smile be ruined just because they know I like you. I like you so much it hurts. People can only guess, but my mind is always on you. You’re out of their reach. And i will just let them guess. — 15/12

Rear View Mirror

Saw your face in my rear view mirror.

I was in my sunglasses and saw you looking back. But i think I was being delusional again.

You probably caught me looking and if that’s true, then I don’t have anything to deny.

November had really been a month.

So...

So I don’t know what day is it. I know it’s Satuday and it’s dawn already. But I don’t count how many days i’ve been falling in love with you. I wouldn’t call it love cause i’m not sure if it’s love. But I think that it is easier to call it that way.

Hey, it’s been an ups and downs rollercoaster ride. Some days I met you, some days I don’t. Some days I feel like I can finally reduce the feelings I’ve held inside for a very long time, some days it feels like an eternity to not be seeing you when I used to see you there.

This will be over soon and will we ever be able to catch up too? Will I ever be able to tell you the truth? Will I ever know how you actually felt about me?

2020 will be the year where we will never see each other frequently like this year does. It’s an opportunity to not be seeing you as much. But I don’t know if I can endure the feeling of not loving you again. Will I ever find another being to make me feel the way you’re making me feel? Or will I just be feeling crumbling everyday knowing you have somebody else in your mind? Or will I just be trying to reforget things over and over and over again?

Maybe this feeling is a thing that people call a ‘nuisance’? It’s gonna be over soon enough and I don’t know if I should be happy or sad because I’m gonna be free. But on the other side, there will be less than enough of you.

Yesterday I met you and tried to pick up a normal conversation and small talks. It was short but was worth it. Never been better. There was a rush inside of me. Tried to gather myself before we even start to say anything. I was really glad that I didn’t catch any wacky tones or weird sentences. Seeing you with your friends and chilling, knowing you got the greatest group of friends, maybe these things are just enough to make me smile.

Is it the same for you? Or am I just alone in this crazy delusional mess I’m in?

Well, either way, there are no paths to take. I have my own and you have yours. I will see you when I see you. Nothing’s attach and you’ll live your life happily. And let’s just hope that I will too.

And just so you know, I will try to change the feeling I feel. Soon I’ll look up to all those memories, all those paragraphs I’ve wrote about you, all those playlist and songs that reminds me of you and smile at it because it was... beautiful. Then I’ll just get over it faster than today does.

Here’s to the future.

- 23/11/19 (05.50)

I'm happy for you I'm smiling for you I'd do anything For you, for you It's always for you And never for me And I need it to stop So let me tell you, please I'm always sad And I'm always lonely But I can't tell you That I'm breaking slowly Closed doors Locked in, no keys Keeping my feelings hidden There is no ease I need it to stop And I want to be able To open up but, My feelings are fatal (My feelings are fatal) How many times Must I keep it inside I need to let go And I swear that I've tried But opening up Means trusting others And that's just too much I don't want to bother So I'll keep it inside And bury it deep I know it's not healthy But you won't hear a peep Though I'm always sad And I'm always lonely I could never tell you That I'm breaking slowly Closed doors Locked in, no keys Keeping my feelings hidden There is no ease I need it to stop And I want to be able To open up but, My feelings are fatal (My feelings are fatal) (My feelings are fatal)

So, yeah I’m still a fool.

Always have been.

Never know when to stop, cause I dont know how to stop.

It’s driving me crazy. YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

It’s already the end of October and October has been a really great month for me but also depressing. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know how to act, I don’t know where I went wrong that it leads me into this situation right here.

I’m starting to open up but the process really drives me nuts. I’d really want to blame it all on you, but it’s just not right because it was all my fault and I should just blame myself.

There are some things that made me feel very excited about and some things that made me feel really attached to the way I think of you. Beneath all that, I really hope that you could think of me the way I think of you too. But I can’t do hope. Not any more.

What part of you is still lingering in my sight and my mind? Everywhere I go, I can’t seem to detach every LITTLE things, every tiniest bit of smile, every smallest touch that you’ve given me. I’m feeling attached and this probably isn’t love... it’s attachment. (I can’t get serious with this bcs this kind of reminds me of emails lol. But ok, we need to loosen up right).

All the musics that I played seems to be more and more depressing, like I just broke up with someone and it’s like I’m still on it with that guy whom I was previously with. But no it’s not about that. It never was.

This whole month, I spent most of it just by thinking about you. Thinking how you could’ve been, how you get through the day, how can I be with you and just talks about our feelings and that obviously did not happen. But at other times, I’m really happy that I could smile even if I’m tired. I just don’t know why it was just never enough. I should’ve just be grateful that I could be around you.

But all my empty and sad feelings came when it ended. I rarely saw you... And it’s just been really hard to look at you in the eyes. And all these feelings were just bottled up and as if they weren’t fit enough in it, they just kept on adding up and adding up and made this pile of feelings, mix feelings.

So I found a way, a little way to get out of it. A way to make that pile of feelings smaller and smaller. We were never in common and I tried to not put so much effort on you when you’re around. And I guess this is just for the best. We aren’t here to lit a spark up. We are just not meant to be together. You’ll find someone and I’ll be happy for you. And I’ll find someone and you’ll surely be happy too.

It’s not the path that we should take. I know we’re different, I know we’re not that compatible. But somehow you just kept on pulling me. That shouldn’t happen again.

Dear Self,

Just hear on what I was saying. That shouldn’t happen again. Detach yourself, you should be fine from all these troubled feelings.

You’ll find another love.

“Bimbang Atas Segala Rasa” Kita semua memang sedang mencoba untuk dewasa. Berbagai macam rintangan dan permasalahanpun telah atau bahkan sedang kita lalui bersama-sama. Adakalanya perasaan jenuh akan harus menghadapi semua konflik yang datang mulai bermunculan dan tidak akan pernah habis. Berbagai macam pandangan yang tidak satu dengan pandangan sendiri, menimbulkan konflik batin yang tidak terelakkan. Mau sampai kapan? Jalani saja dulu, pikirnya. Akupun juga bingung harus bagaimana menyikapinya karena diriku tidak terlalu berperan sangat besar seperti yang lainnya. Aku tidak tahu apa yang seharusnya dan sepatutnya dilakukan agar semua ini berjalan lebih baik. Aku hanya aku. Biarkan para eksekutor ini dapat merasakan berita baiknya nanti. Biarkan ini menjadi beban kami saja. Semoga mereka dapat merasakan berita baik itu. Itu saja yang aku harapkan untuk beberapa hari ke depan ini. Pasrah? Pasrah kepada apa? Aku bagian dari mereka. Mungkin ada yang salah juga denganku sehingga mereka tidak seperti yang aku harapkan. Apa yang perlu aku ubah? Entahlah, aku juga masih mencari tahu apa yang perlu ku ubah namun hal tersebut tidak kunjung datang memberi jawaban utuh. — Lap. Hoki UI, 26 September 2019

Missing someone rn.

Hey, its probably too late or too soon for me to write about what im feeling right now at almost 2 am. Im missing someone and they probably wont know or even feel the same. I miss talking to and seeing them. Im missing someone right now and I really like how it made me feel. Sometimes its beautiful to feel this way, but sometimes it hurts cause I dont have the guts to even set up the words to get us talking. I know that you’re in such a bad condition right now. And I really appreciate everything you’ve done. I really hope that every problem you’re facing right now could go smaller and smaller until you’re feeling less burdened. Dont be so hard on yourself. You’ll get through whatever you’re facing. If I was the one who made you feel happier and if I was one of the reason for you to smile yesterday, then I’d want to be the one who can make you feel happy and i’d want to be one of the reason for you to smile right now or even tomorrow. If it wasn’t me, I dont know what’s the point of having all these thoughts in the first place? Well now I’m sure that whether it’s me or not because of me, I’m glad that I’ve seen those laugh and beautiful smile you had. That time when we leaned on each other, I feel peace and warmth. It was as if I dont have to go and its best to stay. So stay. I’d want to love you for as long as I can and shows them only for you to see. I’d want to stay and be ready for when you need me. I’d want to try all these things and give us a chance. But this might be a no good reason to start our venture. But I still want to try. Do you? P.s. And I still miss you.

Where to Turn

Ever heard the phrase ‘don’t know where to turn to’?

Well me, I heard it everyday with the inside voice in my head. Everyday I tried to live and still trying to know what life is.

Don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I’m still that person who can’t trust easily. Always a sceptical person. Don’t trust myself either. Am I real or am I not?

I can’t just simply turn to someone. Like I said before, I don’t trust anybody. I’ve trust but then there’s just something they did that made me decide to not trust them again.

And in the end, it’s just me and some music. Sometimes it just gets me. Sometimes I’m all by myself. Expecting others to understand but none of them can. Sometimes I think that I was the one who should do the understanding. But God. Sometimes it’s just not the right time.

Then when’s the right time?

I don’t know where to turn to. Craving for someone’s presence but it’s just... unnecessary. This one’s not gonna be here unless there’s something to do with me.

I don’t really know where to turn to.

Smile.

All the thoughts i put in to when I see you smile.

Sadly, I can’t do all the things I think about.

Sometimes, I can’t give you the things you need.

And I always think to myself that ‘is all these things enough?’

Seeing is believing, they said.

I believe that you are smiling because you really are happy.

But I don’t often see that.

So how can I believe?

Maybe there is a way to not be here.

I can’t stay for a bit longer, but I can’t leave for long enough either.

If I could ask for a moment with you, then I should ask for a way to forget.

Don’t remind me.

We’re here for nothing. Nothing in particular.

I can’t risk all the time.

There’s nothing to risk for anyway.

Every moment seems so pure and while you’re here, I should just be happy.

Embrace them, they said.

And nevertheless, I’ll still feel the same eventhough you’re not.

The words that I put in to this world.

There are no meaning unless you could see through it.

And these are the words of how my feelings could work.

How my feelings could endure the thought of you.

Cause it can barely hold it any longer.

Bingung dan Benci

Sejujurnya, gue ga ngerti sama diri sendiri. What did I actually seek from myself and the others? I find it hard to clarify things and justify things. It could took me long enough to declare that you, my friend, ARE my friend. It could took me long enough to clarify that you, my friend, ARE my BEST friend. It’s so hard to put trust on others. It’s so hard to say that someone is MY friend. Mungkin karena luka lama yang gue sendiri alami dan kalian ga akan ada yang ngerti gimana dan kenapa. And in the end, there’s no one here who can help me get through what I’m feeling right now except myself. It’s like there’s a riot going on inside my mind. No songs can help me get over this uncertainty and anxiety. I don’t know what can help me. There should be someone. But I guess they don’t care about the fact that I need them the most. So yeah, there’s no one. I... suck.

A Feeling That Only I Could Feel

I have come to a realization that no matter what you do or what i do, the day that I have gone through could get even better when you’re around. I have decided to keep things to myself and this is special cause its a feeling that only I could feel. It won’t be special when people knows whats up, and it will only ruin every little thing that makes it special. You’re special.

Taking things slow and...

I’m taking things slow. There shouldn’t be anything to take. But I really like to give. I don’t have anything to expect. Expectations are build based on hope. I don’t hope less, so that’s why I usually expect too much. Hurting myself all over again. Don’t know if it will happen or not. I care about you. And I know you do too. But nothing can keep us near unless there’s a chance of us trying to get closer and closer. But it won’t take us into another level of... I don’t know, what’s the point of thinking about this. It matters to me more than anything. I don’t know about you. But you matters to me. I hate this feeling, but I love it when you just comes around running through my mind. Well I hope you’re well. I hope you’re safe. I hope that you could get enough rest. Take a day off and you’ll be fine. I hope that you could get the best things in life. I want to be there when you’re in your ups and in your downs. I’d like to be a part of your life. and it’d be harsh if I don’t feel happy for you when another person comes into your life later. I should be happy to know that they can make you happy. I should be glad that I’d finally know what are we. I should feel all of those things even when i’m not the reason why you feel those things. But gosh. I’ll admit I feel rough and undescribable. Then the last I’d hope for is for you to be happy, safe, and healthy. That’s all that matters. To know you’re okay. That’s all that matters. :)

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