Years ago, I told Travis a story about an unfortunate fourth of July when I was a young teenager and, at the end, he made a single statement so arresting that I sat in stunned silence for several long moments. Later, I told him it was like Dr. Strange knocked me out of my physical body.
Since then, that's the comparison I use for those kinds of moments when reality seems strange or askew.
It's a lazy Sunday here and I'm adjusting to being back instead of with Malinda and her family. Last night, I was incredibly high with Andrea while the guys did their thing; I even hung out with Kate for a couple games of Fortnite while Andrea was talking to her crazy sister.
Bringing my secondary computer over here was an excellent idea.
After everyone left, we laid down and spent a few hours hanging out listening to music. Stayed up way too late but it was one of those soft talk any topic so high nothing seems weird nights. Well, me high. He not high or drinking to excess until after the exam.
Sleep was difficult because I think I pinched a nerve or something in my lower back. It's radiating pain up and down which made getting comfortable difficult. Even with meds, spray, patches...nothing. It's been hurting since the day after we did a huge dump run from Woods House so I think I should have listened to the guys and not lifted so much.
(The thing is, I insisted that I'm not weak anymore and I can do things now. I mean...I did things. Hurting after doesn't remove that.)
I don't think all the car time helped.
So this morning, he stayed in bed with me (because I crashed in his room) and did studying while I slept. The few times I woke up, he rubbed my back and told me to go back to sleep so I did until like 10.
Since then, I wrote a bit while we listened to music. Then I hit a stopping point and we've had Leverage on the bedroom TV. We made a big snack plate, got hydration, and dedicated ourselves to a completely lazy study/tv/writing day in bed.
Let's get back to the Dr. Strange thing.
He went to make drinks (coconut water with cherry juice plus cherry ice for me and lime water with cherry ice for him) and I was sitting half up in bed with my hair in a top knot. I was wearing the black slip I slept in plus a WAY too big navy light sweater that's super comfortable in the chill of the AC. One leg out, one knee propped. Sun coming in from the windows. It smells like clean linen and the garden candle I have on the warmer.
I stretched and smiled because I saw a message from Kate come in. As I answered it, Parker and Hardison broke into a vault with a dinosaur skull and Brian came through the door with the drinks.
I looked over to smile at him and thought, "Sundays are so lovely. I love Sundays."
Dr. Strange punch out of my body.
I love Sundays? What the fuck? I used to love Sundays when it was the special day of the week when it was just me and my ex most of the time. I looked forward to Sunday all week. We would usually just play a game and watch stuff. Not even really talk a lot -- over the past year I've questioned a lot whether he really liked being around me and talking to me or if it was just something he put up with because it was normal but that's neither here nor there -- but just be together. And that's all I really wanted was to be around him. More than anything. I used to love Sundays because they were a day with him.
I don't love Sundays now and haven't since June 2025. For the first few months, they crawled while I tried very hard to think about anything but how much I wanted to feel the way my body would chill if I just cut myself enough to lose some blood. I'd do Lego kits and sleep as much as I could. I made a schedule with lots of reflective writing so I'd have something to do.
I refused to spend time with people. To go anywhere. I just melted inside.
One Sunday was the worst. Probably the closest I've come to just giving up. It's the same day Kate made me set up Discord to always keep my Spotify active because she'd just gone home and I wasn't answering the phone. She was so scared. I just didn't look at it for hours.
I was disassociating a lot then. It was 2 and then it was 8 and she was in tears.
Eventually I stopped making myself isolate on Sunday but I still hated them.
Who am I to think that I love Sunday? Once upon a time before I met my ex, maybe I loved Sundays because they have a slow and gentle feeling to them. With him, they were perfect because to me he was perfect and it was time with him.
I took my drink and watched the show a bit more. Breathed. Thought about all of this.
I said I'd try to be happy but that doesn't extend to forgetting what Sundays used to be and just...enjoying it. That is so fucked up in my head for some reason.
I know it shouldn't be. My ex when he leaves a relationship just moves on and after a while doesn't care at all anymore. It always kind of surprised me how much he didn't care about people in the past because as I've always said, I cling to everyone I've ever loved even a little. But what I mean is, he's not spending Sundays in a miserable spiral. I'm not trying to keep up some kind of equity feeling this way.
The thing is though, I'm the one who was a liar and who hurt and mistreated him. So even though he has the admirable quality of being able to move on cleanly and I'm so far in his rearview he probably doesn't ever think of me, I don't feel like I get the same peace.
I said I'd try to be happy but I also can never forget. I can't ever risk forgetting what I am capable of because I NEVER thought I would have done anything like that. It has to be a foundation stone for the rest of my life.
Isn't even having a single moment of enjoying Sundays forgetting?
Going on dates, exploring what Brian and I might have, even laying around his house all messy in a nightgown slip and oversized sweater -- all of that is just moving forward and building something with a man who surprises me, challenges me, takes care of me, holds me accountable, makes me laugh, and believes in the best of me.
But I don't feel like I can be allowed to enjoy Sundays like that.
I feel more disgusted with myself than usual right now. That's saying something.
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