sending this during a flare-up (will explain what i mean) so i'm sorry if i can't exactly word things right, or if all of this seems like a giant, messy, thought dump of a confession from a scatter-brained individual. also i'll try to fix any typos i see
i don't know why i thought this time would be any different. i'm thinking, "maybe i can finally confront what happened in source & be okay!" haha. nope. nu-uh. you don't deserve such luxury. no matter how much you've healed, it's going to undo almost all of your progress, & you're going to be left fighting past obsessions silently once more, because there's no way in hell you're risking being institutionalized (which happened multiple times in canon, but only because i acted on those urges. for sure not going to this time around, but even then the fear is still present), even if the chance is practically non-existent.
so, context on the flare-up thing.
hi, i'm fictionkin of a mentally ill antagonist. of course, this means i naturally (& unwillingly) pick up on & form some traits. their symptoms are one of these traits, which are definitely not to the same degree as before, but i still find them very bothersome.
i'm trying to be better, i really am. even if the progress is long, tiring, & far from linear. but i have a feeling that anyone who knew about that part of me would act as if i was some danger to them, & that they needed to be cautious around me.
but i don't want to be treated like a threat. that would probably make things even worse. i just need some consideration & kindness, that's all. i simply wish to be free of these compulsive thoughts. i don't want to be sick anymore. but i don't know how to communicate that without causing others to fear me.
but who's to blame them? i've done some pretty bad things in source. yes, i take responsibility, & with that, i wish to change.
at least the rest of the series is a comfort of mine.
i hope my sourcemates are in a much better place than i am at the moment, haha.
(also feel like i need to add a disclaimer that all i've said isn't related to any kind of severe bodily harm.)
