Writers Blog(ck)

You could use my blood to extract espresso

[shameshack]

Obscure reference: Whenever I see the "u da real gringe lol" it reminds me of the ending of the movie "Cannibal Holocaust" (winner of 1980's "most cheerful title" award) in which that one guy from Debbie Does Dallas walks to the street with his pipe and looks at the sky thoughtfully and his voice over goes "I wonder who the real cannibals are..." well I feel inclined to say the dudes that eat people you have footage of. Love it when skeevie films get deep hah... I wonder who the real cringe is

dude i would never admit it but i’ve been thinking the exact same thing since i watched the cinema snob episode on that movie

i wonder who the real gringe is…

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Whichever mod this was, you get me.

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Don’t look forward

So, ask yourself something, when was the last time you saw any form of media or more like it any sort of people in general talking about the future in a positive light. It seems that at some point our hope for the future began to rot, slowly but surely, to the point where the future has gone from “flying cars” to “living in oppression or poverty if alive at all”. And anyone can whip out a laundry list of reasons to support their negativity or reasons why the future MUST suck... and even then however few give solutions if at all willing to see solutions. Think me a fool or whatever but I still believe the future will be good, perhaps not idyllic but to me there is no such thing as “absolute horror and worse” and blind hope you might call it but in any case, if you cannot have hope for the future, why fight for it? If you are going to advocate for things like environmentalism and such then you must have some hope, those who have no view of the future as anything else than horrible have given up, and you can tell, since they are often willing of no more than go with the flow... and fulfilling their own prophesy. I admire visionaries, admire people who look forward, march forward and fight forward, because it’s from that hope that great things are born, that things might improve. And unless you are currently dead, you are part of the future... so why not have some hope for it?

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Please do not enable people with depression...

Ok so yesterday as I was interneting around I cam around some tweets and stuff and such that were... troubling, to say the least. Someone said the following: “ someone told me recently that "depression" isn't a fog you're in it's an absolute, blinding clarity to the bullshit nature of life” and people were agreeing with it! and saying stuff like “never seen it like that” all I have to say is... please don’t, don’t agree with people with depression... not about this, I speak from experience, and this sort of stuff is perhaps the most harmful thing you can do to them. Look when you are deep in depression odds are you might be suicidal, and... look I don’t think I need to tell you that agreeing and enabling a suicidal person is a terrible terrible idea. I do understand where the person that said that comes from, I know that feeling, it becomes your truth, but it is false... like being a fanatic you believe all these lies, like being brainwashed this lie, this dark falsehood in your brain takes over, it becomes true, because it is all you can see. I’ve used this analogy before and it works well now “it’s like needing glasses, and assuming the world is blurry”.

Look I know myself, I can be insufferable and a terrible pain in the ass... especially when I’m on a bad bout of depression, especially because when I’m cranky I like to argue with people. And I also understand people that have not had depression probably don’t understand how it works, where these words are coming from, but you have to understand it’s a lie, a lie that comes from darkness... The point is when depressed one is sunk in this darkness, comforting people with depression can be... difficult, but at least try, don’t agree with their darker side don’t enable them, they are already in a very dark place they do not need more reasons to be there... it can only lead them deeper into it until they are truly lost... so people without depression, and even with depression, understand: it’s a lie, it’s all a lie... never believe it’s the truth, it might feel like it, but it never is. 

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On the nature of evil...

So I’m just here rambling internally and decided to share it with tumblr, oh unlucky you! And the thing I’m thinking about is evil.

To me, evil is a weird thing... In many a media evil is a clearly defined part of the world, in many stories there are factions or individuals directly associated with evil, if he wears a cape has red glowing eyes and is always followed by a thunderclap he might just be the bad guy. In tabletop games this is the most clear cut, alignments are a thing and creatures are clearly evil, demons and devils are evil because they are.

Now this works well for narratives, but oftentimes things are more complex... in real life it never works like this after all. The thin is, and this is especially true for the tabletop alignment system, nobody defines themselves as evil... everyone is the hero of their story, of their life, and you wouldn’t say “I am evil boy howdy” unless you are either insane or an idiot. The thing is people that do horrific things often do so because they thing this is what is truly right, in their own moral compass their actions are good, it is what they believe in. Hyperbolous example: A group has believes that hold that torturing random people is for the greater good of humanity, in their own views this makes humanity stronger and must be done, it is a good thing to do and would never come to their minds that it is wrong for it is the good the have known of forever. 

Now don’t get me wrong, believing some acts are right does not make them less reprehensible, the thing is it’s not to them. Like in the aspect of insanity, many killers who were insane did horrifying things because in their twisted point of view this was actually right. An insane man that hears voices that tell him to kill and feels this is what must be done has never thought what he does is evil. The same can be said of ignorance, many things are done out of ignorance rather than malice but are taken as malice, after all they did something wrong... but not always is doing something wrong rooted in evil.

But then what is evil? Well I have held for some time one thought that more than likely came from somewhere else that I can’t remember: “Evil is when you know something is wrong, and do it anyways”. When you know full well what you do is wrong but do it... you are evil. Hyperbolous example: A group has the custom of going around torturing random people, they know this is wrong and no good can possibly come for it, but do it anyways out of a perverse enjoyment. Evil is such a thing... knowing what you are about to do is wrong and still doing it, knowing what you do is irredeemable and reprehensible but still doing it for profit/enjoyment/whatever. 

Just odd things I’m thinking about.

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how u deal with your depression? I mean, I had a similar problem some years ago and I know depression can be such a bitch, I was about to kill myself

I usually just truly stop and think about stuff from a non emotional perspective... odd stuff really, the smell of coffee, the feel of paper on your fingers, a good slice of pie... good music, good movies good games stuff like that... just kinda remember the stuff I actually enjoy and think that yes there is good stuff around. Just remember that it’s you, it’s inside you, and since it’s all inside you, it’s a part of people like us sadly but a part of you cannot defeat the whole.

[elhuervo]

RONIN 3 - JikanNoHashi watercolor on paper. 31 x 40cm.

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Looks... familiar 

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The Witcher 3: Stop being polish it offends me

The Witcher 3 came out to what is the new trend of gaming: being put under the microscope and called racist/sexist. While I cannot attest at the sexist part having only played it for a bit I can say that the racist thing is profoundly stupid, and kind of ironically intolerant.

History time! Poland has been divvied up and conquered several times, the polish people exploited and forced underneath the reign of other European powers, because of this it never colonized or explored nations outside of Europe and therefore never had any sort of influx on non European people. This didn’t change much in modern times, after all the happenings of the two world wars (in which Poland had a terrible time... look it up, or don’t, it’s terrible) Poland ended up as a communist nation, and so even in a time of immigration the influx of non European people that moved to Europe looking for a better life steered very clear of the eastern bloc, Poland included. With this in mind Poland’s population nowadays consists of 97% people of polish descent, the other 3% consists of other eastern European ethnics.  What I’m trying to say is even today you will not find non white folk in Poland, that’s how the nation is.

The Witcher is based on a polish fantasy book series, made by a polish studio in Poland, all this in mind how much did you actually expect for this game to have black people in it? The game is Polish from top to bottom, but in that polishnes it offends Americans... This really brings my piss to a boil, because it’s exactly the sort of stuff that the people complaining about it would bitch about were it not white folk: you are taking a culture and history not your own, comparing it though your culture’s lens and finding it unacceptable. The same people would call this cultural appropriation were the polish slightly maroon. 

And look it’s true, there is a problem with the portrayal of race in american media... but this is not american media!!! The game is fucking POLISH!!!! This is something Americans aren’t good at understanding, other nations are different... that’s it, in america that a piece of media not including ethnic people is super weird because america is 23% non-white (including whites of all descents this is) about 1 in 5 people in america isn’t white, not so in Poland.

And I can see you right now, thinking “oh but The Witcher is a product sold across all corners of the world, it should include ethnic people seeing as it sells even in other nations” lets stop... and think, are you saying a nation should adjust a product of its own culture to appeal to outsiders? Think on that, for a second, cmon do so... does it still sound like a good idea? A culture changing to appease the outside? So that that outside can better see that as theirs and not of the people it came from?.... fuck you.

So take a minute and think, think about the outrage you type so self-superiorly, do some research, and have some fucking coherence.

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Crushed...

Goddammit... it is just impossible to attempt to communicate how depression makes me feel sometimes. It legitimately feels like you are dead inside, that probably doesn’t make sense... but it does, it’s like you are empty, but somehow still around.

I sometimes can’t remember what being happy is like... I know I have been happy, I think... It’s hard to tell, it all seems the same really, I guess I was once happy... I know I like things and they bring me joy... but do they? I can’t really remember right now... or I can, but I can’t remember how it feels like... 

I just feel propped up... I move from inertia... just going along... carried by the current... no true will of my own. I can’t feel anything and I just drudge along, I guess that makes me a robot doesn’t it ? heh.

Days, weeks, months... blend along, just some odd mass of time... was it yesterday or today? can’t tell really... I keep telling me to keep my eyes forward and look forward to stuff, to a better tomorrow, never comes though, maybe tomorrow... maybe further still, will it ever come? dunno, guess I can only wait and see huh?

And... I just want it all to stop, just stop please just stop... silence, for once some silence, some peace... I just want to be calm, I want serenity.... stillness... please, I just want it all to stop, to end, so that I can be calm, nothing to force myself to do nothing to come along nothing... just nothing... I wanted to be happy but I never can, never happy, sometimes think I am but am I? is it a lie? I can’t tell...

Why bother... I’m just a morose idiot... I’m not good enough at anything, never been and never will... why do I still go along then? fuck... I just don’t know any better, no other way... just go along, all the time... just pull yourself around, make it though life not living.

And yet I’m always terrified of death... the idea of not existing is... troubling... no... never again.... I swore it, but why? Am I really alive? like this? why bother not dying then? well... don’t know, cowardice? more than likely... still, made a promise.... not going to break it. Can’t give up I guess, that’s me, always too stupid to quit...

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your little fit about rape was cute but you don't really seem to understand the "outrage." it's not just because rape was used. it's because it was used unnecessarily... it trivializes the experience.

How so? how does it trivialize the experience? it would be trivialized if it was just an of the moment thing with no consequences, as of now we do not know if the event will have consequences or how it will be managed, we don’t know yet. Essentially what you are saying is that by it’s presence itself it’s cheapened, which is ridiculous. The rant is not about rape, is about the idea that it should never be used in fiction.

And again.. nothing in fiction is necessary, the thing is does it make sense? with the characters and the story and the events set in motion, does it make sense?

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you're a really terrible writer :/

Very much so.

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you're exactly right, we KNEW that ramsay was a monster and that's why it didnt need to be reinforced with a rape scene, especially when it's shown as being likely to be used as character development for theon. even if it's meant to be used as character development for sansa, there are other ways to move a story forward than by brutalizing women.

This is not reinforcement, not a tool to move the story forward or build character. You marry Sansa to Ramsay, what happened is what makes sense would have happened out of that union, disgusting? by the gods yes... in this scene Theon could have snapped and killed Ramsay and everyone would have cheered, but would it have made sense? would it have made sense that Sansa had done so? the scene was mighty uncomfortable, but it made sense... again, don’t look at it as a trope or an isolated event, look back at everything and ask “what else could have happened here?” 

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people aren't upset about the rape scene in the latest got episode JUST because the writers included a rape scene. there have been tons of rape scenes in past got episodes. but this scene, like many other rape scenes in the series, is sparking outrage because it is not necessary. it's an overused plot device that the writers are using as a cheap and rather disgusting way to add a little more angst in sansa's story and a little more ~darkness~ in their ~dark, ~~realistic~~~ show.

Nothing is necessary in a story, not even characters, nothing at all, but this things happen in cohesive universe. Ask yourself: could you see this coming? what other result did you expect? GoT has established this world and it’s characters, does this make sense in its context? and also, the writers have removed a lot of rape scenes from the books, most of the ones that are purely shock in the books I might add, this time they simple shuffled the characters around (Sansa replaces a character that I think no longer exists in the series).

And also I don’t care about realistic or whatever... does it make sens in the show? when she was announced to be married with Boolton who has been shown to be a complete fucking monster, did you not see this coming? what makes a plot device cheap is if it doesn't add up, add the pieces, would it had not been far more cheap and out of place if he did nothing to her?

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The Forbidden Topic: Rape

You know what brings my piss to a boil? then people raise their arms in righteous anger whenever a sensitive topic is brought on in fiction. Today's example: the new Game of Thrones episode had a very disturbing scene in the end where Sansa is raped, we don’t actually see it but it happens and we get to see Theon being forced to watch, which is ten kinds of fucked up. 

But I’m not here to bitch at GoT, I am mad at GoT but because they refuse to put Euron Grayjoy on the show, who is arguably the only one who could oppose Deanerys (read the books). But it’s because a slew of addicts to outrage have risen their fists and pounded their keyboards in righteous and pure rage about the mere fact that a character was raped... which, quite honestly, fuck you all for doing so.

Look I know that rape is an abhorrent act and it’s a very very delicate topic, but no topic at all should be banned from the writers repertoire, not even rape. While I understand the outrage when rape is used as a side story or brushed under the rug or simply not given the weight it deserves (in comics all of which happen quite literally all the fucking time) but to simply immerse yourself in outrage whenever rape is used in fiction is beyond ridiculous. Every single topic, no matter how despicable, no matter how real, no matter how controversial should be available to write about to be part of a story, of course such topics require tact, and must be handled with delicacy, but they can be handled and should not be banned wholesale.

Look, I understand the trauma associated with sexual assault and rape, I do... I can understand how depictions of it in fiction can touch a nerve to those who have experienced it or have been close to those who have, but this is true to tragedies many have suffered.

There are examples of every single atrocity capable by mankind sprinkled across works of fiction everywhere... hell try to count how many holocaust moves there are, you fucking can’t, there’s fucking millions of em and we love them. There are horrible things in this world, and the world of fiction cannot be except from them.

And I can see all the replys I will not get from the people who will not read this, the point is that the rape scene was the last of the episode, and we might see how it’s handled by the characters in the following episodes, right now we do not know how it will be... and that’s what pisses me off so much, the haven’t blundered the topic yet, they just introduced it into the story, just now... and the outrage has been sparked... by it’s presence and only that, because no repercussions of it have happened yet, you have cast a judgement not at the mishandle of the topic but at its mere use, this.... should not be. And it’s not like GoT has never used rape before, remember when Dany was raped by Drogo? that shit happened, did you quit the show then? if you did hell good for sticking with you convictions, if you didn't quit then or didn't denounce it then... or worse if you start explaining how last time it fit the narrative and bla bla! fuck off, truly and honestly, because a zero tolerance on rape in fiction only works if it is well, zero tolerance, and if you have tolerance to it before by the way it was handled, why did you not wait to see how it was handled this time? 

That’s it, star hating internet, I talked about rape and I bet you know I’m not qualified because somehow you know and know the events in my life.

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The Crying Mic

One of the experiences in life that never cease to baffle me and put me in the most awkward spot in the world is one which a select few are privy to: the crying mic.

Now reader, you ask (as in the only person who reads this) “Pray tell my dear blogger, what is this ‘crying mic’?” a good question, the crying mic is the name I have given to a specific phenomena that only happens at conventions, where people step forth to the Q&A mic and decide this is the best moment to have a personal breakdown.... every person that has attended a convention panel will tell you it is for some reason preposterously common. 

I am not joking, I work a big room at a con in San Diego (you know the one) and every year at least one person goes up to the mic and talks about his daddy issues in front of close to 7000 people... and suddenly there is not a single comfortable seat in the room.

At first I thought it was an odd isolated event, boy was I mistaken... from small panels to big panels, from the stars of summer blockbusters to the guy that draws that webcomic, if they do panels at conventions very soon they shall experience the crying mic... and never have I seen anyone who isn't confused, I mean put yourself on the seat of the panelist, you came here to sell a movie/comic/show/something and this dude is spending 5 minutes loudly sobbing and telling you he broke up with his girlfriend... what the hell do you do? that is even a bit of an awkward position if the person in question is a close friend talking about this in the privacy of your living room, now replace ‘close friend’ with ‘random dude dressed as the X-Men’s Banshee’ and ‘privacy of your living room’ with ‘capped out room with a 4 digit seating capacity’. The people that take these questions in my room at least have something for them: they are actors, and they prove they deserve every penny by juggling these situations with some grace, seriously, it takes some talent in handling impossible situations to pull this off.

But now let’s change perspectives to me: the schlub that works the room. See it’s my job to ask dude cosplaying as a C-list mutant what he’s about to do when he takes the mic and is projected in image and voice to thousands of people... And well usually they just have a sane and normal if sometimes very uninteresting question, now... what in Xavier’s useless dick am I supposed to do when instead of asking the question he steps up to the mic and goes: “*pant* *sob* *wheeeze* my girlfriend just left meeee!!! *sob* *sob* *wheeeeeze*” now general protocol when someone asks something insane or for some request or sexual favor or thinks they are a comedian we cut them off and send them to the furnace... but... what the hell do you do with these guys? you can’t cut off the mic of the guy weeping loudly about his life’s issues without looking like the world’s most insensitive asshole, but take into consideration that 30 seconds of loud hallwide weeping is 15 hours in “it’s your job this runs smoothly” time. Let me put it this way: when the crying mic goes live it’s like the entire room just herd someone horrifyingly shit their pants, they go quiet and uncomfortable... and you are the guy that just happens to be holding a pooper scooper, this isn't what you came here prepared to do, but it seems you should do something about it.

In the end I just have no explanation to what combination of misfires in a persons brain leads to telling a crowded room what makes you sad. I guess if TMZ has taught us anything is that if you are going to have a crying breakdown better to have a few thousands people see it. But yeah, just ask yourself what you would do when faced with this in a gargantuan room:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz4wxyFIAhE&feature=youtu.be&t=2849

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The Light

Ah Jesus, what concoction of hell have I strolled into? The light bulb on the room I usually wallow on as I write or code purposelessly has been changed... from a soothing and unnatural white light to a bright and filtered yellow, akin to that brought from more expensive incandescent lights or our dear old sun on the early mornings. My brain recoils in confusion... could it possibly be morning? Since when has that wall yellow? What accursed place have I wondered into! Stop the horses! Kill the engines! The world is changing too fast, toooo fast!!! Brake time... ease into it... I miss unnaturalness... yellow is not my color, fuck bananas they aren't your friends. What I'd give right now to the hypnotic and ominous buzz of an old and barely functional fluorescent light... ah good times, low budget, the wonder years of life.

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Reject

There I found myself again buried deep in a so called leather couch long ago worn to the point of being fabric with scabs of skin that claims to once have been alive. Surrounded by the people that one would at best call the scum of the earth. Filth covered, fouls smelling youths who assuredly claim to truly have the solution to all of the nations problems, who know about every personal and professional dealing of just about every politician to hold office, from how much dirty money the take to their condom flavor of preference. And yet I find myself among these reprobates once more. But why? why really? well mostly because the bottom of the barrel has nothing further to hide, you can always trust a man who cries when hopped up on opiates. Once you reach the point in which you openly beg for cash to sustain one horrid vice or another if you have any sort of skeleton worth burying you have since lost any shame that would compel you to do so. And yet I can’t help but find the constant stench so mixed and rancid to the point of being unrecognisable to any who has never questioned his lifes motives. But then again neat suits and the scent of freshly picked apples also means there's something to hide. If only honest people didn’t smell like the dumpster of a korean restaurant.

  But then again they are also delusional, none I find is more sure that they are correct then a man who shares a single bedroom apartment with at least four people.Why is it that he alone knows what “the man” is cooking up? This is the moment in which I wonder if the truths held by these enlightened window boarding pill fiends are actually worth their honesty. And yet here I am again.

End of the day I guess I’m too twitchy and blunt for the necktie and red wine crowds and a bit too sure that I’m an ignorant misanthrope for the meth heads.

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Civilized Death Threats

I often disagree with people, shocking I know, what might be actually shocking is that unlike a lot of people I like disagreeing with others, truly I do! disagreeing on whatever is what opens the doors of discussion, why talk with someone who is bound to only tell you what you already know. Instead I like open discussion, talking to another person about your different points of view, it gives you a pee into someone else perspective, through life we live confined to one perspective, one skin, one mind, to me having a peek of someone else persona is truly an experience to be had and enjoyed, to mull over and learn from.

However it's not how the world works, and the internet being the worst and best of the world definitely doesn't work like this... to be precise I am talking about Anita Sarkeesian who decided to make a show to expose her views on women's portrayal on video games on youtube, she was met with death threats, rape threats, insults, and all around horrible things by horrible people... now, I am truly horrified and dumbfounded by this reaction... but I'd like to rise one question: do this people truly believe they are doing the right thing? do they truly believe the best argument against what she says is to threaten her like so? it is confusing to me that that is the way they think...

If anything their general dickishness has unintended effects, it enforces what she talks about in her videos, and mostly makes me not disagree with her. 

The thing is I've seen her videos, and quite often disagree with what she says, however how could I publicly state my disagreement with her if it means I have to stand next to Rapey McMurderson.... this is a topic that deserves to be in a spotlight, and to be discussed on both sides, but however much I'd love to debate with her I'd rather stand next to the reasonable woman I disagree with than those psychos.