I fidget therefore I am

A blog documenting my exploration of and treatment for ADHD.

[fidgetninja]

Med Log: Atomoxetine and Equasym

Medication: Atomoxetine 40mg, Equasym (aka Metadata CD, methylphenidate) 10mg

'Combination therapy', aka taking a non-stimulant and a stimulant together to treat ADHD, has been around for a while in the US. However it's relatively unheard of in the UK. I was therefore suprised when my current ADHD nurse suggested it, and I was curious to give it a go.

So far, it's given me hope. I'm still unhappy with atomoxetine's side effects (covered in my last post), but I'm feeling beneficial effects from equasym; it's easier to start and complete tasks without getting distracted, my thoughts are clearer, I forget things less, and I'm only experiencing an occasional short-lived buzzy headache and short sleepy spells.

My hope is to reduce atomoxetine and raise equasym, and I'm hoping to either take both long-term or phase out atomoxetine completely. I think stimulants may work better for me nowadays vs 2017 due to my shift in how I see myself and my neurodivergence, but I'll save that for another post!

[fidgetninja]

Med Log: Atomoxetine 6 months in

Medication: Atomoxetine, 40mg

Long-time-no-talk! Last time I posted I was back on atomoxetine. I've found it beneficial in some ways but it's become difficult in others (the same ways that led me to come off it two years ago).

Atomoxetine by itself seems to dampen and blunt my emotions over time. It didn't matter to me when first on them because I was so desperate to get my life back in order. I'm grateful I went on it this year, I'm doing a lot better, but I'm experiencing the following:

nausea - it's nearly constant no matter what I eat (heartburn specifically I've managed to mitigate with yoghurt / big meals before taking my dose)

emotional blunting - my partner and some close friends have commented I've lost my exuberance; I'm less enthusiastic about things, I'm less interested in people, and the weirdest thing I've noticed... I don't feel anything any more when listening to music; it just feels like noise and is mildly irritating

non-existent sex drive - I have zero interest any more, including I can't 'feel' my attraction to people any more. Some would welcome this or not mind this, but this really bothers me

This is so frustrating to me; atomoxetine does help me with being more organised, calmer, less stressed... but it feels like at the cost of blunting the good about me as well as the bad. It almost feels like turning the volume down on all of me, not just the parts of my ADHD that cause me issues.

Two years ago I hated this so came off it entirely, and then was discharged due to not being on medication (hence the fight to get back on meds). This time though, I'm trying stimulants again, which I will cover in my next post.

[fidgetninja]

Med Log - Atomoxetine observations

I'm not experiencing any heartburn or indigestion unlike last time! I've found eating greek yoghurt for breakfast before meds completely eliminates it (probs cos it's alkaline, protein-rich, and filling). Makes me hopeful that with some lifestyle changes I can eliminate other side effects that were long-term when I was last on atomoxetine.

[youngadulthacks]

It’s important to not spend time feeling guilty about falling behind

[peachdoxie]

There's a bunch of adhd advice out there that's like "people with adhd tend to work better under deadlines due to the anxiety so here are ways to artificially induce a stress response in order to get you to get work done" and it's like well what if I don't want to be stressed out all the time in order to function

[electrictopaper]

this gold shouldn't stay in the comments

[fidgetninja]

Hello! It's been about 5 and a half years since I last posted here! I'm honestly surprised I still have followers.

Obviously a lot has happened in those 5.5 years. I remembered about this blog recently because I've recently restarted meds (atomoxetine aka Strattera) after being off it for over 2 and a half years.

Ngl, it's been a real struggle. I can go into the details in another post, but essentially I trialled going off meds 2.5 years ago and was never informed by the specialist that if I ever wanted to go back on them, I'd have to go through the whole referral process again, including being on the waiting list.

In 2015/16 when I was first referred and then diagnosed, that was 9 months. In 2022, it was anywhere from 2-5 years! And even then, that's an estimate based off crowdsourcing, as no clinic gives an estimated wait time any more.

So I put myself on the waitlist again, at the time thinking I could manage for a few years. Turns out, I couldn't. My life has fallen apart in a lot of ways and I've had a very difficult time. I've gone through life events that anyone would find a challenge, but having an untreated condition like ADHD has exacerbated it immensely. Furthermore, I moved house 1.5 years into the waitlist, meaning I was discharged and told I had to start again in my local area. The new clinic refused to honour my wait time.

Which leads me to the last month. I made the difficult decision to go private, gathering up savings and meticulously planning finances. I'm glad I made that decision. It was a 2.5 week wait for an appointment, and then I got meds to my door 2 days later. I'm now 8 days into atomoxetine.

I'm sure a lot of you have heard about how the NHS/healthcare in the UK is going through a crisis (or you may have experienced it yourself). It has badly hit long-term care of chronic conditions, as well as healthcare that was already underrepresented and/or stigmatised.

I've been very angry at my country for a long time, and I've felt increasing despair. However the last couple of weeks I've began to feel some hope. It's gonna be tough as I try to put my life back together, but I finally have the fuel I need to make the hard work I put in reap rewards.

I don't exactly know what I'll post here, but I like the idea of posting about my experiences semi-regularly again. It seemed to help people, and hell, it helped me to go back and read my old med logs to remember what exactly to expect going back on atomoxetine.

I hope you're all doing well. The world is a scarier place than it was 5.5 years ago, but I hope you're all still managing to fight and find joy in it, even small things.

Take care everyone!

[fidgetninja]

Anyone have any ADHD-friendly tips for coping with stress and/or anxiety?

I’ve been really struggling lately. I’m sure you wonderful people have developed some nifty coping mechanisms over the years. Let’s start a thread listing them, build up a sweet resource!!

[fidgetninja]

tinylinus replied to your post: august-phoenix replied to your post “Med Log:...

!!! You can slide the parts off each other and git that powder out! I think we have different meds but those pill capsules are made the same. one half is like, slid inside the other. As soon as i got over the concept of wasting a little i’ve felt much better hahah

But how would you store the rest of the powder once you’ve taken half of it? And how would you accurately halve the amount of powder?

Also I dunno about your meds but I’ve accidentally bitten into a capsule once and ohhh boyyy it sure does taste AWFUL. *shudder*

[fidgetninja]

august-phoenix replied to your post “Med Log: Strattera II Day 298”

This is probably a really dumb suggestion that wouldn't work but would breaking the tablet in half and having half and half like you did before work?

Unfortunately they’re hollow capsules filled with a powdered medication, not a solid tablet, otherwise I would.

Thankfully taking the med after lunch works well, only a mild inconvenience that I have to take my meds and water out with me if I’m out during the weekend/holidays.

[fidgetninja]

Med Log: Strattera II Day 298

Medication: Strattera (Atomoxetine), 40mg

It’s been a looooong while since I’ve made a med update!

Not much changed on the med front until about a month and a half ago when I went from taking two 18mg pills a day (spaced about 5 hours apart) to one 40mg pill. 

I had to change because there’s a long-term issue with obtaining supplies of certain dosages of strattera in the UK. For months I would go to the pharmacy and only be able to get a week’s worth of pills and have to come back later that week once the pharmacy ordered more. This continued until one month I went in and was told there were none. The pharmacist apparently rang pharmacies up and down the country - nada

Thankfully the pharmacist informed me that 40mg pills are in fine supply. I have no idea why some dosages are scarce and others aren’t. Either way I feel lucky that my dose didn’t have to go up too dramatically.

Side effects:

I’m surprised just how intense some side effects were on 40mg; my overall dosage had barely changed, but taking a bigger dose in one go brought back old gastrointestinal side effects, mainly nausea, heartburn, and reduced appetite. 

A few times I actually threw up. However bare in mind that the past few months I’ve had another medical issue which is causing nausea, so I think that compounded with the nausea from strattera to cause very extreme sickness and actual vomiting. 

The nausea has calmed down now I’ve switched to taking my pill after lunch everyday (i.e. after a bigger meal).

Other than that, things are pretty much the same as they were in my last med update (except now I’ve become very used to the benefits, I sometimes have to remind myself how far I’ve come).

[marigoldwitch]

Growing up my parents taught me that if you’re too sick to [insert responsibility here] then you’re too sick to [insert something that makes you happy here].

It took me a really long time to unlearn this. When I would get sick or have a “bad day” I would deprive myself of anything that made me happy. Watching movies, eating something I enjoyed, going for a walk, playing video games or just browsing online looking at funny cat videos. I wouldn’t let myself do these things because I was always told that if I’m too sick to go to work, or do homework, or go to school then I must be too sick to play Mortal Kombat or watch Unsolved Mysteries lol.

Whenever I wouldn’t feel good, which I later learned as an adult was due to sleep deprivation caused by my ADHD and depression (and of course the depression itself would cause me to feel like shit), my parents would tell me “if you’re not throwing up, then you’re not sick.” And when I would stay home from school (or even work in my later teen years) my parents would make sure that I didn’t have any “fun.” No TV, no movies, no games, no going outside, no arts and crafts, no books, no nothing. Just lay in bed and feel miserable.

I’m happy to say that I no longer do this to myself. Now when I’m having a bad day or I’m sick (cold, flu or whatever) I allow myself to do the things (within reason lol) that I actually love doing. If I’m not too sick to step outside for a few minutes then I’ll go for a walk. I’ll watch my favorite movies and if it’s a bad day or a cold (something that doesn’t hinder my appetite too much) I’ll eat my favorite foods. I don’t guilt trip myself anymore for having a “sick day.”

Just because you’re sick (whether physically, emotionally or mentally) doesn’t mean that you can’t do things you enjoy. You’re not any less sick because you watch TV. You’re not any less sick because you’re playing video games. 

Actually you SHOULD be doing these things when you’re not feeling good because they make you feel better. The better you feel, the faster your heal. 

[monstrosibee]

Me: my job is kinda boring but it isn’t the worst

Me also: being bored is literally worse than dying

[bigfootismyonlyfriend]

hot take but girls with ADHD don’t ‘present differently’, it’s just that misogyny punishes girls and people read as girls a lot more severely for their ADHD symptoms so most girls become way more proficient at masking their symptoms so end up being left undiagnosed and then just develop depression, anxiety, trauma and burnout over not being able to meet standards that are difficult if not impossible for people with ADHD and being harshly reprimanded for it

[adhighdefinition]

From CBC’s documentary “ADHD: Not Just For Kids”

[fruithalo]

women be

having undiagnosed adhd 

[thisaspamlmfaoo-deactivated2018]

Yes but it’s cute

[adhighdefinition]

cute?!

(x)

(x)

(x)

(x)

(x)

I don’t think ‘cute’ is the right term to use here…

[thatadhdfeel]

Not Yelling At Children is Better Than Yelling At Children, More At 11

[1dietcokeinacan]

One last hot take and then I’ll shut up: the reason adhd is framed first and foremost as a learning disability when it is in fact more apt to call it an emotional processing disorder is bc our society is only concerned w the ways neurological disorders impede a person’s ability to “function” aka get a job and contribute positively to capitalist society. How adhd affects interpersonal behaviors and emotional health is only relevant insofar as it relates to a person’s level of societal functioning PERIOD. There is no interest in improving our actual livelihoods

[1dietcokeinacan]

This is why girls are often not diagnosed w adhd until they are much older, bc they are forced to develop certain social awareness and self-surveillance capacities at an extremely young age and thus don’t perform “poorly” in the areas usually looked at to signify the disorder. But that doesn’t mean girls don’t take that distress out thru other avenues, just that the many alternative iterations of the disorder are ignored by professionals bc they don’t matter as far as society is concerned, as long as a girl is performing “well enough”