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Love each other's soul according to God's definition of love, and you'll begin to see just how strong, steadfast, unwavering, unfading, and immovable God's version of love really is. May we be people who love this way... in marriage, in family, and in our communities. Stay fierce, Ryan #fiercemarriage #fiercefamilies https://www.instagram.com/p/CMfU-ZahMpu/?igshid=tts1t8e50amg

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Love is an action and a choice, and marriage is the promise to choose love whenever that choice must be made. Falling in love doesn't happen to us (feelings of *affection* might), but loving someone is a choice that outlasts emotion and feeling. It's stronger. Deeper. Better. Feelings come and go, but biblical love never waivers. It doesn't change even when we do. That's what fierce love is, and that's what it takes to build a lasting marriage. You might be asking, "What if my spouse rejects me or sins against me? What if he/she changes? What if I no longer have affectionate feelings toward him/her?" Choose to love. It's not always easy, but those are the most potent opportunities for love to be lived out in your life. Christ showed us love when all seemed lost (Romans 5:8). He forgives limitlessly and his affection never waivers, even though we actively sin against him. That's who Jesus is, and that's what love is. He is our example of pure love and we are called to let our marriages emulate Christ's relationship with and promise to his Bride, the Church. How can you choose to love your spouse today? Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena P.S. Our new online course ecosystem is up and running! Couples are already going through the material. Check out GospelCenteredMarriage.com to see what it's all about. We think you'll love it... Link in bio! Note: There are cases where you can choose to love your spouse but are still not able to reconcile the relationship. Marriage takes two. If you're in an abusive situation, find safety. Get out of the home and call the police. It's the most loving thing you can do. Also, make sure to find godly pastoral counsel if you're in a seemingly irreconcilable relationship. You may be surprised how the body of Christ rallies around you in your time of need. https://www.instagram.com/p/CKPNzEnBp1G/?igshid=154buz6ofwd87

Transparency isn't about being suspicious, it's about building trust. It's not about limiting privacy, it's about building unity. We usually get a good bit of pushback whenever we urge couples to live with complete transparency in their marriages. The objections center around protecting "personal privacy", or couples say "my spouse should trust me without having to see my phone, etc". We genuinely and *strongly* disagree. Why? Because both objections assume that you're immune to temptation, sin, and making mistakes. Here's a personal example: Selena and I have something we call the "phone drop test". The concept is simple. At any moment, Selena could ask me to drop my phone on the table and give her unbridled access to everything on it. Texts, social media accounts, emails, browser history. Everything. I'm comfortable with this now, but there was a time early in our marriage when I wouldn't have been. It would have made me nervous. Is my privacy violated in the above example? I think that's the wrong question to ask. The better question is, "do I have anything to hide, and if so, why?" Everything else is fair game because SHE'S MY WIFE. The thing is, she rarely asks me to see my phone (I can't remember the last time), but she can anytime and I'd be fine with it. Why? Because we've spent years building trust through truth and transparency. And, if she does find something questionable, what better person to call me out in my sin than my wife—who I know loves me and wants my very best? Time to get real; bear with me. Men and women who object to full transparency always (yes, always) have something they're hiding from their spouse. It's just true. Friends, pursue truth, trust, and transparency in your marriage! It's what it takes to live as the ONE flesh you are (Mark 10:8). It's not easy at first, but the fruit of your labor is well worth it and your marriage will be stronger for it. Stay fierce, Ryan https://www.instagram.com/p/CKCe0D8Bq9F/?igshid=1xb79i3henhzf

Husbands, leading your families in a loving, Christ-like way is a massive privilege and a huge responsibility. Unfortunately, leadership can be hindered by a wrong understanding (by either the husband or the wife) of what that means within marriage. If a husband leads and loves like Christ, the wife will feel more honored, cherished, and blessed than ever before. The key is "like Christ"... so, how can a husband lead most lovingly? 1) Lead sacrificially and selflessly. Men, what is the call to "love like Christ" if not a call to take up our cross and die to ourselves? Death to self is the clearest expression of love shown in Scripture (Jn 15:13, Rom 5:7–8).Dying to ourselves means putting our family's interests before our own. Many men would die a physical death to protect their family, but will you die to your *own selfishness* daily to lead them? 2) Lead with vision. Vision is simply knowing where you are and where you're headed. As followers of Christ, what is your ultimate destination? Husbands, gain a vision for where you're headed as a family by understanding God's word and the specific call of the gospel on your lives. 3) Lead humbly. Christ took the form of a servant (Phil 4:6-7). How can you serve your bride and family best? How can you lead them closer to Jesus by how you serve them? 4) Lead with follow-through. Many husbands (like me) tend to fizzle out. Why is that? For me, it's usually because I'm relying on my own strength and not God's. Doing "right things" only comes from a life, heart, and mind transformed by the good news of Jesus. It is only when we're fully captured by the gospel that we can consistently bear its good fruit. This topic is vast and there's much more that could be covered. Husbands, I hope you will lead as you are led by Jesus. When you do, your wife and kids will feel more loved than ever! Stay fierce, Ryan PS: Selena and I have started sharing more family and faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Find us and let’s be friends! https://www.instagram.com/p/CGsbyyoBV0U/?igshid=1ray0pi2lqcnp

There is no treasure quite like a marriage which stands the test of time. Our loudest prayer is that God would raise up this generation to understand the price of lifelong love and eagerly choose to pay it. Imagine... what would your family, church, and society look like if three generations from now they can look back at a history of healthy, lasting (though imperfect) marriages? How will your marriage help shape the marriages of your children and your children's children? How you choose to love each other in your marriage will have a MUCH greater impact in the generations to come than what you earn, accomplish, say, or do. We remain incredibly thankful for the more mature, wiser, and older couples who have gone before us and modeled biblical love along the way. There truly is no treasure quite like a marriage which stands the test of time. • For other couples, they're an encouragement and a bastion of hope. • For their families, they're a steady reminder of strength and grace. • For the Church, they pass along a legacy of faithfulness, endurance, and love. • For society, they are a foundation for flourishing future generations. As you look at your own marriage, remember that lifelong love is always a lifelong choice. Talk to any couple who has persevered and you'll hear stories of heartache, anger, frustration, and difficulty... BUT, you'll also hear stories of forgiveness, reconciliation, healing, grace, joy, and delight! Marriage is an incredible gift and an immense responsibility. May we steward this gift well and may God bless our daily decisions to love one another His way instead of our own. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena #fiercemarriage https://www.instagram.com/p/CDO_DJIhXYo/?igshid=5ij4chlj754w

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Love is a choice and an action more than anything else. As Lewis writes, love is a habit to be strengthened "deliberately" and "maintained by the will". What a profound, freeing view of love! To know that love isn't something one falls into and out of. To know that love isn't something that comes and goes mysteriously. And to know that love is not a fickle thing, prone to leaving as soon as emotions dry up. Friends, there's a reason God defined marriage as a covenant bound by love. His version of love—the biblical version—is by nature covenantal. Love is both how and why God himself has a covenantal character. That's the sort of love we're called to live out in biblical marriage. Let's contrast. Marriage isn't a covenant bound by circumstances. Marriage isn't a covenant bound by emotion. Marriage isn't a covenant bound by financial security. Marriage isn't even a covenant bound by mutual benefit. If marriage were any of the above, every marriage would end shortly after starting. Instead, God gave us a better way: marriage as a covenant bound by *love*—true, objective, concrete, unchanging, unwavering, unshakeable biblical love. Friend, rest in your covenant knowing that it's there to give you the venue to learn what it means to love and be loved exactly the way God loves. That's what a Fierce Marriage looks like. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena #seethroughbook #fiercemarriage https://www.instagram.com/p/CB3flaphzQE/?igshid=ykkzpd3n32ei

#seethroughbook #fiercemarriage

Men, your bride is a treasure to be cherished and your family is a blessing not to be taken for granted. It's vital to love them gently, where they're at, and how they'll feel it most. Specifically, when it comes to being a husband, we men can sometimes respond harshly, even when our intentions are good. We want to solve problems, fix situations, and get to an answer as quickly as possible. Those desires aren't bad, but sometimes we forget that there may be an underlying issue that needs our gentle, loving attention. What good is solving a problem if it creates more along the way? We must care for our wives' hearts with the utmost tenderness. Sometimes we must open our eyes to that which isn't obviously visible on the surface. How? Try this. Listen intently, seek full understanding, speak compassionately, and help empathetically. And when all else fails, be patient. If you're not seeing progress, trust that it will come with time. Love your wife gently, it's one of the manliest things you can possibly do. Stay fierce, Ryan FIERCE WIFE: If you're reading this, tag your husband and let him know you're praying for him today. If you're looking for encouragement, search for the "Fierce Wives" Facebook group and ask to join. HUSBANDS: If you're looking for ways to love your wife intentionally, check out the 31-Day Pursuit Challenge (https://31daypursuit.com, LINK IN BIO). It's a 31-day challenge that will help you love her heroically and intentionally. #fiercehusband #31daypursuit #fiercemarriagebook #fiercemarriage https://www.instagram.com/p/CBTfP_PhSUP/?igshid=15efd0pk47rjz

#fiercehusband #31daypursuit #fiercemarriagebook #fiercemarriage

Your perspective on what makes for a *good* marriage will impact your real-life marriage in profound ways. If you believe you can "find" the ideal marriage, you will grow hopeless if/when you realize that yours isn't perfect. Instead of looking for ways forward, you'll look for ways out. Most will acknowledge that marriage takes work. However, when it's time to do the work we can be so quick to give up... because real work is hard. It's when things get difficult that your true beliefs show. Here's the thing: every marriage gets challenging at some point. Every. Single. One. The contrary perspective is this: you can't find a good marriage, you make one. You enter your union with clear eyes, knowing that your spouse can't be perfect... that you won't be perfect yourself. This starting point acknowledges that you need plentiful grace, forgiveness, and... work, to create a healthy, Christ-centered marriage. This is why we will relentlessly point couples to Christ. How can you forgive when it's hardest if you've never experienced radical grace yourself? How can you love when your spouse is unlovable if you've never encountered God in His awesome holiness (perfect, set-apart)... and received His love despite your imperfection? How can you stand strong in your identity if your identity relies on anything that can fail? Only Jesus can give you an unshakeable identity through his love, forgiveness, and grace. That's why we will keep pointing couples to Christ. May you and your spouse make your marriage incredible by standing firm on Christ through every season. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena P.S.🚨🚨🚨If you're not aware, our latest book, See-Through Marriage releases in ONE WEEK! Make sure to pre-order to get the bonus items. Details at https://SeeThroughBook.com . #seethroughmarriage https://www.instagram.com/p/B_is0f8j-mw/?igshid=1j0jghax040tf

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Intimacy (physical or emotional) can be described as *knowing* and *being known*. True love is impossible without intimacy, and true intimacy is impossible without love. They're inextricably connected. Love requires intimacy because it is the deepest level of knowing another person. One cannot love fully what he doesn't fully know. The fullest levels of love require total honesty and transparency. Intimacy requires love because only love still chooses someone despite their imperfections. Intimacy on every level (physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual) will make your imperfections visible—it will make them known. And only love provides the safety necessary for total intimacy. Aside from Christ, this is impossible. But thankfully we can go to God. Only in Christ will we find the grace to love well, the confidence to be honest about who we are, and the strength to love each other through it all. May your love be the kind that sticks around when your spouse's ugly is showing. And may your marriage be marked by Christ's radical love and pursuit of you despite your imperfections. We're praying for you, stay fierce! ~ Ryan & Selena Note: This idea is discussed at greater length in our upcoming book "See-Through Marriage". It releases in a few weeks, but if you pre-order it, you'll get the audiobook and discussion guide for FREE. Visit https://SeeThroughBook.com to learn more https://www.instagram.com/p/B_AnLCaD9lP/?igshid=f2y6f7tkk9y7

Our culture is obsessed with *now*. How many times have we short-circuited a good thing because we didn't want to wait? Have you ever settled for easy and fast, knowing full well that the best is often more difficult and much slower? I know I have. Love is one thing that cannot be rushed. Not true, active love, anyway. Feelings of love come and go with great speed—and they're a good grace of God to be enjoyed whenever they're present! The formation and maturation of active love, however, always takes time. What do we mean...? Marriage is a covenant for so many incredible reasons. One of the best reasons God designed marriage as a covenant is because of the time necessary for us to experience love and learn to give it. Learning to love takes time. Lots and lots of time. Consider this verse: "Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:9–10) People who understand love understand that it takes time to separate the evil from the good—to draw out the gold while removing the dross. It takes time, and as Paul writes, devotion. We experience love to the degree that we are vulnerable with our "mess" and still receive love. The greater the mess, the greater the opportunity to love. Christ on the cross is the truest example of gritty, selfless love being demonstrated by sacrificial action. We learn to *give* love to the degree that we learn of our spouse's imperfection and still choose to love them despite it. And it's our sense of feeling loved in Christ that will enable and train us to love each other exactly the way we calls us to. So, let's not rush love. It's built to last forever! Rest in your covenant, look to Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit teach you how to love more perfectly every day. Stay fierce, Ryan P.S: We love sharing family/faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Let's be friends there! P.P.S: So, @fierceparenting is now a thing!! Be sure to find and follow our Fierce Parenting accounts for gospel-centered parenting encouragement. #fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #twoasone #love #fiercemarriagebook https://www.instagram.com/p/B-dKQCMBfyY/?igshid=15fv1d138q3wm

#fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #twoasone #love #fiercemarriagebook

Forgiveness isn't easy. Anyone who's been truly hurt will agree. In fact, many who have walked the path of forgiveness in their marriage will tell you that it's a journey, and you often start it without fully knowing where you'll finish. It takes grit and guts to start down the path, and even more to finish. But as always, you can have hope in Christ. As followers of Jesus, we're taught to "forgive each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." (Eph 4:32, see also Col 3:13) Here's the catch: there's nothing in there about it being an easy process. Forgiveness is messy, it takes time, and it takes work. Perhaps that's why Dr. Chapman said it's a commitment and not a feeling? God's command to forgive is for our own good. Harboring bitterness and unforgiveness is like poison. It kills you from the inside out over time. Forgiveness in light of God's forgiveness, however, is always the cure. Does forgiving mean you immediately trust again? Not always. Trust takes time to rebuild. Does forgiveness mean you stop feeling pain at times? Not necessarily. Healing takes time and help from outside counsel. Does forgiving your spouse mean you're committed to reconciling as far as it's up to you? Yes, it does. But that's why it's a commitment. True reconciliation isn't a quick fix. It takes dedication, communication, work, rebuilding trust, and plenty of time. Whatever you've dealt with, and whatever you're currently dealing with, we urge you to hope in Christ. Look to him and behold the gift of forgiveness you've received when you are in him. He, of all men, has every right to feel wronged and to hold our wrongs against us, yet he freely forgives. He forgives, he loves, and he accepts because of his merit, not yours. Let that sink in. If you're feeling hurt, sad, or hopeless right now, our hope is that you'd know that forgiveness is possible though it may not feel like it at times. Trust God as you forgive. It's a journey, and at times the path may feel unclear—you won't always feel it—but your destination is sure. Stay the course and trust your Guide; he is faithful to bring you to the other side. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena https://www.instagram.com/p/B-IGp5_BHV_/?igshid=11yp7lfokdtwk

It's easy to confuse love with feelings or attraction. They're not the same, and their differences are profound. Attraction and feelings on their own can fade over time. Love won't. Attraction and feelings are desires that make us want to show love, but they're not what love is made of. Love is timeless, feelings come and go. Love is a decision, a verb, and a deliberate refusal of self for the sake of another. In that, it's unshakeable, whatever your state of feelings and/or attraction. Love in action enriches and amplifies feelings and attraction; in fact, covenantal love begets them both! That's why covenant is so awesome and important. Your covenant exists to give love time and room to flourish even when feelings and attraction are hard to find. It's there to bind you together through every season of life—for your good and God's glory. May your marriage be built on true love, and may your love be marked by action and covenantal commitment that stands the test of time. Whatever season you're in, rest in your covenant. Trust God's way. Trust that you will make it through. Press into your community of believers, lean on them as you work through rough patches in your marriage. Faith is being sure of what you hope for, so hope for this: feelings of love and attraction are always followed by relentless love in action. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena P.S: We love sharing family/faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Let's be friends there! P.P.S: So, @fierceparenting is now a thing!! Be sure to find and follow our Fierce Parenting accounts for gospel-centered parenting encouragement. #fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #twoasone #love #fiercemarriagebook https://www.instagram.com/p/B99qITRBoDU/?igshid=136ghg4yfvjbp

#fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #twoasone #love #fiercemarriagebook

Your marriage needs advocates, not adversaries. While it is nice to have friends around you that will watch out for you and take your side, those same friends should understand that oftentimes the best way they can love you is to fight for you AND the health of your marriage. We hear many stories where couples are working through a hard time and the situation is drawn out or made worse because 'friends' (as well as family members!) are speaking ill of their spouse without restraint or wisdom. Nobody is perfect! Every spouse has issues and every friend and family member probably has reason to speak of your spouse in some negative light. Good friends—truly good friends—will help you fight FOR your marriage. They'll offer godly wisdom to help you with a troubling situation, point you to God's Word, and help you process through your emotions. Truly good friends will help you identify blind spots in your own life and point out ways where you can be sharpened and learn to be more like Christ. This does warrant a few caveats: it doesn't mean that your friends enable abusive or sinful behavior in your spouse. Instead, a good friend will help you find a way forward, and that usually means pointing you (and perhaps going with you) to find godly counsel or immediate help. Proverbs 19:20 says, "Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise." Good friends will offer wise advice and timely discipline (words meant to urge your sanctification, correction, and righteousness). Protect your marriage from division, but also from divisive people. Doing so will help you find the healthiest paths to reconciliation through every season and type of hardship. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena #fiercemarriagebook #fiercemarriage #31daypursuit ALSO, HEADS UP: we've started sharing more family/faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. We would love to connect with you there! AND @fierceparenting is now a thing!! Be sure to find and follow for gospel-centered parenting encouragement. https://www.instagram.com/p/B9kHPbAhH-_/?igshid=1mcdaf560dn23

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Few things build your friendship like laughing together. Think about those first few months of knowing each other. Did you laugh? Odds are, you did... a lot. The fact that laughter truly *is* medicine has been undisputed for centries! The book of Proverbs teaches us that "the cheerful of heart has a continual feast" (15:15) and that "A joyful heart is good medicine" (17:22). Medical doctors and psychological professionals alike reinforce the same! Laughter increases health in dozens of ways while also boosting the health of your relationships. To be honest, all of this is obvious. Everyone enjoys genuine laughter, and virtually no one would argue that it's a good thing. The question is, how can you laugh more as a couple? Here are some ideas. 1. Smile more. If we're not careful, we can forget to be thankful for each other *and* show them with our faces. Every good laugh starts with a smile. 2. Joke around. Try not to take life so seriously. A good practical joke or goof-off session can bring life to your household. 3. Play with your kids. I mean, really play with them! It's easy to play halfheartedly with the kids just so they'll stop bugging you. Instead, dive in headfirst and see where the adventure takes you! 4. Watch The Office™! Or... watch whatever makes you laugh. :) The point is to laugh often together and a good show can definitely help. We love The Office and we're thankful for the weird sense of humor we share because of it. It has diffused many of our fights... 5. Know what's funny and what's not. Not all humor brings life in the same way. Sarcasm or humor at another's expense is almost always not edifying. Unwholesome, crass, and degrading talk/humor is also expressly condemned in Scripture (Eph 4:29). There are many other ways to learn to laugh more. The point is that laughter is an investment in your marriage, your health, and the health of your household! Have fun, enjoy God's grace, and laugh as much as you possibly can. It will pay great dividends now and in the future. Stay fierce, Ryan & Selena PS: we've started sharing more family/faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Let’s connect there! https://www.instagram.com/p/B89XoWlhVoC/?igshid=1edwzy828d7py

Transparency isn't about being suspicious, it's about building trust. It's not about limiting privacy, it's about building unity. We usually get a good bit of pushback whenever we urge couples to live with complete transparency in their marriages. The objections center around protecting "personal privacy", or couples say "my spouse should trust me without having to see my phone, etc". We genuinely and *strongly* disagree. Why? Because both objections assume that you're immune to temptation, sin, and making mistakes. Here's a personal example. Selena and I have something we call the "phone drop test". The concept is simple. At any moment, Selena could ask me to drop my phone on the table and give her unbridled access to everything on it. Texts, social media accounts, emails, browser history. Everything. I'm comfortable with this now, but there was a time early in our marriage when I wouldn't have been. It would have made me very nervous. Is my privacy violated in the above example? I think that's the wrong question to ask. The better question is, "do I have anything to hide, and if so, why?" Everything else is fair game because SHE'S MY WIFE. The thing is, she almost never asks me to see my phone (I can't remember the last time), but she can anytime and I'd be fine with it. Why? Because we've spent years building trust through truth and transparency. And, if she does find something questionable, what better person to call me out in my sin than my wife—who I know loves me and wants my very best? Time to get real; bear with me. Men and women who object to full transparency almost always (99.99% of the time) have something they're hiding from their spouse. It's just true. Friends, pursue truth, trust, and transparency in your marriage! It's what it takes to live as the ONE flesh you are (Mark 10:8). It's not easy at first, but the fruit of your labor is well worth it and your marriage will be stronger for it. Stay fierce, Ryan PS: we've started sharing more family/ faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Let’s be friends! #fiercemarriage #40prayers #31daypursuit #seethroughbook https://www.instagram.com/p/B8141R9BJLK/?igshid=1nzx17md5ouyk

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There's unparalleled power in the words you say to each other. Nobody has access to his/her heart the way you do. What's even more important is that words spoken cannot be retrieved. They can't be taken back! How many times do we speak to each other without thinking about the full effect of what we say? How many times do we say hurtful things out of frustration, impatience, anger, or tiredness? We must choose encouragement, grace, and faith instead of criticism, judgment, and fear. The former choices emphasize God's exclusive power to change hearts. The latter choices assume that we are the ones who can—and *must*—change our spouse's heart. That assumption can be very, very destructive in your marriage. Let God be God. He is a far better God than you could ever be. Then, you are freed to choose words that are wise and faith-filled. Proverbs 25:11 says, "a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver." Timing, content, and context matter! Wield your words wisely. Speak life-giving, timely, and gospel-driven words to each other. Finally, don't be stingy with encouragement. Speak loving words generously! Give encouragement without reservation. As you do, the health and joy of your marriage will multiply. Challenge: **TAG** your spouse below with a few kind words. You might make their day! Stay fierce, Ryan and Selena PS: we've started sharing more family/ faith stuff from our personal IG accounts: @ryan_fred and @selenafred. Let’s be friends! #fiercemarriagebook #fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #40prayers #twoasone https://www.instagram.com/p/B8rVQHzhsz0/?igshid=13uiy054ar9p1

#fiercemarriagebook #fiercemarriage #31daypursuit #40prayers #twoasone

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