She knew she had to do something, and with such an instinct Clarke needed to keep busy. She hated remaining still , knowing that she posed no use when she did nothing. This was normally why she did not remain still for too long , knowing that those around here were suffering , dying even , when she did nothing. She could not fail then , not again. She consistently felt like a failure to them , after all , gaining such as nickname like Wanheda did not come without loss and sacrifice. She did none of those things out of callous nature. She saw each and every death in her dreams. She was fearful for each night of rest â knowing what often haunted her in her dreams.  She often closed her eyes and felt consumed by darkness, followed by the screams of those she had lost , the words that told her she was a failure , she was at fault , and that she would pay for it. She had no doubt it was her doing , the decisions she made consequently meant some people were lost. As they said on the Ark , we had to loose some , to save many.
She had chosen to go for a supply run, and to her amazement, John offered to go with her. It was no surprise that Clarke held him in disregard , she was worried of his intentions even if he had begun to prove himself over time. She had a lot of trust issues beneath the surface , and this led to her not allowing anyone in. This being said, she had allowed him to come with her , knowing that she would use the company , and it helped to have someone with you in a world that was truly out to get you. She had spent a lot of time alone , especially when she went on the run. She regrets those days but it doesnât mean she doesnât use them to reflect. They helped her change, to adapt â to be the person she is today.
As the night grew thin, they set up camp and Clarke found herself succumbing to tiredness. She felt it was over her, and after hours passed, Clarke gave in to allow John to keep watch. She fell into a restful sleep, until it was truly disturbed by her inner demons. She begun to shout out in her sleep , gasping for breath, hands remaining clammy as she shot up, eyes searching the darkness. In front of her was Murphy , as she gasped for air , eyes full of tears that threatened to fall. She was encased in his arms , and it took her by surprise. However, she was not upset my the embrace, in fact , she welcomed it. Her arms encased him and she gasped, choking a cry for a moment before composing herself. âIâm â Iâm okay. â She moved away a little , knowing this was weakness she could not afford to have. âThank you â â For a moment, she stared , gnawing down on her lip as she heaved a sigh.Â
âIâm sorry â thatâs not what I wanted you to see.â
His entire childhood had been haunted with twisted nightmares, and it was from these memories of h i m s e l f and his father (Â in the days before he was floated, when John was sick, his father stayed up all night at his side, perhaps because he was dreaming about losing his only son) that he recognised the look in Clarkeâs eyes. When their gazes locked, he felt a sudden and unspoken connection between them, though she didnât know it; how could she, after all John had kept his past from almost everyone. How could Clarke know how much he really understood her? It didnât matter to him that she was w a n h e d a, because of how many chances HE had screwed up. At least Clarke could say she thought she was doing right by her people, but John had to live with something else; the notion that perhaps the monster inside him was there to stay.Â
John kept these thoughts at bay for now, moving his entire focus back to her because she definitely needed it more than him. Admittedly he doesnât look his best; he had scars on both sides of his face that hadnât healed yet, and his face was a little bruised from a fight with Bellamy that frankly heâd rather not talk about, but the concern in his eyes was raw and real, because heâd just found something in the Commander of Death that he related to, and that imperceptibly changed the way he felt towards her, though the boy may not have known it just yet. When she hugged him back John was surprised, not just by the fact that she hugged him but also that it was really nice. He looked at her when she pulled back a bit, his hands still resting lightly on her arms. âHey, itâs fine. Any time.â On the ground, emotion was weakness, but even now when John looked at Clarke he didnât think she was weak. Quite the opposite.
âDonât do that.â John paused, wondering if it was a good idea to say what he was thinking, before continuing in spite of the part of his mind that screamed to keep her distant. âDonât apologise. Youâre so strong all the time, Clarke. Donât you think you deserve at least one second to be human?â Realising now that his hands were still on her, he let them drop, looking away to avoid her seeing the sudden embarrassment in his eyes. âI donât think Iâve had a good nightâs sleep since we landed here, anyway. I dream about everything Iâve done, everything weâve ALL DONE so we could get here. I canât pretend that I know exactly what youâre going through because youâve given up so much more than the rest of us. But everything you did was so that we could A L L survive. Nobody else could have saved us, Clarke, and you did it no matter the cost. The fact that you feel guilty even though your people made it out alive....that means youâre good, and good people deserve forgiveness.â
John wasnât sure why he felt the need to comfort her, but the words were already out now and he certainly wouldnât take them back.
theartofmadeline
prguitarman
yousharknotpass
titsay
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
