Opening Pandora's Box
Time to drop some truth.....
I opened Pandora's box last week Monday. I told my best friend a secret I had been carrying around for close to 15 years. Friday I started counseling, I told my therapist too, and when I got home I told my husband. I've cried so much the last few weeks my eyes burn and my head pounds continuously.
I was raped. I was abused. I was controlled.
I was 14, just shy of 15, when I met him he was 17. Tall, cute, funny, and he was the first to really pay attention to me in a way I hadn't experienced before. We started hanging out during lunch and after school before I had to catch the bus home. One day, after school, he kissed me, my first real make out kiss. It was sloppy, I missed the bus. I called my mom and had to wait close to an hour at school for her. We continued to make out and he put his hand between my legs. Never had I experienced this before.
The controlling started shortly thereafter. He would wait outside all my classes and walk me to the next. He was there when I got off the bus in the morning and would make sure I got on after school. We were rarely apart during school hours and after school once I got home I was to call him. He would keep me on the phone for hours so he knew where I was. I stopped hanging out with my friends and hung out only with him and his friends.
The first time he raped me was weeks after my 15th birthday. We were at his mom's boyfriends place. He had been bugging me for weeks everytime we were alone for sex. Pressuring me more and more. Pushing further, touching more, and I kept trying to resist. I was afraid of him even early on. He was a big guy, I was tiny back then. He took me to his room there when his mom and he bf went out to grab pizza. His sister, the same age as me, was upstairs while we were downstairs. I remember kissing him as he undid my pants, I stopped him for a second and then he continued. He put me on the bed my pants off and laid myself on top of me so I didnt move. And then he did the deed, just like that I wasnt a virgin anymore. His mom and bf came back and caught us and thinking it was consensual berated us for setting a bad example for his sister.
I wish every day that I had had the courage to speak up them. To tell them I didn't consent. It happened again and again over the course of the year. Sometimes the sex was truly consensual but there were times it was not. He continued to control and manipulate me through shame and guilt. Eventually just after I turned 16 I gained the courage and I ended things. He made me feel absolutely worthless and I still struggle with my self worth.
I never learned how to move beyond this and over time I started having anxiety. The anxiety got worse over the years and the last few weeks have been almost unbearable. I started to hurt myself and finally I asked for help.
The therapist calls it PTSD. My goal is to learn to manage my symptoms so the anxiety doesn't take hold.
I am not a victim. I am a survivor and this is the start of my road to recovery.