I'm not one to voice my personal issues over social networking, but I'm struggling to find somewhere to let out the awfulness that's been building inside of me. As a teenager, I struggled with moderate depression and anxiety from time to time. There isn't a single person that knows this about me because I've always kept it to myself. I never talked about my feelings, I cried by myself, I didn't ask for help, and the truth is, I didn't think I ever needed it. I've always been strong enough to persevere and pull myself through whatever the problem has been. I attribute this ability to thinking objectively. With objective thinking, the clouds naturally start to clear. Solutions make themselves visible, my stomach un-knots, and I realize that tomorrow is still another day. By the time I had graduated high school, I hadn't felt like that in years. Then, aside from a few isolated anxiety attacks, I was fine until about a year ago. I fell hard for someone in a relationship. There were mutual feelings, but nothing ever happened. We only spoke of them a few times over the next 5-6 months. I started to experience the same feelings of depression and anxiety that I had years ago, but as an adult. They were amplified. Everything means more. Thoughts are more dynamic and they don't stop racing. But still, I managed to find sunshine. Last October, I started seeing another girl that was also in a relationship. I had known her for a little less than a year. She soon left the relationship she was in and we became this wonderful combination of best friends/significant others. We did everything together. [For most of my adult life I've felt very under appreciated and it gets to me. I'm a very generous person, and I feel like i get walked on a lot.] This girl I had started seeing makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the entire world. Just overflowing with love and support and kindness. It's hard to really put into words how I feel when I'm with her... I get a weird little vibration/chill that runs through body when she makes me smile and when I make her smile. She's the best friend I've ever had and now, all of that's changing. Although she'll still by in my life, it's going to be a completely different dynamic. The thought alone is turning me inside out. The past few weeks of my life have been spent with a stomach that's in knots, my eyes welled with tears, and an inability to calm myself down at points. It's the same feelings of anxiety and depression, but they're overwhelming. They're happening with a frequency that I've never experienced and amplified to a point I've never experienced. But the biggest difference is that I feel like it's going to be cloudy forever. My objective thinking isn't bringing the sun through and I can't find a way out of these feelings. I feel broken. It really fucking hurts.
blakekathryn
pixelskylines
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
tangentwithtanner