he'd gotten some sleep, thankfully. with the way his mind played his anxieties like a broken record tape, he was mentally preparing himself for the days leading up to his departure to result in sleepless nights and at least one convoluted police board. he'd even expected it --- thought about waiting until the sure sign his boyfriend was asleep and the knowledge he'd have to step with his toes out of bed and just run those last few numbers pounding about in his head. but then they'd laid down. roy's sure archer hands --- calloused and warm tight around his abdomen --- expertly missing the places that were still healing from their last mission, and his breath a soft reminder of safety on the back of his neck, and the next thing he knew he was blinking back awake before the sun rose.
it was the same argument he had with himself every time. and at a certain point of trial and error --- where really, only one decision ever won out --- he was beginning to wonder if it was even worth the mental effort. why fight the inevitable? he was always going to make the same choice he had before, and then start the whole cycle over again the second he was back and his phone pinged. and then, like clock work, a voice that sounded suspiciously like a ragtag group of childhood friends asked how on earth he could just give up so easily. that they'd never known him to just give in without a fight, and then the little dick grayson in his head would say another fight?
dick suppressed the sigh building in his lungs -- a surefire way to wake up his bed mate. realistically, he should already be up. showered and packing what little he cared to take with him, getting an early start on all the things he's sure to be behind on, but the warmth roy was emitting was simply magnetic. rationality may deem getting up to be the logical next step but comfort and peace tethered him to savor the last quiet moments they'd have for a while.
it's a testament to his state of mind that roy's waking words actually surprise him. while he doesn't jump he does slightly tense at the revelation his silent musing was loud enough to stir, and then immediately lax again at the reminder he couldn't hide his tension from the other if he wanted. a perk and a detriment to the lifetime they've known each other. he wants to tell him to go back to sleep. not to worry his beautiful red head over it, and maybe dick would sustain himself with one last kiss on his way out, but the words bubble over dick's lips unprepared anyway.
there's a deep embarrassment at the admission --- like it's somehow surprising this insecurity cut at him so deep when the titans had been aware of it from 'hello, my name is--'. he feels foolish, and stupid, and perpetually young, bounding around in his booties and proclaiming that everyone else simply didn't get it. it was even sad how dick kind of missed that surety. how he'd become jaded, CHANGED the older he's gotten. that kid wouldn't even be questioning his next move like this older, worn model is.
roy's hands tighten near imperceptibly and he knows, even without words, all the things roy is kindly holding back on. heard them enough to probably recite them. but dick's own hands lift and find the archer's--- digits threading between digits to rest together on dick's stomach. " it's not about me. it's about the mission. " and when his own ears hear who exactly he sounds like, and how that's sure to go, he tacks on, shifting with an insecurity he'd never let another person see: " i just think . . . it may be too soon, you know? " and because he hates how whiny that sounds, he readjusts one of his hands to caress roy's fingers, a sigh of relief passing through his lips when he feels roy find the space between his shoulders behind him. his touch grounding. his voice is low when the acrobat says " it's just a bad feeling. "
and dick's had plenty of those --- warranted and unwarranted, and whatever his other faults may be no one on EARTH was more prepared than bruce. few others dick trusted like that, anyway. it was just a feeling, and feelings fade.
dick had been staring at the wall in front of him as he'd spoken --- grateful for the position both for the safety and reassurance plastered to his back and the ability to not have to look into roy's perceptive green eyes as he said goodbye. but at his boyfriend's next words dick's eyes shut tight --- a sudden pressure building behind them that frustrates dick even further. in their line of work, in their LIVES they had such few true moments of peace. but here, in their bed with the curtains still drawn up and the softest sounds of the city waking up, dick can honestly say he's never wanted to have both feet on the ground more in his life. like: for someone perpetually on the go, he's never wanted so badly to S T A Y . dick buys time by gently pulling the hand he's taken captive to his lips. the lightest glance against worn archer's knuckles, but time passes regardless of his will. because he's contrarian, or a planner, or any synonym of the two depending on how much grace he's due that day, he says lightly " we'd have to leave eventually, anyway . . . "