hi, i'm a stressed-out bookworm whose lack of driving ability is starting to get annoying, and welcome to starters from episodes 61-120 of the web series UNHhhh by trixie mattel and katya zamolodchikova! because they're my prompts, and not yours.
“don’t you dare speak ill of diana.”
“sometimes the squeeze ain’t worth the juice.”
“if you’ve got one foot in the past, and the other in the future, you’re pissing on today.”
“there’s no point in looking back. there’s also no point in looking forward.”
“i wanna put the romance in necromance.”
“you would die in a movie.”
“i bet you i would go and nobody would remember my name.”
“i think there’s a ghost touching you!”
“that’s one of the best things about kids is how easy they are to scare.”
“if we’ve learned anything in life it’s not to trust the vatican.”
“i’m not looking to play wheel of fortune, i’m looking to get bodysnatched by a demon.”
“i feel bad because i can’t be this and argue for a case of, “i turned out fine!” you know what i mean?”
“i don’t know if you noticed, but i’m not fine!”
“is it hot in here or is it just global warming?”
“stealing is the ultimate upcycling.”
“although at the moment they’re in charge of your fate, they are just humans with opinions.”
“it’s called gingham you fucking bumpkin.”
“i’ve gotta talk to you about something gay.”
“unless i’m getting emphatic “yes”s i have a problem with everyone.”
“i like horses, macrame, and bleeding.”
“that’s one of your favorite movies?!”
“life is short but short haircuts are shorter.”
“my problem with christmas is i hate red and i hate green.”
“what if i just wear all white and nobody touches me?”
“you like to be dressed as the red flag that you are.”
“who else in your life came back from the dead?”
“is shouting into a megaphone a hobby?”
“do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy?”
“have you ever painted a chicken’s toenails? you can.”
“i feel comfortable doing anything.”
“i don’t give a shit about your pizza! i could get my own fucking pizza and not help you.”
“i would not fare well in salem in the 1690s.”
“is there anything corn can’t do?”
“i look like a painted turtle.”
“why did i pick today of all days to turn it this hard?”
“whatever you tell yourself about yourself is kind of a lie, so might as well construct a good one.”
“sometimes getting fired is the right thing.”
“having a child opens you up to a lot of crimes.”
“you do have so many knives.”
“crime doesn’t pay. but it does slay.”
“see, those are some people i’m gonna kill.”
“straight people: can’t live with them, have to.”
“my motto is: don’t show up to work, don’t call anybody, and don’t brag about it.”
“even i get grossed out by it, so i know it’s really bad.”
“here’s a tip for sharing things with your friends: make sure that the response you get is the one you want.”
“fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me 14 times, i don’t know where we’re going.”
“you ever wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking everybody’s gonna discover that you’re a fraud? i do this twice a week.”
“i have already accomplished more than i ever would have thought in my wildest dreams. so i don’t know what i’m gonna aspire to now!”
“they don’t make wigs for kids, take that as a hint. these people aren’t fun.”
“i will say, the gym has produced some of the weirdest people i’ve ever seen.”
“oh, i play by my own rulebook at the zumba class.”
“people love to say “she’s just a puppy!” you don’t know how old my fucking dog is!”
“i don’t want them to know about all my pyrokinetic fantasies!”
“just ‘cause we’re all babies doesn’t mean there’s a sitter.”
“i don’t think there’s anything in life that i would have to lie about to you. it does help that you’re kinda off the deep end, because i’m never gonna shock you.”
“i don’t need to go somewhere designed for relaxing. i can relax anywhere, i choose not to.”
“you couldn’t even give me the holiday gift of laughing at one of my jokes!”
“listening is the reading of the ears.”
“it’s so exhausting having to confront everybody’s deficiencies day to day, so i’d like it if everybody were able to rise up a little bit so i don’t have to be so tired.”
“i don’t think you’re in danger of anybody ever thinking you’re fashionable.”
“i usually assume that i’m wrong.”
“you are the gayest fucking piece of shit i’ve ever met in my entire life.”
“what’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?”
“we had a tooth fairy, but she actually took your money. she was called the government.”
2087
dededos
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snowghoul
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