Hello Tumblr, I dreamt about you last night. I don't remember much from the dream, just the feeling of community.
I am currently home sick with COVID... this is my second time getting it (first was May 2023) and I swear it's worse this time around. It's very poor timing (is it ever good timing?) and I am very impatient to be feeling better. I'm at the point where I have enough brain/energy to be restless but not enough to be working productively.
I'm back to rowing as my full-time sport: I competed all summer and am trying out for my university again this year. This is (please, please let it me) the last full year of my PhD and I decided I wanted a redo. I had a very rough time on the team in my first year of grad school, but both the team and myself are entirely different now. I'm also one of the stronger lightweights trying out for the team, which helps.
Scott and I are doing well: we got married in April! The whole day was perfect, I couldn't have asked for anything better.
I've logged on a couple times in the last week or two. Most people I used to follow are no longer active. The few that are still here feel comforting (hi!). This community used to be such a big part of my life.
As always, I have many (many) thoughts going through my head. Some I would love to get out here, but I'm not going to put any pressure on myself to do so.
Scott and I are getting married in just under six months! We can't wait. He's been away for work almost 50% of the time in the last six months, and it's been very hard at times. Some days I still can't believe the life we're growing together – and am in awe that it's really just beginning.
The dark wet days (like today) are hard.
I'm still working on my PhD (please don't ask for much longer).
Jazzie is doing great.
I even won a rowing race over the weekend! My first in many years.
Man is it nice to be able to write race recaps again. This one is a bit different because it's a cycling race recap! I'd never done a cycling road race before, so I learned a lot through the many mistakes I made. Cycling races are *very* different from running (or rowing) races. The short of it is that my fitness was alright, but my race tactics were non-existent. Much of the placing came down to a sprint at the end and I had nothing left, so I placed quite poorly. However, I had fun and would do it again! Over-analysis below:
Race Prep: I didn't do much specific race-prep for this event. I started cycling more often for cross-training once COVID hit, and then bought an awesome road bike in March of this year. Since March I've ridden about 2000 miles with a bit of everything but not a lot of structured cycling training. However, my overall fitness is quite high right now. Power-wise my FTP is somewhere around 250 watts, probably just under 4.5 watts/kg. That's decent, but I have zero race experience to support my fitness, which definitely showed in this event. I did a slight taper for the event (reduced volume the week of, and an extra rest day two days out).
Venue/Course: Amusingly for a first race, this was our provincial championships. The course was in a rural location about 75 minutes from Vancouver. My race was 70km (although it turned out to be about 65) so we did 3.5 loops of an 18km route. I pre-rode the route on Tuesday, and I'm glad I did because the elevation map on the race package was very misleading. There was one large climb, but the "small" bumps were noticeable hills! Below is the elevation profile of my race, which I will refer to in my lap recaps.
Race Plan: Negligible. I usually have a detailed race plan for running races, but everyone I talked to before the race said that the group will dictate what happens in a cycling race. My plan was just to hold on.
Race Day: Our COVID restrictions haven't allowed groups >50 people until about 6 weeks ago, so this was one of the first racing opportunities of the year, and the size of the field reflected that. The race organizers said that it was the best turn out in a long while. There were two start times: the lower category race (mine) was at 9am. We were split into a men's and a women's race, where the men started about 6 minutes before we did. I honestly thought we would all be together, but I'm glad we weren't! Then men's field was about 100 people, while the women's field was about 30. Next time I think I will aim to get there earlier, as it takes longer to get ready for a cycling race than a running race. I didn't get a warmup in, although I don't think I suffered too much for it. Conditions were sunny and not significantly windy; temperature was 20-25C but with high humidity (felt *very* hot). Wildfire smoke had been intense the day before but thankfully had cleared enough to not be noticeable (AQI ~50 at the start and got better throughout).
Stats and Graphs: Normalized Power: 220W
High Level Race Summary: Overall, the race was different than I expected. It was not at all like a running race, where you essentially hold the fastest pace you possibly can for the distance. Instead there were lots of surges and (surprisingly) many sections where we backed off race intensity entirely. I went into the race thinking that I would be holding on for dear life during the flats and passing people on the climbs, but that isn't what happened. I got stuck between packs not once but twice, and I definitely paid for it. Due to bad tactics, I lost to a number of women who I know I am stronger than. However, I'm glad that I got to do the race, and am looking forward to doing more in the future! Detailed race recap (basically my notes for later) below:
First Lap: My adrenaline levels were off the charts at the start of the race. It was a rolling start, and based on the results I think they used chip time for the results (ie if you started at the back of the pack you would have a second or two extra at the end). I had no idea what to expect - were some of the women going to try and push the pace early on? Would there be a quick break? If there was, I wanted to go with it. I tried to move into the middle of the pack but kept getting pushed out, or else didn't know the etiquette for how indicate where I was going. At one point I moved out over the yellow line to get ahead, for which I got screamed at, oops. (I also got reprimanded for it after by one of the other cyclists, which I thought was uncalled for... I only did it once and it was to get into a safer position. She did point out that I could have been disqualified for doing that though.) The pack stayed together until the start of the first major hill. At the hill, everyone suddenly slammed on the power. I consider myself a good climber yet I still got dropped by the lead pack. I was giving it all I had, but they were gone. After the biggest hill, there was a bit of rolling upwards, and then a steep descent. I'm not a fast descender so by the time I'd come down the hill and around the corner they were gone. Even though I'd passed many people climbing the hills, my brain was asleep and I was convinced I'd been dropped by everybody. I absolutely hammered it to try and catch up... and then the rest of the women came up behind me. I think I may have been dropped by them briefly but they must have slowed down because I caught back up to them. In fact, the whole field had slowed down and we were all together again by the time we finished the first lap.
Second Lap: I knew that I'd made a mistake in getting caught between packs and so I just tried to recover in the first half of this lap. The speed/effort level of the group went way down, which I was not complaining about. My heart rate had been in the 170s and 180s while I was caught between laps but it came down on the flat section as low as the 130s. I finally learned to drink while riding about a month ago, but I dropped my singular water bottle during the first half of this lap... someone was kind enough to give me one of hers, which had carbs in it and definitely saved my race. When we got to the hilly section the group took off again. Either they'd burned too many matches on the first lap or else I'd recovered well, because I stayed with the first pack this time and we dropped about half the field again. However they slowed down again and so by the time we were finishing the lap everyone had caught back up. I was kind of annoyed by this, but also not in a position where I could be calling the shots.
Third Lap: I was pretty sure I knew what was coming, but oh man I had no idea how bad it was going to be. We stayed together for the first half of the lap once again, but now the surges were starting to get bigger. The there a was huge push right before the hills started, and I think it killed me. I tried to go with the first pack, and almost held on.... and then I fell off right before the descending started. That's where I lost my race; if I could do it again I would have buried myself to stay with that pack. Instead I essentially made the same mistakes as the first lap. I knew the rest of the group was behind me, and I tried to stay ahead of them instead of letting them catch up. According to the splits I was 20-25s ahead of them when I finished the third lap (and a full 70s behind the lead pack).
Last Half Lap: I kept looking back at each turn, and I thought I had a good lead... until they caught me. I knew I was done at this point. I held on for dear life, and stayed with this other pack. I tried to make a move near the end, but fell off, and then had nothing left for the final uphill sprint. I'm a good climber and expected to be able to pass people, but instead I got passed. I fell from 9/13 in my category to 12/13 (and from 17/30 women to 23/30).
Fitness wise, I think I could have stayed with the first group if I'd really gone for it. They split into two smaller groups by the finish, and I think I would have been in the second pack, which would have left me between 4th-9th in my category and 9th-17th overall. I do wonder if my category is a little stacked right now due to COVID cancelling races. I look forward to racing again now that I have a better understanding of how it works. I also look forward to trying a time trial, which I think might be where I perform best!
My first thought was 'do you not just know it's a prime number by looking at it' but then I looked at one and guessed wrong so touche. Better choices this time (if it is indeed the same anon), thank you!
89. Which are better black or green olives?
Neither, olives are disgusting
83. Can you swim well?
Not at all ... I am considering getting a swimming coach over the winter so I can do well when I finally do my 70.3 Half Ironman (I don't even think I mentioned it, but the 70.3 that got moved from May to July got flat out cancelled, so I've deferred to next year).
79. What was the last concert you saw?
City & Colour sometime in 2019! It was great
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
I think the short answer is 'people I meet on tumblr'. I talk to my friend Lucy the most, but I often talk to different people for different things.
23. Are your eyes the same colour as your dad’s?
They are not: his are brown, mine drift between dark green and grey (I call them hazel on my driver's licence but that's maybe not technically true).
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
I've chuckled at multiple internet things today but the last thing that made me laugh properly was my grandmother when I was out for lunch with her and a few others this past weekend!
All in all I'm doing alright, I just feel... out of sorts. Rambles below.
Scott's away doing fieldwork for the first time since last March. He was supposed to be gone 1-2 weeks but will be away for three; I'm not surprised because field work rarely goes as planned. I haven't had a lot of alone time since COVID started, so I was looking forward to him being away for a little while. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to sort out my head yet.
I have a vaccine appointment booked for May 25th, which I am very excited about. May 25th is also the day our current restrictions expire, and I'm hopeful they will be lifted instead of extended. Our cases are (finally) coming down, and our vaccinations are (finally) going up. That paired with the summer weather makes me hopeful that the threat of overwhelming our healthcare systems will decrease precipitously and we can all start getting back to a more "normal" life. My biggest priority is going to see my parents once we're allowed to travel inter-provincially again.
I feel a persistent undercurrent of anxiety. Sometimes a little bit of anxiety can be helpful, but this is not. Instead I just seem to be extra forgetful and feel ill-at-ease much of the time. I think I need a proper, intentional, resetting 'break'. I don't think I can achieve that while staying at home, so that will be part of my plan when I go to Victoria. Based on the ebbs and flows of lab work, that should be sometime mid-June (restrictions permitting).
Part of the issue might be that it doesn't feel like effort = outcome with my lab work/PhD program. When I'm feeling better this seems like an opportunity to optimize my work habits without 'grinding'; when I'm feeling worse (like right now) it just seems like I can work my ass off and still get nowhere. Maybe I'm falling into a trap of 'learned helplessness', but lately I've been doing the bare minimum in terms of lab work. I tell myself I'm 'ebbing' (this week I'm basically just waiting for cells to grow but the following two weeks will be busy) but I just end up feeling guilty/anxious that I'm not doing "enough". And maybe I'm *not* doing enough. If that's the case, I want to figure out why, and how I can fix it.
My eating has been a little weird lately. My weight has been creeping up, which I find frustrating because I don't think I'm eating any more than normal. I'm doing a low-FODMAP experiment (do NOT recommend) so I can't tell if it's due to that or another reason.
The only thing I'm really enjoying right now is my training. With training, it does feel like effort = outcome, which is comforting. I also like that I get to turn my brain off for up to hours at a time. I'm getting distracted by the internet again, even though I can hardly focus on anything for very long. I need to get back to journalling, and reading more, and making daily/weekly/monthly plans. It just feels heavy right now.
I'm absolutely sure I want to be in my program/lab, but I need to rekindle that 'spark' again.
I've been thinking back to this time last year, as I'm sure many of you have. Here's a collection of memories:
I was largely working from home in early March to finish my PhD proposal. I was grateful to be at home, able to work within arms' reach of Jazzie. Scott was in the field. I handed in my proposal on Friday March 13th, barely - I was incredibly distracted by the news of the "novel coronavirus" that was wrecking havoc on the other side of the world
My friend had her birthday on March 11th, and we made plans to go out for lunch on the weekend. By early on Saturday the 14th, we decided that it might not be a good idea. We still haven't gotten lunch together
The morning of Monday March 16th, I rode my bike to rowing. When I got back to my phone I had an email from my university telling us all to stay home if we could - until further notice. The university told us to wind down all laboratory experiments before the official shutdown on March 23rd. I had just submitted my PhD proposal, and so experiments were in a lull; I biked to work later that week to pick up my lab notebooks, and then didn't set foot inside my building again until June 15th
At my insistence (he said he'd hardly heard anything about the unfolding situation) Scott came home early from his work in Alaska. They shut down all flights in and out of the mine within two days of him leaving
I bought a ton of groceries before he landed and then we isolated for two weeks. Near the end of those two weeks our government passed a mandatory quarantine law. We had only been going out to run, but we stayed inside the last few days until the two weeks were up
Scott acclimatized to working from home quickly enough, but I was a mess. I could hardly read, so I was watching every minute of federal and provincial coronavirus coverage. I tried watched some of the US coverage, but couldn't without despairing. I refreshed the Worldometer website multiple times an hour. I went to every seminar about coronavirus that I could find. I got absolutely nothing done in the latter half of March besides training. It was the longest two weeks of my life
My PhD comprehensive exam got postponed from the first week of April until the 24th. I still think they went a bit easy on me; I hardy studied beyond a mad rush in the last few days. I was glad that I'd learned so much in my background research for my proposal, because my brain felt like it was full of holes. I (somehow) passed
May was purgatory. There were rumours we might be able to return to the lab fairly quickly; numbers were very low in Vancouver, and my building was working on COVID-safe protocols. Different protocols were suggested, most of them horrible. There one option where I'd be at work 6am-11am to allow for full cleaning between shifts. May 15th, then June 1st passed. I did some design work but mostly just exercised
We were finally allowed back in the lab, on short shifts. It was devastating to write June 15th after March 9th. My building felt the same, only now there was signage everywhere: single-direction staircases; one person per elevator. Our transit passes had been canceled, and I biked to work most days. I was only allowed there between 8am-1pm for the first few months
When I occasionally took the bus, few people were wearing masks. No one wore them at work (including me). Our labs are open concept and negative pressure systems, so it seemed overkill. Now it seems insane that we didn't
I haven't had the time/brain energy for journalling much this year, so this will have to do! A collection of thoughts below:
My semester has been *busy* so far! I was expecting it to be, between TAing and mentoring my (virtual) undergrad student and my aggressively optimistic lab plans. I seem to be keeping on top of things, but I feel like I'm rushing around every day and *still* don't have enough time for everything. I'm not one for the #grind mentality, simply because I know it doesn't work long-term; I'm all for very defined "sprints" of hard work followed by recovery, but I at least can't do that all semester. Thus, I've been careful to follow insane weeks with easier weeks in terms of hours spent in lab.
Perhaps not surprisingly, I'm not going to get through my aggressively optimistic lab plan for this semester. That's okay. We'll see how I feel a few months from now in terms of how well I've balanced everything; as it stands I *think* I'd like to TA again, but my advisor might have a different opinion.
My training has also taken a bit of a hit, as of course work has to come first. I feel like I'm bleeding fitness but I'm doing what I can.
Jazzie has a habit of waking us up early in the morning for food. She now goes to "jail" (her carrier) if she does that. The frequency of her waking us up is slowly decreasing but she hasn't quite "got" it yet...
Recently I've been thinking to myself how I wish there was a method for saving, sorting, and tagging your "likes" on tumblr - I generally "like" things to save them, but I've been here for almost 10 years now. I then had the brain wave that, oh, that's called a blog! *facepalm* so I might set something up...
Scott and I are moving! We've lived in this apartment for well over 2.5 years at this point, which is the longest I've lived anywhere that wasn't a family home. There's nothing wrong with it, and I think I'll miss it to some extent. However, we've found a suite that is: 1) closer to campus, 2) in a nicer neighborhood, 3) a two-bedroom vs. the one-bedroom we're in now, and 4) significantly cheaper. It's in a well-maintained house and almost too good to be true, but I think it just reflects the current (decreasing) rental market situation. Scott and I looked at a couple other places that were even cheaper, but this one was definitely the best. We get our new keys in a week, but only need to be out of our current place by the end of March. I am very thankful for the overlap.
My brain has been working the last couple of days. Thank you, brain!
I miss being around people, despite being incredibly introverted. I know I have things better than many/most, but I still feel isolated. I go to work but rarely talk to anyone; my TA meeting (which is on Zoom) has become the highlight of my week just because I get to interact with multiple people "face to face" (the students in my course very rarely turn video on). My normal pre-COVID limit for small talk/"mingling" was usually under an hour (20 minute lunch break was my ideal interaction), but I never would have guessed how important that small amount of time was for feeling human
Speaking of feeling human, I read 'A Little Life' by Hanya Yanagihara and it wrecked me. I haven't felt that way about a novel in years, possibly even in my adult life. The main characters felt real to me, especially Jude. It was an absolute masterpiece
Thanks to @progressaesthetics for setting up this challenge! I fully expect to do a couple days of it and then fall off the face of the earth, but it's nice to have some prompts.
Day 1- Introduce yourself! What’s some basic info you’d like to share about yourself? Also! What are you studying? (If you’re in college, what’s your major? which semester are you in?)
My name is Bronwyn! I am a Canadian PhD candidate studying Medical Genetics in Vancouver. I am also a high-performance endurance athlete (rowing/running/cycling) so I am very busy most of the time.
I am in my third year of my program (tags #gsy1 #gsy2 #gsy3 for each year), and am probably under half way done. My PhD is a fast-track from undergrad and my program average is 6 years (with people in my lab taking closer to 7). I'm fine with that though, I love my job (yes, we get paid)! I finished classes in my first year, and so I'm currently doing lab work, "attending" talks, TAing, and mentoring an undergrad.
Day 2- If you’ve chosen a major, why did you decide on it? If you’re in any other grade , what field/major interests you the most?
My major in undergrad was Biochemistry, which was great way to figure out that I don't indeed enjoy biochemistry! Part of the problem was that my program (at Queen's university) was extremely protein-chemistry heavy instead of being well-rounded. For example, I didn't take a *single* microbiology course, and only took physiology in my final year because I realized I had very little knowledge about how the body worked as a whole.
I knew fairly early on that I loved evolutionary biology, and my favourite fourth-year required course BY FAR was advanced molecular biology. I took a year off after I graduated to decide what I wanted to do next - I'd wanted to get a job in industry but it didn't work out. I then decided which university I wanted to go to, and I knew from my previous experience in two different labs that I wanted to do a research-based graduate degree. I spent a few days looking through labs and the ones I were interested in all fell under the Department of Medical Genetics. I then looked at the required courses and knew it was the program for me! I was also lucky enough to get into my first-choice lab. I don't have any particular ~story~ for why I'm studying X-chromosome inactivation beyond the fact that it brings together a few interests: gene expression regulation x sexual selection x cutting-edge laboratory techniques.
Day 3- Have you done a challenge before? If so, how was it? If not, what are you expecting to get out of this experience.
I have not! I have *meant* to do a few of them but haven't followed through. I think ideally I'd do 1-2 posts per week with questions that I like. I've been quiet on tumblr lately mostly due to feeling *overwhelmed* so I guess I just hope to start posting again.
I’ve been feeling... lonely. Yes, I have Scott, and a couple of close friends (albeit none in my city, irregardless of COVID). That might annoy some people, that I feel lonely despite having a loving partner. I know some people have it way worse, but that doesn’t take away the feeling. I think I posted a while ago about how there’s different types of connections, and so different types of loneliness. My loneliness is both on the friend-group and community levels; I have neither. Tumblr fills some of that role, but it’s still not the same. My run club filled some of the gap, but I haven’t seen them in about six months due to COVID. Right now we’re allowed to exercise outside with 1-2 other people, but the only one I can really ask to go on rides with is... my 47-year-old male coach. There’s two young women with whom I row or ride with sometimes, but our schedules haven’t lined up lately. I hardly talk to anyone at work, but I’ve felt ostracized from them since the beginning, so that’s not new. COVID has made things worse, but it was hardly better beforehand. I guess the solution is to look for a community, but where, who, how? In person, I’m anxious as hell in new situations, which means that I don’t fit in (I’ve tried). Online is better, but there one inevitably misses out on some of the important parts of connection. I know many people are feeling similarly in this time of isolation, so I’m not alone in that sense. It just sucks to know that it probably won’t be much different after, either.
By the time we got to the fourth week of January I decided that I would just wait until the end of the month before posting my January goals. (I’ll write out my 2021 goals at some point.) I think part of my issue is that everything just feels... up in the air. Uncertain. Lately I have been feeling both overwhelmed and ineffective, like I’m struggling to tread water yet not realizing that I would be able to stand if i could stop treading long enough to let my feet find the bottom. I feel like I don’t have enough brain-powered hours in the day, yet I’m also not waking up rested at least a few days a week. It’s been raining a lot the last few weeks, which probably doesn’t help. Anyway, goals (generally not met) below the cut. Sorry for the negativity; things just feel hard right now.
School/Work: I had many plans for this month; I did not meet many of them. I think I under-estimated the amount of time/brain power some things would take. My annoying cell line, which was behaving SO well before the break, refused to cooperate for most of the month. It’s gotten its act together the last week or so, but I’m effectively a month behind now. My TAing has gone well so far, at least. My prof is on top of things, the other TAs are great, and the material thus far is all on topics/techniques I am very familiar with. Thus far I’ve been working ~10 hrs/week, which is reasonable, but I have had a little bit of trouble integrating it into the rest of my lab work. I didn’t finish the undergrad stuff because he was AWOL for half the month and I didn’t want to work on it if he might ditch me, oops. It’s due in February anyway, and I do have an outline for his summer project at least.
Aim 1.1 – Loose end design work – didn’t get to
Aim 2.1 – Finish MH integrations & begin CRISPR – this is the annoying cell line, which had a bad thaw and so I couldn’t start the experiment. However, I thawed a new batch last week, and have started the CRISPR today, so that’s a win even if it wasn’t as quick as I wanted
Undergrad – Application for summer funding, plan out summer project, this semester’s plan – honestly it might be a good thing he disappeared for a bit, I would have been hard pressed for time
TA-ing – Figure out weekly (reasonable) schedule for prepping & marking
Fitness etc: My 70.3 triathlon got moved from the end of May to the latter half of July, and so my planned focus on swimming has also been postponed. For now, I am working on muscular endurance – both my sprint strength and endurance base are fairly developed right now, but my legs consistently start getting tired between 90 and 120 minutes. I’ve talked to a few people who recently started cycling and the deal seems to be that you just gotta do long rides and they’ll eventually get easier. Other than that, I’m vaguely following a TrainerRoad plan, and erging/rowing when I can. Running accidentally moved to the back burner this month but I still got a couple of long ones in.
Running: at least 125 miles, 3 long runs, 3 workouts – I only hit 86.4 miles in January, although I did get some brick runs in. It feels weird to be doing less running than I could be but I am just going to go with it, I guess. I don’t like running if it’s a combination of dark/cold/wet, and I have other options right now.
Erg/row at least 125km - 127.2km! On January 31st it was pouring rain and I could either run 15.6 miles to hit 100 or erg 16km+ to surpass 125
Cycling: at least 250 miles - 325.3 miles! Which is kind of crazy, as that’s one of my highest cycling mileage months, January or not. (Yes I count trainer miles, but at a modest estimate for time, not the crazy numbers it gives me based on gear setting)
Swim twice – Nah, I swam once. Still don’t like pool swimming, not least because I’m slow as heck
Two key workouts/week – Most of them were on TR, while I’d planned to do some running + erg workouts, but a win is a win
Average 10 hrs/week – I haven’t actually done my training diary for the end of January yet, but Strava suggests that it was pretty close to exactly an average of 10hrs/week
FUEL (at or over maintenance)
Other: The hardest section this month. I started out well and then got tired and busy. In many ways it was fine, I just didn’t meet my expectations. I wish I had more hours of the day with brainpower! Between driving lessons and TAing and lab work and training it’s hard to fit it all in. I generally put aside my evenings to be with Scott (and don’t have much brain then regardless). I’ve also been sleeping a LOT, between reading and waking up slowly I’m generally in bed 11+ hours these days. I hope I have more early morning energy once it gets lighter and less rainy. A win: I felt less distracted this month, generally.
Get back in the journalling habit – Nah, not really. I started off journalling but as per my last post just... stopped being able to. I’m really not sure when I’d fit it in, either. Morning maybe? But I often don’t have the time. I’m not willing to take less sleep just to journal, so maybe it’s just not the season.
Call 4+ people – Yes, I’ve been great at calling people!
Keep training journal up to date – In general, yes
Drive 4+ times & pass driving test! – Failed for dumb reasons... have rescheduled for mid February. Since the reasons were dumb I’m hoping I pass on round two?
Use Passion Planner! – So yes, I have been using my planner, and love it. I’m working on learning to time block, with some hit and miss. My issue is that lab work can be quite variable and so I don’t want to commit to a schedule until I know that it’ll work out... but then I end up not doing the less urgent but still important things, the doing of which is a main point of the method. I guess I can consider it as the first step in the process of figuring out how to be more effective (determining how I’m currently using my time), much like tracking current intake can be the first step in adding healthy habits, ha
Figure out better capture system – Nope! I have thoughts and ideas but need a good day or two to cement my plan, and then perhaps a less chaotic week to get used to a new system. My email inbox is currently insane though, so it’s coming soon, I hope.
(Note: monthly goals are harder without yearly goals, I will get on that soon... maybe when my undergrads have reading week)
This month has flown by. I still haven’t posted my January Goals, so at this point I guess I will just post them when it’s time for the month’s recap. I can tell you now that it’s been very hit and miss. I haven’t fully written out my 2021 goals/intentions yet, but they’re sitting in the back of my head.
Unrelated, heavy topics below the cut:
You might know that I love Januarys, and new beginnings. Yet I now know of five people who’ve passed away in the first month of the year, and they’re all on my mind right now. Two were siblings of close friends, very similar accidental-but-maybe-not-entirely drug-related deaths. One was my paternal grandmother, who died from ovarian cancer in 1996. One was the long-term boyfriend of my brother’s friend, who died suddenly while snowboarding a couple weeks ago. And one was someone I followed here on Tumblr, who took her own life at the start of this year. I didn’t interact with her much, and I don’t think any of my mutuals followed her, but we had a surprising amount in common. She was about my age, and had so much potential, but the pain was too much. It’s devastating, and I didn’t even know her well.
When someone dies, it seems to send me down the same mental path. I find it hard to write, to reflect, to process. In 2013 I kept a journal consistently until my 20-year-old cat Dusty died in front of me (warning, pretty intense). In 2019 Last year I stopped journalling after my friend Ilse died suddenly. I started journalling again with the new year, but have hardly been able to since I heard about Sarah. When the young man from my hometown died days later I stopped entirely.
There are two divergent ways my thinking goes. The first (and probably why it becomes hard to write) is that so much just feels meaningless, inconsequential. So much of what I do is based on the assumption that little things will add up. The phrase ‘the trouble is, you think you have time’ has been living in my head since my grandfather passed away in 2019. (I think the only reason why I kept journalling through that was because I was away from work for a week; I never really spoke about it here after that one post.) Personally, I’ve come so far in the last ~10 years, but if I got hit by a bus tomorrow it wouldn’t be enough.
The second thing I always think about is other people dying. My Granni, while healthy, is almost 80. My parents’ eventual deaths will be even more horrible now that they’re split up. Jazzie, while not a person, will be devastating. I can’t even start to think about losing Scott, or my brother, or any of my close friends.
I think most people would agree that the cost of love is pain; I’ve also heard that sincere gratitude is the antidote to that pain. There’s a (very human) temptation to protect ourselves from pain by walling ourselves off, not letting people in. The irony is, if we want to live a life worth living, we will eventually have to face the pain of loss. It’s hard, but we need to lean in instead of leaning away. We need to hold the joy of now and the inevitable pain of some day at the same time. We can’t be focused on the eventual end, but we can’t ignore it, either.
Whenever someone passes away, it’s such a horrible reminder of what can, will happen. Some days I feel like getting older is just learning and re-learning how to say goodbye.
Now that I’ve done my sport-specific recaps, here is my overview for the year. This was my second year of keeping a consistent training diary (2019 here). As per last year, I probably spent 30-45 minutes/week to keep it up to date since I also kept an online spreadsheet with totals (instead of spending forever to create it at the end of the year). I like keeping a training record because it forces quite a bit of self-reflection, and also helps with consistency. The basics:
average 81 minutes per day (76 cardio, 5 strength & conditioning)
average 95 mins per training day (usually one rest day per week)
average 8.6 hours of sleep per night
average resting heart rate 59
Slightly excessive number of graphs below the cut
Definitely less strength this year, largely due to gym closures. I did some home strength routines in April-June, then went back to the gym until cases started to rise again in November.
Numbers (top) are from 2020 only; too crowed with both. Bottom is Strava’s ‘Relative Effort’ metric (subscriber perk) that tries to measure how ‘hard’ your workouts are (so thus you can have high minutes but not hight RE, and vice versa, depending). I find it helps to flesh out the full story: although I didn’t start the year off super easy, I built up after COVID hit, kept climbing until about the end of August, and then chilled out a bit towards the end of the year. I flirted a bit with overtraining in the summer, but have now recovered, performed well on testing in November, and feel ready to tackle 2021!
A very consistent RHR this year - the only times it was really above 61were when I was finishing my proposal, and right when COVID started. It’s interesting how I’m way fitter than I was last year, yet my RHR is the same (average at least). I guess it’s just genetically (physiologically) determined after a point. I do find it odd how I probably have the highest RHR of anyone I know who trains as much as I do!
I think the sleep graph is one of my favourites – can you tell when COVID started?! (Let’s not discuss whether that was a healthy coping mechanism or not...) This past week has been super sleepy, too. I love sleep.
