The ramblings of my mind when I should really be studying for my last final
I need emotional stability
I would love to stop having past relationships linger in my mind and in my realities.
I want to learn who I am outside of my pining for the excitement of new intimacies.
I want to learn who I am outside of my pining for the excitement of new intimacies.
I had to type that twice to fully grasp the weight and the truth of the statement. This is one of those times I really wish I wrote music. If I did, that sentence would be the only lyric in a very dream-scape-like song. Only once would the sentence be sung, very slowly and spread out. You would have to listen to it several times to remember the order of the words to figure out the sentence in completion.
Today I sat on a rock on a giant pluton, I sat back and closed my eyes. I began to question religion and the existence of a supreme God. Why is it that when we die, christians go to heaven to be servants of God. Why do we not become a part of God. After all, are we not a part of him already in human form? We were created in his image.
This thought became a visual within my mind up on that rock. I imagined a naked God taking a knife to his abdomen, slicing off a wide strip of skin. He takes the strip and dips into a bowl of glue and water. When the strip of flesh is soaked, God takes it and places it meticulously onto the bodice he has been forming with pieces of himself. The paper mache model of earth and humans. A project due by Saturday.
when I am my loneliest I still think of you. I don't reach out to you as I know I should. I'm being exposed to all of these ideals and ways of thinking and you're not apart of any of them...Well, aspects of you are...but not the full picture. I still believe your aesthetic is the most joyous and loving and beautiful. God Spirit Son. Three in community, never alone, always known. That is what humanity craves.
So why has romantic love turned into the top priority? And why do some play that awful game of withholding? Shouldn't love be the only thing that keeps us young and crazy and vulnerable no matter what? When does that start? I can't remember what an intimate relationship looks or feels like. I haven't been in one since I was fifteen. Yes, it was a first (mutual) love, a young, naive, forever and always love that inevitably became too much for a virgin christian girl and her pure ideals of sexuality and what a marriage looked like.
I have always thought about marriage as the end goal. Why? Most likely as a result of my upbringing in a culture stuck on women as wives and men as workers. A society where women make 75 cents to every man's dollar. A religion where a girl is supposed to keep everything pure and soft and clean for a loving practically perfect man of God that probably went extinct several hundred years ago along with several species of fish and bird and insect. Naturally. Only the fierce survive.
So the 9 year old me is still in love with the boy who always sat with us girls at lunch time. I stuck pencils in his afro and we sat next to each other on the bus. We were each other's favorite but it was hard to say that in 4th grade. So we just didn't.
And the twelve year old in me is still in love with the worship band bass player with red curly hair and narrow hips. You made my heartbeat so fast when you asked me to stay up with you. You were crashing on our couch and I was crushing hard in the first twenty minutes. (and for the next several years)
My fourteen year old self is still in love with the short weirdo with a beard and a knack for making me laugh until I pee my pants and a habit of telling me how wonderful he thought I was. An easy, open lover, he was. I just couldn't handle all that love at such a young age. You're the only one I let go. It wasn't easy. You were my best friend.
My sixteen year old self will never stop pining after the boy with the big hair and an even bigger ego that spoke french and knew his way around the laws I made for myself. I broke my laws, but he broke my heart, I think. Not badly... but enough for the next year of high school to be hell.
My current self has not let go of most of those boys, some now men.
The boy was nine and now he's nineteen and I'll never forget giving him my virginity the week before high school graduation. You are one of the most special people in the world to me. I pray for your happiness daily. I am so glad our friendship has survived hell...and whatever's worse than hell.
When I was twelve, the boy was already 18. When I turned 18 he finally kissed me. I still wonder what life would be like for us if we ever ended up in the same chapter of life. Until then, I will continue my teen years as he slowly wades into adulthood, kicking and screaming on the inside of his twenty-five year old body.
And the boy who drove me crazy while I drove him around in my new-old Cadillac...God damn you. Of course you are the one who is an evolved player of the god awful game. I am too genuine of a lover for your aloof and stoic ways. And yet I am powerless. You opened so many new things in me... You broke my heart and only continue to chisel your name into it. Even though I have basically handed you the tools, please don't shatter me.
So you want to know about my past?
Well, it is still my present. My nine, twelve, sixteen year old selves are still within my today self. I'm just a little rougher and exponentially more emotional. Those boys who now look like men still have their holds on me, some weaker, some stronger now than ever.
I used to think I had a lot of control over my future and there was still mystery out there in terms of my perfect "future husband".
But there is a large part of me that now secretly and painfully hopes that one of my past selves had it right.
