finding independence

we are all driven by the things we have lost.

[findingindependence]

It is unfortunate that to truly enjoy life it seems one must be either incredibly intelligent and riddled with mental health challenges - or inconceivably stupid.

Finding Independence

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2019

2019 was also an incredibly difficult year. I allowed all of the things that injured me in 2018 to follow me, worse, I encouraged them until I built such a rage like I’ve never felt before. 

[findingindependence]

2018 was an incredibly difficult year. I learned to love myself, trust myself, and hate myself. I fucked up. Other people fucked up. I’ll be glad when it’s gone.

[findingindependence]

60 days

They say it takes 60 days to form a habit.

One month, twice over. Four times. Four times over, you’ve ingrained yourself in me. I’m four times deeper than I ever thought I would allow myself to fall.

None of this is a time I want to return to.

At the same time, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Someday I may look back on this. I hope I’ll smile. I want to hold you in my heart forever. You are not a crutch but rather a step. I will become something greater. You may not be part of that. But I’m finding Independence one day at a time. This is me, promising myself, I will never let anything detract from my time on this earth ever again. I will only let you add to my life. I will not let you give me purpose.

[findingindependence]

Waiting Room - Phoebe Bridgers

The Lost Ark Studio presents "Waiting Room" by Phoebe Bridgers, the latest single from the Lost Ark Studio Compilation - Vol. 08. Enjoy! Singer-songwriter Ph...

[findingindependence]

Phoebe Bridgers + Noah & Abby Gundersen - Killer + The Sound (Official Video)

Phoebe Bridgers + Noah & Abby Gundersen - Killer + The Sound, out now on Dead Oceans and Cooking Vinyl. Buy / stream: https://bridgers-gundersen.ffm.to/kille...

[findingindependence]

Now you're passing your people like ships in the night, looking to every stranger for a fight.

The Sound, Phoebe Bridgers

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Can the killer in me, tame the fire in you? Or is there nothing left to do for us?

Phoebe Bridgers

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Julien Baker - "Appointments" (Official Video)

From the new album 'Turn Out the Lights' available now: http://mat-r.co/TurnOutTheLights http://julienbaker.com https://www.facebook.com/julienrbaker/ https:...

[findingindependence]

Maybe it's not going to turn out alright, but I have to believe that it is.

Julien Baker, “Appointments”

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Big Blue Marble

Vocal & Piano Covers, Original Music

Cover of one of my favorite “camp” songs from SCICON, in California. 

[findingindependence]

You were there So real Everything to lose It’s a mess now I can’t go back But I know It’s not me Not this time, I see But it doesn’t always feel like that But I made my bed And I’ll find a way To sleep in it tonight To sleep in it Tonight

Anecdotes

[findingindependence]

Force me into a chaotic existence full of passion and detachment; it's the worst state of being and sometimes I'm not sure I'd want it any other way.

Finding Independence

[wordsnquotes]

Insincerity is always weakness; sincerity even in error is strength.

George Henry Lewes (via wordsnquotes)

[findingindependence]

I do belive I've lived a brilliantly full life. Sometimes I think there can't be anything left. But one must always hope for more brilliant things.

Finding Independence

[findingindependence]

derailed

You pull me away from myself I catch myself writing words to you when I am trying to write them to me

I am an unwavering force in all aspects of life when it comes to you I am derailed in an instant

You make me feel like nothing and everything Sounds cliche, it is

I think we live in a world where the only people who can strike the indelicate balance of self-awareness and required cool to blend are hiding within themselves

We will not find them because they don’t believe that they know themselves

We don’t know how to be our own we spend so much time thinking about how we are our own that we brand ourselves by the things we wish we were instead of what we are and call it self love

Who knew how easily I could be derailed

Here you are again back knocking on the walls of my mind I’d almost locked the door but I could hear you breathing and I couldn’t bear to know that you exist in my world without letting you in just a little enough to know that I am worthy of your time but worry it’s for the wrong reasons

What are the wrong reasons anymore

I have to be someone, I tell myself to make the fact that I can’t be sure of your love right with my mind

as if the fact that you don’t love me is the only reason I have to become something

but I always wanted to be something

and if that something is a product of a lack of love for myself, how will I ever be a light

[findingindependence]

I no longer have the patience to sit in silence, listening to my own thoughts.