Finding Inga

[findinginga]

"Sometimes when you love someone you do crazy things."

“You should never tell a psychopath they are a psychopath. It upsets them.” (Villanelle - Killing Eve)

The title of this blog entry and the preceding quote were both taken from a delicious black comedy/spy series named "Killing Eve".  If you have not already experienced this gem, it is a great a series to binge on some rainy weekend.  Without giving too much away as to the story line, Villanelle is an assassin who was recruited and trained to be a killing machine.  She is attractive, flirtatious, and uber chic possessing a seemingly endless reserve of methods to dispatch her targets.  More than being efficient at her job, she derives gleeful satisfaction at a task well done.  In an early season one episode, Villanelle concocts a poisonous perfume which she uses to kill an asthmatic French designer and declares, "...you know I like the breathy ones...".  The deadpan delivery of Jodie Comer as Villanelle never ceases to result in some laugh out loud moments even as Villanelle completes a mission.

I could not help but think of Ingeborga as I started viewing the "Killing Eve" series for the second time.  Perhaps it is the native Russian accent of Villanelle in combination with the innocent, almost angelic face of the character which immediately conjures up my memories of past interactions with Inga.  Then there is complete disregard for the others which allows Villanelle to act in the single-minded way that she has perfected.  While she performs these callous acts without guilt or remorse, one grows to appreciate there is a kernel of humanity inside.  

I felt that this was true with Inga, at least in regard to her abilities to deceive and wear different masks.  I cannot honestly report that Inga was capable of anything.  I often wondered about her limits.  Was she capable of any form of mayhem?  She once asked of me if I would be willing to kill for her and seemed disappointed when I told her that I found this to be immoral.  To be fair, her question was likely a response to my previous claim that I would do almost anything for her.  Her hyperbole may have been intended as a sarcastic response to my declaration.  However, the archetypical femme fatale will enlist others to carry out those sorts of acts.  Given past incidents, I will never be completely sure.  The quote of Villanelle from Season One of "Killing Eve" does rings quite true for me.  Inga clearly did not welcome that I had knowledge of her pathology.  It most assuredly upset her.

The passage of time...

I deliberately allowed some weeks to elapse before writing again on this thread.  It was my goal, more my hope, that assembling all the details related to my odyssey with Inga and then allowing them to unfold in a narrative, would allow my anger to dissipate.  Indeed, the catharsis has relieved me of the pent up rage I felt over the course of 2023.  I still feel significant embarrassment over many of my actions.  I refer to the title of this blog entry as a weak form of explanation.

I have made no attempts to locate Inga in order to make contact.  To my knowledge, she continues to live in Pskov and maintains her jewelry design and sales business.  Whether she is with Denis, lives alone with Eva or has moved on to a new relationship is unknown to me.  Further, it really no longer matters.

I would like to think that publicly unmasking her in the fashion I chose served as a severe enough shock to her that Inga will be dissuaded from a similar adventure.  However, people with NPD rarely deviate from the well worn path familiar to their personalities.  Gaining insight and self-introspection are not talents that they hone. 

Over the course of the last few months, I have embraced retirement from work and have been traveling.  I no longer think about planning for three or am concerned about schools and careers.  

There is a blissful peace that has taken hold for which I am thankful.

[findinginga]

A letter to a narcissist…

Ms. Reshetnikova,

 It would seem my blog post notifications reached you either directly or you were informed by one of your acquaintances.  No doubt this triggered an episode of narcissistic shame for you and in your rage, you decided to lash out. 

I did not read your email but can guess that you took the time to make me the bad guy and describe how it was my fault for ending our 3 year acquaintance.  It is likely you attempted to project your own behavior on to me as you repeatedly did in the past when suggesting I was too sensitive or too suspicious or too serious.  Perhaps you attempted to tell me that my memory is bad or selective or suggest that I not drink so much implying this was affecting me cognitively.  Maybe you again tried to convince me that I do not understand Russian women and that a Russian man would be different and that I am too aggressive.  Maybe you just wrote that I gain some sort of sadistic pleasure from outing you!  Of course, I am sure you did not address your past behavior and how it factored into these moments.  Right?  Denial and revisionist history are the tools of a narcissist.

I am sure you were able to concoct a lie to tell your “flying monkey” acquaintances in order to save face.  Something along the lines of. “He is crazy.  He is some old guy who is obsessed with me. He is abusive and sadistic."  Something along those lines will probably work to get you some sympathy.  Of course, you left out the real facts.  So let's be real here.  You do not like the fact that you and your behaviors were exposed to your alleged "friends" and to your family.  It has nothing to do with what I wrote as you do not care about your past behaviors.  You care about being unmasked.

Now, I informed you months ago that I was starting a blog.  I am not sure what you though I would be writing but my goal was to provide information to others who may have either encountered a dating scam or may be dealing with a pathological narcissist.  You are angry that I used Instagram to promote my posts and you are angry that I specifically targeted some of your acquaintances.  People who deal with you have a right to know the real you - at least the you that you attempt to hide.

Unlike you, who does not believe she has an obligation to apologize or explain her behavior, I chose to respond to you only so that you know the reason for my actions.  I do not want or expect a reply because anything you write will be your narcissist rage.  I have learned there is no point to explain anything more or attempt to help. 

I will not apologize for my actions as this is my way of finally declaring my complete independence.  I will not offer your forgiveness again, as I did in the past, because it only serves to enable your cruel, uncaring and self-centered behavior.

Good luck with your life going forward and try to think about your actions.

[findinginga]

Epilogue: The Enigma Who is Ingeborga Alexandrova Reshetnikova

 “It is always important to know when something has reached its end.  Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” - Paulo Coelho 

How I approached this project...

In the 40 or so blog posts which recount my experiences with Inga over a three year period, it was often necessary for me to weave the dialogue from favorite movies or memorable quotes into my narrative.  Because these words were familiar to me, they served as a comfortable starting point and allowed me to overcome some profound reservations about such a detailed accounting of a very personal time in my life.  

It was not uncommon for me to have a tight knot in the center of my gut while writing.  I would linger over the "Publish" button after finishing each post.  I was not at all concerned that I may be thought of as gullible, a "simp", or a mark.  Truth be told, there were many times when I had those very opinions of myself.  I could hardly blame a given reader for formulating the same conclusion.  Rather, the conflict with which I wrestled over all these entries was the possibility that I may cause harm with my words.

Ingeborga is not the devil incarnate...

I need to be clear that I do not consider Inga to be an evil person.  It is my opinion, which I have expressed repeatedly in previous entries, is that Inga lacks self-awareness.  This is a defining characteristic of a narcissist.  Her inability to engage in self-reflection, her lack of empathy and all of the other traits consistent with NPD she exhibits, do not make Ingeborga an evil person.  Indeed, Inga has many wonderful parts of her - her creativity and intelligence are but two.  It should be obvious that I would remain supportive of Inga as an individual; but I would be quick to encourage talk therapy for her with a trusted provider.

If I were to venture a guess as to how Inga might react to reading any of these blog entries it is highly likely that she would be dismissive of my words.  She would likely attempt to paint me as the "bad guy", someone who betrayed her, was distrustful of her and now enjoys hurting her by sharing all these exaggerated details with the world.  She would attempt to justify her accusations by employing revisionist history and simply not consider how her own past actions led to a predictable outcome.  Inga would likely engage one or more of her friends to come to her defense and boost her self-esteem.

The birthday incident...

When I arrived at the decision to cease support and communication with Inga in March 2023, I failed to heed some valuable advice which was; when ending a relationship with a narcissist, one cannot simply withdraw to the sidelines and remain a spectator.  It is necessary to put the narcissist in the "rear view", as the expression goes.  Some advocate for a technique referred to as "gray rocking", which implies making oneself a less appealing target.  Active participation, in any form, only invites the wrath of the narcissist.  I saw this expressed by Ingeborga in a few ways.

I would periodically check Inga's Instagram to get an overall sense of how she was doing.  I learned through her stories that she completed her move.  This was likely to the apartment on Gogol Street that was purchased in December.  Following the move, their cat was lost somewhere in the new neighborhood (was never clear if "Cat" was actually found).  Apparently, Inga was aware I was "lurking" and she posted a couple of stories designed to elicit a response.  Did I remain quiet?  Of course not...I took the bait.  After a couple of dust ups, I withdrew recognizing my folly and internally beating myself up for reacting.

As September was drawing to a close, I received a reminder on my phone (which I have since deleted) of Eva's birthday.  I thought it would be a nice gesture to send along a gift.  As I noted in a previous post, there are few options to send parcels or gifts directly to Russia.  However, there remains a handful of vendors who continue relationships with Russian partners to deliver flowers, candy and the like.  I placed an order through a site I had previously used.  The selection was limited and the prices expensive - Economics 101 - the theory of "supply and demand".  I ordered some Kinder Surprise, egg shaped containers with chocolate and a toy.  In this case, the service allowed for the addition of cash to be added to an order.  So, I included 5000 rubles with a note to Eva that she could use the money to select another gift of her liking, with her mother's assistance.  

A day or so after Eva's birthday, I received an Instagram message from Inga.  I assumed it would be a simple "thank you" for recognizing Eva's birthday.  Instead it was a savagely angry accusation that I intentionally, and for sport, sent a gift that I knew Eva would hate.  I was accused of deliberately causing pain and disappointment to an innocent.  Inga claimed that she previously informed me that Eva does not like Kinder so; my selection was a calculated, sadistic act.

Weapons of a sadist

This was actually the tipping point, which resulted in freedom.

Speaking of self-reflection...

As someone who often deeply feels the pain of others, I generally avoid intense conflict so as to preclude the chance of causing trauma.  I have recognized for many years that my predisposition toward assuming the burdens of others comes with a cost.  While I consider myself to possess a deep emotional reserve, just like anyone, I can experience feelings that I am being neglected, manipulated or exploited resulting in emotional reactivity.  I certainly experienced this over my time with Inga as she required a lot of attention; a lot of energy; a lot of resources, but shared very little of herself with me.  In retrospect, armed with the knowledge I acquired over the course of this experience, it was inevitable that it should end as it did.

Is it possible I am just an asshole by putting all of Inga's business "on front street"?  Well, I suppose one could argue that I could have written a less explicit account.  I will not deny I considered doing just that.  The thing is, a more homogenous version of this period in my life could easily be discounted in a simple phrase: "older man rejected by a younger woman wants revenge".  It is not revenge that I seek nor is it my goal to hurt Ingeborga.  

This underscores a bit of the dilemma experienced by more empathic individuals.  We still see the value in others in spite of whatever pain or hardship we endured in the relationship.  A highly empathic person is more inclined to shoulder narcissistic abuse quietly and the narcissist knows this intuitively.

My goal in writing this blog was to be able to unpack all the memories, archives, photos and other details to put them in their proper order, after the passage of some time, to give a proper perspective.  It was my hope that through this effort, I would finally resolve some of the dissonance I continued to experience.  It is certainly a terrible thing for any sort of relationship if you are unable to trust the other party; however, it is downright debilitating when you get to a point where you are unable to trust yourself.  So, more than anything, this unburdening is intended to restore faith in myself.

 Finding Inga...

I did find a person known as Ingeborga, with whom I became acquainted.  She lives in a town located in the northwest corner of Russia.  She is an intelligent, attractive and talented woman.  She has an infectious laugh and a captivating smile.  She is a caring, but perhaps, overindulgent mother.  She is a daughter and a sister.  She longs to eventually escape the long Russian winters for warmer climes.  She has ambitions of success.  She is fragile.  She is cold.  She is distant.  She is a person hiding from herself.

[findinginga]

“If the ending is this painful…

...I don’t know if this was worth it all.” Dustin Thao (You've Reached Sam)

"Goin' to Chicago. Sorry I can't take you..." (Count Basie and Jimmy Rushing)

I was approaching Chicago in the early evening of 4 December.  Driving the last stretch of I-65 north through Northwest Indiana, a light snow began to fall.  Passing the many interchanges in the area, I arrived at the exit to I-90 and, shortly after, the toll booth at the Chicago Skyway.  The silhouettes of downtown Chicago buildings could be clearly seen despite through the periodic snow flurries.  I made my way to the short-term apartment for which I had negotiated a rental agreement weeks before.  I selected accommodations within a half city block of the emergency department doors.  At least I would have a short walk.

Over the following days I easily fell into a work routine after meeting staff and getting familiar with the hospital geography.  When last I worked in the area, the very old and antiquated county facility was still in operation.  The new hospital complex was an environment with which I had no experience;  however, I was able to "get up to speed" without much difficulty.

The days passed quickly with the exception of one brutally cold week which made even my short walk a little painful.  The wind which blows through the city at this time of the year is known as "The Hawk" for good reason.  Christmas 2022 was quickly upon me and then passed without anything to note.  Inga and I continued to exchange messages; although, the occasional video calls that Inga would initiate, as she was walking to school to retrieve Eva, had to be stopped as I was generally in the area of the hospital and had to be sensitive to confidentiality issues.  Over this entire time I had not broached the topic of Inga's early November trip to St. Petersburg.  I was avoiding confrontation with her so as not to lose focus on the work before me.  As it was now nearly impossible to send parcels to Russia via the usual carriers, I had to rely upon Inga to secure a gift for Eva in preparation for the arrival of Father Christmas

The new year, 2023, arrived with Inga and I exchanging New Year's Eve greetings at about 6:00 pm (midnight in Pskov).  An hour later, I began covering a shift in the emergency department.  Between my temporary assignment in Chicago and ongoing research-related work in which I was engaged, time seemed to accelerate.  However, I still allowed ample time to communicate with Inga even though our exchanges were light and breezy.  There was no discussion of securing visas even though I would occasionally forward available real estate listings for different regions of Cyprus to solicit Inga's opinion and, perhaps, action, despite my ever growing doubts of her sincerity.  Her responses had the character as though she were "shining me on" so; there was little reason to constantly revisit the topic.

Throughout this time I continued to provide financial support to Inga in the only legal way that was available.  This required my purchase of Bitcoin and then the electronic transfer to Inga who would redeem the Bitcoin for rubles.  It was a mystery to me as to just how Inga was making these transactions.  One of the facts uncovered by PI Lab investigators was that Inga did not have a TIN which is supposedly required to create financial accounts within the Russian Federation.  This was highlighted to me in a previous report where it was noted that Denis traveled to Aktau, Kazakhstan on 16 September 2022.   He remained for one day, apparently to create a bank account through a Non-Resident Mutual Assistance agreement.  It would be inappropriate of me to suggest some sort of conspiracy between Inga and Denis on this matter but it does imply an odd coincidence.

With the arrival of February, things got strange...once again!

As I approached my last few weeks in Chicago I began to perceive a shift in the tenor of Inga's messages.  Over the previous weeks she had been mostly upbeat but she was progressively becoming more distracted by personal issues.  Of course, Inga would not speak of the details even though she would mention that she was experiencing some form of conflict.  What little she did share gave the impression that it was a problem with the apartment in which she and Eva were living.  She suggested that she may be forced to move, expressing her frustration that the owner was suddenly becoming difficult.  When I asked her to elaborate on this, she quickly parried my questions and minimized the issue.  I could have, maybe should have, pursued this with more vigor.  After all, I knew that the flat in which Inga, Eva and Denis had been living was owned by the father of Denis.  I did not keep it a secret that I learned of these property ownerships through the work of the investigators.  It may have been Inga was being purposefully provocative in speaking about her apartment issues.  It seemed she wanted me aware of a problem and a potential move without revealing much else.

Related to the concerns Inga was expressing regarding her living situation was the unsolved mystery of asset distribution secondary to the divorce decree.  As I have previously written, according to Russian Federation law, marital assets are to be equally divided in the event of divorce in the absence of a superseding agreement.  This raised the question as to why Inga would be fretting over such matters when she should have assets with which to work.  This is assuming the divorce was more than just a legal contrivance, which the PI Lab investigators were speculating was the case.  Mikhail Levko remarked, on more than one occasion, that the divorce was legal but seemed "odd" by not dealing with asset distribution.

Another trip to Saint Petersburg

On 17 February 2023, Inga informed me that she and Eva were traveling to St. Petersburg over the weekend.  Inga stated they were traveling with the express purpose of visiting the Cypriot Consulate.  This seemed rather odd as the consulate offices are not open over the weekend.  It would be necessary for her to remain through Monday 20 February.  Given the way Inga framed her plans, I contacted PI Labs as her reasoning seemed just an attempt to placate any suspicions I may have had regarding her motives.

Mikhail produced a summary report of Inga's trip almost immediately after her return to Pskov:

We received information from the surveillance cameras of the St. Petersburg city monitoring centre. The monitoring centre checked for the presence of either the Skoda and Volvo vehicles registered to Denis. According to the centre, the Skoda with number E 244 KU 60 was fixed by surveillance cameras in the period from 18.02.2023 to 20.02.2023. On 18.02 2023, at 15:00, the Skoda arrived in the city of St. Petersburg.  On 19.02.2023, at 09:40, the car began driving from Repischeva Street, 11/9.  The car proceeded to the city center, then at 13:00 arrived at MEGA DYBENKO shopping mall, located on Murmonsky highway.  There was an exhibition of pictures and photos in the shopping mall and this may have been the reason for their travel.

20.02.2023 at 13:00 the Skoda and occupants left the city of St. Petersburg, in the direction of the city of Pskov.

Given the limited amount of time spent in St. Petersburg, the trip seemed purposeful, but not to apply for visas.  Once again we see Inga and Denis traveling together and, while in St. Petersburg, staying at the home of Inga's brother, Nikita.  Whatever issues to which Inga alluded the previous days related to Denis or his father, it appears not to have influenced this trip as a family.

A further report by PI Labs confirmed that no visa application was received for Inga and Eva by the Cypriot consulate.

Suddenly, a trip to Sochi...

Shortly before my planned departure from Chicago, Inga announced that she and Eva would be traveling to Sochi for a few days.  When I initially asked her the purpose of the hastily planned trip, Inga replied by stating that she made the travel arrangements almost a year prior and she she needed to make the trip to avoid losing the money previously spent. It is important to note that a few weeks later, Inga would emphatically deny having made this claim.  As I distinctly remembered the discussion I searched archived messages only to find these comments by Inga written 24 February 2022:

Ingeborga: Each day wake up and get shocked more and more Ingeborga: They closed Sochi airport! I have to go there in a few days

Indeed, she had planned a trip to Sochi the year before but because air travel was halted, she was unable to make the trip.  It was unclear to me as to why Inga would attempt to gaslight me with her denial.  Inga eventually described the purpose of the trip as an attempt to look for a job and how she had been disappointed by friends. How much of it all was true, will remain an unknown.

Okay, I am done...there is no point!

 At about 7:00 am on 26 February 2023, I had loaded up the car and was headed toward the entrance of the Dan Ryan Expressway.  I would have about 14 hours to drive and think.  I concluded that my first step would be to cease all financial support.  The last Bitcoin purchase and transfer made was the day before and I vowed it would be the last.  I could not be sure how it was being used  or even who who was using it  There appeared to be no serious effort being made by Inga to change her living situation.  I had given her options and was willing to support her in making the change.  But she demonstrated no initiative on the matter betraying her true intentions.  It was the trip to Cancun all over again - say anything but do nothing.  For the time being, I would remain silent about my decisions and assess Inga's reactions for change.

A few days after my return from Chicago I was able to settle back into a routine at home.  Inga and I continued to exchange messages but Inga was reporting more stress and announced an imminent move to an apartment she described as "dirty".  Within the same time frame, Inga communicated that she had lost her phone - an iPhone that I previously purchased and shipped to her.  Following that announcement, Inga purged the entire communication thread between us on Telegram.  When I asked the reason for her actions she claimed that she wanted to be sure that if her phone was found, it would not contain any sensitive financial information.  Okay, sure!!!

My understanding of Inga, which evolved through a long period of observation and personal pain, told me that these were not a random series of events.  The inevitable confrontation occurred.  It was necessary for me to withdraw from regular contact with Inga.  It was necessary for me to stop assisting her.  I had been feeding her narcissistic supply with a steady stream of high availability along with emotional and financial support.  

I was guilty of being Inga's enabler!

[findinginga]

"Не верить на слово, проверять строжайше…" (V.I. Lenin)

"Put no faith in words; subject everything to the closest scrutiny..." (V.I. Lenin)

Before anyone decides to write a hateful criticism, I completely acknowledge that I am applying this quote of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin out of context.  Without opening a political science Pandora's Box, Lenin was exhorting the Marxist worker with his words.  I, in a very apolitical way, apply Lenin's words to the lessons I have learned in my interactions with Ingeborga Alexandrova Reshetnikova (nee Lopatuk?, Lopatiuk?, Lopatyuk?) over the previous couple of years. 

Equally applicable is the Russian proverb, "доверяй, но проверяй" (approximate translation: "Trust but verify").  This phrase was popularized in the West when Ronald Reagan used it in a speech related to bilateral nuclear arms de-escalation.  But while I claim no diplomatic service experience, I certainly was aware that Inga's words could not be trusted.  She was capable of spinning even the most preposterous story at will.  No investment of my time, no demonstration of my emotional support, no gifts would result in a more emotionally open Inga.  Ernest Hemingway may have had a point when he wrote" The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them." but he never dealt with Inga.  Above the long abandoned desire for an intimate relationship with Inga, I was determined to create a mutual atmosphere of support and trust.  As "Ace" Rothstein said, "When you love someone, you've gotta trust them.  There's no other way.  You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours.  Otherwise, what's the point?" (Casino - 1995)  Well, if you have viewed the movie then you know how well that worked out for "Ace".

It was time to wind things down...

Upon receiving the report from PI Labs in late September 2022 as to the living arrangements and day-to-day activities of Inga, I was welcoming the temporary assignment in Chicago.  I was hopeful  the work and time in my hometown would serve to ground me once again.  I was not looking forward to a potentially cold Chicago Winter, but the ability to attend cultural events, dine at my favorite restaurants and drop in on some jazz sets at The Green Mill and  Andy's strongly overrode my dislike for the bitter cold.

In late October, Inga announced that she was planning a trip to St. Petersburg.  Eva had been asking to visit with her uncle (Nikita) and his wife and relatively new baby.  Inga wrote that this would also be an opportunity for her to visit the Consulate of Cypress, as well.  Her plan was to arrive on 3 November and remain until 6 or 7 November. Extending the stay to the 7th was dependent upon the need for Eva to attend school that day.  I contacted Mikhail at PI Lab with the information Inga shared about her travel plans.  I was primarily interested in Inga's follow through with her stated desire to secure a visa to travel to Cyprus.  Mikhail assigned the new scope of work to an operative and pledged to inform me of the results.

Inga IM'd me a few times on 3 November to tell me about the trip to St. Petersburg.  In particular, Inga wrote of the difficulties she experienced in traveling on the bus.  She explained that they decided to take Monika (their dog) along on the trip.  Monika was apparently restless on the bus and made for an unpleasant time.  I received only a few messages from Inga over the following days as, no doubt, she was busy with family.  With her return to Pskov on 7 November, a fairly normal stream of communications resumed.  Inga explained that she did not have the opportunity to visit the consulate and would need to return in the near future.

As the days passed in November, I was preparing for my trip and three month stay in Chicago.  I planned to leave on 4 December in order to be in town and ready for an onsite meeting Monday, 5 December.  It was necessary to leave my home clean and secured during my absence as well as gather together the essentials for my stay.

The week before my planned departure, I received a report from PI Lab regarding the trip Inga and Eva made to St. Petersburg a couple of weeks prior.  The following are excerpts:

We received information from the surveillance cameras of the St. Petersburg city monitoring centre. The monitoring centre checked the movement for the Skoda or Volvo vehicles registered to Denis. According to the centre, Skoda car number E 244 KU 60 was recorded by surveillance cameras.  On 3 November 2022, in the evening, the vehicle arrived in the city of St. Petersburg. On 06 November 2022, in the morning, the vehicle started driving from 11/9 Repischeva Street.  In between these days the vehicle did not move through the city.  The route departing the city started on 06 November from one of the addresses of Ingeborga's brother - 19 Repischeva street. 

Investigators also checked information you supplied that Ingeborga and Eva (and possibly Denis) went to the children's entertainment center, Smile Park. We found a photo of Eva at the centre. The photograph was taken on 04 November 2022. 

Reading the latest report submitted by Mikhail and his team caused me to laugh aloud.  I could not understand why Inga would bend herself into a pretzel with such an elaborate story.  Adding poor little Monika into the fable was the topper for me.  The report simply confirmed that there was an ongoing relationship between Inga and Denis even after their dubious divorce.  The issue of securing a visa was again given no priority confirming, once more, Inga did not appear to have serious intentions.

Time for me to hit the road and make the 14 hour road trip to Chicago...

[findinginga]

"Captain, would you think it is possible…

 ...that Herr Laszlo will receive a visa?" - Major Strasser (Casablanca 1942)

Ingeborga has a new MacGuffin for our saga...

No, a MacGuffin is not a fast food breakfast item.  Rather, it has been described as an object of temporary focus to allow a plot line to be advanced.  In the above referenced "Casablanca", the MacGuffin was the exit visas obtained through robbery and murder.  In "The Maltese Falcon", possession of the black bird fueled murder and betrayal across the wide spectrum of those who coveted the prize.  In "Murder My Sweet" the search for the missing and elusive Velma leads Philip Marlowe into a complex mystery.  In all these examples, the MacGuffin is an aspirational goal.  Indeed, the last spoken line of "The Maltese Falcon" is that of Sam Spade responding to a question from Tom Polhaus about the heavy statue.  Spade replied to the detective (paraphrasing Shakespeare), "...the stuff that dreams are made of...".

Upon sharing my thoughts about retirement, or perhaps, continued work in a warmer climate as a "digital nomad", Inga seemed keen to discuss her own desire to escape the constraints and long winters of Northwest Russia.  My empathic internal voice was encouraging me to help her realize the dream that she expressed; however, I had learned many lessons about Inga along the way, which made me wary.  She was recently divorced and any international travel with Eva would require the explicit permission of Denis, Eva's father.  Additionally, given the state of world politics, it would be not be easy for Ingeborga and Eva to secure even travel visas for most, if not all, of Western Europe.  These factors dictated that I be deliberate in my actions.  It would be necessary to constantly question and then validate the progress of Inga toward securing the necessary documentation.

A goal or a fantasy?

With the onset of Summer 2022 there continued a succession of light, inconsequential communications with Inga.  I continued to inject as many supportive comments into our banter as possible.  I now appreciated how this was the fuel driving Inga.  I was complimentary regarding her appearance and progress in the gym.  I was supportive of her desire to improve her drawing skills.  I was also supportive of her financially by sending her small amounts of money to provide for some extras for her and Eva.  Of course, I had no way to determine how she was using the resources I supplied, but the money was not the issue for me.  If there was a way to demonstrate and model trust, I was prepared to do this even though the change I hoped to see may not be realized.

As the weeks passed over that Summer, I shared with Inga information about real estate and schools in Costa Blanca region of Spain.  In particular, I located a school I thought might be perfect for Eva.  I went so far as to attend a digital open house and asked the admissions director questions in preparation.

Despite the expressed enthusiasm of Ingeborga, there seemed to be no progress toward securing the necessary documentation.  Because I thought it ill advised to solely rely on her descriptions of the process or obstructions she may have encountered enroute to securing visas, I was independently making inquiries with the Spanish Consulate.  I was able to validate that having a visa granted to a Russian national would be extremely difficult, laborious and expensive.  Further, a tourist visa would only grant a limited stay  

It was obvious to me that Inga's enthusiasm was waning.  I suggested to Inga that if her goal was truly to find a warm weather home where she and Inga could move, there were over 100 countries granting visas to Russian nationals.  I suggested several of these as alternatives but she quickly rejected all citing either distance or potential difficulties transporting her possessions.  One country of interest to her was Cyprus, a divided island nation.  Cyprus is the adopted home of a large group of former or current Russian citizens.  A few years prior, Cypriot officials had been involved in selling passports/citizenship to Russian oligarchs.  Discovery of this forced changes in emigration law.  Cyprus reinstated visa restrictions for Russian nationals.  Inga would be forced to apply for visas just as she would have been required to enter Spain.  As for me, working as "digital nomad" in Cyprus was appealing.  Just as I had prior, I began to search out recommendations for appealing residential areas.

Summer yields to Autumn

With the rapid approach of Autumn 2022, Inga reported no progress toward securing a visa.  It was not even clear she had initiated the process.  Our communications, even though high in volume, were of predictable content - coffee, dresses, Eva and alcohol with each day being some variation of these topics.  Inga would periodically introduce comments about her frustration with making and receiving online purchases.  Sanctions, resulting in travel and commerce restrictions were viewed by Inga as insults.  Inga did casually remark in an exchange that the restrictions were compromising her ability to purchase items that she and an acquaintance had begun to sell.  This indicated that resources I had intended for her and Eva directly were being used for another purpose.  I purposefully did not react to Inga's admission.  I was not surprised and it was inconsequential to me.  I had come to expect just about anything.

In late September I was contacted by a recruiting firm to gauge my interest in accepting a locum tenens (temporary assignment) arrangement at the busiest emergency department in Chicago.  The contract was for three months and was to begin in early December and end the last day of February.  Before accepting the role, I decided to discuss the offer with Inga as both a way to demonstrate transparency and respect in a relationship but to also get some understanding what she was doing regarding her desire to move to Cyprus.  Inga made few comments about the job in Chicago other to voice support if it was something in which I was interested.  When I mentioned the timing of my assignment and a potential move to Cyprus, Inga replied that she would need to make a trip to either St. Petersburg or Moscow. Both are cities where Cyprus maintains consulates.  Inga claimed that because of Eva being in school, there was not a window of opportunity to make the trip.  Of course, she did not actually need to travel to the consulates as travel and visa related information is readily found online.  However, I did not make an issue of what was either procrastination at addressing the issue or a stall tactic.  I was more inclined to think it the latter of the two.

You guessed it...time for another scope of work for PI Labs

I was again struggling with a little cognitive dissonance as the result of my communications with Inga.  There was a disconnect between her stated goals and any initiative she was expending to realizing the same.  That, coupled with a few other casual comments, made me wonder what Inga was actually doing in the course of a day. 

I contacted PI Labs and Mikhail Levko and I agreed upon another round of direct observation of Inga.  Sections of the summary report included:

September 12, 2022 from 08:00 to 20:00 

Conducted observation of subject.  The beginning of the observation took place at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, 71g, where Ingeborga and Denis Reshetnikov currently live.

At 9:00 am, Ingeborga drove Eva to school by car: Skoda Octavia (Superb), number E 244 KU 60. This vehicle is registered to Denis.  Denis left the residence driving a Volvo in an unknown direction.  Due to bad weather and a gloomy period, a photo could not be taken.

Ingeborga returned home at 12:00.  The car was parked at the front of a beauty salon, which is located in the ground floor of the building where they reside.  Officially, the salon was re-registered for Denis's mother - Reshetnikova Elena Pavlovna.  Further until 2:30 pm Ingeborga was at home.  She left to school to pick up Eva.  Upon arrival home, they entered the residence from the side of the salon.  At 5:31 pm Eva and Ingeborga left home using the Skoda car.  At 7:36 pm Denis arrived home.  Once inside the house, he never left.  Eva and Ingeborga returned home at 8:23 pm. 

September 13, 2022 Information was requested from the surveillance cameras of the city monitoring center. The monitoring center checked the movement of the Skoda vehicle. The footage shows the silhouette of a man and a woman identifiable as Denis and Ingeborg.

Divorce did not change much...

Despite an official divorce decree finalized in April, Inga and Denis remained together and continued to share resources and who knows what else.  The report came as no surprise but did allow the confusion I was experiencing to resolve.  It also confirmed my conclusion that Inga was stalling and, again "future faking"

At least I could accept the new assignment and leave for Chicago with a clear head.

[findinginga]

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride…

...and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” - Shannon L. Alder

For the purposes of full disclosure, my lack of surprise over the information provided by the investigators from PI Labs was, in part, secondary to an angry outburst by Ingeborga back in January.  When I confronted her at that time with my concerns and suspicions backed by hard evidence, Inga typically employed the "falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus"  strategy.  This simply means that Inga would look for a flaw or inaccuracy in the evidence I provided and then attempt to discredit the entire array of facts because of an omission or minor error.  As a result, Inga angrily accused the investigators of not being thorough when announcing she was divorcing Denis.  It was not clear to me at the time if that was just an angry, knee-jerk response by Inga to reinforce her previous claims that she did not have a close relationship with Denis or if there was some truth in her assertion.  It also caused me further confusion over the events of the previous few months.

Flashback to Sam Spade...

From the end of my calamitous video call with Inga in January up to the point of receiving confirmation of her divorce, I could not make any sense of the actions of Inga and Denis.  If I accepted Inga's explanations on their face, discounting all the historical lies,  I would come away with the understanding that Inga and Denis were married and living together in a sexless marriage.  Inga implied that both had sexual interests outside their marriage.  The implication was that theirs was a marriage of convenience or, at least, one without a lack of inertia to change conditions.  Inga began communicating with me extensively and, from her actions, there was an impression she was hiding this from Denis.  However, I was supplying Inga and Eva with gifts and Denis assisted in the collection of the various parcels mailed.  If Denis was not aware of my involvement with Inga, why would he be assisting her?  When I met Inga and Eva in St. Petersburg, how was this meeting explained?  If the marriage of Inga and Denis was in name only, why would Inga be a cosigner to a significant mortgage loan and then become the petitioner for divorce on the heels of that?  What was really behind Inga's withdrawal and change in attitude toward me in November and December?  In all of this I still could not rule out that there was underlying criminal activity on the part of the Reshetnikov family.

It all reminded me of Sam Spade attempting to unravel the machinations of the various parties seeking The Maltese Falcon.  At one point in the film, Spade relates his doubts to Brigid over the actions of Joel Cairo.  Spade replies to the apparent confusion of Brigid concerning his questioning Cairo's motives by stating, "Because, my own true love, I've got to keep in some sort of touch with all the loose ends of this dizzy affair if I'm ever gonna make heads or tails of it."  In my interactions with Inga, it was all a dizzy affair.

Let's cast a line and see if they are biting...

I was determined not to tip my hand that I had acquired Inga's divorce along with the nature of the murky terms associated with the dissolution of her marriage.  Some bargain was struck but my past experiences with Inga taught me that unless details could be discovered by the private investigators, Inga would not be the source.

As Winter 2022 relented in Pskov and Spring finally made an appearance (about June in Pskov), Inga expressed her relief at the arrival of warmer weather.  Our conversations were less of war-related news, as this became a contentious topic.  Frequent, daily messages were still of an unimportant character with the exchange of pleasantries related to the weather and plans for the day and then the weekend.  Inga frequently wrote of plans to meet with one friend or another and then wrote of sudden changes to their plans.  These last minute cancellations left her at home, looking for movies, preferably in the Horror genre.

I mentioned to Inga that my work-related contracts would likely be ending in Autumn.  I was giving consideration to scaling back my work hours in preparation for retirement.  I wrote of my ambivalence regarding full retirement as I was concerned about boredom.  However, I had been entertaining thoughts of either a fill or part-time life in Europe.  This opened a new line of conversation for us as we shared our thoughts regarding one country or another.  We both seemed to be in agreement about the virtues of Spain.  I had been seriously looking at properties in the Costa Blanca region for long-term rental or purchase.  Inga's interest was piqued with this exchange and expressed her interest in living there.  She wrote of having friends in Spain and that there were many Russians who had emigrated.  

I suggested to Inga that she inquire about a visa and consider a move away from Russia.  Perhaps the change in environment and expanded opportunities would serve as motivation for personal growth.  If she were to make such a decision, I would be supportive of her both emotionally and financially.  Inga related that she had a multi-entry Schengen visa but it would soon expire and Eva had no visa, which precluded any travel.  However, Inga seemed excited by the idea of a life outside of Pskov.  As I shared photos and real estate listings with her, she became even more enthralled with the idea.  At one point, I sought out a school in which Eva might be a good fit.  Inga stated that she would begin applying for visas.

Despite all of these discussions, I was acutely aware of the reaction of Western European countries, especially those in the Schengen Region, to the Russo-Ukrainian conflict.  Western Europe had all but shut out Russians with an interest to travel.  Visa requests were not being approved for Russian nationals.  In addition to this, if Inga were able to secure visas for herself and Eva, entry for the purposes of tourism would be limited to a fixed number of days.  This would hardly be an appropriate solution for emigration.  

Was Inga engaging in a new round of "Future Faking" or had I triggered a new grandiose fantasy?

[findinginga]

"Mrs. Mulwray, I goddamn near lost my nose. And I like it. I like breathing through it…

If I am asked to cite my favorite film of all time I would never hesitate to name Chinatown as a near perfect movie.  From the atmosphere of the cinematography to the haunting, period evoking music, it is a movie I am able to repeatedly watch and in which I find something new.  While it is not a classic film noir, it falls into the neo-noir category.  Gittes is a private investigator drawn into what evolves into a complex case.  As facts slowly emerge as to the true nature of a murder, Gittes must discard theories he has been forming, "on the fly" to appreciate the full scope of the mystery he set out to solve.  However, even armed with the full, unvarnished truth, circumstances conspire to handcuff him (both literally and figuratively).  Despite his perseverance, Gittes is impotent to prevent a tragic outcome.

J.J. Gittes (Jack Nicholson) and Evelyn Mulwray (Faye Dunaway)

“Perseverance is the act of true role models and heroes.” - Liza Wiemer

I would hardly characterize my perseverance regarding Ingeborga as heroic.  If anything, it was trauma bonding that perpetuated my renewed contact with her.  Although, trauma bonding is defined by a cycle of abuse and affection, there was decidedly no affection shared by Inga.  There was certainly a bond and a cycle of abuse we shared.  That abuse manifested itself through all the defenses that Inga was capable of marshalling when confronted with inconvenient truths.  

Like J.J. Gittes, the motives for my engagement/reengagement evolved with the acquisition of new information.  Like Evelyn Mulwray, Inga would filter what she shared to suit her needs, in the moment. Under duress and with Gittes holding the upper hand, Mulwray was forced to reveal her deepest and most painful secrets while bearing the humiliation of her past actions.  However, the difference between Evelyn and Inga is that the toxic shame a narcissist needs to suppress can never be expressed.  Arguably, Inga cannot engage in the introspection necessary to be fully aware.

Hoping she will model my behavior...

It is widely considered by those in the field of mental health that NPD is a lifelong mental health issue.  But, it is also recognized that symptoms and behaviors can be successfully modified with therapy.  It was with this knowledge I decided to take a more clinical approach to my interactions with Inga.  I had long ago abandoned the notion that a truly intimate relationship would develop between us.  Indeed, I did not even consider Inga to be a friend.  She had truly become more of an acquaintance with whom I exchanged messages of insignificant import.  However, I learned Inga's secret and Inga knew that I knew.  No doubt this served to further keep me at arm's length.  For Inga, I was both a source of narcissistic supply through my attention and generosity but I was also a danger.

I wondered if Inga would, over time, lower her defenses if I were to demonstrate the perseverance and resiliency that others could not or would not.  I was fully aware that I would likely experience additional insult and was prepared for these assaults.  Only a few weeks would need to elapse before this would be tested as I had not ended my business arrangement with PI Lab.

Divorce and the aftermath...

When I received the previous report from Mikhail Levko concerning the purchase and registration of a new apartment located on Gogol Street in Central Pskov, Mikhail and I agreed to extend the scope of work.  PI Lab operatives were to return to Pskov for follow up observations and note any changes in residence or living arrangements.

In May of 2022 I received the promised follow-up report from Mikhail Levko in which he wrote:

In the course of the investigation, a check was made of the register of divorce proceedings of  district court No. 27 of the Justice of the Peace.  It was established that on March 16, 2022, Magistrate Surusov carried out the divorce proceedings between Ingeborga Aleksandrovna Reshetnikova and Denis Leonidovich Reshetnikov.  Case No. 2-/824/27/2022.  The plaintiff in the case was Ingeborga Reshetnikova. The marriage was dissolved. The decision entered into force on April 19, 2022. No appeal was filed.

Inga did not share with me that a divorce had been finalized, which was not surprising.  I was left to wonder how this would impact her and Eva.

[findinginga]

"You'll be happier with a Hoover…

 ...Get happier today" (Classic marketing tag line for Hoover vacuum cleaner products)

Ignoring that sucking sound...

Having achieved a modicum of peace after the most recent confrontation with Inga, I was beginning to refocus on work projects.  The time I spent in text exchanges was being invested back into myself.  It was time to clean and dress my wounds.  It was time to admit to myself that I had been used, abused and kicked to the curb.  I was covered in figurative road rash.  I was hurting. 

Suddenly, there was wall-to-wall coverage of Russian vehicles crossing the border into Ukraine.  There were live feeds of rocket attacks and explosions in Kiev.  My interest was captured by the seemingly endless frontline reports and obligatory commentary which followed nearly each.

Simple "Good Morning" and "Good Night" messages, between Inga and I, had replaced the scores of texts which had previously been exchanged over the course of a day.  However, with the new volatility in Eastern Europe, I was inquiring more about the physical and emotional security of both Inga and Eva with Inga sharing her frustration and anger over the response of the US and Western European nations.  Inga noted the unfairness of Westerners to brand all Russians as evil or to assume that all Russians were in favor of the actions of Putin and the Kremlin.  On some occasions Inga would parrot Kremlin talking points regarding the infiltration of "Nazis" into the ranks of the Ukrainian military and that Ukraine had been responsible for genocide in the Donbas region.  These arguments were used by Inga to rationalize the invasion of a sovereign nation by her country.  There were other times when Inga recognized the folly of the invasion and wrote of the first Russians killed in action transported to the military base outside of Pskov as well as the significant trauma of those wounded in action.

As I willingly took part in the reestablishment of routine communication with Inga, I did so by rationalizing that I was being helpful and compassionate.  However, as Inga shared more of her thoughts, it became obvious that she was expressing her outrage over how the conflict, sanctions, travel restrictions and the freefall in the value of the ruble were impacting her.  Inga shared an anecdote related to a friend who was involved in a real estate transaction prior to the imposition of Western sanctions.  Inga related that the value of the proceeds in her bank account were nearly wiped out after the ruble was devalued.  Inga also wrote of people traveling to Kazakhstan to establish bank accounts.  I was highly suspicious that these stories were actually referring to Denis and Inga.

It was not long that the volume of messages exchanged with Inga returned to or exceeded past daily totals.  While Inga never offered an apology for any of her past transgressions, she appeared eager to communicate with me.  On more than occasion she offered, what I am sure she intended as a compliment, by writing to me that she looked forward to our "conversations" as she could not tolerate the nonsense she experienced with others.

Yes, I got hoovered...

Narcissists can skillfully employ a number of tools, some of which I have described in previous posts.  One form of manipulation is referred to as "hoovering" which simply means to an attempt to suck an individual back into their sphere.  This may happen when the previous source of narcissistic supply breaks away or pushes back on the abuse.  It was not that I did not see it coming.

Well, that little respite I experienced was short-lived.  It would only be a matter of time before I regretted the trip back to "Crazy Town".

[findinginga]

"I remember every detail…

...the Germans wore gray, you wore blue." - Rick Blaine (Casablanca 1942)

In what many consider to be one of the greatest Hollywood films, a flashback montage is used to inform the viewer of Ilsa and Rick in pre-WWII Paris.  We learn that a love affair developed between the two and with the impending occupation of Paris, Rick and Ilse plan to leave Paris for Marseilles.  But Ilsa harbors secrets which she withholds from Rick.  With German advance troops entering Paris, a panic to escape is evident and we find Sam and Rick standing on a chaotic Parisian railway platform waiting in the rain for Ilsa.  Instead, a letter is delivered containing devastating content.  Sam and Rick leave Paris, with the falling rain smearing the ink which formed Ilsa's words.  The rain, a metaphor for tears of desperation, lost hope, and lost love.

Rick successfully escapes France to Casablanca where he establishes a popular club but Rick has become aloof and embittered.  With the unexpected arrival of Ilsa, the secrets forcing their separation are revealed.

23 February 2022...

With the obvious changes in the behavior of Inga manifested over November and December, along with the still fresh emotional wounds acquired on my visit to St. Petersburg, and information shared by the private investigators, there was little left for me to do but withdraw.  In the period between mid-January and mid-February of 2022, Inga and I exchange few words with only polite pleasantries shared.

Over the intervening weeks prior to the Russian invasion of Ukraine, I intently monitored the news reporting the build up of Russian troops along the borders dividing Belarus and Russia from Ukraine.  It was obvious these actions were, at least, an attempt to intimidate if not the actual precursor to occupation.

On the evening of 23 February 2022, I viewed, as did millions of others, the escalation of hostilities in the Russo-Ukrainian conflict.  While many considered the fall of Kiev to be a fait accompli, strategic errors and miscalculations on the part of the Russian military allowed stiff Ukrainian resistance to change the calculus.  The initial timid Western response to the escalating hostilities gave way to unified support for Ukraine.  This, along with severe financial sanctions and near isolation of Russia, resulted in the expected nuclear saber-rattling heard from the Kremlin.

Even though I lived through the Cold War and was accustomed to reading and hearing the hyperbole generated by Soviet state media, the rhetoric coming from Putin and his sycophants was now more bothersome for me.  In the 60's, 70's and 80's, I had no personal connection to Russia.  However, now I felt more involved from having visited and interacted with people.  That personal connection changed my perspective.  Although I remained hopeful that Ukraine could push back the Russian military, I thought about Inga, Eva and Mikhail and what all of this might mean for their lives.

I was not worried that a nuclear exchange was imminent, but I was concerned that further mistakes or miscalculations by the Russian military could lead to the invocation of Article V of the NATO treaty.  From a military perspective, should NATO become involved, I had little doubt NATO would take the initiative to gain air superiority over the Russo-Ukraine border.  Inga and Eva live in Pskov, which is so close to the borders of Estonia and Latvia that one could hike the distance.  Outside of Pskov is a sizable military base with missile and air defense capability.  This would be among the likely first targets of NATO.

My concern became reengagement when Inga reached out to share her fears.

[findinginga]

A Moment to Discuss Transactional Relationships…

 ...and isn't every relationship transactional?

In the strictest sense, one could view all the interactions we have as transactional.  We invest time, attention, concern, or resources in someone with the expectation of a return.  What is received does not necessarily have to be tangible but people, largely, are not perpetual fonts of giving.  Investing of ourselves or our resources without some form of reciprocation may result in frustration, disappointment and feelings of having been exploited.  We all have our own tolerance thresholds until resentment begins to color our view of whomever is perceived as being the exploiter.

Clear examples of transactional relationships can be readily derived from our day-to-day lives through simple purchases at the grocery or the like.  I may have a need for something and seek to have that need met.  A merchant may be able to satisfy that need and an implicit relationship is formed through a purchase where I exchange a payment in return for the item.  As long as neither I nor the merchant attempts to extract more than the understood agreement for the purchase, my needs and the need of the merchant have been met.  If the quality of the item I purchased is poor and I perceive that the merchant was not being fair, I may feel as though I had been exploited or harmed.  Conversely, if after I purchase an item that has met my needs but I unfairly criticize or otherwise denigrate the merchant,  I am unjustly causing harm.  The merchant has received payment but my criticism may have a negative impact on the reputation of the merchant.  The seller would hardly consider this a good transaction.

There are scores of other such examples about which I could write but the primary distinction related to basic goods and services transactions is that they are typically static.  A transaction takes place and is completed.  As long as expectations related to the purchase (quality, value, satisfaction, etc.) have been met, we no longer have a need to consider it further.

Here is the problem...

Unlike the transactions we may make for a new vehicle or a gallon of milk, our interpersonal relationships are dynamic in nature.  Over time, or because of changing circumstances, our needs and expectations of another, whether colleague, friend, or partner can evolve.  Both parties in the relationship have to maintain flexibility to accommodate for inevitable change or for dramatic events, should they occur.  When a stressor is introduced resulting in one or both parties unable to accommodate to shifting needs, anger and resentment may build.  The bad feelings provoked during such periods may fracture the relationship.  

Add in limerence as a variable...

Focusing in on romantic relationships, a strong attraction of one person to another, carries a strong urge to be accepted by the object to which one is attracted.  Limerence has been described as the "desire to be desired".  Therefore, someone experiencing the effect of limerence is seeking the reciprocation of their feelings.  Of course, such feelings may never be reciprocated.  Unrequited feelings and unmet expectations have been the fuel for all manner of expression through the arts and pop culture.  (Follow the link to one of my favorites.)  

Good news and bad news...

Depending upon the source consulted regarding the impact and duration of limerence on a given individual, it is generally written that the limerence effect begins to dissipate in a period ranging from six months to three years.  Certainly there are outliers on both sides of the range.  

The good news for those who happen to fall into the unrequited group is that the feelings do lessen and will eventually disappear.  However, the bad news is that the limerence effect, when shared by two individuals in a relationship, will eventually play a lesser role in sustaining the interest and attraction a couple may have shared.  In other words, things eventually get real.  All the declarations made to love, support, be non-judgmental, or whatever other commitments were made, are put to the test after the shine of limerence is removed.

Inga and transactional relationships...

There seems to be some debate as to whether a narcissist experiences limerence.  The prevailing opinion advanced is that because narcissists value the validation of their worth above all else, the limerence effect, if it does exist in them, is to a lesser extent.  To a great degree, the narcissist's need for people is rooted in the narcissistic supply they derive from them.  Because true intimacy is difficult for a narcissist to realize, relationships are superficial as are the transactions that temporarily support them.  The other party may hang in as long as the limerence effect persists for them or, they can no longer endure being victimized and exploited.  The power imbalance cannot be sustained.

It was this imbalance to which I can bear witness as I experienced the manipulation and exploitation directly.  Inga was not capable of engaging in a respectful, honest relationship with me.  While it is conjecture on my part, Inga's own words paint a picture of a series of failed relationships.  Previous attempts to live with partners ended within reasonably short time frames.  One cannot help but wonder if the limerence experienced by them gave way to an intolerable reality to which even Inga was oblivious.

[findinginga]

“You don’t seem very sorry.”…

“I am sorry. Sorry that I got caught.” (The Strange Love of Martha Ivers -1946)

Barbara Stanwyck and Kirk Douglas as Martha and Walter

The admission by Martha Ivers (Smith) she most regretted was being unmasked to reveal her true self.  An admission of guilt of any sort was not something I would hear or read from Ingeborga.  I had now been witness to to Inga's response to narcissistic injury on repeated occasions.  Typical of the narcissist who has been wounded, Inga utilized insults, silence, projection and gaslighting as her defenses.  My Saturday video call with her illustrated her defensive tools.  Obviously absent were the acceptance of responsibility or expression of empathy.

Based upon the further findings of the private investigators I also began to understand that Inga appeared to regard relationships with others as transactional.  As long as she was getting what she needed from another, they remained in her orbit.

An absurd offer...

Following my Saturday call with Inga, conversation had ceased.  Routine texting had stopped.  I had no motivation or energy to reengage with her.  I welcomed the silence until it was broken by Inga who texted to inquire as to how I was doing.  She made small overtures in order to probe and expressed her supposed bewilderment as to my reactions.

I again explained to her that she made a commitment to me which she did not honor.  I explained that she withheld information and deliberately deceived me.  I did not expect that my quick review of recent history would make any difference - it did not.  However, Inga then made a strange proposal.  

Inga stated that she would fly to Cancun to meet me in order to talk, face-to-face.  The initial condition she set for this meeting was that she would only stay for the day.  It was utterly preposterous that anyone would suggest spending a day in the air (round trip) in order to spend a few hours.  It was a laughable suggestion and I was quick to tell her just that.  Inga then revised her suggestion by claiming that she would stay overnight but she would get a room at a different hotel.  I had to give Inga credit for, in that moment, she tested the limits of credulity and also manage to insult me through the implicit statement that she did not want to be with me.   Of course, I rejected the entire scheme as complete nonsense.

More information comes to light...

Approximately two weeks passed after the blow up with Inga with the near cessation of communication when Mikhail Levko (PI Labs) emailed a summary of their most recent findings. He wrote:

During the investigation, information was requested on the presence of a registered property of the family of Reshetnikov. The registration service received information that 19.11.2021, Denis Leonidovich Reshetnikov registered a new real estate object described as an apartment with an area of ​​150 sq.m., cadastral number - 60: 27: 0010326: 88.  Address of the apartment RF, Pskov region, city of Pskov, Gogol Street D.7 "B" Apartment 9. The cadastral value of the property is 3,697,252 rubles. The market value of the real estate object is estimated at about 5,000,000 rubles. This property is pledged from Sberbank of Russia and was acquired in the mortgage.

The apartment is located on the 2nd floor. The house is located in the center of Pskov. It is considered a fairly good location. The house itself is not a new building, but having an apartment in the historical center of the regional city with fairly large square meter dimensions is a good investment of capital.

Checking the rest of the property of Denis, which we pointed out in previous reports remained also registered on it. There were no ads for the sale of property discovered.

Information was also requested about the registration of property for Ingeborga. According to information received from the registration service,  as before, no property is registered in her name. 

Not surprising...

So, it seems that after Inga's return to Pskov in late October, plans were underway for the purchase of a new apartment.  The distancing I was feeling as well as Inga's distraction and focus on decorating ideas all fit the time frame of the purchase.  All of this news from PI Lab came as no surprise; although, the vindication was welcome after Inga's relentless gaslighting.

A return to silence, that is, until the Russians invaded Ukraine.

[findinginga]

“Maybe she was right, and maybe Christmas comes in July…

but I didn’t believe it.” - Rip Murdock (Dead Reckoning)

In the 1947 release of Dead Reckoning, Rip Murdock (Humphrey Bogart) recounts his efforts to locate a military service friend, Johnny Drake, who made an impulsive decision to disappear while enroute to Washington DC where Drake was to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.  His hasty escape could not be understood by Murdock, who ultimately receives permission to unravel the mystery.  Murdock traces Drake back to his hometown where Murdock discovers Drake has been killed in an "accidental" car crash.  Murdock ultimately encounters Coral Chandler (Lizabeth Scott) with whom Drake once had a love affair.  Murdock learns that Drake was "framed" for a murder committed by Coral.  Drake fled from prosecution and hid in the military.  Despite Coral's insistence that the killing had been self-defense, we witness her calculated efforts at self-preservation. 

Maslow's Hierarchy...

On can certainly appreciate the powerful need to feel safe and secure.  It is as basic as food and shelter to survival.  But how any given being will react when there is a real or perceived threat cannot be predicted as myriad factors may influence the shape of a response.

I had come to learn that Ingeborga was living in her own distorted reality.  Even those basic needs articulated by Maslow were warped by a desire to control.  The paper thin veneer representing her self-esteem was obvious.

It appeared Inga had significant difficulties forming and maintaining significant loving relationships, if her own admission about the number of partners with whom she cohabitated was true.  According to Russian Federation records, she and Denis married in 2013 when Inga was 25 years of age.  Inga stated that she left home at the age of 18 this results in seven years elapsing between her departure from home and her marriage.  It is unclear if Inga considers her to marriage to Denis be in that total of five cohabitations.  Regardless, Ingeborga demonstrated a high rate of turnover with live-in partners over a seven year period, not including the more casual sexual contacts she reportedly had experienced.

To know and not to do...

I suppose we have all been guilty, at one time or another, of not heeding the words of Goethe.  I did not need to know any mor details to conclude that Inga was damaged and that I did not have the ability to fix her.  In January of 2022 I knew that just as I was highly suspicious of the same a full year before.  So, I knew but...

On the heels of my latest confrontation with Inga, which only served to fuel my anger and frustration, I received additional documentation from PI Lab.  The strong gut-level suspicion I was experiencing just a few weeks before was vindicated by photos and direct observations by the investigators.  In late December, a different vehicle was observed being driven by Denis and Inga, a Volvo XC90 with a state tag of K 483 TY60.

It was discovered by the investigators that the vehicle had been registered to Denis Reshetnikov.  The following represents a portion of the report by the investigators:

Day 1

On December 23, 2021 from 07:00 to 19:00 conducted observation of subjects.  The beginning of the observation took place at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, 71g, where Ingeborga and Denis Reshetnikov reside.

At 07.43 Denis Reshetnikov was observed in a Volvo XC90, State number K 483 TY60 and drove Eva er to kindergarten No. 18 located at the address of Pskov Street. Factory, 4.

At 08.20, Denis returned at the place of residence.

At 13.40, Denis Reshetnikov, together with Ingleborga, went to the delivery point "SDEC", which is located at: Oktyabrsky Avenue, 50 Corps 2 ".  It was at this location Ingeborga took possession of a parcel of unknown content.

At 14.00, they travelled to the cafe "Gogol-Mogol" at the address: Pskov, ul. Gogol d. 5.

At 14.45, Denis and Ingeborga went to the Aquapolis shopping center at the address: Division of Kuzbass d. 19. They remained in the mall to 15.50 purchasing items.

At 16.20, subjects arrived at the post office address: ul. Labor d. 49.  At this location Ingeborga received additional parcels.  They then travelled to another post office, located at the address: ul. Soviet d. 20 Pskov where Ingeborga received additional parcels.  After collecting the parcels, Ingeborga made photos (selfie) with the obtained goods. 

At 16.50, they went to the children's kindergarten No. 18 located at: Pskov Ul. Factory d. 4, to pick up Eva.

At 17.15, control sujects arrived at their home located at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva d. 71g, after which Denis exited the car and entered the residence.  Ingeborga moved to the driver's seat and headed with Eva to the Finnish Park, Pskov, where they rode "Watrushka".

At 19.00 Ingeborga and Eva went to the pizzeria "Momma Roma" located on the Oktyabrsky Prospekt. After eating, they returned home at 20.10.

Day 2

On December 24, 2021 from 07.00 to 19.00, surveillance was conducted at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, d. 71g.

07.50 Denis Reshetnikov used the Volvo 90 XC state number K483TY60 to drive his daughter to the children's kindergarten No. 18 located at the address: Pskov Ul. Factory d. 4.

At 08.15, the control subject returned to the place of residence.

From 08.15 to 16.48, Denis and Ingeborga were at home at home at the address: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, d. 71g.

At 17.09, Ingeborga Reshetnikova drove to the shop "Taste of Villa" located at the address: Oktyabrsky Avenue d. 19.  The car left near the "Victory" cinema.

In 17.15 Denis Reshetnikov drove the  Skoda Superb, state number E 244 KY 60 to pick up Eva from kindergarten.  After that, they drove home.  Until 19.30, the subject did not go out.

After visiting the shop "Taste of Villa" located at the address: Oktyabrsky Avenue D. 19 Ingeborga Reshetnikova traveled to Planck Fitness located on the Irkutsk Lane. 50 Corp. 1, using  car "Volvo 90 XC state number K 483 TY60.  Ingeborga parked on underground parking.

In 19.15, Ingeborga departed Planck Fitness and drove home at: Pskov, ul. Nikolai Vasilyeva, d. 71g.

For the two days of observing Denis and Ingeborga, the Reshetnikov behaved very wary. Because of this it was decided to remove the surveillance after the second day. 

What do we know?

Another vehicle had been registered by Denis and it seems a good deal of shopping and collecting parcels was being done. As a result, it is reasonable to conclude that Denis was fully aware Inga's activities and was an active participant.

Even more revelations to come...

[findinginga]

“She can’t be all bad. No one is.”

 “Well, she comes the closest.”  (Out of the Past -1947)

I was thinking back to another film noir when I remembered the dialogue which I used as the title of this post.  The femme fatale of this absolute classic is Kathy, portrayed by Jane Greer.  As the tale unfolds we learn that Kathy is self-absorbed and ruthless in her ambition.  Dangerous and beautiful, she users her sexuality as a club.  If the club does not work, she is not afraid to turn to a more permanent solution.

I will freely admit that I may never actually have all the puzzle pieces to solve the enigma of Ingeborga.  I agree that "she can't be all bad".  After all, she is an attentive and nurturing mother to Eva.  But even in this area one has to question Inga's motivation.  One could argue that the energy and accommodations Inga makes to to keep Eva happy, to salve any disappointment, may be attempts by Inga to shield her own self-esteem.  There may be an overriding concern that the unconditional love that is normally given by a child may be threatened thereby diminishing narcissistic supply.

From my experience, Inga was the most difficult of all the women I encountered over the course of my life.  For all the reasons previously cited in the telling of this story and for those to come, I had to conclude that Inga could be the prototypical femme fatale.

Where were we...

I was left in early January 2022 with the strong suspicion that some major life event was taking place for Inga.  She either engaged in "future faking*" over the trip to Cancun or something or someone became an obstruction.  It is difficult to imagine someone passing up an all expenses week in the sun (especially when living in the northwest corner of Russia) over a dispute regarding who would purchase tickets.    It is true that if Inga had acquiesced to my request and provided all of Eva's information, it would have undermined her previous assertions that Denis was not Eva's father.  So, it is possible Inga was attempting to save face and avoid a hit to her self-esteem.  It was a tangle of plausible explanations.

*Future faking - a manipulative tactic used by individuals, often narcissists, to lure others into a relationship or gain something they want. Done without intention of ultimate follow through.

Texting was not enough and talking was futile...

It was no longer sufficient for me to communicate with Inga through email or IM.  I wanted to speak with her directly.  I attempted, on multiple occasions to telephone her with my calls either not ringing through or with messages that the telephone subscriber was not available.  I then attempted to initiate a video chat with her via Telegram.  These attempts were refused.  I texted Inga and asked her to provide a time during the day where I might phone.  She replied that 4:00 pm (10:00 am for me) would be best.  I collected my thoughts and promptly initiated a video call at the appointed time.

To my surprise, Inga answered but it was obvious that she was outside her home and walking.  She explained that she needed to arrive at the post office before it closed.  I was annoyed by having to speak with her while she was clearly distracted, attempting to walk along the icy ground.  Indeed, at one point she actually slipped and fell.  Inga was again sending a clear message to me that I was not a priority for her and that my concerns did not matter enough to her to grant the simple courtesy of a focused discussion.  (N.B. It was also possible that Inga could not speak with me at home because of Denis.)  Whether Inga could not speak with me from home, or would not, I would never know.  What was obvious was Inga would not engage in a discussion regarding the recent turn of events - her distractions, her distancing, her demands to the way I addressed her, or her dramatic change of plans.  When I pointed out that I was at least owed an explanation, Inga flared and emphatically stated that she did not have to explain herself to anyone.  Further, she stated that she would not speak to me any further as I was "too aggressive".

The backlash of a covert narcissist... 

Inga had responded by suggesting she was beyond reproach or any criticism.  Her insistence that she owed no explanations was a defense to her humiliation and rage.  Her self-esteem was deflated, and, no doubt, she was hearing that internal voice reminding her that it would all inevitably come to this point.

Another scope of work for the PI was needed.

[findinginga]

Oh. my… ...a glaring omission...

In my last post I wrote of the rather uneventful discussions with Inga over the course of November-December 2021.  This was not quite accurate so; I am taking this opportunity to post an addendum.

Ingeborga did make multiple references of her shopping for for various items to furnish her apartment over these weeks.  She alluded to planning for a move into the apartment she had purchased with the assistance of her brother, Nikita.  The purchase of her own apartment was something she had claimed was in process early in my communication with her; however, she did not revisit the issue.  When I would periodically ask her about the status of the remodeling, which she wrote was keeping her in her present location, Inga would only talk about various delays.  She cited the undependable nature of the contractors as the reason she had not moved.

In November 2021, she talked more about an impending move and suggested that the business issues which delayed her departure to St. Petersburg to meet me, were the cause.  On occasion, Inga would send photos of a piece of furniture or of wall coverings she desired for Eva's room to solicit my opinion.  She fretted over where to store window treatments she had ordered and decided she would ask a friend to keep them for her.

Why is this relevant?

PI Labs, the private investigators I employed had previously reported that Ingeborga was not the owner of record for any property in the Russian Federation.  In addition, as a part of their inquiries, they found no evidence of Nikita Lopatyuk holding a mortgage for a property in Pskov.

More likely explanations for Inga's admitted purchases were to either to redecorate the flat in which Denis, Eva, and she were living, or the sizable mortgage for which Inga was a cosignor would purchase a new flat to be redecorated prior to a move.  Lastly, it is possible the apartment she claimed was being readied for her was actually an agreed settlement between Inga and Denis. In short, they may have entered into an agreement to divide marital property in order to avoid Russian Federation law directing equal distribution of marital assets. An agreement prior to a divorce filing would be respected by the court.

Whatever the underlying reason, Inga continued to perpetuate a series of lies and was using my assistance to make these purchases.

[findinginga]

“On reflection,' Crake said to Frey, as they huddled behind an upturned table,…

 ‘this wasn’t one of your better plans.” - Chris Wooding, The Iron Jackal

November of 2021 passed without much worthy of recounting.  Inga and I exchanged multiple daily messages about trivial matters.  The sameness of our communication had become predictable.  In retrospect, the time I devoted to her would have been better spent focused on work projects as I frequently found myself behind on deliverables.  A realization crept in that my efforts to thwart being a victim of Inga's cycle of relationship sabotage was exacting a higher price in terms of time and emotional energy.  

Still, I was excited about planning for Cancun and when Inga shared that Eva would have a school break at the end of January, I searched for hotel options.  I located a condo for rent that week offering pool and beach access.  The facility had an area dedicated for children with a separate wading pool and water attractions.  It seemed a perfect option to help Eva regulate some of her seemingly boundless energy.  The condo had the added benefit of multiple bedrooms and two full baths which would give Inga and Eva their own space.

Cancun Reservation Confirmation

I shared my discovery with Inga and provided links to the hotel as well as the confirmation details.  Inga communicated both pleasure and excitement, particularly in light of the options for Eva.  It was quite clear from the information I provided that the three of us would share the same suite.  Inga did not express any issues with this arrangement.

With accommodations secured for the week, I turned my attention to travel arrangements.  I was fortunate to have accrued over 600,000 AMEX member points, more than enough to cover the cost of the round trip flights.  I shared this detail with Inga with her initial response being one of relief that the proposed trip could be paid for this way.  We both joked about how many dresses could be purchased with the saved money.  (The cost of dresses was a monetary conversion unit for Inga.) I explained to Inga that I needed full names and passport information to share with AMEX Travel Services in order to purchase the tickets.  Inga explained that she needed to get Eva a passport to travel internationally.  Once she did this, she would forward the information.

Something's going on...

Entering the second week of December I noticed a significant change in both the frequency and content of Inga's messages.  The manner in which some of her messages were worded suggested that she was under some duress.  I could feel it in my gut that there was something afoot but Inga dismissed all of my inquiries regarding her health and other factors at home.  She insisted that nothing at all had changed.

Without warning one evening, Inga became critical of my routine use of certain words which I would incorporate in the many daily affirmations I offered.  At this time she expressly forbade the use of any terms of endearment (eg. "sweetie", "dear", "darling", "my love", etc).  When I asked her, sarcastically, as to how I should refer to her, she responded by explaining it was not necessary to refer to her at all....not even the use of her name.

Okay then...

It was not immediately clear to me why Inga chose that moment to convey her displeasure with certain words.  Yes, I can understand that the use of endearing terms may be interpreted by some as a form of misogyny.  In fact, it mattered little to me what words I used and I could easily omit them and still convey my message.  That was hardly the point.  What was more troubling was the timing of her demand coupled with the nature of her other recent messages.  

Whether it was a manipulative way of demanding more of my attention, or her message to me that I was no longer required as she found another source to feed her need, was unclear.  Also possible was that her plan for a Cancun vacation was resulting in a problem at home.  In order for Eva to leave Russia, it would be necessary for Denis to approve of the travel, in writing.  Had there been pushback from Denis and was there really more to their relationship than Inga admitted?

Whatever was happening, Inga was not sharing, as was her custom.  A definite, palpable change was readily perceived.  I was growing concerned that the "climate" change I was perceiving would impact the Cancun trip.  The departure date was only five weeks away and airline tickets had not yet been purchased.  Inga had not yet provided the necessary information.

Another week and then another...

With the rapid approach of the new year and the lack of follow through on the part of Inga, I was preparing for the possibility that the trip, as planned, would need to be abandoned.  I began to look into options for cancelling the condo rental, for which I was out of pocket $2,000.  But, I knew full well that under the terms of the rental, the price I paid was non-refundable. 

I did not want to wallow in self-pity over New Year's Eve so; I booked a last minute flight to New Orleans, where I stayed for a few days.  Communication with Inga had all but stopped.  Inga claimed that she was very ill, likely from COVID and did not have the energy to write.

Future faking...

Upon my return from New Orleans I was determined to resolve the still unsettled travel arrangements for Cancun.  For my own planning, as well as general peace of mind, I wanted to have closure on the matter.  

At the close of the first full week of the new year, I once again asked Inga about the status of Eva's passport.  Inga revealed that she secured a passport for Eva but that she would purchase their airline tickets.  I asked her to explain why she made this decision and Inga explained that it would be more convenient for her.  I reminded her that the intent was to use my accumulated miles for this purpose to save the money on airfare.  Inga then ridiculed the original plan by suggesting those travel miles did not exist, a claim for which she had no evidence.  In short, she was dismissive of my efforts. It became obvious that her accusations were a projection of her own dishonesty onto me.  I had no intention of relenting on the matter and it then became a stalemate.  Inga announced that she and Eva would not make the trip.  I would "eat" $2000 for an unused hotel room.

Could it be that Inga never intended to travel to Cancun?

[findinginga]

Should I Stay or Should I Go…

...you're happy when I'm on my knees...(The Clash)

Upon my return home I immersed myself in the work that was awaiting me. In part, the distraction from the events of the previous week was more than welcome. I was emotionally bruised and needed some time to heal. A break from Inga was necessary.

I had come to appreciate the reality of interacting with a narcissist with the frequency Inga and I had been communicating. There comes a realization that no amount of attention or loving, affirming words will ever be enough. As the willful giver of such things, the imbalance between the energy expended versus any form of reciprocation from the receiver leads to frustration and bitterness. Most definitely I had arrived at such a place where I questioned if I had any reserves to marshal. This is not to suggest that there was total "radio silence". Inga and I exchanged good morning and good night messages for a period before there was a return to what had been our baseline.

Trying to break the cycle...

My reflections over previous communications and face-to-face interactions reinforced my speculation that I was dealing with a covert narcissist. Even more challenging than those manifesting overt narcissism, interacting with a covert narcissist can be grueling. Their predisposition to passive-aggressive forms of expression take a real toll on their targets. 

I had absolutely no desire to take on the role of therapist. I did want to be a friend and to be of some help to Inga. However, I thought about some of her past comments and came to understand that Ingeborga developed early expectations regarding inter-personal relationships. She had done so with me. I recalled a couple of occasions when she commented how she was waiting to see how long my generosity toward her would last. These seemed odd statements to make and, in retrospect, I now understand that her words served multiple purposes. 

In one regard her comments questioned her worthiness illuminating a neon sign pointing at her low self-esteem and need for positive reinforcement. Also likely true seemed to be her replaying a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy loop. Her experience had been with disappointment, betrayal and abandonment. Inga had an expectation that every close relationship was destined for this outcome. She would enter into new relationships with these expectations already set. Her inability to be transparent, honest and to give of herself would eventually cause the other to turn off the spigot feeding her narcissistic need. Inga would feel vindicated that her experiences had again been validated. It would then be time to move on to find a new supply.

If I go there will be trouble...if I stay it will be double...

After more than a year and a good deal of trial and error, I was gaining more insight. I was left to ponder what to do next but I was determined I would try to resist becoming another prophesy realized.

With a more or less normalized communication pattern reestablished, Inga began to discuss her dread of Winter and the dark, cold days ahead in Pskov. She spoke of her seasonal depression and need for "tranquilizers" during this time to cope. These comments were completely relatable to me as I lived most of my life in a cold climate with long winters. I hit upon the notion that I may be able to bring her some relief in the form of time in the sun. I proposed a trip to Cancun for a week and her eager acceptance gave me some hope that we might spend some time together in a more relaxed, less pressured environment.  Might this journey result in breaking some barriers?

I set about to make plans.