Epilogue: The Enigma Who is Ingeborga Alexandrova Reshetnikova
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” - Paulo Coelho
How I approached this project...
In the 40 or so blog posts which recount my experiences with Inga over a three year period, it was often necessary for me to weave the dialogue from favorite movies or memorable quotes into my narrative. Because these words were familiar to me, they served as a comfortable starting point and allowed me to overcome some profound reservations about such a detailed accounting of a very personal time in my life.
It was not uncommon for me to have a tight knot in the center of my gut while writing. I would linger over the "Publish" button after finishing each post. I was not at all concerned that I may be thought of as gullible, a "simp", or a mark. Truth be told, there were many times when I had those very opinions of myself. I could hardly blame a given reader for formulating the same conclusion. Rather, the conflict with which I wrestled over all these entries was the possibility that I may cause harm with my words.
Ingeborga is not the devil incarnate...
I need to be clear that I do not consider Inga to be an evil person. It is my opinion, which I have expressed repeatedly in previous entries, is that Inga lacks self-awareness. This is a defining characteristic of a narcissist. Her inability to engage in self-reflection, her lack of empathy and all of the other traits consistent with NPD she exhibits, do not make Ingeborga an evil person. Indeed, Inga has many wonderful parts of her - her creativity and intelligence are but two. It should be obvious that I would remain supportive of Inga as an individual; but I would be quick to encourage talk therapy for her with a trusted provider.
If I were to venture a guess as to how Inga might react to reading any of these blog entries it is highly likely that she would be dismissive of my words. She would likely attempt to paint me as the "bad guy", someone who betrayed her, was distrustful of her and now enjoys hurting her by sharing all these exaggerated details with the world. She would attempt to justify her accusations by employing revisionist history and simply not consider how her own past actions led to a predictable outcome. Inga would likely engage one or more of her friends to come to her defense and boost her self-esteem.
When I arrived at the decision to cease support and communication with Inga in March 2023, I failed to heed some valuable advice which was; when ending a relationship with a narcissist, one cannot simply withdraw to the sidelines and remain a spectator. It is necessary to put the narcissist in the "rear view", as the expression goes. Some advocate for a technique referred to as "gray rocking", which implies making oneself a less appealing target. Active participation, in any form, only invites the wrath of the narcissist. I saw this expressed by Ingeborga in a few ways.
I would periodically check Inga's Instagram to get an overall sense of how she was doing. I learned through her stories that she completed her move. This was likely to the apartment on Gogol Street that was purchased in December. Following the move, their cat was lost somewhere in the new neighborhood (was never clear if "Cat" was actually found). Apparently, Inga was aware I was "lurking" and she posted a couple of stories designed to elicit a response. Did I remain quiet? Of course not...I took the bait. After a couple of dust ups, I withdrew recognizing my folly and internally beating myself up for reacting.
As September was drawing to a close, I received a reminder on my phone (which I have since deleted) of Eva's birthday. I thought it would be a nice gesture to send along a gift. As I noted in a previous post, there are few options to send parcels or gifts directly to Russia. However, there remains a handful of vendors who continue relationships with Russian partners to deliver flowers, candy and the like. I placed an order through a site I had previously used. The selection was limited and the prices expensive - Economics 101 - the theory of "supply and demand". I ordered some Kinder Surprise, egg shaped containers with chocolate and a toy. In this case, the service allowed for the addition of cash to be added to an order. So, I included 5000 rubles with a note to Eva that she could use the money to select another gift of her liking, with her mother's assistance.
A day or so after Eva's birthday, I received an Instagram message from Inga. I assumed it would be a simple "thank you" for recognizing Eva's birthday. Instead it was a savagely angry accusation that I intentionally, and for sport, sent a gift that I knew Eva would hate. I was accused of deliberately causing pain and disappointment to an innocent. Inga claimed that she previously informed me that Eva does not like Kinder so; my selection was a calculated, sadistic act.
This was actually the tipping point, which resulted in freedom.
Speaking of self-reflection...
As someone who often deeply feels the pain of others, I generally avoid intense conflict so as to preclude the chance of causing trauma. I have recognized for many years that my predisposition toward assuming the burdens of others comes with a cost. While I consider myself to possess a deep emotional reserve, just like anyone, I can experience feelings that I am being neglected, manipulated or exploited resulting in emotional reactivity. I certainly experienced this over my time with Inga as she required a lot of attention; a lot of energy; a lot of resources, but shared very little of herself with me. In retrospect, armed with the knowledge I acquired over the course of this experience, it was inevitable that it should end as it did.
Is it possible I am just an asshole by putting all of Inga's business "on front street"? Well, I suppose one could argue that I could have written a less explicit account. I will not deny I considered doing just that. The thing is, a more homogenous version of this period in my life could easily be discounted in a simple phrase: "older man rejected by a younger woman wants revenge". It is not revenge that I seek nor is it my goal to hurt Ingeborga.
This underscores a bit of the dilemma experienced by more empathic individuals. We still see the value in others in spite of whatever pain or hardship we endured in the relationship. A highly empathic person is more inclined to shoulder narcissistic abuse quietly and the narcissist knows this intuitively.
My goal in writing this blog was to be able to unpack all the memories, archives, photos and other details to put them in their proper order, after the passage of some time, to give a proper perspective. It was my hope that through this effort, I would finally resolve some of the dissonance I continued to experience. It is certainly a terrible thing for any sort of relationship if you are unable to trust the other party; however, it is downright debilitating when you get to a point where you are unable to trust yourself. So, more than anything, this unburdening is intended to restore faith in myself.
I did find a person known as Ingeborga, with whom I became acquainted. She lives in a town located in the northwest corner of Russia. She is an intelligent, attractive and talented woman. She has an infectious laugh and a captivating smile. She is a caring, but perhaps, overindulgent mother. She is a daughter and a sister. She longs to eventually escape the long Russian winters for warmer climes. She has ambitions of success. She is fragile. She is cold. She is distant. She is a person hiding from herself.
